I was starting to feel a little sorry for Slappy Doo Hoo.

In a thread posted several days ago, Slappy lamented the fact that he had terminated the relationship between him and his girlfriend. Slappy sounded a bit morose and a lot of the good folks on this board were giving him words of consolation and gentle encouragement.

I briefly considered offering the services of Matilda and Gertrude to Slappy, just to get him through those cold, lonely nights until he could find another girlfriend.

I knew Slappy had been briefly married to littlek and he had confided in me that she was insatiable and her needs were too great for him to possibly fulfill.

He told me, "Gus, she's like a damn hellcat in the bedroom. I fear I shall be a broken man if I try to keep up with her."

And that's why he left littlek and moved on to his now ex-girlfriend.

Slappy considered moving in with Caprice. He actually showed up at her door, suitcase in hand. Caprice looked at the poor downtrodden Mr. Doo Hoo and a twinge of compassion took hold of her. Taking Slappy by the hand she said, "Come inside, Slappy. I'm gonna give you a little lovin."

"Like hell you are, Caprice." a sinister voice said. Suddenly kickycan emerged from the bedroom, a cigarette dangling from his lips, a beer in his hand.

"Take a hike, Slappy, or I'll beat you like a red-headed stepchild."

Slappy heeded kickycan's words and raced down the driveway, looking a bit like Pee Wee Herman as he leaped onto his red bicycle and sped away, shaking with fear.

The days passed. Slappy's quest for a new girlfriend carried him throughout the land of A2K.

He tried Dlowan. She hospitalized him. He tried msolga and margo; they told him they'd rather watch the decomposition process of a beached whale than consider bedding him down.

Ossobuco refused his advances, as did Eva.

Slappy was near suicidal when he approached me last night. "What am I going to do, Gus?" he asked. And then he broke down and started sobbing.

What the hell was I supposed to do? I put my arm around him and said, "Slappy, I'm gonna call Montana and Ceili. They're good, strong Canadian women, they drink prodigious amounts of alcohol, fight like lumberjacks, and swear like longshoremen. I'll arrange a meeting at a nice restaurant tonight and you explain to them that you're not looking for a girlfriend, per se, but just have a need to get drunk and then laid. Perhaps they won't grant you your wish, but they know a lot of people up there in the north country. Surely one of them could arrange something."

Slappy started crying all over again and threw his arms around me. "Thanks, Gus. You're the best damn friend a guy could ever have.

The call was made and I sent Slappy on the way.

He should be there by now, and I imagine the restaurant scene looks something like this...



I sure hope those women come through for ol' Slappy.

He's not such a bad guy.