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I was starting to feel a little sorry for Slappy Doo Hoo.

 
 
Reply Sun 28 Mar, 2004 08:35 am
In a thread posted several days ago, Slappy lamented the fact that he had terminated the relationship between him and his girlfriend. Slappy sounded a bit morose and a lot of the good folks on this board were giving him words of consolation and gentle encouragement.

I briefly considered offering the services of Matilda and Gertrude to Slappy, just to get him through those cold, lonely nights until he could find another girlfriend.

I knew Slappy had been briefly married to littlek and he had confided in me that she was insatiable and her needs were too great for him to possibly fulfill.

He told me, "Gus, she's like a damn hellcat in the bedroom. I fear I shall be a broken man if I try to keep up with her."

And that's why he left littlek and moved on to his now ex-girlfriend.

Slappy considered moving in with Caprice. He actually showed up at her door, suitcase in hand. Caprice looked at the poor downtrodden Mr. Doo Hoo and a twinge of compassion took hold of her. Taking Slappy by the hand she said, "Come inside, Slappy. I'm gonna give you a little lovin."

"Like hell you are, Caprice." a sinister voice said. Suddenly kickycan emerged from the bedroom, a cigarette dangling from his lips, a beer in his hand.

"Take a hike, Slappy, or I'll beat you like a red-headed stepchild."

Slappy heeded kickycan's words and raced down the driveway, looking a bit like Pee Wee Herman as he leaped onto his red bicycle and sped away, shaking with fear.

The days passed. Slappy's quest for a new girlfriend carried him throughout the land of A2K.

He tried Dlowan. She hospitalized him. He tried msolga and margo; they told him they'd rather watch the decomposition process of a beached whale than consider bedding him down.

Ossobuco refused his advances, as did Eva.

Slappy was near suicidal when he approached me last night. "What am I going to do, Gus?" he asked. And then he broke down and started sobbing.

What the hell was I supposed to do? I put my arm around him and said, "Slappy, I'm gonna call Montana and Ceili. They're good, strong Canadian women, they drink prodigious amounts of alcohol, fight like lumberjacks, and swear like longshoremen. I'll arrange a meeting at a nice restaurant tonight and you explain to them that you're not looking for a girlfriend, per se, but just have a need to get drunk and then laid. Perhaps they won't grant you your wish, but they know a lot of people up there in the north country. Surely one of them could arrange something."

Slappy started crying all over again and threw his arms around me. "Thanks, Gus. You're the best damn friend a guy could ever have.

The call was made and I sent Slappy on the way.

He should be there by now, and I imagine the restaurant scene looks something like this...

http://steelena.com/steelena/farmer.gif

I sure hope those women come through for ol' Slappy.

He's not such a bad guy.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 11,405 • Replies: 75
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doglover
 
  1  
Reply Sun 28 Mar, 2004 11:08 am
Gus, you're too much. Your story was knee slapping funny. I'm still getting to know many of the posters here, but I can see already that you're a GEM of guy. I really love your wacky sense of humor. Mr. Green
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jespah
 
  1  
Reply Sun 28 Mar, 2004 11:28 am
Why did Slappy feel the need to bring fresh garden vegetables with him. Surely it wasn't for salad. Do you think it could be for ...? Oh, no, not our Slappy!
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Acquiunk
 
  1  
Reply Sun 28 Mar, 2004 11:33 am
Gus, I was just standing on the porch of Mel's general store down at the four corners a moment ago and a mob of women went by, clubs, pitch forks and rope in hand. I think you'd better trot on down to the swamp right quick.
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Eva
 
  1  
Reply Sun 28 Mar, 2004 12:49 pm
It's true, I did turn down poor Slappy. But not because I'm heartless. He was simply too drunk to function, the poor boy. So I let him sleep it off on my couch last night instead.

This morning, I called three escort services for him. As a matter of fact, I did wonder why he asked me to make those calls. Turns out the first two services knew him personally, the third knew him by reputation. I think it's those girls that just passed the four corners on their way to the swamp right now.

I do wish I had let Slap stay a little longer before I sent him home. Perhaps he stopped somewhere along the way?
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drom et reve
 
  1  
Reply Sun 28 Mar, 2004 12:53 pm
My, o my: when a guy tries to swoon a girl with a vegetable, you know it's true love blossoming.

When a guy tries to swoon two girls with a vegetable, though... it scandalizes me to consider his intentions!


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Eva
 
  1  
Reply Sun 28 Mar, 2004 12:59 pm
Oh good, Slappy's with Montana and Ceili at the restaurant right now. Perhaps he will miss the mob after all. If not, I bet M & C will know what to do. IF Gus hasn't enraged them with the vegetables, that is.
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caprice
 
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Reply Sun 28 Mar, 2004 01:00 pm
Acquiunk wrote:
Gus, I was just standing on the porch of Mel's general store down at the four corners a moment ago and a mob of women went by, clubs, pitch forks and rope in hand. I think you'd better trot on down to the swamp right quick.


Ya got that right! Evil or Very Mad
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BumbleBeeBoogie
 
  1  
Reply Sun 28 Mar, 2004 01:12 pm
Gus
I just saw a TV truck full of reporters and a film crew racing past my house headed toward the restaurant. If you can get Slappy on his cell phone, you had better warn him the media is about to entrap him.

BBB
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dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Sun 28 Mar, 2004 03:53 pm
I so wish Gus would not get so many things wrong!

I rejected Slappy in the nicest and kindest possible way - (you know - said it wasn't him, it was me - that I saw him as a brother - my heart was broken yet belonged to another - that sort of stuff) - gave him a good strong cup of tea and a large number of Timtams, listened to his tales of woe and sent him on his way with a jar of vegemite.

I did not hospitalize Slappy - I did however suggest that he take himself down to the STD clinic and have them run a few tests before he continued his search - there was no way I wanted Msolga and Margo, nor any Australian woman, coming down with any American bugs!
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dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Sun 28 Mar, 2004 03:54 pm
By the way - you are mis-judging Slappy for the vegetables - they are normal shopping - no carrots for smeg's sake!
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msolga
 
  1  
Reply Sun 28 Mar, 2004 09:41 pm
Well, I can't speak for margo, but MY rejection of Slappy was purely because I value my cat! On numerous occasions he's posted cat hate messages on A2K threads .... vile & nasty ones! Shocked I could NEVER love a man who didn't love my cat! Never! So, I had to choose & as much as I find Slappy VERY attractive & EXTREMELY desirable, that was simply not enough, I'm afraid .....
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margo
 
  1  
Reply Sun 28 Mar, 2004 09:45 pm
me too!
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dagmaraka
 
  1  
Reply Sun 28 Mar, 2004 10:12 pm
Well, Slappy has left the building! Me and my camera crew were traying to find him on some of the local farms and asking the farmers for their opinion on Slappy. "No comment" or just evil stares is what we usually got in response. I am very eager to find that Slappy, for his reputation surely precedes him. And once I'm done with the interview, oh boy... As you can see I ain't wearing nutin' but my skin under that coat!

http://www.osha.igs.net/~lsolomon/nsarc/interview.jpg
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Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Mon 29 Mar, 2004 05:33 am
dagmaraka - Sorry, but I think that you have lost him. At last sighting he was observed in the New York City subway. A plain clothes cop tried to stop him when he found the Slap attempting to proposition a bag lady between 34th & 42nd Street, on the BMT. She fended off his advances by hitting him with her polka dot umbrella.

The cop gave chase, but the Slap eluded him. It is possible that he has found refuge in the bowels of Macy's department store. I would suspect that he is in the toy department, frantically attempting to look unobtrusive, though his forehead is bleeding from the end result of the umbrella poke.
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the prince
 
  1  
Reply Mon 29 Mar, 2004 05:35 am
Phoenix32890 wrote:
.... frantically attempting to look unobtrusive, though his forehead is bleeding from the end result of the umbrella poke.


He can try masquerading as an Indian woman Smile
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patiodog
 
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Reply Mon 29 Mar, 2004 07:37 am
Slappy last reported travelling on foot through the toll booth areas of the Holland Tunnel. If any of you are reading this in your car (this is conceivable, as cell phones are now verboten on New York roadways) please see if you can bring him in to safety. Or, at the very least, slow down a bit as you run him down. It's only common courtesy.
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BumbleBeeBoogie
 
  1  
Reply Mon 29 Mar, 2004 08:36 am
Amber Alert!
Amber Alert! Amber Alert! we need an Amber Alert! to find Slappy before he harms himself.

BBB Crying or Very sad
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Slappy Doo Hoo
 
  1  
Reply Mon 29 Mar, 2004 07:05 pm
Sorry. Just got back from Montana's farm up in Canadia.

Man, she must have not got some in a while...I'm sore. Can barely walk.

Thanks Gus. I love you like the retarded brother I never had to beat up.
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Diane
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Mar, 2004 12:10 am
But Slappy, Ceili will be soooooo disappointed if you don't pay her a visit. She's been saving herself for you and can't stand to wait much longer.
Hurry Slappy--can't keep a strong Canadian woman waiting too long!!
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