Let my ex bf come to our babys prenatal apt but im with another man?

Forums: Relationships, Dating, Prenatal
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I was with a guy for three years that I am very much in love with. We broke up for four months and I started dating someone else. It did not work out because I still loved my ex and wanted to be back with him. So, I left the new guys and started working things out with my ex. Well come to find out I got pregnant during those four months with the new guy. Its going to be tough but my ex still wants to work on things with us.

Now, I am at a crossroads when it comes to prenatal appointments. The baby's father wants to come to all the appointments. I would rather have my ex be with me because hes very supportive and I feel comfortable with him. He wants to be there for me and already is but he also wants to respect the baby's father. He is unsure whether it would be right for him to go to the appointments since its not his baby. I want to have a cordial relationship with the father and my ex knows that so we don't want to sour things. I feel obligated to allow the baby's father to attend even though he stresses me out and uses the baby as an excuse to talk to me about getting back together. I would rather this intimate time be with my ex who I love. While my ex wants to respect the father he isn't fond of the guy or letting him around me alone.

So, should I just bite the bullet and let the father come because my ex will understand? Or would it be acceptable to have my ex come who I really want too? Seeing as men usually come to these for moral support and bonding with the woman.

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Apparently the father wants to be active in his child's life, so I say - IF he is sincere - include him as the baby's father. If this is a ploy to get you back, then stop it ASAP,

Your boyfriend will have to take a back seat in this area, but good for him that he is accepting of the child - IF he is sincere, too.

1 Reply

@bootsnjeans,

So many issues here that it makes it quite complex. This is not a simple relationship issue..as a lot is at stake.

I have one key question: is the biological father going to contribute financially to the child's welfare...birth ..hospitalization...after the baby is born? What significant role will the biological father offer his help? Is his concern genuine and will it extend past the next few months?

If the answer is none at all, then be civil and just tell him no. Your heart is already connected to your ex-and-now present love. This man, biological dad, will soon fade off. He might be doing this out of guilt which is pushing him forward. that guilt will fade off.

If he is genuinely wanting to be involved long term ('til age 21), then by all means invite him to attend. But this guilt, is something that you can't respond for the long-lasting good for the child's welfare.

I suspect he's just mouthing the right words. You can advise him to just focus his energy elsewhere. It seems to me that the time for the relationship is in the past with no chance for revival.

Lastly, forgawdsake ... use some form of EFFECTIVE birth control.

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@bootsnjeans,

Can they both come most of the time, and set aside their differences for the sake of the child?

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@bootsnjeans,

I suggest that you make it crystal clear to baby daddy that he's there on your sufferance, and if he misbehaves then he will not be allowed to any more appointments.

As the biological father, he has the right to pay child support, and the right to whatever visitation schedule the court determines (or that you agree upon).

Even a married, biological father can't force his way into prenatal appointments.

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@Ragman,

Quote:

If the answer is none at all, then be civil and just tell him no. Your heart is already connected to your ex-and-now present love. This man, biological dad, will soon fade off. He might be doing this out of guilt which is pushing him forward. that guilt will fade off.

Sorry she got herself pregnancy by this gentleman and she does not have a right to decide to freeze him out of the child life because of either her or your opinion of what he might or might not do in the future. Both he and more important the baby to be have a right to have a relationship.

If she is uncomfortable with him being at appointments alone with her then have the boyfriend along also.

However he have as must rights to be part of his child life as the mother does even if she now regret getting herself pregnancy by him.

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@bootsnjeans,

Tell them both it's too complicated and you're happy to go on your own and you've chosen your sister or your best friend as your birthing partner. Don't they both have jobs to go to? My husband was at the birth of both my children but I never even considered having him at any of my prenatal appointments - though that was another time and place.

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@PUNKEY,

He says he wants to be involved in the child's life and I do believe he will be after she/he is born. However, right now I think the only thing he sees the child as is leverage over me. That's how he gets me to talk to me and or meet up but that always turns into strictly relationship talk. Then by the end we are fighting and he is saying very harsh upsetting things. I want my baby days to be happy ones and not worry about all that. Thank you for your reply.

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@Ragman,

The father said he will contribute but only after the child is born and its settled in court as to how much. We are barely on speaking terms at the moment but I am trying to remain civil. My ex does not care for the guy but says its important to be civil for the child, as he himself comes from a broken home. I just want whats best for the baby and my ex is so understanding of that but the father is not.

BTW... I wasn't on birth control at the time of conception. Dumb I know but I wasn't having sex yet with the baby's father. It was a full month after conception that we first had sex. We were doing other things but apparently there was some sort of accident while I was drunk and borderline passed out one night. He knew I wasn't on birth control so he still has a hard time explaining this one to me.

1 Reply

@BillRM,

I do have the right to freeze him out if all he does is upset me and cause me stress. Both of which are terrible for my baby and could cause miscarriage or premature labor. As far as his rights go, until the baby is born I decide his rights. He will not financially help me until after the baby is born and support is settled in court. So, my ex helps support me and a child that is not even his. As for them being there together.. yeah I don't think so. My ex respects the father from a distance and could tolerate being around him. However the father would say things best unsaid and my child would no longer have a biological father.

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@bootsnjeans,

Do you have a friend or family member who can be with you for the appointments - and for any other meeting you have with the biological father?

It seems like it would be best if the two men aren't together at this time - though they're both going to have to learn to spend polite, appropriate time together sooner rather than later. They don't need to grow up under your supervision.

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@bootsnjeans,

I think this would be a smart time to talk to an attorney, if you have any access to one, including if you have legal aid where you live. Not to somehow skunk the father (though there are questions about advantage of you while drunk), and these questions raise a lot of bells to me) but to help you all to figure this out.

I was only raped once (now there's a sentence) and it was at high noon and all I had ingested was a sandwich. But this is something you need to consider in what you are setting up as a situation for future years and years and years.

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@ossobuco,

I have another thought - I'd see the doctor alone first.

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@ossobuco,

Quote:

Not to somehow skunk the father (though there are questions about advantage of you while drunk), and these questions raise a lot of bells to me) but to help you all to figure this out.

LOL I did not get pregnancy by acts of my own free will but due to being drunk at the time. Of course I was sharing a bed with him and "fooling" around with him and later had willing intercourse but not when I got pregnancy.

I am sure that will fly with cops or anyone else for that matter.

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@BillRM,

I have no idea, on all that, but if you are attacked by a thug, you are attacked by a thug. My raper weighed massively more pounds plus muscle than I did.

Attacked by an idiot, now there's a scenario - which in this thread, seems to be happening.

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@BillRM,

You sir are a moron. Yes I had willing intercourse later when I was good and ready and not to mention ON birth control! No one is allowed inside me regardless of the circumstance without my permission and at that time he did not have it. I do understand however I was drunk and consenting to certain sexual acts and that's why I don't consider it rape. If I did I would have involved the police by now and this would be an entirely different post. The fact that he did that does speak volumes about his character and your posts speak volumes about yours.

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@bootsnjeans,

good post, nods. (well, my view)

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@bootsnjeans,

bootsnjeans wrote:

You sir are a moron.

http://imageshack.us/a/img195/1930/bullseyearrow.jpg

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@BillRM,

BillRM wrote:

LOL I did not get pregnancy by acts of my own free will but due to being drunk at the time. Of course I was sharing a bed with him and "fooling" around with him and later had willing intercourse but not when I got pregnancy.

Okay, I'm going to assume that since you've typed it wrong 4 times now, it's not a typo.

Pregnant. One does not get "pregnancy," one gets pregnant.

1 Reply

@BillRM,

BillRM wrote:

Sorry she got herself pregnancy by this gentleman and she does not have a right to decide to freeze him out of the child life because of either her or your opinion of what he might or might not do in the future. Both he and more important the baby to be have a right to have a relationship.

If she is uncomfortable with him being at appointments alone with her then have the boyfriend along also.

However he have as must rights to be part of his child life as the mother does even if she now regret getting herself pregnancy by him.

She has no obligation to allow him to attend prenatal appointments with her doctor.

2 Replies

Let my ex bf come to our babys prenatal apt but im with another man?

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