Is it time to make adult children accountable for their actions?

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3 grown daughters (product of divorced parents) live in another state near their mom. I have always been available for them even though I live out of state with my new wife. I understand the jealousy/competition with step-siblings/parents, but my girls are adults now and still make me feel bad if I'm not doing everything exactly right in their opinion. I went to visit my daughters, my grandson and my granddaughter (turning 1). I didn't want to go to the b/day party that's coming up because my ex-wife always makes these gatherings about her and steals the show from my kids. I wanted to avoid this so that I could enjoy my daughters and grand children without having to share with 100 other people at a "B.Y.O.B BONFIRE/COOKOUT BABY'S FIRST PARTY". I have to drive 300 miles and wanted to get individual time with them instead of slamming out a weekend with very little time to spend with just them. I was snubbed by my oldest and youngest daughters because they had a lunch date set with their mom, who they live near and see all the time. Fine, I went on with my day with my middle daughter & grandson, had a great time. The next day, I tried again with the others, but the oldest had yard work to do and the youngest said she would not see me because I hurt her feelings because I wasn't coming to baby's party. I tried to tell her I took days off work to get plenty of time with all of them and give baby her b/day gifts and be able to enjoy watching her play with them. I thought quality time was the best option for everyone, but again, I'm wrong and my kids snubbed me on this visit for "better things to do" as they have the past 16 years. Sometimes I'm good enough, sometimes I'm not. I bought a new crib & mattress for my granddaughter & sent a huge box of gifts/clothes prior to her birth; I was there for the delivery with gifts in hand; I went to visit when baby was 3 months old w/ gifts in hand for no reason; I sent Christmas presents for everyone; I took a cruise and brought back gifts for everyone; I sent Easter baskets and clothes for the grand kids and for all of that, I get snubbed when I visit. What am I supposed to do when they treat me this badly just because I can't be there often or do everything they want? They are all grown, 28, 26, 22 with families of their own. My current wife thinks I'm enabling this behavior because I still want to ship the b/day gifts I carried with me for the granddaughter I was not allowed to see. Their mom played "keep away" with my girls while they were growing up and I fear they have learned this behavior using kids of their own to hurt me. Am I enabling this behavior? I love my daughters so much and try so hard to keep them happy with me and make sure to remember them on all special occasions I can't be there for, but I can't please everyone all the time. I call, text, chat with them as much as I can, at least 4 times per month. I'm not good at confrontation and am used to them being unhappy with me, but I don't want this to continue the rest of my life, it hurts when they mistreat me and they don't see that.
59 minutes ago - 4 days left to answer.

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@Roberts-USN,

Quit bringing so many damned gifts.

They are not appreciated anyway, so stop.

I am going to go out on a limb and assume that you don't get thanked, or begrudgingly.

So stop already. This is not working. And your wife is right; you are enabling things.

Invite them over. Not an event, just, we'd love to have you over. Get in your quality time. Tell them, when they are at your home, that it's a lot of work to do all that traveling. So you would like to host them more often. And do it - again, without gifts unless it is some major occasion (e. g. birthday probably yes, graduation from day care, no).

There are probably going to be times when they don't come. Then interact with your middle daughter or anyone who does. You are not singling her out if that happens, by the way - it happens because of the actions of the others.

1 Reply

@Roberts-USN,

It sounds like thay r mad at u.

Did thay get mad at u in their childhood ?

Welcome to the forum.

David

1 Reply

@OmSigDAVID,

Hi David. Yes, they would always get mad at me as children because I could never afford to take them places or buy extra stuff for them, I had bills and child support to pay. My current wife pretty much carried the bills for most of their youth because of the amount of support I had to pay. Coming to visit to just spend time, watch movies, play games, go to the park was about all I could offer and those weren't of any interest to them. If I couldn't spend money or insisted they follow the rules of my house, they didn't want to come around. Usually if I didn't have anything spectacular planned, they would stay with their mom and miss my visits. Or if I did have something for them to do, their mom topped my plans and I still missed out. Or they would come over and drama ensued with at least one or more. I know I allowed it to happen, but we've had a good relationship for a few years now, I thought all of that nonsense was left behind as they became adults. I see they are now acting just like their mother and I don't know how to handle their behavior as adults.

1 Reply

@jespah,

Thanks Jespah. My wife told me the same thing, the gifts and money need to stop. I just couldn't do extra for my daughters when they were younger because I was paying child support and had no extra left to spend on fun stuff for them. I have extra in the bank as I get older and like to be able to get them nice stuff. I do get a "thank you" via text, but it's usually after I ask if they received the gifts. I know I'm not favoring my middle daughter as they were all given the same opportunity to spend time with me when I went to see them, she's the only one who chose to spend 3 days with me. I ask them all the time to come visit, but they say they can't afford the trip or there's nothing to do in this small boring town.

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@Roberts-USN,

Roberts-USN wrote:

I still want to ship the b/day gifts I carried with me for the granddaughter I was not allowed to see.

Can I ask why you didn't leave the gifts with the daughter you did see?

It does sound like you've indulged your daughters as well as your ex-wife in their patterns of controlling access to children.

Jes's idea is good. Invite them to visit you. Put the onus on them to have a relationship with their children's grandfather. Your daughters are grown-ups, they should be behaving as such.

If your middle daughter is the one who makes time for you, make plans to visit her. Let the other two know you'll be visiting with their sister, that you'd like to see them and their children, but that it will be up to them to make the plans within your schedule from here on in. There's no need for you to chase them to make arrangements to see them.

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@Roberts-USN,

"... I thought all of that nonsense was left behind as they became adults. I see they are now acting just like their mother and I don't know how to handle their behavior as adults ..."

It is long past time they should have been held accountable for their actions. Unfortunately, some people never grow up. I'm sorry you have to put up with such immaturity, Roberts-USN.

Since this childishness is being reinforced among themselves and by your ex-wife, it probably will not change in the foreseeable future. It's entirely up to you to decide how much nonsense you will put up with.

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@ehBeth,

ehBeth, I didn't leave the gifts with my other daughter because she barely sees her sisters, they don't make time for her just like they don't for me. She has a 3 year old and is pregnant and trying to get packed to move. I didn't want to burden her to deliver the gifts or have her hold them until she sees her sister again.

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@Eva,

Eva, thanks for the input. I've heard all of the same advice, from my wife. She told me years ago to get a handle on their "disrespect" before they reach adulthood, but I didn't let it bother me when they were kids. I blamed their mother for years and let the girls off the hook for their behavior. Boy, am I ever starting to see the error of my ways. I just felt bad that I couldn't be with them everyday because of the divorce and what little time I did get, I didn't want to ruin it by being an ogre or punishing them, etc. I fear my wife is coming to the point of leaving me if I keep dragging her through the drama and upset with me. I'm just bad at the disciplining part of being a dad, but so full of love for my daughters. I don't want to lose my wife over this, but I have no clue where to go from here with my daughters.

1 Reply

@Roberts-USN,

Roberts-USN wrote:

I have no clue where to go from here with my daughters.

they are grown-ups. It is up to them to behave like adults.

Get on with your life with your wife, enjoy your relationship with your middle child and her family, and let the other two sort themselves out.

You can't really discipline them now, but you can let them know where your boundaries are. Don't chase them to meet with you. If you are visiting your middle daughter, let the others know. If they want to see you they can take on the responsibility of scheduling it - at the convenience of you, your wife and your middle daughter.

There is no upside to continuing to reward them for their unpleasant behaviour.

1 Reply

@Roberts-USN,

It seems to me your children were taught to disrespect you and because you didn't want to cause further problems, you turned a blind eye to it and allowed it to happen. One of the biggest mistakes parents of divorce make with children is to try and win a popularity contest against the ex-spouse. Disneyland Dads are all fun and no discipline because of the limited time they have with the children. Children have friends, but only 2 parents. It's your job to be their parent and teach them how to love and respect others as well as how to self sooth and pacify themselves. I would bet your children are never happy even if they get exactly what they ask for. Children who are given everything are usually very miserable and can't find satisfaction and appreciation in anything they do. Break communication with the adult children that treat you badly, let them come to you next time. And no gifts!

2 Replies

@Reid1020,

Thanks Reid. Disneyland dad is a good representation of my relationship with them as small children. Not that I could afford all that fun, but there definitely wasn't discipline. When my wife insisted I make them obey the house rules (because she too had children to raise) it always caused contention between her and I.

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@Roberts-USN,

What you describe is only too common. Many divorced parents ignore discipline in order to "enjoy what little time we have together." Sounds good, but it's a mistake, as you've realized.

Your wife sounds like the voice of reason in all of this. Don't lose her! If your grown children are causing problems between you and your wife, then do whatever it takes to preserve peace at your house. Now that your children are adults, it is time that your wife and marriage come first, don't you think?

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@Eva,

Eva, thanks. My wife is absolutely #1 in my life. She grew up in a blended family so it's easier for her to know what to do and what not to do when it comes to children and step-children. She's never had to live without her children so sometimes I just feel like she doesn't know what it's like to have limited time with them like a lot of dad's experience. But yes, the children are grown and I put my marriage first, but for some reason I backslide when it comes to pleasing my daughters. I'm going to work on things with her and see if I can change my mindset when it comes to my girls and disrespect. I see now how in allowing it all to happen, I'm allowing my daughters to disrespect my wife as well and I definitely don't want that to happen anymore.

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@Reid1020,

Reid1020 wrote:

. . . It's your job to be their parent and
teach them how to love and respect others . . .

WELCOME to the forum.

HOW do u teach them how to love others ?

David

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Ditto with everything she and Jes and Eva has said. Stop trying to win them over. That's not going to work. Maybe nothing will, but at least you won't feel used and unappreciated anymore.

I'd like to meet your current wife - she sounds very smart! Now, listen to her Smile

1 Reply

@OmSigDAVID,

OmSigDAVID wrote:

...HOW do u teach them how to love others ?

By example, of course.

Love doesn't mean giving in all the time. It means doing what's best for someone, especially when it's hard to do.

1 Reply

@Eva,

Eva wrote:

OmSigDAVID wrote:
...HOW do u teach them how to love others ?

By example, of course.

Love doesn't mean giving in all the time. It means doing what's best for someone, especially when it's hard to do.

Thank u, Eva.

David

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@Mame,

Mame wrote:

Ditto with everything she and Jes and Eva has said. Stop trying to win them over. That's not going to work. Maybe nothing will, but at least you won't feel used and unappreciated anymore.

I'd like to meet your current wife - she sounds very smart! Now, listen to her .

There is a certain dignity
in staying away from where u r not wanted
and in walking away from people who don't like u.

David

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Please know that:

1. Baby's first birthday party is not the place for "quality" time with anybody, and everyone should know that. (I don't know why these first birthdays have gotten so out of hand, but they are lately. Sometimes I think it's for the mother, so show she has gotten thru the first year.) IMHO you should have gone anyway, just to make an appearance and greet others.

2. There is probably some sibling rivalry going on so separate your attention. Spend time with one child and her family, if you can. Then move on to the next one. Do this with and without your current wife and make it a private gathering (no ex-wife)

3. There is NO need to arrive with an armful of presents to ANY event, so - yes - quit the excessive gift buying. Set up a bank savings account for grandchildren instead of the gifts.

4. Stop beating yourself up about the past. And stop giving your ex-wife so much power in group meetings. (See number 2) Your girls are still too young to see the dynamics of the past. They won't get it until they are 30, believe me.

Good luck; your current wife seems to see things clearly so get her feedback.

1 Reply

Is it time to make adult children accountable for their actions?

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