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Can you remain friends after an affair?

 
 
Reply Sat 11 May, 2013 03:47 pm
So,I have already written a brief introduction in my earlier post considering my affair. It ended last month as he decided to stay with his family for the sake of his daughter. We want to keep the friendship, yet the boundaries are all blurred, I never know what to or say, if what is appropriate. I don't know it going for coffee twice a week is still acceptable. The thought of breaking contact completely kills me yet when I am in contact I never want to leave him the bond is that strong. I am certain I love this man, and I didn't realise trying to walk away could be so so painful. I feel things, emotions I have never felt. I wish hours and days away just to see him, yet I know I need to break away. It is like its just going to be with us forever, We have gone cold turkey and it killed us.

Advice please
 
PUNKEY
 
  3  
Reply Sun 12 May, 2013 06:17 pm

Why would you want to be "friends" after what you had?

Stop trying to manipulate the situation. It ain't going any further.

You are deluding yourself and if you were honest with yourself, you would know you are trying to work him until he changes his mind.

It ain't gonna happen. So why torture yourself?

Are YOU still married?


.
JPB
 
  1  
Reply Sun 12 May, 2013 06:23 pm
@Georgia27,
Define friendship. It's really up to the two of you to define. You've shared things that will always be there in your memories. Is there really anyone else in your life experience that you can say you've shared these things with as she-friends, or a he-friend? Can you love him as you'd love a she-friend? If you can't put him in that box then it will be very difficult to turn what you had into a friendship.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  7  
Reply Sun 12 May, 2013 06:42 pm
@Georgia27,
Georgia27 wrote:
he decided to stay with his family


My big piece of advice would be to stop rationalizing his decision as something he did for his daughter.

Plain and simple, he decided to stay in his marriage. Full stop.

In a few years, or maybe a decade, you might be able to be friends with him.

Right now you need to focus on yourself and not on how to have a relationship with a man who has chosen to stay in his marriage.

Coffee twice a week is not acceptable at this stage.

You need to stop using language like "trying to walk away". You need to walk away.

I understand that your daughters are friends. The one message you need to get to him is that he can not come to your home to pick up/drop off his daughter and that he needs to stay away from you at school. He owes you that much.

He was able to cover up your affair with his wife - he'll be smart enough to make other arrangements for his daughter.
Georgia27
 
  1  
Reply Mon 13 May, 2013 04:30 am
@PUNKEY,
Yes I am still married, and yes I agree that is it a impossible situation, I am just finding it hard to break the habit
0 Replies
 
Georgia27
 
  1  
Reply Mon 13 May, 2013 04:33 am
@ehBeth,
Thank you for your advice. I know I need to break contact fully. I admit I am in the wrong. I also know that us meeting twice a week for coffee is not a good thing and it is putting me back to square one every day.
At the time I believed he loved me and its so hard to think that I would have started over for him and sacrificed everything, where I now know to him it was quite obviously only a bit of fun.
0 Replies
 
Reid1020
 
  3  
Reply Tue 14 May, 2013 09:26 am
@Georgia27,
Don't try to be friends. Be mad! See him for what he is and all he's done to you. He's help create this fantasy life that he had no intention of becoming part of for you. In staying married after all you've shared, he's chosing his WIFE over you. That in itself is a painful blow, but to allow him to continue to be part of your life will only keep the hurt coming. He's not hurting, trust me when I say this. He's got the best of both worlds keeping his mundane safe life at home and keeping the exciting life with you. Axe him, toss him to the curb. Force him to live his mundane life with wifey and he just might grow a pair and get a divorce and find the life he's been missing. But by no means should you allow him to steal your happiness. He doesn't deserve the love and excitement you offer him. If he's not happily married, get the hell out. People who stay for the kids are foolish! Who wants their kids to grow up with parents who don't love, respect or cherish one another? Kids need to see how true love relationships work through good times and bad, even if that relationship is not between Mommy and Daddy!
Georgia27
 
  1  
Reply Tue 14 May, 2013 03:04 pm
@Reid1020,
Thank you for such wise words. I feel here that my problem is self respect and low self esteem. The posts I read the more I believe this is why I am not letting go, because as people are quite rightly saying I did not mean a thing to him. I do notice that he constantly gets grumpy, and says he fears I will soon move on to a new man or make my marriage work, yet he chose to make his marriage work. I was willing to give it all up, to make him happy and to take on his daughter also. I cannot believe a person could really think so little of me. I am getting stronger, and support from here be it positive or negative is all a great support.
glitterbag
 
  2  
Reply Wed 15 May, 2013 08:27 pm
@Georgia27,
If you dismiss what he did to you, consider what could have happened if his daughter or your daughter figured it out. Even if both girls are very young they will notice something that seems too chummy or could become confused or angry/jealous of the tension in the air when you two are together. If I were you, I think I'd be pissed he is playing it safe and has access to two women. You have too much to lose, and it will be ugly.
Georgia27
 
  1  
Reply Thu 16 May, 2013 03:04 am
@glitterbag,
I understand what you have written and yes I agree it may not have taken long for the children to notice. They are both 9. I know that if everything was found out it would have been awful. I do not understand the motive for therefore to keep me as a friend and still see me.
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Sat 18 May, 2013 05:13 pm
@Georgia27,
Yes you do...

So that you remain "nice" .. Never get angry... Never tell his wife and then there is, his ego.. You "were/are" his. And, lastly, the off chance that he can't help himself when he gets horny to change the direction of friendship again.

Please remember your other thread and best wishes, it's time to cut this off for your own sanity and sake and find the same thing if you leave your husband with an available man and be happy.
0 Replies
 
BreakFree
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Jul, 2013 04:44 am
@Georgia27,
Hi Georgia,

How did you get on with this? i am going through exactly the same thing, would love to hear how you are getting on and maybe talk?
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Jul, 2013 06:48 am
@BreakFree,
The first step is to make a decision to make the break and move on.

Georgia still has not done that, really.

When he flaunts ANOTHER love, then it will hit her.
BreakFree
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Jul, 2013 06:58 am
@PUNKEY,
@Punkey thanks for the reply, i have made the decision to make the break but its so hard as we work together. I am trying to move on i really am but i keep going over everything that we did/said in my head. its very hard to forget and move forward.. Sad
engineer
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Jul, 2013 07:02 am
@BreakFree,
If you click on Georgia's name in her posts, you will get her profile and an option to PM her. That will likely send her an email in case she is not actively reading the post anymore.
BreakFree
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Jul, 2013 07:07 am
@engineer,
Thank you.
0 Replies
 
Thomas
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Jul, 2013 07:49 am
@Georgia27,
Georgia27 wrote:
We have gone cold turkey and it killed us.

You say "us", but your post says nothing to the effect that he wants to stay friends. Does he?

Assuming that both of you want to remain friends, can you? It's not impossible, but in my experience with Americans, you guys tend to exhibit weird hangups around being friends with exes or with people who'd rather be more than friends. Expect complications if you try to go that route.
tobyhollywood
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Jan, 2014 02:22 pm
I don't believe you can remain friends after an affair. When you love each other, friendship is a part of it and once your affair goes to the falling in love for each other, it is impossible just to go back to being friends. Even if you had a fabulous friendship like we had which did develop into something very special. I am left dumbfounded as to how out of the blue after a year he can walk away. The bottom line is we all learn from our mistakes and having just come out of this affair for a year, which was totally unexpected after being told how much this guy was in love with me it left me devastated. However I am going one day at a time, keeping busy and in my job too and not letting anyone see how heartbroken I am, but at least I know, his life at home will only ever be the same as it was when he met me and he will have to live with that. Stay being nice as I am going to be, and if he should contact me again, it will be many questions, in that I won't allow myself to get caught up in the same situation I have just been in. I will protect myself and he will have to do all the running and I will be doing no more hiding. If you're hurting as I am my advice is I'm trying to be strong and move on, it's not easy but I will get there with time. Him - I don't know, but one thing is for sure, I know he is in a very unhappy marriage and he will have to live with that. Be Brave, Be Strong. We deserve better.
0 Replies
 
happyeve
 
  1  
Reply Tue 28 Oct, 2014 02:14 am
@Georgia27,
Hi Georgia, I have been going through something very similar. We both tried cold turkey and both times we got in touch again. I really don't know what to do either. I know deep down we can't be friends but it just kills me I've told him things I haven't told anyone. We share our thoughts..it's going to be so hard. I am just in limbo at the moment...and it's a complete nightmare. I wish you all the luck and strength to cope with your situation .x
0 Replies
 
Germlat
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Nov, 2014 01:49 pm
@Thomas,
It's not a matter of Americanism in my opinion. Maybe Canadian unfaithful men know how to weather the storm. But--there's nothing wrong with creating a distance when what you need is to dissociate to obtain clarity.
 

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