Cheating, co-worker - what should a girlfriend do?

Reply Mon 22 Apr, 2013 07:56 am

I would love your feedback on the below - anything would help, not sure how to move forward.

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. When I started approaching the topic of marriage last year, our relationship became a bit turbulent. He wasn't sure if he wanted marriage, I was a bit sad that after this time he was so unsure about me/our future. So we decided to give each other some space so we could decide how we felt about each other.

The above was in December and we decided to give it another go in late February as we both missed each other. We had a birthday party for him in March (his 35th) and a lot of his co-workers and friends came.

After this party, one of his co-workers reached out to me (which is kind of strange) and said that he had been seeing this girl at the office when we where on a break, and that they had a trip to Napa Valley planned in April. What he did when we where apart is one thing, but an upcoming trip together "around work" sounded very shady to me. So I confronted him and he said that he was going to cancel the trip. He got extremely mad though, yelling and screaming. I was trying to explain that if we could tell me what was going on, perhaps I could understand but he said that nothing was going on.

I am not sure what to do now. I don't want to nag him about the above, as I don't think it is good to act as the jealous girlfriend. But at the same time, I am sad mostly because on a women's intuition, I think he may have feelings for someone else, whilst still with me.

What should I do?

Your response would be much much appreciated.


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Reply Mon 22 Apr, 2013 08:32 am
Hi Sarah.

I'm sorry this is happening.

Does he have the sort of job where he goes on business trips? Just on the off chance that it's nothing. I used to be away from home 200 - 250 days/year (it stank!) and often left with guys but it was for auditing and nothing ever happened (and I didn't want it to, no one suggested it, etc.). Essentially my point is that it is entirely possible for people to have productive business trips with no subtext.

But -

you have his coworker saying something. Could the coworker have an agenda, giving you this information? It's up to you to determine whether the coworker's information is reliable. Certainly the trip is real as your boyfriend did not deny it, the question is whether it is for anything beyond business.

I'd like to know why your boyfriend got angry. Because the coworker is a blabbermouth? Because you jumped to conclusions? Because he was caught? Because he feels its upsetting the fragile nature of a reconciliation relationship? Something else?

Whatever the answer is to that question, that's going to be the driver of things. So ask - calmly, not during a fight, not during other things. Explain what you told us here, that if it was something from when you two were not seeing each other, hey, it happens, but you still expect the trip to be cancelled. And if it is a business trip, then you believe that that's all it is (and you have really gotta say this, and give him the benefit of the doubt unless you have evidence to the contrary that is beyond a nebulous feeling). And if it is more than that, then you want to know what's going on in your relationship, and whether it's got a chance.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply Mon 22 Apr, 2013 08:51 am
I feel that the yelling and carrying on in a volatile manner is what I'd be concerned with. Is that what you deserve when you ask him about relationship questions?

Personally, I think that 5 years is long enough to determine where you need to this relationship to go. this recent reaction (over-reaction) is not a good sign. You're young enough to move on and find someone new. The fact that a co-worker has wised you up is also not a good sign of honesty and trustworthiness. I think your b/f should have been more forthcoming and should not over-react when you confronted him about this trip.

Good luck with it.
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