Think I am headed for divorce

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I have been with my husband now for almost 8 years. He was married to a woman for 12 years before me. She recently died and her funeral is Saturday. She had two boys that my husband raised from the the time they were like 3 and 4 but since the divorce have not really had anything to do with him. My husbands whole family and friends never really had anything nice to say about her and even his boss knew how she had an online affair with a high school sweetheart that she ended up leaving him for. My question is EVERYBODY keeps calling to ask him if HE is ok. I think that is weird and he doesn't what do I do? He says because of the way I think I have mental issues and insecurities. I just think that if you haven't spoken to someone in over at least 5 years that it shouldn't be this big a deal to you. One of the boys even lived with us for the first year that we were together but he moved in with his grandmother after that. I went and took out a loan to buy those boys Christmas and tried to be a caring step parent if you will but none of that is being remember at this time. Since then the only time the two boys have contacted him was when they were in trouble with the law or needed something from him. I understand that the boys are hurt and lost their mother and I am ok with him calling to check on them or whatever but is right for him to be as upset as he is over her death and making me out to be the bad guy?

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Type: Discussion • Score: 8 • Views: 1,268 • Replies: 8

@hurtandlost,

hurtandlost wrote:

is right for him to be as upset as he is over her death and making me out to be the bad guy?

The short answer is "yes."

Regardless of how you think he should feel about his ex, he is a separate person from you and has his own feelings.

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@hurtandlost,

I agree with DrewDad.

It is normal for your husband to have deep emotions when someone he has known dies, especially when this is a person he once had an intimate relationship with. He has every right to grieve.

So yes. It is right for your husband to be upset about the death of his ex-wife and especially right for him to be concerned about the kids he has helped to raise.

I think your feelings are normal as well. I don't consider you a bad person for having them. But, you do need to take responsibility for your feelings (they aren't your husbands fault).

But you have know more right to control how your husband feels then he has to control how you feel.

Feelings are feelings. Acknowledge them. Then focus on how you value the relationship.

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@hurtandlost,

hurtandlost wrote:

I think that is weird and he doesn't what do I do?

<snip>

but is right for him to be as upset as he is over her death

He has a right to have his own feelings about the death of his former wife.

What do you do? Accept that he has feelings about the death and don't tell him it's weird to grieve.

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@hurtandlost,

having read his version of events the other day, I really think you should both look into marriage counseling of some sort.

or yes, you are heading toward divorce...

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@Rockhead,

thanks for the clue Rocky

http://able2know.org/topic/209254-1

the OP left out a couple of important details here eh

I think her thread title may be correct unless someone can help this couple communicate.

1 Reply

@hurtandlost,

This is a sad story. But we all have feelings that are mixed or otherwise hard for others to understand. We can love more than one person at a time. Support him in his grief and ask him to try to understand your feelings as well. And do seek marital therapy before making the difficult decision to divorce. It will only complicate your feelings and make trouble down the line.

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@ehBeth,

It is interesting reading both sides. Its amazing how we all seem to fly in totally different realities and then wish to become the victim.

I aint sayin **** but the answer to your question is definately yes

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Funerals and marriages in mixed marriages are not the place to do a sanity check of your relationship.

Step back and let this event run its course. You will be the one there for him when it's all over.

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Think I am headed for divorce

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