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Wed 27 Feb, 2013 10:01 am
Alright, I know the title sounds corny, but I'm serious. I'm 20 years old now, and looking back on a lot of interactions I had... they were very gay. It seems like my brain pushed these memories way down, and just recently, I brought them out.
For example... when I was at a daycare, me and this other kid took our clothes off, and we'd kiss and stuff. Shortly after he said something, I couldn't go there anymore. Another kid I kissed too IN school. And I was always really "into" masturbation, and would ask friends weird questions about it. But see, I'm 20 now, and I'm totally into women. If I see anything gay, I'm really grossed out by it, and literally doesn't appeal to me. So, when I was younger, was I just experimenting? I feel crazy and ashamed of those times.
The only reason I have to ask these things is because they are completely humiliating, and I can hardly bring myself to ask a parent or even my girlfriend what she thinks. I don't have gay-like mannerisms or anything like that. I drink and smoke with friends and whatnot. But those things from my childhood... what the hell?
I'd sincerely appreciate anybody's honest input on this, as it's troubling to have in my past, without an understood, and mature grip on it.
Thanks again.
@superjeff23,
Well, one thing you need to understand is that the whole idea of "gay-like mannerisms" is a non-starter. Lots of people are gay, and they don't all behave the same way. It's not like you get a manual when you're 16 (or 8 or 35 or whenever you realize you are) that says,
guys now need to be into musical theater and women need to go out and buy a lotta plaid shirts.
Maybe you were experimenting. Or maybe societal norms have convinced you that those behaviors were evil (or disgusting or whatever you want to call 'em), but you're actually bi.
There is a spectrum of sexuality - people aren't, generally, 100% one way or the other. There are a lot more grey areas than you have probably been led to believe.
If it bothers you a lot, there's always counseling, and that might not be a bad idea either way, as you're clearly concerned about these behaviors. Sometimes overly sexualized children can mean that one of them was sexually abused - you could even be repressing memories of this other kid being hurt or telling you that he had been - but that's up to a licensed therapist to bring that out of you, if it's even in there at all.
Don't beat yurself up about what you did as a younger person. You have grown and discovered your sexual preference.
The only thing I'd be concerned about is that if you see anything gay, it "grosses" you out. Why? It has no power over you now.
Be still and be confident about yourself.
How sad that this is tagged
NSFW (not safe for work)
Jeff I wouldn't worry about your past experiences in the slightest. If you want to ask any psychologist who studies sexuality, they would tell you that almost every child has experiences such as yours. This doesn't make you gay, it doesn't make you straight, it doesn't make you bi-sexual either. Your sexuality is whoever you feel attracted to (it sounds like from your comment this is women).
My advice to you is to not worry too much about finding the "proper label" for yourself. The only time you should have some concern, is if your sexual fantasies or interests involve hurting someone, or involve a non-adult. In that case you should seek the help of a professional therapist.
Good luck Jeff
Eventually we will live in a society where this type of question seems not so important.
@superjeff23,
Many children (or I should say most) experiment with sex play. And lots of people have experimented with homosexual play as well. This does not make a person gay. If a man is sexually interested in women and not sexually interested in men, as you say you are, then you're not gay. Gays and Lesbians are sexually interested in people of their same sex. That's the difference.
@superjeff23,
Daycare? Little kids take off their clothes and hug and kiss all the time. Totally normal kid behavior. You probably fought and threw stuff at him too. That doesn't make you a psychopath.
I believe teenage boys could probably masturbate non-stop if time permitted. Again. Normal.
Kissing a boy. Again. Kinda normal. It's called exploring your world. People do it all the time, test boundaries and so on. If it was a mind blowing event, you would have remembered it and probably have repeated it.
So relax.
Your normal. By the sounds of it, exceedingly so. Quit smoking. Don't drink and drive.
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