My sexual confusion is destroying my dating/sex life

I am 29, male. In advance sorry for the long text.

I do not feel comfortable writing about it but I thought that maybe here people have answers to my question. I am very confused of what I want and it is making it very hard for me to engage into a relationship with someone.

I am sexually attracted to a very very specific type of group of males. The male genitalia does attract me very much but so does the female body. I think I am pansexual. But I cannot kiss men. I can just have sex with very few of them, like they have to be female looking. I dislike I would say what we would call normale males. I do watch more porn about men and transsexuals than with females. And there are days when I completely dislike men and when I am disgusted by them and by myself and I switch over to females to feel better. And I do feel better. But my sexual urge for sexual contact with male/transsexuals is sometimes immensely high. But at the same time I get disgusted by it often.

I had sex with females, males and transsexual women. My only relationships were with women. And I do miss till today my ex. I always think about her and might still love her. Since then I am having trouble to develop any kind of deeper emotion for someone. I never do have these emotions with the males/transsexuals I have met before. When I date a girl that is exactly my type I wish to have a relationship with her other than with men or transsexual women. In moments of heat I wish that too. But that is just the lust speaking out of me or isn’t it? And I do feel comfortable only around females after sex.
I cannot really tell where I do feel more lust or tension. With both genders it is great.
But lately I am having trouble to have sex because this topic is just confusing me on a maximum level. And I cannot think of something else. I just wish to know myself and know what I want. I do kot know what my body is trying to tell me.
I know of this issue I have with myself since 10 years. I thought with age it would clarify by itself. It didn‘t..

I am sorry for the long text but maybe someone here can help or tell me what orientation I have or what the *** is wrong with me.