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What Am I?

 
 
bri4n
 
Reply Sat 16 Aug, 2014 02:09 am
A few of things before you continue reading -

- This is another 'am I straight/gay/bi/something else' posts, so if you've read enough of those, feel free to skip this one
- I know there is a bit of a stigma about labels, but for this - my thread/question - you all have permission to use them - sometimes labelling something (or someone) makes it easier to understand
- Though this is not-really-safe-for-work, there's nothing really pornographic - just a couple risqué words
- Nothing I say is intended to avoid being labelled one way or another. Being gay is not something that would bother me - I don't understand homophobia any more than I do racism. I tell it exactly as it is so you have all the facts. What's the point in lying when you're anonymous...

So, I'm a guy and just turned 28 (not really relevant, just paints the picture). I've had a couple of long term relationship and a lot of short term ones. All with women. All 'normal'.
I'm physically attracted to women. Nothing about men is attractive to me (as mentioned about, I don't say this because I don't want to be labelled gay, I just simply am not physically attracted to men).
I don't have any gender identity confusion - I'm a guy, I feel like a guy, think like a guy, and have never felt any other way.
Why am I telling you all this? So you understand why I felt the need to write this post.

I have a fantasy (one might call it a 'fetish' - though I don't really think that word's right) that basically involves me sucking cock.

I've had this fantasy (in varying degrees and scenarios - hence the 'fetish' potential) for years. It's, more or less, IS my highlight reel (for those of you not familiar, one's highlight reel is the thoughts/fantasies you imagine when masterbating). The porn I watch is predominately a pretty girl deep-throating a guy - without being too crude, it's basically a guy having sex with their mouth - using them. Blackmail seems to be a common theme.
This is the extent of my 'curious' sexual appetite, however. Just to be explicit, I don't have a taste for any other 'gay' activities i.e. no anal/ass-play, not even kissing a man. I have no desire to dress-up like a woman, or anything else for that matter.

I've never actually acted on it though. The closed I came was a few years ago. I got up the courage to meet up with an older married guy so I could test it/myself out. I managed to make it all the way to sitting on him couch - after a brief chat, he took his pants off (undies still on) in an attempted to get things moving - fair enough. And that's as far as it got. I left and convinced myself on the drive home that that was the defining moment for me. I couldn't go through with it, so it was obviously just some kind of curiosity phase that would pass - if it was real, I'd have gone through with it, right?

Well that was 4+ years ago. I still haven't done anything about it. I still have the fantasy - it's pretty much the only one I have. I often think that I'll never have the guts to do anything about it unless I'm somehow forced into it (maybe blackmailed - I think that's why I like EDIT: MODERATOR: LINK REMOVED so much - it plays into, or perpetuates, my fantasy) or a risk-free opportunity presents itself i.e. I'm at a party where no one knows me and a guy asks me to in private or something.

Regardless. I never related to being gay as I figure you need to at least be attracted to men. For the same reason, I haven't related to being BI. But I want to give head. So, what do you think? Is there a label for me? Am I unclassifiable? Do you need more information? Feel free to comments, inbox me, what ever. I really appreciate any help the internet has to offer.
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