@Justcreepitreal,
Justcreepitreal wrote:
Thanks for the quick response. I understand that subjectively, to the casual observer, it is hard to fully dissect a situation & offer advice due to lack of insight & knowledge of that circumstance. I appreciate your foreshadowing into a possible, future, Dante's inferno of regret & hatred toward that person... Yet I typically am not the type to throw a perfect batch of ripe strawberries into the garbage if I happen to come across a spoiled fruit. Subjectively this may sound as if I'm being controlled or taken advantage of... & to further make ruling on my personal life, the age difference just seemingly adds more fuel to the fire, to the passerby... I would like to clear it up. I recognize the signs & symptoms of poisoning, I have been in a toxic relationship in the past. Our relationship is not toxic. No offense... I was only inferring about troubleshooting this issue from someone who has been through similar events. I find it extremely difficult to walk away from someone I love. I would like to try & help before running away. If this makes me sound like the classic, "I can change him," I would love to correct that falsity. I am not out for that sort of blood. As I understand it, everyone has a unique set of problems. I will take an educated guess (as I haven't much life experience), & say that I would be hard pressed to find someone void of troubles. I've had the balls, for lack of better verbiage, to put effort into resolving my own issues & insecurities & I work on molding myself into the best person I can be each & every day. I have faith in my boyfriend & I think he could be capable of doing the same if he attempted. The question was; do I nudge? Do I stand back & let him do for himself? Everyone needs a hand, sometime in life. Not to be argumentative, but all that was said about the future, is a bit too imaginative for my mind. I try & live day to day. I respect my future, set myself up for it, but do not plan for catastrophe... & I think it's a bit satanic to imply that I would be beaten down for an organic disease - if I were to become a heroin addict then yes, I would give him permission to beat my ass... but Lupus or Epstein Barr... & if I found myself in a horrid situation with a child I would head out like a baby. Assuming I made a conscious decision to bring a child into the world on cracked foundation., which is tragic as I have experienced first hand through my work. Anyways, hope that helps, thanks again.
In all honesty, I hadn't noticed the age difference - wasn't writing about that at all.
I'm not saying a backhand smack for a disease, but he does seem to act awfully nasty to people he finds wanting, and you've already written that he's been nasty to you. And he currently doesn't have a lot of ammo to be a jerk to you (yet he's done it anyway). If and when he does get some ammo, well, he's going to behave even worse, I suspect. Or do you feel that you would deserve to be ill-treated?
I agree you won't find anyone without problems. No one is suggesting that there's some perfection out there that you're missing out on. Rather, it's that these are rather clear flags and you can, I can tell you, there are a lot of people out there who don't have this particular species of baggage.
And you do not have to fix this guy, or try to. You're in therapy, and he won't go, right? So you have done your part. This guy doesn't think he's wrong, and he's not going to take too kindly to suggestions for personal growth when he thinks he doesn't have a problem.
Plus - even if he did - that's a crappy dynamic to get into, where he is damaged and you continually offer fixes. That's not a partnership; it's a reclamation project.
How do you cope?
Here are your choices, so far as I can tell (your mileage may vary).
1) Do nothing. But that doesn't do anything for you, eh? Do you just let him act like a jerk to you, and to his mother? Do you hope he'll grow out of it? You're here asking about how to fix the
status quo ante. You have been together for a couple of years and, by your own admission, you are at the end of your tether. Think you'll feel any better if you sit and stew for another two years without saying or doing anything?
2) Point out the error of his ways. If you stay together, you may find yourself being labeled as a nag (after all, he does not see anything wrong with what he's doing).
3) Drag his ass to therapy. I get the feeling he's not going to like this option.
4) Cut off all ties with his family and yes him to death. I bet he'd enjoy this option. But where does that leave you?
5) Leave.
There are probably other options but no matter what, they all take some time. Do you have a lot to spare on this guy? And one more thing - most of these options do nothing for you. You are a part of this relationship, yes? All of this is about him, coping with him, fixing him, walking on eggshells around him, perhaps. This is not one tiny rotten strawberry in a big bowl of luscious fruit; this is maybe a half a ripe strawberry for you in a big bowl of fruit that is for somebody else to eat. Perhaps you feel you are being unselfish for giving all of this up for him, but I can tell you, you're setting yourself up for resentment if you do.
Life does not have to be this way.
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