7
   

My boyfriend resents his mother; hates all contact I have with her

 
 
Reply Sun 10 Feb, 2013 03:49 pm
I am writing out of complete desperation.
A short summary;
My boyfriend & I have been together for two years - we live together & share equal parts in providing for our home. We are both extremely motivated people & are in the emergency medical field; both paramedics, he is also a firefighter & Marine ( inactive duty ). Everything is great - we have fun, have the same ideals & wants in life & plan on making it happen together. He is 28 & I'm 22 - slight (lol) age difference, but truth be told it is only apparent in some situations. (He's pretty immature - sarcasm - but mature where it counts lol). Anyways I have been struggling to build a relationship with his family... The problem is, he resents his mother & sister. This deep seeded resentment has always been obvious to me - his father left when he was a child & ever since he has become an unstoppable force to make his life as picture perfect as he can. I in no way hold it against him, incentive is a beautiful thing... But on the other hand... His mother is not a marine. She's not a medic or firefighter or politician or anything "remarkable" occupation wise. She's a good person. She's a lonely person & a bit of an animal hoarder with her daughter (his sister) who is my age, 22. She's crass & smokes & pops painkillers on occasion. But she's just one of those types - she cares daylong for both my boyfriend & her horses. She volunteers with elderly Alzheimer's patients & works a humble secretary job. His sister has not yet decided what to do with her life & parties & mooches off her mom. They don't want a lot in life & are happy how they are. (something i wish more people felt). Ok. I get the anger my boyfriend feels for wanting them to make better for themselves. But he has this undermining, belittling, grandiose & superior way of thinking about himself & they are simply not good enough. "Not contributing members of society" "worthless" "stupid" "crazy" & derogatory name calling. I understand his resentment goes back to childhood & have suggested we go talk to a psychologist ( I've been seeing one since 12 & am so lucky to have that luxury.) he says nothing. He hangs up the phone on her, refuses to answer calls, screams & yells at her, then asks her for favors & money, which in return, desperate for any contact with her son, she gives him. DRAMA. Whatever he's spoiled & a complete baby when he doesn't get what he wants from her. He takes & takes & treats her like she's the scum of the earth & she keeps giving in & the cycle perpetuates. My personal problem is my relationship with her & the way my boyfriend treats me. SCARY. If I answer her calls because he has blown her off for half a week; "BEST FRIENDS YOU TWO ARE BFFS WHAT DID I TELL YOU DON'T TALK TO HER SHE'S INSANE!!" All day. If I open the door to her because she needs to drop something off he goes ballistic - tells me to hide in the room from her, even. Like wtf. Yet then there are times we meet her at the barn to help her with the horses - we've been to dinner & the lake house with her. Then & ONLY then is it acceptable for me to talk to her.
I don't want to disrespect him but this is weird & freaks me out (the level of hatred he has is frightening at times). I don't want to be her best friend. I don't want to chat with her everyday. I want to have a normal functioning relationship. I tell him this & he screams that I don't know his family, shut up, go away & runs to our bedroom slamming the door & giving me the silent treatment all day. He acts batshit insane & it scares me because he's very sharp & reserved & calm & logical usually.
I don't want to pry into his life & disrespect him. But I'm tired of this back & fourth & I'm ready to just be out of character & be that son's girlfriend who's a complete robot to what he says. I'm trying to hold together a messed up family for the sake of normalcy. I'm a civilized person. I was not raised to treat others like this.
We just had a huge fight over it because he found out I spoke with his mother yesterday to assure her that her son is ok & idk why he won't answer her calls. He's psychotic over it & I don't know what to do. Any advice would be amazing. Sorry for the novel.
  • Topic Stats
  • Top Replies
  • Link to this Topic
Type: Question • Score: 7 • Views: 9,559 • Replies: 45

 
View best answer, chosen by Justcreepitreal
Justcreepitreal
 
  1  
Reply Sun 10 Feb, 2013 03:58 pm
@Justcreepitreal,
For the record he is not & has never been physically abusive to me. He has been mentally abusive when he's angry & I have seen similarities with the way he treats me & his mother. He demeans. I'm not stupid though & refuse to be a victim to it, I voice my opinions & I care deeply for him. I'm just wondering if this is salvageable because I see the root of these fights having nothing to do with me at all, like he implies, but with him.. Can he get over it? Do I help? Ugh
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  4  
Reply Sun 10 Feb, 2013 04:18 pm
I have often heard: - look at the relationship that a man has with his mother and you will see how he views women.

Looks like he is treating YOU the same as he does HER. This is his view of the value of women.

Good luck.

Talk this over with your counselor. The way that you accept this man's bizarre behavior says something about your own self esteem.


jespah
 
  3  
Reply Sun 10 Feb, 2013 04:26 pm
Well, it's a good thing he hasn't raised a hand to you but, seriously, how many red flags do you need?

Consider this. Let's say you have a child together. What happens if/when that child does not do so hot in school? Or decides to become, I dunno, an artist or some other allegedly worthless profession? Or brings home someone who is somehow unworthy? Or is somehow physically unsound? See where I'm going with this?

This guy's got issues, and you know that, but you are a rational, mature human being. Really want a four-year-old to be put through this? Because that could very well happen.

Let's say you don't have kids, and you even get your tubes tied and everything. Okay, one problem down. But what about the rest of it? Your fellow's got major league problems if he sees his mother as being only good for being a cash register. And you're right to see that there's much dysfunction there. It's symbiotic - he's nasty to his mother, who gets no attention from him other than the negative, so she feeds into that, and gives him money, and then he withholds attention (I can't call any of this crap love) until he wants something.

And what happens if you somehow become lacking? What if you gain weight (as you get older and, eventually, menopausal, our bodies change and it's gets tough to stay lean)? What if you become disabled? Social Security says there's a 1 in 3 chance of a healthy 20-year-old worker becoming disabled. What if it's a tough to see or diagnose ailment, like lupus, or Lyme disease or Epstein-Barr? Wanna be verbally kicked at while you're down, and trying to figure out what's wrong with you? 'Cause it looks, an awful lot, to me, like that's his modus operandi.

And heaven forfend if you were to become clinically depressed, eh?

You can see what is happening. But it seems an awful lot like you're watching things unfold without doing anything about them. Will you let this happen to you and then, when you are 40 or 50 or 70 suddenly realize that, hey, your life together kinda sucked? Because I am not seeing a whole helluva lotta joy here.
Justcreepitreal
 
  0  
Reply Sun 10 Feb, 2013 06:38 pm
@jespah,
Thanks for the quick response. I understand that subjectively, to the casual observer, it is hard to fully dissect a situation & offer advice due to lack of insight & knowledge of that circumstance. I appreciate your foreshadowing into a possible, future, Dante's inferno of regret & hatred toward that person... Yet I typically am not the type to throw a perfect batch of ripe strawberries into the garbage if I happen to come across a spoiled fruit. Subjectively this may sound as if I'm being controlled or taken advantage of... & to further make ruling on my personal life, the age difference just seemingly adds more fuel to the fire, to the passerby... I would like to clear it up. I recognize the signs & symptoms of poisoning, I have been in a toxic relationship in the past. Our relationship is not toxic. No offense... I was only inferring about troubleshooting this issue from someone who has been through similar events. I find it extremely difficult to walk away from someone I love. I would like to try & help before running away. If this makes me sound like the classic, "I can change him," I would love to correct that falsity. I am not out for that sort of blood. As I understand it, everyone has a unique set of problems. I will take an educated guess (as I haven't much life experience), & say that I would be hard pressed to find someone void of troubles. I've had the balls, for lack of better verbiage, to put effort into resolving my own issues & insecurities & I work on molding myself into the best person I can be each & every day. I have faith in my boyfriend & I think he could be capable of doing the same if he attempted. The question was; do I nudge? Do I stand back & let him do for himself? Everyone needs a hand, sometime in life. Not to be argumentative, but all that was said about the future, is a bit too imaginative for my mind. I try & live day to day. I respect my future, set myself up for it, but do not plan for catastrophe... & I think it's a bit satanic to imply that I would be beaten down for an organic disease - if I were to become a heroin addict then yes, I would give him permission to beat my ass... but Lupus or Epstein Barr... & if I found myself in a horrid situation with a child I would head out like a baby. Assuming I made a conscious decision to bring a child into the world on cracked foundation., which is tragic as I have experienced first hand through my work. Anyways, hope that helps, thanks again.
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Sun 10 Feb, 2013 07:01 pm
@Justcreepitreal,
Justcreepitreal wrote:

Thanks for the quick response. I understand that subjectively, to the casual observer, it is hard to fully dissect a situation & offer advice due to lack of insight & knowledge of that circumstance. I appreciate your foreshadowing into a possible, future, Dante's inferno of regret & hatred toward that person... Yet I typically am not the type to throw a perfect batch of ripe strawberries into the garbage if I happen to come across a spoiled fruit. Subjectively this may sound as if I'm being controlled or taken advantage of... & to further make ruling on my personal life, the age difference just seemingly adds more fuel to the fire, to the passerby... I would like to clear it up. I recognize the signs & symptoms of poisoning, I have been in a toxic relationship in the past. Our relationship is not toxic. No offense... I was only inferring about troubleshooting this issue from someone who has been through similar events. I find it extremely difficult to walk away from someone I love. I would like to try & help before running away. If this makes me sound like the classic, "I can change him," I would love to correct that falsity. I am not out for that sort of blood. As I understand it, everyone has a unique set of problems. I will take an educated guess (as I haven't much life experience), & say that I would be hard pressed to find someone void of troubles. I've had the balls, for lack of better verbiage, to put effort into resolving my own issues & insecurities & I work on molding myself into the best person I can be each & every day. I have faith in my boyfriend & I think he could be capable of doing the same if he attempted. The question was; do I nudge? Do I stand back & let him do for himself? Everyone needs a hand, sometime in life. Not to be argumentative, but all that was said about the future, is a bit too imaginative for my mind. I try & live day to day. I respect my future, set myself up for it, but do not plan for catastrophe... & I think it's a bit satanic to imply that I would be beaten down for an organic disease - if I were to become a heroin addict then yes, I would give him permission to beat my ass... but Lupus or Epstein Barr... & if I found myself in a horrid situation with a child I would head out like a baby. Assuming I made a conscious decision to bring a child into the world on cracked foundation., which is tragic as I have experienced first hand through my work. Anyways, hope that helps, thanks again.


In all honesty, I hadn't noticed the age difference - wasn't writing about that at all.

I'm not saying a backhand smack for a disease, but he does seem to act awfully nasty to people he finds wanting, and you've already written that he's been nasty to you. And he currently doesn't have a lot of ammo to be a jerk to you (yet he's done it anyway). If and when he does get some ammo, well, he's going to behave even worse, I suspect. Or do you feel that you would deserve to be ill-treated?

I agree you won't find anyone without problems. No one is suggesting that there's some perfection out there that you're missing out on. Rather, it's that these are rather clear flags and you can, I can tell you, there are a lot of people out there who don't have this particular species of baggage.

And you do not have to fix this guy, or try to. You're in therapy, and he won't go, right? So you have done your part. This guy doesn't think he's wrong, and he's not going to take too kindly to suggestions for personal growth when he thinks he doesn't have a problem.

Plus - even if he did - that's a crappy dynamic to get into, where he is damaged and you continually offer fixes. That's not a partnership; it's a reclamation project.

How do you cope?

Here are your choices, so far as I can tell (your mileage may vary).

1) Do nothing. But that doesn't do anything for you, eh? Do you just let him act like a jerk to you, and to his mother? Do you hope he'll grow out of it? You're here asking about how to fix the status quo ante. You have been together for a couple of years and, by your own admission, you are at the end of your tether. Think you'll feel any better if you sit and stew for another two years without saying or doing anything?
2) Point out the error of his ways. If you stay together, you may find yourself being labeled as a nag (after all, he does not see anything wrong with what he's doing).
3) Drag his ass to therapy. I get the feeling he's not going to like this option.
4) Cut off all ties with his family and yes him to death. I bet he'd enjoy this option. But where does that leave you?
5) Leave.

There are probably other options but no matter what, they all take some time. Do you have a lot to spare on this guy? And one more thing - most of these options do nothing for you. You are a part of this relationship, yes? All of this is about him, coping with him, fixing him, walking on eggshells around him, perhaps. This is not one tiny rotten strawberry in a big bowl of luscious fruit; this is maybe a half a ripe strawberry for you in a big bowl of fruit that is for somebody else to eat. Perhaps you feel you are being unselfish for giving all of this up for him, but I can tell you, you're setting yourself up for resentment if you do.

Life does not have to be this way.
Justcreepitreal
 
  0  
Reply Sun 10 Feb, 2013 07:02 pm
@PUNKEY,
Thanks! I will I'm going to have him try counseling to help redirect that blame & figure out why he feels he has to prove himself to everyone...
As for me yes, I'm dealing with that every appointment. It's ongoing I know that, but I think it's good.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Sun 10 Feb, 2013 07:42 pm
@Justcreepitreal,
Justcreepitreal wrote:
I'm trying to hold together a messed up family for the sake of normalcy.


stop right there.

This is not your job.

This is a family that has issues - you are not their counsellor. In particular, the man in that family has issues.

You are choosing to be in a relationship with what appears to be a very complicated man with a number of problems he needs to sort out. He is probably not in a good place to be in a relationship with an adult woman.

Keep on attending your own counselling - don't put too much energy or money into anything with this man.

When he attends to his own emotional health, he may be ready to be a good partner for someone.

Good luck.
Justcreepitreal
 
  1  
Reply Sun 10 Feb, 2013 09:14 pm
@jespah,
Thanks again. Those are truly my only options & I am not interested in in any of them lol... It sucks. I look at it this way though, (@ehbeth) - he's 28, I'm 22. As far as I'm concerned, he has more to lose in this than I do. I know he's still young but he's expressed that he wants to have a family in the next couple of years. I'm pretty set for now.. I could make a living off my career as it is already. But I work, see my friends, go out, & also do domestic things. I have nothing to lose for trying... & it's pretty effortless for me. That's the main reason I don't mind his mother... "How can you listen to her talk?!" "It's effortless." It's effortless for me to be compassionate & nice... It doesn't bother me.
0 Replies
 
Justcreepitreal
 
  1  
Reply Sun 10 Feb, 2013 09:17 pm
@ehBeth,
Thanks. Maybe I can try living on my own for awhile. I seriously care for him but he doesn't seem to get the message... Maybe he would if I gave myself time alone
0 Replies
 
hawkeye10
 
  2  
Reply Mon 11 Feb, 2013 01:25 am
i have not heard you say to bf "you WILL NOT treat me this way". you are a wreck because you have been a door mat where it is not appropriate.
Justcreepitreal
 
  1  
Reply Mon 11 Feb, 2013 11:14 am
@hawkeye10,
Actually I have.. I didn't give full disclosure but I have above & beyond expressed my feelings. I have made an effort to express that it is not acceptable WITHOUT losing my cool - I don't scream or yell. I don't find it to be effective & I'm not into causing more chaos...
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Mon 11 Feb, 2013 12:40 pm
Sorry, but you are the typical co-dependent: rushes in to defend and rationalize the behavior of someone else's bad behavior.

WHY do YOU stay with a man who views women that way - YOU included??
Is it sex, money, feel sorry for him? geez, get a puppy.

Know that he will NOT change for you. His behavior is TOO ingrained, believe me. He is not in touch with himself, so he is resistant to change. He has no idea what you are talking about. He is childish and bordering on becoming violent with you.

Either you live with this and wear yourself out with trying to cope with this behavior or cut it loose now and find someone who respects women.

He will sap you - emotionally, spiritually and physically, believe me.
You will turn around in 10 years and be angry with yourself for all the years wasted.

Just warning ya --- been there, done that.
hawkeye10
 
  2  
Reply Mon 11 Feb, 2013 01:58 pm
@PUNKEY,
Why so negative? Once GF makes it clear that there are limits to the abuse that she will take he may well decide to stay with in those limits. But ya, "I will not stand up for myself because I want to be nice" is a road to ruin.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 11 Feb, 2013 02:02 pm
@hawkeye10,
agreed
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  3  
Reply Mon 11 Feb, 2013 02:28 pm
@Justcreepitreal,
My only concern is if he hates his Mother, because his Father left, blames his Mother and I suspect, thinks it's because she was "useless" things he heard as a child, he will resent all women, not just her.

You say that he says she is nothing.. Does no good.

Quote:
She volunteers with elderly Alzheimer's patients
She works, a secretary needs brains and she has a heart and does good for the Community, for elderly.. Go her.

There are always two sides to every story. If she pops pain killers on occasions, she is either injured or (as she is emotionally abused by her son) injured, in a non physical sense.

Who is to say his Father was not like him..

The bottom line is. You can't change anyone unless they want to change. You belong to yourself, no one has the right to own you.. If you wish to speak to her do and simply tell him, whilst you respect him, she has done nothing wrong by you, you are old enough and mature enough to make your own judgement, management calls.

The moment you allow him to control you, you become his Mother.
Mame
 
  3  
Reply Mon 11 Feb, 2013 05:18 pm
Question to OP:

What would you do if a girlfriend was acting this way?

What would you tell a girlfriend who told you this story?

Bottom line, the man has a lot of problems, and they are bigger than the sum of how nice he CAN be. He's irrational. He's dismissive. He's controlling. He's unfair.

Why are you staying with someone who has such evident disregard for (some) others?

You will never change him; psychiatrists and psychologists often can't help some people. He is what he is and he seems content with that.

What you do for you is up to you.
Justcreepitreal
 
  0  
Reply Mon 11 Feb, 2013 07:54 pm
@hawkeye10,
Oh wow. Funny how people love to start 'e-****.' I never asked for you to casually & sarcastically take low blows at my character based on a question. I go through **** at work that would make you want to gouge your eyes out. I'm more dark & resilient & have more pride than you assume. Basically, because I'm not a nagging bitch or a rage filled person means that I'm the typical battered woman. My dear I take blood pressure meds that curb the crazy out. I've seen battered women. But I'm not the all American feminist bra burning **** you if you ain't picture perfect woman. I don't sit around all day & carry around tampons & Bon bons. And I recognize that people are ultra-sensitive, easily offended & emotionally on the edge nowadays.... Which is sissy ****. No offense but due to your quickness to make assumptions & cast judgement on a 22 year old... I'm going to assume your 40-50, bitter & crotchety based on your ignorant spit towards me. Perhaps you've been burned in the past & there weren't resources available to you for life improvement. Sorry that I don't file lawsuits because McDonald's burned me with coffee. Or over analyze minor difficulties in my life. Like seriously? Get over yourself.
0 Replies
 
Justcreepitreal
 
  1  
Reply Mon 11 Feb, 2013 08:02 pm
@Mame,
Thanks Mame
I would probably tell her to forget it. But keeping it real, it's hard when you're involved with someone you love, who has a problem. Contrary to popular belief, apparently, he's sincerely not like this in any other aspect. Just in dealing with his mother. I would probably tell that friend, on the other hand, stop bring dramatic.. I mean I would have no reason to stay with him even if he was abusive. I'm young I'm smart I work my ass off I'm pretty & I have a lot to offer. People need to stop making emergencies out of paper cuts. And I mean that literally, Harvey
0 Replies
 
Justcreepitreal
 
  1  
Reply Mon 11 Feb, 2013 08:06 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
Thanks I have spoken to her. I talk to her every time she calls me regardless if he's present or not. I've accomplished a lot in life by going my own route. My friends are living with their parents because they just graduated college last summer & can't find jobs; I have my own house & a career.
0 Replies
 
 

Related Topics

 
  1. Forums
  2. » My boyfriend resents his mother; hates all contact I have with her
Copyright © 2020 MadLab, LLC :: Terms of Service :: Privacy Policy :: Page generated in 0.05 seconds on 08/11/2020 at 01:25:22