Very confused....

I think you're hitting enter and losing the remainder of your post (are you posting by phone, perchance?).

Anyway, even without the completed post - sexting - egad.

I think you're bored at home. And this guy gives you a jolt that's been missing. But it's a good thing that he didn't come over physically. Because then what?

Seriously. Do you want to go through a divorce? Do you want your kids to eventually find out (and they will; the question is how old they'll be when they do) that you had an affair?

I think you need counseling and I think you need a job. You're not being intellectually stimulated, and it's killing you. You're dying for adult conversation but then it veered off into REALLY adult conversation.

Anyway, seek out counseling, to determine whether you can fix your marriage. Bring your husband if he'll go along. If not, go alone, and get some coping tools for the changes in your life, and maybe some perspective on just what an affair is likely to do to your home life.

I think this is called mindf**king.

It's a hard addiction to stop since it's so exciting.

(He didn't show so that tells you have can only play with your mind, not your body. He has this fun in its place. It's not going to go any further.0

End this so it doesn't drive YOU crazy.

Now . . . what's going on at home . . . .??

Yes, I did post too soon. Here is the whole thing.....
About 8 weeks ago I started an emotional affair with a platonic friend I had known for close to 15 years. 10 years ago I moved o/seas and lost contact with a lot of people. When I left I was in a relationship and FWD all this time we are now married with 2 kids. Our marriage has its ups and downs, a lot of the romance has gone although not completely, I am currently a SAHM which I am still getting used to as I had a career before my twins were born. I do not struggle with my role as a mother - it's being a wife where I seem to be failing.
This OM and I exchanged numbers and I forgot all about it. I was on the train one night with my kids and he was traveling the same route as me and we got chatting. A few hours later I got an SMS that said 'I fancy you' and that was all. I giggled at it as I always knew he had a soft spot for me but we are both now married. I responded with 'you're more than 10 years too late' and we then began sparring away. It was harmless fun until he took it to the next level and our texts became sexts. Having never done anything like that before it became quite exciting. We talked about meeting up and getting physical but never went through with it. Earlier this month we had about 3 days where we didn't communicate then it started again. General chit chat then sext after sext. We arranged to hook up - he didn't show. Deep down I was relieved as it was one thing being brave via phone the reality was different. Our chat become so steamy on Monday that we did hook up. It wasn't like any of our communications and left me feeling disgusted, remorseful, guilty and sad. We sat and chatted and agreed that we weren't cut out for having an affair - me because I do love my husband and family but his excuse was it's better to stop it now before it escalates. We spoke briefly that night and then nothing for 24 hours when we agreed to forget the whole thing happened. Thing is I can't forget it - I broke my marriage vows and allowed another man inside me. I really hate myself right now. I know I am going to miss the thrill of the secret SMS's but my relationship is worth more. He's leaving the country next week and I have a suspicion that once he has been away from his wife and kids he'll try and start up the comms again. I know I have to be strong and will go with NC no matter what. Now my dilema is whether or not to come clean and tell my husband or get some therapy and try and deal with it. I know that I will never put myself in this position again. I guess deep down I feel a little sad about it ending but the loss of my family is a greater fear. How can I have been so stupid??


URL: http://able2know.org/topic/207311-1

Yes, losing your family would be SO much more devastating than losing this guy.

You need to keep reminding yourself that.

As I asked before, what's going on at home that makes you so vulnerable?

I was a career woman before I had my babies and I've been a SAHM for almost 3 years now. We moved to be closer to family and its a disaster. My husband works long hours, is married to his job and is a very complex man. These are not excuses for what I did - merely a catalyst. My husband is a very affectionate man but is a manipulator. He is very moody, sulks, takes the opposite point of view from me when we are in company but I do love him. He's a very hands on dad but emotionally could do a lot better. About 6 years ago we went to couples counseling and he was told that I was at breaking point as I was juggling my very demanding role plus running our home with little input. His family are very dominating and have never accepted me. Eventually I did break and ended up on anti depressants. This all happened on his 40th birthday and rather than being supportive he told me it would go down as his worst birthday ever. FWD to now and we are back in my home town, I hate it here - that's why I left all those years ago, I'm alone a huge part of the day with my kids - I guess it was bound to happen. No matter what else has gone on before I love my husband but I cannot understand why I am mourning something so short with the OM. Maybe it was a self esteem issue.... I don't know. When the OP comes back from his o/seas contract we will be living one street away from one another and our kids will go to the same nursery. Our paths will cross at some point. This man and my husband know one another and get on well but are not buddies. What a freaking mess!!!!!!!!


URL: http://able2know.org/topic/207311-1

your bored with what u do everyday it was a distraction he gave u something to make u smile about im a mum of 4 they are grown now but ive done silly things i had a 2year affair and i still miss him but we dont talk now cut all contact it was a thrill thats all whatever u do dont act on it it will cause heartache good luck.

Sounds like you feel pursued by this fellow. Since your husband is so busy with his career it has to make you feel unnecessary at times. Because he is a manipulator (as you said) he probably thinks your depressive episode was to manipulate him. Being pursued and needed by someone is thrilling. Especially when you don't feel of value to your family. You were indeed vulnerable and still are.

You must find value in your identity. Your identity is not first and formost wife, or even mother or daughter. It is what makes you who you are and what makes you complete as a person. I am not big on loving myself over others...but I do need to respect myself and that respect comes from knowing what I believe and adhering to it regardless of what others think or say. Start thinking about what you believe about life...spiritually, physically and emotionally. Work on building those beliefs by loving your family well, by eschewing temporary solutions to a problem of self worth. This emotional and physical affair can only complicate your life. Flee it. Seriously.

The decision to tell or not to tell is difficult. Any advice you get could lead you into better or possibly a much worse situation. I think you need to ask yourself what you can live with. Consider well all you have done and what you want for yourself and your children and husband. They will always be a part of your life. You are no longer by yourself in your decision.

Consider well and think through the events - and the outcomes of each scenario. There is no way to predict the outcome of anything. But being prepared to answer why, what, how and accepting that consequences are inevitable to any action - and the consequences can be painful and heartbreaking - but it is a good place to start. Then pursue the course you have decided is true to you.

Thank you. Most people want to crucify me but I think I need to sort me out and break all contact with the OP.

Thank you I think I need to have a meeting with myself and sort all this out.

I do understand your feeling guilty. That is tough. There were reasons for your actions and as you say - you can't excuse them - but you do have to forgive yourself and move on. I hope you find a way to relieve yourself of this burden and find peace with it all. And I hope it happens as simply and painlessly as possible - still - even if it does not happen simply or painlessly - the important thing is being secure in who you are. If you are sure about where you stand, then you are less likely to fall into this situation again.

I talk to myself ALL the time. internally anyway.

I have been with my H for over 14 years and we've been through some pretty tough times and I've never ever strayed so I am really at a loss trying to figure this out. Why now and why this OM that I have been friends with for so long. He briefly dated 2 close friends about 15 or 16 years ago (maybe longer) and that's how I know him - we stayed friends long after the relationships died out. I have been o/seas for a very long time so to hook up now is baffling. I am beating myself up while he is actually just as much to blame as he was the one that made all the moves and then pushed for us to hook up. I wasn't looking for that..... Then after he gets what he wants he decides he can't cheat on his wife and wants to stop it before it escalates. I don't know what the hell I was thinking..... And I mean that in an all round sense. I never envisaged riding off into the sunset, leaving our partners.... I just don't know what came over me. I'm now kinda worried about my self esteem that I allowed myself to be used. I am normally a fiery assertive chick but I have left myself down in every aspect.

You have lost sight of who you are. You have probably done like I have for so long and gave over on things you cared for to serve your family. There is nothing wrong with that. There does come a point if you do it too much, you will get lost. Make sure you think about what you love to do. Then proceed to make time to do it. It can only help your kids to see you enjoying married life and not becoming a run down beaten person because you forget why you do what you do. You still make time for your family but find something that makes you happy - painting, sewing, writing - whatever - and DO it.

Sounds like your pride was hurt by this other fellow as well. Don't let it smart. You were vulnerable. He took advantage. Be thankful he doesn't want to pursue anything. If he starts it back up, ignore him....unless you are willing to break up your family and his.

Do you have a girlfriend you admire that you can confide in? Someone you feel you can trust and think out loud with?

I have two girls that are like sisters to me. They have helped me tremendously. I have shown them my ugly side and they have loved me through it all. I found that it helped me when things went sideways at times.

I pray you find peace. Best wishes to you and your family.

You know I don't know know i am right now & I have no idea what I was thinking or doing. As a mum to two young babies I don't have the time somedays to wash my hair let alone have an affair. I know I couldn't weave a web of lies and my H would see right through me as I am very dedicated to my family. I have been going over in my head why I did what I did and I think it was a self esteem issue as a SAHM who has had a complete life change and piled on the lbs! I lived a very carefree existence before my family and this OM was someone I used to party with years ago. Maybe it was my trying to prove that I am a responsible person now. I'm just so confused and feel so alone as I don't think I can confide to anyone close to me. My husband is a very popular man and people respect him. I just don't know what to do or when I will stop feeling like this.

One day at a time. You are more than worthy of your husband and children. You are valuable and precious...

Quit obsessing over the "event" if you can.

I have things that help me. I will be glad to PM you if you would like. I do not mind reading along when you feel you need to unburden yourself.

Missy

Thank you. That would be greatly appreciated

Thank you