Wed 30 Jan, 2013 09:57 pm
i was only 22 yrs when i met my husband.
. we both are on the goodlooking side of the scale.
so i got married to him 4 yrs ago. his family was very very bad with me. they illtreated my parents IN THE WEDDING. actually they had demanded dowry and all, but i put my foot down. my husband also took stand and he almost went against his parents to marry me. so obviously my inlaws had to take revenge in the marrige ceremony by insulting, taunting and sneering at me and my parents at marriage. i was so ashamed. my husband totaly supported me and opposed his parents.
but slowly i slipped in depression. i caught tuberculosis. i was really bed ridden. but my husband joined navy and went to his posting. at that time, even my parents were not on good terms with me because they were hurt by my inlaws and blamed me for marrying him. i was all alone, bed ridden. i was working though, kept the salary ringing.
but i gained some weight. it was not that i became whooping, just that from hourglass i went pear shaped. my thighs became heavy. from 36, my hips became 42. my waist only ncreased from 28 to 32.
then i took a transfer to a place near my husbands posting. he insisted, saying that he is earning pretty well, so does not need me to work. its a remote area, with very little facilities. my career is totally dead here, plus i am earning only 10% of what i was.
as i was sad and sick at that time, although my husband did care for me, but occasionally he used to get angry on me for not being able to do household chores, not enough sex...etc. when i was cured of tb, my husband started behaving very bad. when i wanted to wear something hot, he said things like, ...if u like wearing such clothes, u shud loose weight..... or.... dont wear this, it looks absurd.... and things like that.
then what really bothered me, whenever we were having sex, HE HAD TO COMMENT ON MY BODY ALWAYS THAT ITS ABNORMALLY OUT OF SHAPE AND ABSURD.... always! it turned me off really bad!
i felt like only thing he sees in me is my heavy thighs!
then he started really ignoring me, never gave me any gifts, stopped pampering... stopped caring... started fighting ! i remember it was 1 day before my birthday, we had a fight. he sulked, and never ever made up with me. next day it was my birthday, for the whole day... he did not come up to me.... at night, he said..."by the way happy birthday"...
then i asked myself..when was the last time we had an argument and he tried to make up? when was the last time he complemented me? i could not remember! i for sure would have put my ego aside and made up with my husband on his birthday.
because of my health, i started working out. i wanted to feel healthy again. so slowly, over last one year, i have regained my figure. back to the model like physique!
now my husband is happy. he has stopped making fun of my body, buys me cosmetics, clothes etc. but that "care" is still missing, if i ask him to do something for me, he either forgets, or is too busy to do it,... or i get a lecture that i should know how to fend for myself. it happens always! he never helps me in household chores.... nothing! he does not care if my career is dead, he just says i am earning for both of us!
but i am not happy! i want my career. why should i make all sacrifises, all compromises... why it has to be always me who runs after him begging him to leave the argument... why should i loose my career.... where is his contribution?
when i tried to confront him... he was sooooo angry with me! he said i am the kind of person who can never be happy. he called me greedy who always want more!
and he threatens me that he'll call my parents and tell them abut our problems!
i have made a lot of efforts to make things right with my parents. i have lied to them about my husband, saying so rosy things about him, which were never true. now they are happy because they think i am happy. i dont want them troubled again!
i feel so stuck! my husband though keeps saying he loves me, but i dont see it anymore. i think he only loves the great body... not the real me. had that been the case, it would not have mattered when i was out of shape.
this thing is killing me slowly and i am not happy! honestly, i am living with him out of two fears... one that i dont want my parents to know the truth... and second that my husband would react voilently. i have a dog, whom we both love, but if i argue with my husband, he starts beating my dog. i have to beg forgiveness so that he stops. he does not hit me though. i fear he'll kill my dog. please dont make fun, but i love my dog. i dont want him killed because of me!
please tell me honestly what should i do! i feel like a slow poison is killing me daily! sometimes i feel i am over reacting... sometimes i feel i am a fool because i am continuing this! what to you think? does he love me or my body only?
Tell your parents.
You are isolated from them but, truly, you are causing some of that isolation.
They are your parents. I am not saying that things will always be terrific with them but it will (a) be you admitting that you are unhappy so you don't have to feel you're living a lie anymore, (b) his threats to tell your parents will lose all credibility and (c) if you need to escape from the marriage, you will have a place to go.
I am guessing you are in India. Is that correct? I realize that things are different there versus here in the US, but you don't have to be miserable for the remainder of your days.
I agree. I would go back to your job and your parents. This is all wrong.
thanks for your replies!
no i am not indian, my parents are from greece. but i was born and brought up here, in US.
the thing with my parents is that atleast now i have them to talk to. if i tell them, they might get angry with me for lying to them. then i'll be just nowhere! this makes me so scared!
also, unfortunately my brother is also getting divorced. he and his ex-wife are in a bitter court case over the custody of their child, my neice. she was staying with my parents for the last two years, and now she has been taken away by her mom. she does not want her to have any contact with my family. so, my parents are very upset. i heard my dad talking to my mom, they thought i was sleeping, but actually i was awake. he was saying things like thank god, at least our daughter is happy.
i felt so shaken! how can i take away this happiness, this satisfaction? that made it all the more difficult!
few days ago, i had a miscarrage, i was bleeding heavily for 14 days, but my husband never called up from his job to ask if i was ok, even when he was home, i was dragging myself, doing chores. he never offered any help!
i have no freinds here. is it too much to expect that your husband calls you from office to ask if you are ok?
i sometimes feel the need to talk to someone and tell how i am feeling! but there is no one! all my earlier freinds have moved on in life. out of sight is out of mind! then i feel like dying..... but i cant kill myself!
this whole issue .... i feel as if i have a fishbone stuck in my throat.... i cant gag it out...i cant swallow it! its just unbearably there.
Can you talk to a counselor, religious leader or older female?
You need to talk to someone you feel comfortable with.
This man beats your dog to hurt you!! That's pretty sick. He is an abuser!!! Face it.
He also has a false love for you - he loves your body, but only if it is perfect.
You have been through a lot. You need to get your health back, find a new o a career and leave him before he begins to beat you, which will happen soon.
You must work up some courage to do this for yourself. AND . . . do not get pregnant!! You are not able to protect yourself, how can you take care of a child?
thats what i always fear.... getting pregnant!
having a baby means just one more thing to get blackmailed for!
i dont trust my husband, what if he starts beating the kid?
once i did gather myself and forced myself to talk to a counsllor.
she asked me- does he beat you? i said no.
she- did he sleep with someone else? i said no.
she- does he refuse to give you money? i said no!
just these three questions, and then she said, i am just thinking too much.
she said, that girls who are pretty have to always accept the fact that they'll be loved only for their physical attributes, because no man will ever be able to look beyond that. she said even if you leave him, you'll only end up with others like this.
that day, i really thought that may be.... may be being good looking is not so good for women! you get harassed by men... everyone wants to sleep with you, but no one actually wants you! you just end up a miserable lonely fool.
Yes, looks don't last.
That's why you must get yourself prepared for the future. Be sure you have a good job and keep your health.
I wonder if women like you would ever chose a man who was not good looking. You must find a man with value and character. Otherwise, he is just a pretty face and could have a shallow character. That sounds like what you have.
Please think about your future and how you can be happy.
thanks for your reply!
but honestly, out of this whole mess, i have started hating two things,
one is my own looks. it is just another burden for me. i remember in college, girls coming upto me and saying things like, i wish i had eyes like you...or hair like you... or this like you...that like you! then i used to feel happy. now, i feel angry. if i could, i would just rip off this all 'beauty' thing!
two, i dont trust love anymore. men will only put their best foot forward to make you theirs,... after you fall in the trap, this love will just vanish away. love is the biggest lie in the world!
i know that i need to get up and take reigns of my life, but after facing all this, i just dont think i have enough strength in me left now. how much can i take? even i have some limit!
i wish i could just for a while, sit back and relax a little... tired and fed up of fighting and struggling....
lucky are those who can lean on someone... who have someone to fall back on....
can i ask you something?
is it more difficult to live or more difficult to die?
i dont want to commit suicide,.... but now, when i hear someone died, in road accident, or cancer... and i see the families and freinds crying, i ask god, why did he kill that person? why not me? i actually feel that the one who died was lucky because this misery of life ended for him.
its that, i wont do something to kill myself, but if given i choice, i would be happy to die and just be over with it.
You need counseling (someone other than the person you already met with as I don't think they handled things with you too well). You need to tell them that you believe you are beginning to have what's called suicidal ideation.
And tell your parents anyway. Preface it by saying that you know they have had a lot on their plates lately, but you need to talk to them. If they get angry, then they get angry. But they should stop themselves and understand that it's better to hear the truth from you, even if it's unpleasant, than for you (and your husband) to continue indulging their fantasy of a happy life for you by lying to them. And, again, it will undercut some of his power. Right now he is holding all the cards, but I gotta say, you're handing half of them to him.
You are ISOLATED. This is a classic tactic for an abuser. As for your earlier therapist, I got questions about that - has that person never heard of psychological abuse?
Yes, your former psychologist was dismissive of your feelings - just like your husband. Some people have no tolerance of beautiful women and she may have thought you were whining.
You must be more truthful about what your husband is to anyone you seek help from. Find another female counselor.
You can tone down your looks by not being flashy, not wearing makeup if you want. But why do that?
Please make an appointment to see a counselor who specializes in depression. You are tired, lonely and not making good decisions.
Just sit him down in front of the computer and open up this page and let him read it then sit down in front of him and look him strait in the eye ...... ask him to answer it.