Help me

He also questions my loyality to me, he doesn't think I'll be faithful to him. Because I'm friendly with this one boy from England he accused me of having a cyber-romance with him. I wasn't, I am only forum buddies with him and I told him so. But I don't think he believes me. Maybe because I can't tell the difference between flirting and being friendly. I'm not sure. I'm horriblely inept at all this.

He asked me want I wanted and I said I wanted to be punished because of my wrong doing. So as my punishment he is going to ignore me for a month or longer.

Oy! I wasn't going to post because you seemed to be getting good advice from everyone else. But I get the impression you aren't really "hearing" the advice!

Where to begin. I guess the first thing I would STRONGLY suggest is, do not marry this man!!!!!!!!!! There are so many reasons not to and so many reasons why I can see this relationship heading towards a crash and burn.

By your own admission, you are "very inexperienced at relationships" and "this is the first and only one" you've ever had. Add this to the fact he is 11 years older than you and it suggests quite an extreme imbalance in life experiences between you two. Now that doesn't mean that two people with such difference in age and experience can't have a good relationship, but this isn't the only problem that exists between the two of you. Now, to continue on with the age difference, the reason why so many people would say you are too young for him or too young to commit to a marriage has to do with the fact that at 18 you have had so little life experience and so much more of life to experience. The experiences you go through in life will change the person you are today. The relationships you develop with other people will also play a role in who you develop into as a mature woman. I can speak from experience when I say that the lack of confidence you have right now will wane over the years. Eventually you will be stronger in how you deal with life. You will be able to make decisions for yourself rather than have them made for you. Who you are in 11 years time will be a different person than who you are now. This man who is 11 years older has had a lot of these life experiences. He is not going to change as much as you will in the next 11 years. As you mature and evolve, will the relationship the two of you have be able to change as well?

You mentioned how angry he was that you had lied to him about posting on another site. I can certainly understand his feelings after being lied to, but you behaved as if the bigger problem was your being online. I would have suggested you not make him a promise you knew was so difficult to keep. However, that is a moot point now.

Your insecurities are so apparent in your post. After he became angry with you, you asked him if he hated you. That statement alone is so telling of many things. It speaks about your insecurity, your immaturity (I say that not as a put down but as a description of where you are at emotionally and in your life experiences), and it speaks especially about your lack of experience in relationships. Anyone in a committed adult relationship is not going to hate their partner over one lie. And if you are engaged to this man, that is about as committed as you can get. Why would it even enter your mind to ask such a question?

Perhaps it's understandable to have a tenuous trust early in a relationship, but to accuse you in the manner he has tells me he has trust issues. I can't help think that part of why he has chosen you has to do with the fact you are so much younger and therefore (in his eyes) more malleable and easy to control. The manner in which you respond to him indicates he is right.

I just about fell over when I read this! I thought "you've GOT to be kidding me!!!" A loving healthy relationship between two adults does not place one partner at a higher level than the other! You should both be on the same level. You don't ask him to punish you!!! You make it sound like he's the parent and you're the child who needs a spanking for being bad! Puleeeze!!!! You are an adult. You don't take punishment from ANYONE other than the legal system if you break the law. And what makes this worse is the fact that by "punishing" you, he condones this sort of skewed aspect to your relationship! I couldn't get over the idea that his "punishment" is to ignore you. Okay, excuse me for this, but...what kinda crap is that?????? When a problem arises in a relationship you TALK about it with your partner. You DISCUSS it. You try to RESOLVE it through a MATURE dialogue! You don't "ignore" the other person. That is about the most childish thing I have ever heard. Don't you see this for yourself? Doesn't his whole action here indicate he isn't behaving in a mature, loving manner?? Oy!!

You've got to really start examining this relationship for what it is. It doesn't sound as though he has much respect for you if he is willing to behave in this manner - accusing you of cheating, punishing you by ignoring you for a month, and who knows what else.

Didn't you initially meet this guy online? How much face to face "real" time have you spent with him?

It's pretty heady stuff, especially for someone inexperienced like yourself who hasn't fully developed her "bullshit" radar yet, to have someone older pay attention to you. I can almost bet that it started out very romantically, with him telling you that you are special, or that he felt something special with you and all the other flowery stuff. I'm not saying he was insincere. That isn't what I'm saying at all. But saying all of this sort of thing is only one part to a full relationship.

He has to SHOW you that you mean something to him. Has he done that? And there is so much more than just the "romance" of the relationship. Do the two of you share the same interests? The same goals in life? The same desires for the type of family life you would have together? Does he share your sense of humour?

I hope you really consider my words here. Ultimately you are the one in charge of your own life and the one who makes the decisions on how your life proceeds from this point forward. But please consider my words as well as those of others who have posted in this thread. From what you've described, I honestly don't think this guy is right for you. If this doesn't work out, sure it will be a painful experience, but nothing compared to what it would be like if you married this man and realized after the fact that he isn't right for you.

On one thing the guy is right, I think - especially if you've thus far had a life of homeschooling with few social contacts, its better to go out into real life and mingle & explore there than to surf the web for contacts that feel like real - even if the latter is much easier (and even if, of course, even the latter can still yield the odd real-life friendship, as many here will testify).

But on all the other counts, based on what you've told us here, I'm with the rest - this guy doesnt exactly make a good impression. Suspicious and distrustful is bad. Trying to coerce you, rather than merely encourage / support you, into doing what he thinks is right is worse. Thats the kind of thing that would trigger some negative associations about 30-year old guys who go for 20-year old girls with little real life experience.

Keep us informed and remember to always keep your own interests at heart, the way you see them.

I'm sorry Fallen Angel, must have been a senior moment.

I still think "addiction" is used way too much to describe habits. Yes, you can be abnormally addicted to something, someone or some substance but it's a big jump from a habit to an addiction.

caprice wrote:

As you mature and evolve, will the relationship the two of you have be able to change as well?

I would hope so.

Well, he seemed to have acted more upset about the time I spent online then about my lying about it.

I know I shouldn't have made a promise I wasn't sure I could keep. I didn't realize how addicted I was.

I do have an somewhat irrational fear of having someone stop loving me.

Well he has said a few times that he has too much control over me.

Yes I do agree with you there; the punishment part and the ignoring part. I would have rather discussed the situation with him. But at the time I was very upset when I said that I guess I was thinking that he'd have a different reaction in the back of my mind then actually agreeing to punish me. I can't seem to understand why he'd pick that as a punishment, because to be that would be the worse thing you could do to a relationship.

Actaully, now it's two months. *cringe* He decided to extend the punishment for an extra month because I posted one farewell poem on my old forum (which I was a moderater on thus part of the reason I spent so much time there. I didn't think it was fair just to up and vanish without saying goodbye there in spite of his order.) Yes, it is getting ridiculous. Even I have to admit it now.

caprice wrote:

Didn't you initially meet this guy online? How much face to face "real" time have you spent with him?

Yes and quite a bit.

...and spent a lot of money to come visit me, etc... But to me that's not all that romantic and I wasn't that impressed.

Yes, that's one of the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place because he does have the same interests, goals, politics, etc...

Yes, I have considered what you've said. Thank you.

He did encourage and support me at first... but then when I messed up and posted on that forum against his wishes and then lied about doing so he got very pissed off at me.

Quote:
I am not sure. I do have an somewhat irrational fear of having someone stop loving me.

I believe that to be in a healthy relationship you've got to be confident that you are happy on your own, with yourself, otherwise your happiness is always at the mercy of your partner.