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I really messed up. See I am in love with someone and I plan to marry him (he has asked me to marry him), I would do anything for him. He asked me not to post on a certain forum anymore because I waste too much time on it, I promised I wouldn't, yet I failed to stop posting because I am quite addicted to the internet. I couldn't resist arguing one last time with my enemy on that forum. I felt so bad about making a few posts that when he asked me if I did, I lied, I didn't want to disapoint him because he said merely trying to keep my promise wasn't good enough. I got caught. He is pissed off at me for lying and rightly so. I asked him if he hates me and he says he doesn't. He said someone can't go from love to hate that easy. But I still don't know if he still loves me. I am very inexperienced at relationships as this is the first and only one I've ever had. (I am 18 (almost 19) by the way.) It's not just an online relationship (I've met and know him in real life) but he did have to go work over seas so I was talking to him online at the time, he hung up on me. He's never done that before. My question is what should I do? I have said I'm sorry. I feel so ashamed. I haven't had that much interaction with people because I was homeschooled most of my life, never went to high school. I've never had a boyfriend before. My lover is older then me, about 11 years and he's from a differnt nation and so he has a differnt culture. I know he was right about my addiction to the internet and the particular forum I was posting on (it's not this one). It's just hard for me to quite cold turkey like that. It kills me to have him disapointed in me like that, part of me wishes he'd just hate me. But it seems he doesn't. He also questions my loyality to me, he doesn't think I'll be faithful to him. Because I'm friendly with this one boy from England he accused me of having a cyber-romance with him. I wasn't, I am only forum buddies with him and I told him so. But I don't think he believes me. Maybe because I can't tell the difference between flirting and being friendly. I'm not sure. I'm horriblely inept at all this. It's times like these I wish I had gone to school and interaction with other real people instead of my books. He asked me want I wanted and I said I wanted to be punished because of my wrong doing. So as my punishment he is going to ignore me for a month or longer. He said I may feel differnently toward him because of that, but I know I won't. I wasn't lying when I said I loved him no matter what and that I would love him until the day I die.

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I would first off get rid of this relationship. This person seems to be very controlling and realizes an easy target when he sees it. Look at what you said about being punished. You are an adult and should not be punished by another, especially some one who loves you. Some one who loves you does not punish you.

I have a big suggestion for you. You seem to already know the answers for your internet "addiction". You have not had ample opportunity to socialize with real people face to face. Why don't you take some adult education classes, join a social group or volunteer. You could build up your self esteem interacting with people by forcing yourself to be involved. Then you could develop real relationships not based on the internet. Maybe some counseling would help also.

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Ok wow, thats all I have to say is wow! My question of the century: "Why do women like men that treat them like Sh!t?" This guy walks all over you and you let him for a few reasons 1: your not use to how a relationship should go! 2 you are younger therefore you feel he is always right.. I know there are others but they just dont come to mind at the present time! I agree with Linkat get rid of this guy! find your youth before its to late cause the way this guy sounds you'll be married with children by the time your 20

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Fallen Angel--

You should not have lied. Still, I agree with the previous posters.

Think about WHY you lied. This guy is several thousand miles away making rather rules about how you spend your personal time. You "love" him, but you find his rules--which may well be the rules of his culture--very restrictive.

You have been home-schooled, you are discovering the world and yourself through the internet.....and he objects to you growing and developing as a person.

He's going to punish you. Perhaps this is common in his culture, but it is not acceptable in a relationship between equals. Do you want a marriage in which you are subordinate--and he gets a green card because he marries a U.S. Citizen?

This guy is showing signs of a suspicious, controlling and slightly sadistic nature--the signs that characterize wife abusers.

One of the disadvantages of home schooling is that you've led a sheltered life--and he wants you to continue to be sheltered and confined. Is this what you want?

Would you consider "punishing" him for his bossy ways and lack of trust? I doubt it. I think you should consider ditching the little tin pot dictator.

Good luck, girl. Stand up for yourself.

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This person cannot be very mentally healthy if he has actually done the things you say he has. Or at least not mentally mature. Especially since he has consented to punish you. Get out now.

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I would liek to address the things that are weird about your story, which should be signs to you this is a bad guy. First of all, there is nothing wrong with posting on a site (whether or not you are addicted aside). It is not something he should try to control you on, it would be okay if he encouraged you to post less, if you were worried that it was an addiction, but he certainly shouldn't get mad about it. Hanging up on you is a really bad sign. It shows he gets too angry with you, and that when he does he wants to be away from you. That is dangerous in a relationship. The reason he doesn't trust you is because HE is insecure, not because you're doing anything wrong. The fact that he's eleven years older than you is distressing. If he were your same age then a certain ammount of immaturity can be expected in guys, but for someone who is thirty he is acting half his age. He has scary written all over him. I think everyone will agree with at least most of what I've said.

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First of all dear, you are not a 'fallen angel'. You are a young woman who has done nothing wrong. This guy is a jerk. Forget about him. Believe me, in 5 years, you are going to look back and say, what did I ever see in that creep.

There is nothing wrong with posting on a bulletin board. However, I agree that you need more face to face contact with other people. Take a class, start a new hobby. It's fine to log onto the internet sometimes, but it can be seductive. It's also not healthy for anyone of any age to be alone so much of the time.

I wish you all the best. And please, get yourself another username. Something sweet and positive.

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Great advice above. You have described a man who is afraid that if you interact with others, you will find someone better than a loser who picks on teenagers instead of people in his own peer group. He is right... you will. And, you should. Lose the loser.

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Bill is right Angel. A man who needs to control his woman will always choose a woman who is several years younger then he is. They do this because younger women haven't had the life experience it takes to develop good self-confidence.

He isn't your lover Angel. A man who truly loved you would give you respect and encourage you to learn and grow. This guy obviously doesn't know the meaning of the word respect. He is simply using you for his own ego and pleasure.

And if I may be so bold to say this Angel.....please don't sleep with him again. Sex with him will continue making you emotionally dependent on him and you face the risk of becoming pregnant. Having a child with this guy will cause you heartache and problems for years to come for both you and your child.

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This situation reminds me of one I happened to catch on Dr. Phil a few weeks ago.

The couple had never met and yet they got engaged, exchanged photos, rings and gifts. They would sometimes talk on the phone, when HE could arrange it. Five years later, they are still emailing and have attempted to get together a number of times but something always happens that he can't show up!

He sounded like the perfect catch....career man, money, homes, cars and sweet and caring.

This young woman was putting her life on hold and felt she loved this guy and it was all just fateful things that kept them from actually meeting.

Her parents wanted Dr. Phil to straighten her out. What he did was hire a private investigator who found out the guy she was involved with was married, had small children, lived in a trailer, had given a false last name and false place of employment, among other things.

This reminds me of this situation because it's another young woman who is on a string for some guy who is making all the rules and taking up HER life!!

If this guy is worth it, he will allow YOU to be YOU and won't treat you like a doormat! He sounds like a loser to me. Be glad you haven't wasted five years like the woman on Dr. Phil!

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Fallen Angel--

I hope we haven't frightened you away? Or that your bossy boyfriend hasn't forbidden you to participate in a discussion?

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Noddy24 wrote:

Fallen Angel--

I hope we haven't frightened you away? Or that your bossy boyfriend hasn't forbidden you to participate in a discussion?

No, I'm still here. Y'all haven't frightened me away. I've just been very depressed and upset the last few days.

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Camille wrote:

This situation reminds me of one I happened to catch on Dr. Phil a few weeks ago.

The couple had never met and yet they got engaged, exchanged photos, rings and gifts. They would sometimes talk on the phone, when HE could arrange it. Five years later, they are still emailing and have attempted to get together a number of times but something always happens that he can't show up!

He sounded like the perfect catch....career man, money, homes, cars and sweet and caring.

This young woman was putting her life on hold and felt she loved this guy and it was all just fateful things that kept them from actually meeting.

Her parents wanted Dr. Phil to straighten her out. What he did was hire a private investigator who found out the guy she was involved with was married, had small children, lived in a trailer, had given a false last name and false place of employment, among other things.

This reminds me of this situation because it's another young woman who is on a string for some guy who is making all the rules and taking up HER life!!

If this guy is worth it, he will allow YOU to be YOU and won't treat you like a doormat! He sounds like a loser to me. Be glad you haven't wasted five years like the woman on Dr. Phil!

But there's a big difference between my situation and the one you saw on Dr. Phil. As I said it isn't an internet relationship, just that I was talking to him online at the time because he is currently in another country working. Also he doesn't make all the rules for me, for the most part he encourages me to be myself and hasn't given me any rules before. I think he just thought he was doing a good thing trying to break my addiction to the internet that way. Of course after that whole incident I just wanted to spend more time online. Kind of like when you tell a smoker that they must quit smoking right now they'll want to go smoke. I don't think he's ever been addicted to anything. Also Camille, I do know that he hasn't lied to me about his name and such. I've been with him for a year now. I don't think he's a loser just got very mad at me for lying to him.

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Fallen Angel wrote:

No, I'm still here. Y'all haven't frightened me away. I've just been very depressed and upset the last few days.

Don't be sad.

Trust is one of the basics any good relationship needs. No, you should not have lied but you did and you can't change that.

Sounds like this guy is far away and feels threatened by your friendships online possibly replacing him. Some people are insecure about their significant other having friends of the opposite sex. If you've never given him any other reason to distrust you, apologize for lying, explain why you did it, and either promise not to do it again and stick to it, or tell him you can't promise you won't do it again and why you enjoy your online activities. Maybe you're bored and miss him and it fills the hours while he's away! Would he rather you were at home on the PC with friends or seeing somebody else in real life?

Don't change who you are, just be honest about who you are.

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Fallen Angel--

We're probably all older than you are and we're certainly very generous with our good advice. Mark, read, learn and inwardly digest--then make your choices for your life.

A poem from Dorothy Parker which pretty much sums up the generation gap:

In youth it was a way I had
To do my best to please,
And change with every passing lad
To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know
And do the thinks I do,
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you.

You are young. Gather your rosebuds (but 'ware of thorns).

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Fallen Angel........what's with you saying, "I need to be punished".....????

Stop that!
You're just begging to be abused, girl.
Your guy should've laughed.
The fact that he didn't, makes him be a truly dangerous superfreak you don't want to be with, so end it and get out while you still can.

Now.

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Fallen Angel wrote:

But there's a big difference between my situation and the one you saw on Dr. Phil. As I said it isn't an internet relationship, just that I was talking to him online at the time because he is currently in another country working. Also he doesn't make all the rules for me, for the most part he encourages me to be myself and hasn't given me any rules before. I think he just thought he was doing a good thing trying to break my addiction to the internet that way. Of course after that whole incident I just wanted to spend more time online. Kind of like when you tell a smoker that they must quit smoking right now they'll want to go smoke. I don't think he's ever been addicted to anything. Also Camille, I do know that he hasn't lied to me about his name and such. I've been with him for a year now. I don't think he's a loser just got very mad at me for lying to him.

ok, I stand corrected that you actually met him and know for sure who he is and where he lives, but what I see up here in this response is a lot of excuses for him. If you want to defend him, then why are you here asking people what to do? Your response sort of says you already decided what to do, to be subserviant to him.

I have a hard time with the comparison of addiction to smoking and the internet. The internet is a choice that you can walk away from at any time if you choose to. It's called discipline. Nicotine addiction is not quite so easy to break since it is a need for a substance.

I don't know Fallen Angel. From what you've said, you sound very inexperienced and immature in the area of relationships. You can consider what people say, or go ahead and do things your way.

To be nobody but yourself,
in a world which is doing its best,
night and day,
to make you everybody else,
means to fight the hardest battle
that any human being can fight -
and never stop fighting.

- E.E. Cummings

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You can't capitalize e e cummings. It's just wrong.
Also there are plenty of addictions which do not involve substance. You should rely on those who have actually HAD such addictions, instead of making speculations. Part of any addiction involves a loss of dicipline, or control.

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Camille wrote:

I have a hard time with the comparison of addiction to smoking and the internet. The internet is a choice that you can walk away from at any time if you choose to. It's called discipline. Nicotine addiction is not quite so easy to break since it is a need for a substance.

I think that a person can become psychologically addicted to the internet. And, that addiction, can be every bit as powerful as a physcial addiction - ie; smoking, drugs alcohol etc.

While breaking a physcially addicting habit can be difficult, there are nicotine patches, methedone, antabuse drugs to help a person cope with the negaive effects of 'coming off' the substance they were addicted to. Psychological addictions are much more difficult to break, IMO, because there is nothing you can buy that will help relieve the withdraw symptoms. Hence, the addicted person must be disciplined and have a strong will power in order to 'cure' themselves of their internet addiction.

I know of a woman who is so addicted to a particuliar internet bulletin board, that she neglects her four children; one who is a cancer survivor, one is autistic and the other was sexually molested. These children range in age from 8 to 15. She posts from 7 a.m. till almost midnight seven days a week. These past few months her husband has begun to post too. Her children and her home are suffering neglect terribly. I suppose her husband decided to join the board because he couldn't get her to stop her compulsive posting so he decided to join her.

I know of marriages that broke up because a spouse met someone new online, became involved with that person, divorced their spouse, left their children and jobs, and moved several states away to marry/live with their cyber love connection. The internet is just as addicting as anything else and something we are going to hear more and more about in the future.

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Some marriages are very very claustrophobic and people who venture on line often get for the first time a very widened sense of how many other people think, and gain a sense of themselves in the larger world. Sometimes they are apt to be ready victims to some unscrupulous scum, but other times real friendship and perhaps real love will come of the online connection.
I wouldn't be too quick to call these online connections terrible.

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