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Need help with my Mother-in-law!!!

 
 
NCK27
 
Reply Sun 6 Jan, 2013 06:10 am
I don't know if anyone else has a problem like this but some help would be appreciated.

My husband and I live with my parents-in-law and since our daughter was born, my relationship with them has been very strained. My daughter is now 14 months old and is not walking yet. I have been stressing about it and have been up on it and I cannot force her to walk.

My mother-in-law will make comments like how she was walking at 9 months and both her boys were walking by the time they were a year old. She'll say things like her boys didn't turn out badly so she must have done something right.

I often get the feeling that I'm being blamed that our daughter isn't walking yet. In their opinion it means she's not developing fast enough and because all the other kids in the family walk when their about a year old, my daughter isn't as smart as the other kids are.

I'm starting to feel like an inadequate and bad mom. I'm a working mother and strive to give my daughter the best but it never seems good enough. This is just one of many examples of what my mom-in-law says about my parenting skills but she will never say anything to me directly. Its alwaasy a general, snide comment.

Please, I need some help with this. I'm staring to feel like there's somethinh wrong me!!!

Thank you for your comments in advance.
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Type: Question • Score: 7 • Views: 3,043 • Replies: 15

 
jcboy
 
  4  
Reply Sun 6 Jan, 2013 07:04 am
@NCK27,
Your mother in law sounds like Marie from the TV show Everybody Loves Raymond. Are you two still living with them for financial reasons? If not I’d start looking for your own place. You say you’re a working mom, if living there is straining your relationship I say its time to get out of her house.

If you can’t afford to at this time then maybe you can sit her down and have a talk, tell her just what you have told us. You’re the child’s mother she’s not.
0 Replies
 
djjd62
 
  3  
Reply Sun 6 Jan, 2013 07:09 am
@NCK27,
may i suggest a very helpful instructional video

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/8/89/Throwmommafromthetrain.jpg
jcboy
 
  2  
Reply Sun 6 Jan, 2013 07:11 am
@djjd62,
Razz

HA! I love that movie!
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  4  
Reply Sun 6 Jan, 2013 07:42 am
Everybody develops at different rates. Some babies get their teeth early (my son started getting his at 5 months) while others get them later (my daughter started getting hers at 11.5 months)... same with walking, talking, etc.

There's nothing wrong with your daughter not walking, unless, of course, there IS something wrong, but if your doctor thinks she's okay, she probably is. My son refused to crawl - he just liked to lounge and stand around hanging onto coffee tables and furniture Smile And then one day, he started walking and he was over a year.

If you can't move out, I suggest you tune your MIL out and read up on child development, either online or through books at the library. Maybe attend some mom and tot things on the weekends and get to know some other moms of young kids. You'd be amazed at the wonderful friendships you make, and the support you can get from other moms. Some of them may be experiencing the same things you are. If you really are concerned, though, ask your family doctor about this.

And don't let her get to you. She is what she is and you're never going to change that. All you can change is your attitude, so try not to care. Like as not, if she didn't pick on this, she'd find something else. Think about whether she's like this as a rule or is she just picking on your child.

When kids are 20, nobody remembers or cares when they began to walk and talk, etc. but they all managed to do it. It all works out in the end.

Good luck, and keep us posted.
NCK27
 
  2  
Reply Sun 6 Jan, 2013 08:06 am
Thank you for your replies. A bit of background on my relationship with mu parents-in-law: They always wanted a little girl but had 2 healthy boys. When they found out my husband and I were having a girl everything changed and when our daughter was born I was made to feel like I gave them the daughter they never had. I caught my MIL telling my daughter that she's her mom when she didn't know I was close enough to her.

They make me feel like a bad parent when I check on her safety and my MIL will say things like she wouldn't let her go somewhere if she didn't know it was safe.

Financially we can't afford to move out at this stage and we have had a good report from our doctor where our daughters development is concerned. They know what the doctor says but still go out their way to make me feel like I'm not doing enough to help her develop.

We have spoken and it doesn't help. She doesn't want to hear my point of view and also bad-mouths me by her family. I have never had the opportunity to tell my story.
Ragman
 
  3  
Reply Sun 6 Jan, 2013 08:26 am
@Mame,
This reminds me of a story that occured to this family I knew.

Fred, as a baby developed normally; however, he never spoke. He didn't talk at all - not at 12 months...not at 24 months ... not even at 4 years of age or later. From the beginning of this family's awareness that there could be a problem, Fred was examined and tested. The doctors concluded their testing and told Fred's family there was nothing medically wrong.

This non-talking continued and basically the family just lived with it and accepted Fred's condition.

One day, while the family was at the dinner table as 12-yr-old Fred was eating, Fred spit out a mouthfull of food and exclaimed, "This food is horrible!"

The parents all gasped and exclaimed, "Fred! My God! You can speak! You spoke to us! What a miracle! But why after all of these years haven't you spoken before?"

Fred matter-of-factly replied, "The food's been pretty good up 'til now."
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Sun 6 Jan, 2013 09:13 am
@NCK27,
Your MIL sounds like a delight.

Not.

Okay, so anything with child development, feel free to cite the pediatrician.

MIL: Susie's not walking yet! Quelle horreur!
You: Dr. Sanchez said it's totally normal for kids to not walk at her age. He checked her over last month and said her legs, ankles and joints are fine, and she's developing beautifully in every way. He said she's a smart baby, and is a great patient. So I wouldn't worry about it.

Kinda hard for her to claim that the doctor doesn't know WTF he's talking about, eh?

As for the rest of it, claiming she's your daughter's mother, good lord, how annoying oppressive. What does your husband say in all of this? You need his support here, so tell him.

You: Your mother claimed she was Susie's mother again. I'm afraid Susie's going to get confused by this unnecessarily.
Your husband: I'll have a talk with her.
----
Your husband: Mom, what are you doing, telling Susie you're her mother for? You're only confusing her.
MIL: But she's like the daughter I never had!
Your husband: But it's not good for Susie for you to do that. Now, you don't want to do anything where Susie would get upset or confused, right?

Etc. etc. lather, rinse, repeat as necessary.

In the meantime, save your pennies and look for a cheap place to live. You don't have to worry about school districts yet, so an apartment could work. And Mame's idea of a support group for young mothers is an excellent one. I think you need a peer group of people who can also reinforce that things are perfectly normal - and that in-law relationships can sometimes be trying ones.

Hang in there.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  3  
Reply Sun 6 Jan, 2013 09:21 am
@NCK27,
My mother also claimed my first daughter as her 8th daughter. She was a lot like your MIL so I moved out of the city! It was the healthiest thing I could do for us.

You really need to talk to your MIL or your husband about these things or just assert yourself more. Ignore her complaints and criticisms. It's easy to do if you have confidence and don't agree with or care about her opinions. You know you're right. Just say, "Uh huhhhhhh" and leave it at that Smile

Some people just feel they have to manage other peoples' lives; just don't let her do it to yours.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  4  
Reply Sun 6 Jan, 2013 09:28 am
Where is your HUSBAND in all this??

Your MIL is bullying you, and your husband needs to tell her to step back.

PS - usually when a grandparent is "over involved" with grandchildren, it means they don't have such a great marriage. Just when they should be traveling and re-connecting, she is turning and living vicariously thru you and your mothering experience.

This is only going to get worse, so do as much as you can to get your own place.
0 Replies
 
myheartbreaks4them
 
  1  
Reply Mon 16 Sep, 2013 10:16 am
@NCK27,
Just smile at your MIL when she makes snide remarks. She will most likely realize her remarks are not affecting you and will stop. (hopefully). Also, I am not sure why you do not have your own housing. If it is because you fear you cannot do it financially, there are programs that will help you. You may want to look into some of these programs. As far as your daughter is concerned, I agree with others, if your doctor says everything is fine, she probably is. You could get a second opinion. Kids develop differently. Take care and keep us posted.
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Mon 16 Sep, 2013 10:33 am
@myheartbreaks4them,
In the future you might want to consider checking date stamps of original posters when you reply. You've replied to several OLD threads but those members have left the site or inactive. This one is over 9 months old and the OP is gone.
myheartbreaks4them
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 Sep, 2013 09:10 am
@Ragman,
Thank you. I am new here and still getting the hang of it :-)
nomibucha100
 
  -1  
Reply Wed 18 Sep, 2013 04:07 am
@myheartbreaks4them,
you have to pay no response on her
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Wed 18 Sep, 2013 08:45 am
@nomibucha100,
whatever THAT means
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Wed 18 Sep, 2013 08:52 am
@Mame,
Quote:
you have to pay no response on her


Let me see if I can translate:

You should pay no attention to her.

There ... that wasn't so hard.
0 Replies
 
 

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