My wife's ex-husband is coming to visit us.

Make a reservation for him at a hotel and reserve a rental car so he can drive back and forth to your house.

Why does he need to sleep in the same house as you two?

Thanks Butrflynet: He is coming up here to see the kids and for that reason only. Even I have no problem with him staying at our house and the kids have 24 hour access to him in the environment they are comfortable in: their own. To me, the problem is with him being their at night when I'm not. I trust that nothing would happen on her end. My wife and I love each other very much. I just think that situations like this should be avoided, especially when something makes the other spouse uncomfortable. I know I would never put myself in a situation where there could ever even be the slightest doubt. And, I say this knowing my wife trusts me completely. But, I also respect my wife and I respect my marriage. Certain situations should be avoided. Allowing your ex-husband to sleep in your house and expect the husband to go off to work in the middle of the night when he doesn't have too is one of those situations. My question is this: is it unreasonable of me to want to be there when he is there, especially in the middle of the night. I feel she should be sensitive to my feelings about this and I would hope she would want me there to avoid one of those situations.

why not hand her a chastity belt?

You either trust her or you don't.

I just think the situation is in-appropriate. I trust her, but I DON'T trust him. If I was working day shift, It wouldn't be a problem. I am very respectful of her feelings and if something I do makes her uncomfortable, I try my best to rectify it, because I do care about how she feels about things. I just think she would not want to put herself in any situation that would cause either her or me to be uncomfortable especially if the situation can be so easily avoided.

If you don't trust him, then you have no business letting him stay overnight at your house. When the kids go to bed, he goes to a hotel and returns in the morning. Problem solved.

You keep telling us that you trust her but yet you are wanting to take off of work so you can be home the entire time he is there. Sorry, but I think you don't trust her, regardless of how often you tell us you do.

Yep. You have a perfectly reasonable way to solve this problem. And your kids are not going to go to this guy's hotel room in the middle of the night, right? So this bullshit about them only interacting in their own home is already taken care of. At three AM, they are not going to be hanging out at the Ramada.

I agree. Either you take the time off or you tell him to get a hotel. Like Jes said, the kids will be asleep and not interacting with dad.

I'm a little confused. She woke up with him having sex with her while she was married to you? That's disgusting, and I'd like to know if you had a chat with him about it. She's no longer a free woman.

Maybe she could lock the bedroom door? What does she say about this, other than she doesn't think you need to take time off?

I think you misunderstood Mame. It was while his wife was married to her ex that she woke up in the middle of the night to find him on top of her.

This is what I don't get. Just because that happened while she was married to her ex does not mean that her ex is gonna sneak into her bedroom now and begin screwing her while she sleeps. That is why I think he distrusts his wife regardless of his claims otherwise.

you can't have it both ways.

24 hour access, but only when you're around? not gonna happen

have you told him that you are uncomfortable with him being in your house when you're not there? if not, why not?

_______


trust your wife

However, it takes two to tango. She says she is not interested. So you should trust her in that. Are you secure in your marriage or not?

The other alternate may be a bit awkward (by now) . Insist that he take a nearby hotel room and pay for it yourself.

Listen to what you are saying!!! :
my wife is helpless and without a brain and some guy is going to get on top of her in her own house and she won't be able to do anything about it.

Geez - you either know this woman or you don't.

Install a lock on the bedroom door.

In the meantime, work on your insecurities in your marriage.

OP, why do you think the ex would visit your wife in your bedroom? Do you not have a lock on the door?

U r right, this happened in her previous marriage. Never while we are married. Keep the comments coming, this is while I posted this question. If my outlook on this is wrong, I want to know.

but...how much more do you want to hear? We are unanimously saying it's your attitude/outlook that needs changing. Plus we mostly agree to the option that he should stay elsewhere if it makes you feel too uncomfy.

If your wife is ok with this and understands the circumstance (your discomfort) what does she feel about her ex staying at a nearby hotel?

Before we go past this possibility, are you possibly saying that her ex might have possibly raped her when they're married?

I differ from other respondents in that I don't assume that he doesn't trust his wife.
I do agree that a hotel room for him is the best answer.

Yeah, I don't get the sense that he doesn't trust her, either. It's the ex he doesn't trust. Just make sure there's a lock on the door, or he has to stay in a hotel, or you take vacation time. It's all the same.

Well, if he trusts his wife, then he should have no qualms about the guy staying in the house with her when he is at work. Because if he trusts his wife, then the only way something will happen between her and the ex is if the ex forces himself upon his wife. If he has any reason to believe that might happen, then why would he even consider letting a guy who he believes might rape his wife stay at his house under any circumstance. The fact that he seems to be totally agreeable to the guy staying indicates that it is really his wife that he does not trust. At least that is how I see it.

Regardless of who he does or does not trust, there is nothing wrong with insisting that this guy stay in a hotel, just as all of us here are suggesting.

I read that as a concern - because it happened in the past. Possibly a mild concern.. but there.

And that is my point. Since that is a concern, why in the name of sense is he even thinking about letting the guy stay at his house?

If I were in his shoes, he would be staying at a hotel on his own dime. The fact that he is even contemplating taking off work instead of sending the guy out of the house at a decent hour each evening is crazy.