desire for hokups while in a loving realtionship

To me, it sounds like she is happy in the relationship, and just still attracted to other people, in which case that wouldn't be good to act on. If in fact, she is NOT happy in the relationship, then it is indeed a VERY different story. If I am correct though, that she is happy in her relationship, then it is best to just not think about other guys. I know "train" was a bad word, but we always need to have a certain amount of control of our thougts.

If you can't know how having several casual intimacies would impact on you, then it shows, I think, how little you "know" yourself.

I reread your initial post. You said you have never "lived the single life." That just reinforces my above thought. This may be a case of the right guy at the wrong time. Since you've broken up with him, you should explore life as a young single woman. I don't mean the sexual aspect, I mean all aspects of being independent. I think once you do, you will know more about what you want out of life.

You also said "How do i convince myself that what i could have in a realtionship is far better than 100 hook ups?" If you can't answer that question for yourself, no one else will be able to. My own personal bias is that a relationship is worth far more than casual sex. To be honest, I really don't know what anyone would gain from casual sex, other than sexual know-how. Perhaps someone else can give an answer that I'm just not aware of. Having said that, I'm not advocating you go back to your ex-boyfriend right now because it's so obvious you are not ready for a long-term relationship with him.

Finally, all the questions you asked at the end of your initial post seem to indicate that you want someone to give you an answer that really doesn't exist. That's how a lot of life is, plenty of questions, but not always answers.

I think you did one right thing in breaking up with your boyfriend. But your comment that you have "told him i have every intention of asking him to take me back when i'm ready" is not right. You are basically asking him to make himself available for you when you get through your exploration. Who knows how long that might be? What if by the end, you are a changed person and decide he is not the one for you but he is still waiting? By waiting, you are potentially turning this situation into something even worse for him. You need to be more honest with him and not give him any false hopes.

I like the way Caprice sums it up.

Well, as an older person here, I have a long view on this.
Some people do fall in love and marry young, and manage to continue loving each other over many years with the relationship growing as they mature as people. Many more have real trouble keeping loving through changes as they live through their teens, twenties, and even thirties. People change after that too, have whole new interests, with whole new understandings of themselves.

To me, now, at sixty, I can barely imagine setting out on this course as a person of, say, twenty, a person who has not ever lived by him or herself for any real length of time, handled finances, made many decisions. I know there are exceptions, but I can only foresee a wobbly time for people starting in such a commitment so early.

On the potential of losing your ex boyfriend - well, changes have already occurred because of the doubts. I think it is quite a mistake to jump into a commitment - with all it can conceivably entail as in sickness, health, richer, poorer, and actual devotion to working out the relationship over time - without enthusiasm for years ahead. Not that there won't always be some whisper of misgiving even with the most enthused, but doubt about staying power is not a good way to start out.

As for casual sex, I am not as horrified as most. I had a bunch of it myself once, after two serious love affairs didn't work out. Yah, self esteem issues, slightly. It was also fun, thrilling even. Some of it was rewarding. I am not sorry I went through that. I settled down and married after that and was faithful for decades. One isn't sucked into a vortex of some dastardly sex addiction, at least usually.

Summarizing, the sexual concern is one thing, but I am more interested in the fact that you haven't lived very long as an adult on your own. Has he? I think people need to learn to swim alone in real life before they can swim in it well in pairs.

How were the reasons removed? do they go away with age, or must you act on them?

Same age.

I broke it off because he started treating me like crap when we went from friends to lovers. He knew he was treating me like crap and was uncomfortable with the fact that I expected better treatment now that I was more than a friend - so he didn't beg me not to leave either. There was no assumption that I would even speak to him again never mind go back out with him. We really did not discuss what went on in our time apart. I never cared to know and neither did he.

I can see how you'd feel "dishonest" but I'm from a different school of thought - one that says my business is my business, and if the others we were with meant something we'd still be there, wouldn't we? I suppose I feel that there is nothing to be gained from the telling of the in-between story, except to hurt the other person. Truly, why would he want to know and what is my motive for sharing? The only motive I could think of would be to unload to keep from feeling guilty - and if you feel guilty, then there is your answer for not being with other people. I keep my baggage to myself. You pack it, you carry it. It makes you reconsider how many things you want to put in the bag and take with you.....

FACT: A broken heart or emotional pain CAN cause you more harm then getting the Sh!t beat out of you!

I spent some time on my own. This included both "hooking up" with other people, and learning the things that come with that (back to this in a minute) and just spending time all by myself, seeing what that was like. Learning.

I learned an awful lot about relationships in this period, that made me more secure for later. Ah, that's what game-playing is like (lying, manipulating...) No, I don't like that at all. Ah, that's what someone's face looks like when he has cheated on you and doesn't know how to say it. Ah, that's what it's like to be wined and dined -- but then he has all of these other expectations, too. Hmph. Ah, that's what it's like to be put up on a pedastal -- no, no, I prefer more even footing.

Etc., etc. That period gave me all sorts of tools for having a mature, satisfying relationship later on.

How long were you on your own? or better yet...how long were you on your own before you were ready for a relationship?

Hmmm... I'd say the period I'm thinking of (broke up with first true love -- had lived together and everything -- to when I met my husband) was -- wow -- I guess it was just a year and a few months. Felt far, far longer than that.