desire for hokups while in a loving realtionship

According to recent psychological research your experience is more or less the norm, but you are better at articulating it than many. Women, particularly young women tend to divided men into two groups; "Dads" and "Cads". The "dads" are stable loving males that they look for in terms of stable long term relationships, the "cads" are those males that are undependable but "exciting". The kind of guy you'd want a fling with. It seems to me you have not got the "cads" out of your system yet, and probably should not be looking for a long term relationship.

You're probably 19 or 20, right ?

When you get married, it will (theoretically) be forever, which means probably fifty or sixty years, with the same person, exclusively. Not easy.

By all means, date around. Play. Give yourself some time to grow and find out what kind of person you want to (try to) spend THE REST OF YOUR LIFE with.

Are you a psychologist? Or where have you read/heard this? Also, I feel as though in most non-western cultures and in most historical cultures there wasn't this period of being single. Peoeple just went along with the norm...grow up, get married. Right? or am i wrong? Do you belive that hooking up with others will actually allow me to get this out of my system? I love this man so much and don't want to screw up what we have...I just wish there was some other way to fix this. As much as I don't want to have this nagging me for the rest of my life...i also don't want to be regretting giving him up and not being able to spend the rest of my life with him. Do you think this desire to hook up will stay with me for the rest of my life if i don't act on it now?

No I am not a psychologist, I'm an anthropologist (archaeologist actually). The research I mentioned was published recently in the science section of the New York Times (that's in the tuesday issue). Look through the back issues for the last three month and you should find it. Do not judge your situation by other times or cultures, what is relevant is your times and your culture. Unless you plan to move some where else those are the rules you have to live by. Angie has given you some good advice, give yourself some time to grow. If this relationship is important to your boy friend he will wait. If not, it is better that you find that out now.

I don't know what you should or shouldn't do, but if you are ever in the New York area and feel the need to "get one out of your system", I'll be here for you.

Honestly, would you wait for someone who was hooking up with others? I know this guy would wait for a long time for me...but if i were hooking up with others, i don't know how that would make him feel. Also, is it right to do that to someone you love...the idea of hurting him like that is awful.

I feel this whole issue is wrong. If you TRULY love someone then why would you want to do the one thing in this world that would kill him emotionaly! I have a similar situation to where my ex left me for what reason I still dont know. but she once stated to me "Your 23 (at the time) and I am only 19 (at the time). You had the chance to party and live your college life and I want to be able to do that too!" I really dont know if you would consider that wanting to have "random hookups", But I will tell you this much if she was to go and have random sex/hookups with other guys I would never take her back! Sex/hookups is something you share with the one you love! And if your willing to throw this guy away then yea go for it, But if you love him and you value him in your life again DONT!

Look at it from this point, how would you feel if he had left you for "Random Hookups"?

Honesty: My ex and I stopped being physical and talking Dec.4th I havent kissed anyone since or fooled around with....Food for thought! :wink:

I agree. It is entirely unfair to leave this guy waiting for you while you sow your wild oats. Even if he does wait for you, I think there would be trust issues not to mention hurt on his part.

I'd say go have fun, but don't expect this guy to wait around for you. I don't think you truly love this man or you would feel differently.

i completely agree with your point about it being unfair to him..and about the trust issues. However i disagree about loving him...i love him very much...which is why i posted this forum...to ask how i can resolve this issue without hooking up with anyone else. If i could do something, or hear someone say something that would make this feeling go away...i would do it in a heartbeat...I would give up the first $100,000 i earn or more if there were some "magical potion" i could buy to make it go away. Of course there isn't. I know this is unfair to him, and i dont need someone to tell me that. What i would like is productive advice on how to resolve this issue so that he and i can move on with our lives together, hopefully.

Smiling- Welcome to A2K!



I agree with the people who say that you are nowhere near ready for a long term relationship. I would take it one step further. Many young people want to experience a number of sexual partners before they settle down, but, from what I have read in your posts, you are taking it to the extreme.

People who need to have constant expressions of their "desirability" from others have a major league self esteem problem. IMO, before you destroy both your and your boyfriend's life, find out why you need to have the approval of so many men, and having sex with them is the way that you express that need.

Find yourself a good therapist, and learn why you need to prove to yourself that you are attractive, even with strangers that you pick up in a bar. THAT is the issue, not the sex. Good luck!

My guess isn't that you're looking for an impressive register of Bedroom Encounters--but you'd like to feel the possibility exists. I think that you're trying to figure out who you are and what you want to do with the rest of your life.

To my mind, at your age, self-discovery comes before anything that you "owe" your recent partner. You should not commit to a long term relationship without knowing yourself.

Just as you want freedom, so your former lover should be granted freedom. He may insist that he will wait for you--this is his choice and you should not hold him to it. He loves the person you are now, but neither of you know the person you may become.

Good luck.

Re: desire for hokups while in a loving realtionship


It sounds to me like a question of "Do I stay at home for steak, or dine-out on burgers". Only you know which you would prefer. Personally, I'm a 'steak' guy. All the 'burgers' I've ever had have been ultimately disappointing, and the hunger soon returns. 'Steak' tends to last longer and satisfy more.

(PS. Please no-one infer that I'm refering to women as 'meat'. It's just an analogy!)

How old are you? Curious........

The age thing makes a diff on the type of advice we could give! On getting this "random hook-ups" out of your system.

I have a few questions for you also.

1 Do you REALLY love this guy that you left?
2 Are you willing to throw it all away?
3 You stated that you didn't feel "cool" unless you had alot of "random hook-ups", Do you really deep down inside feel that way?
4 Wouldnt you feel dirty having alot of hook-ups?

Food for thought!
1 Dont worry about what others think of you. You are you and in 10 years from now you will still be you and those people that you thought that mattered wont even be there anymore!

2 Sometimes in life you need to let your heart lead you even if its some where you know it shouldnt be!

I'm quoting this in full just cause it's so true ...

I disagree with some here - I think you do love him and I think you are being more honest with yourself than most people. I also don't think that this is a college-age problem. A lot of 35 year old men that I know are still talking about this before AND after they get married.

I don't know that there is an answer. Normally I'd give rational advice - but you've already reached that. It may sound simplistic to say "go with your heart" but I think this is the best solution here. As for me, I'm getting married in a few months and we did our own thing in the begininning of our relationship.

We were friends for 5 years then we dated for a few months. We broke up and got back together 6 months later. He didn't ask what I had been up to and I didn't ask him. We didn't care because we both knew we were unhappy without each other. Could we still hook up with other people? Absolutely. But we don't want to. Not to say that in the years to come that the temptation won't be there - but you can't know what you will do until you get there. You can speculate, but each bridge must be crossed at its own time and space.

I'm not a believer in "things meant to be" - I think that's a cope up to explain all the junk that happens in life. Sometimes you just have to make a decision and jump in - you just can't know where the road goes. The pain and beauty of life, as it were.

So, enough about me. The short of it - I think Noddy summed it up best.

WOW I just re-read what Noddy24 put....And I totaly agree with his statement!

OK, here's my take.

I don't think your desire to play around for a while - explore your fantasies and at least see whether it's at all out there, or not, before you commit to fidelity for the rest of your life - is wholly natural. Or in any case, it's very, very common, for boys and girls in their 20s ...

It doesnt necessarily imply any great problems of self-esteem at all, imho - not until or unless other things are in play as well.

Still, it sucks, of course, to say the least, re: your (ex)boyfriend. He might well be the guy you'd be so happy with, for the rest of your life. And choosing to play around now, first, will hurt him - and will probably, to be honest, mean you'll lose him.

Truth is, sometimes you meet the guy or gal of your life too early in life - (s)he's perfect, but you're not ready yet. You can only hope that, when you're ready for it, he'll be there, still, or again.

On the other hand, once you've done what you want or need to do before settling down into marriage, you might be a different person too, and he might not be the perfect guy for you, after all.

If you go free now, you risk losing what you might later realise was the love of your life. But if you stay, you risk not being able to be happy / contented / settled with the love of your life, because you have frustrated desires, or because you can't stop wondering whether the grass might not have been greener, after all ... and that might well severely undermine that 'ideal' life.

I dunno. Let me give some real life examples.

Close friend of mine had a bf for four, five years - lived together with him, too. She finished her studies, went out into the world, met lots of new people ... couldnt help wondering whether this kind, nice guy at home really was ... I mean, if there really wasn't any other, or better ... or, if she really wanted to have sex only with this one guy, the rest of her life ...

She roamed ... Then she left her boyfriend, because she was clearly not being fair to him. He was heartbroken. They stayed in touch.

Well, the green pastures turned out to be juicy, but unfulfilling. And in the course of another three, four years, she realised that that one guy really had been the best she could have possibly hoped for ...

Slowly, they got back together. Now, they're married and have a baby son.

He once complained that he'd gotten hardened - that it hadn't ever gotten as lovey-dovey romantic as it once had been. On the other hand, their "second life" had constituted a relationship that was a lot more stable, more grounded, and one that she felt a lot more at ease with than before, when their great romance and its idealisations had more than once made her feel a little - claustrophobic ...

Thats just one story, though. I have another. It's mine.

I had a gf ... and we were together for some six years. OK, first off all, I wasnt ready for it, obviously, and I did some stupid stuff, which made our relationship sour after a fully romantic first three years. Those years were lovely - but I kept wondering about, you know, the rest of the world - all those people I hadnt met yet. Hence my "stupid stuff"- I had an affair, and we fell out. In the end we hang in there, though, stayed together, fought to battle on. By that time, I was ready, at last, to settle down. I wanted nothing more than have children, live together - as soon as the storm would finish settling down.

It never did, though, because then it was her turn. You see, before me, she hadnt really had boyfriends, ever - nothing serious, just some kissing, at most ... I was all she'd known beyond that. And while she was starry-eyed about me those first three years, that had been enough. But now, she thought again. When we had our troubles, she'd started going out with friends, and there were all these interesting people to meet and get to know - she'd become a very beautiful woman, by then, no lack of prospects .. exciting possibilities beckoned.

To cut a long story short, she, err, explored them <grins> ... and we had to split up. She had a fling or two with sexy, beautiful men ... then, recovering from our split-up, she tried to build new relationships, with proper boyfriends. One failed, then another. She let me know that, when she looked back now, she realised how wonderful our relationship had been - how good her memories about me were. But there was no way I was going even near a real relationship with her anymore - and to be honest, after all that had happened, she didnt really believe in it anymore either - too much had changed.

A year later, she met a man, a somewhat older man, serious guy. They got together, married within a year, and the last I heard, she was pregnant.

So, yeah, these stories are very common, at least nowadays. I could tell you half a dozen more of them, about friends' lives. There was this one girl, she had a steady relationship with a boyfriend she moved in with when she was 17 ... she left him at 20, when she found herself almost having an affair ... then, for ten subsequent years, she partied, and any guy she hooked up with was guaranteed to be a bad boy from far away, dealaz and gangstaz, for the night or for a while. Then, there was nothing for a few years ... and then she found the nicest guy, he works with psychiatric patients, gentle, patient - and she's as happy as she can be. And every once in a while thanks the Lord that she left that boyfriend, back at 20 ...

It's all run-of-the-mill in the confusing life of twenty-somethings <smiles> ... And it ain't necessarily bad. It's just - whatever you do - it will be a gamble - and you're not going to know how it'll end up. You'll only know afterwards what was the right thing to do. I would say: go by your instinct. Please, go by your instinct. And see what happens. No guarantees.

Damn, that was long. Its those real-life stories - they take room ...

Just to toss this out here - random hookups can mean not so random pregnancies and STDs. You'd best be ready to be extraordinarily careful re safer sex, and also mentally prepared in case your precautions fail.

Greetings from the wet blanket. :-D