desire for hokups while in a loving realtionship

Agreeing with Noddy and nimh. I had a bunch of real-life stories, too, and it was precisely that they were taking so long that I gave up. They were VERY similar to what nimh wrote, though.

Jes makes an excellent point too, of course.

My real-life story is that I am very grateful I happened to meet my husband when I did. We each had "lived" and had things out of our systems and were ready for each other. I definitely agree that it is not pathological, what you are feeling, though of course going to a therapist may help you clarify some things. You are remarkably clear-eyed already, though, in what you have said, and I think you have already laid out what you need to do. Nimh dilineates the possible consequences well.

Sorry you are in such a difficult position. Hope that everything ends well.

Good luck!

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Fred wrote:

How old are you? Curious........

The age thing makes a diff on the type of advice we could give! On getting this "random hook-ups" out of your system.

I have a few questions for you also.

1 Do you REALLY love this guy that you left?
2 Are you willing to throw it all away?
3 You stated that you didn't feel "cool" unless you had alot of "random hook-ups", Do you really deep down inside feel that way?
4 Wouldnt you feel dirty having alot of hook-ups?

Food for thought!
1 Dont worry about what others think of you. You are you and in 10 years from now you will still be you and those people that you thought that mattered wont even be there anymore!

2 Sometimes in life you need to let your heart lead you even if its some where you know it shouldnt be!

I'm 20
1)yes i REALLY love him.
2)i do not want to throw it all away, but i worry that if i dont get rid of this feeling it will come time for us to marry and i won't be ready...then i fear the chances of loosing him forever are even greater, and this fear will be on my mind until then.
3)as deep as i can tell i do feel that way...pathetic, isnt it
4)dirty? quite possibly i would, but i really dont know.

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Sugar wrote:

I disagree with some here - I think you do love him and I think you are being more honest with yourself than most people. I also don't think that this is a college-age problem. A lot of 35 year old men that I know are still talking about this before AND after they get married.

I don't know that there is an answer. Normally I'd give rational advice - but you've already reached that. It may sound simplistic to say "go with your heart" but I think this is the best solution here. As for me, I'm getting married in a few months and we did our own thing in the begininning of our relationship.

We were friends for 5 years then we dated for a few months. We broke up and got back together 6 months later. He didn't ask what I had been up to and I didn't ask him. We didn't care because we both knew we were unhappy without each other. Could we still hook up with other people? Absolutely. But we don't want to. Not to say that in the years to come that the temptation won't be there - but you can't know what you will do until you get there. You can speculate, but each bridge must be crossed at its own time and space.

I'm not a believer in "things meant to be" - I think that's a cope up to explain all the junk that happens in life. Sometimes you just have to make a decision and jump in - you just can't know where the road goes. The pain and beauty of life, as it were.

So, enough about me. The short of it - I think Noddy summed it up best.

Just curious..who broke it off, or was it mutual? Was there an assumption the two of you would get back together? Did you really not discuss what you had done with others in the time apart? Somehow I would feel, that if i had been with someone else, i would need to tell him that before we got back together...otherwise it would feel dishonest.

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I know this may be hard on you trying to figure things out and make sense of everything! I know when my ex left me I didnt want to listen to anyones so called "advice."

Then I stumbled upon this site...Curious I put my problems on here thinking ok these people dont know me so they cant be like my friends always saying "I've heard enough already shut up!" And for some time I would read the responses I would get and the majority of them I HATED!

They all (yes everyone of you on here) Told me to forget about my ex and that she was the almighty Bit@h! Well they were right, I did need to get her away and out of my mind, but the "Almighty Bit@h" part wasnt right.

I guess what I am trying to tell you is the answers you seek may not be what you want to hear, but in all actuality there the right ones.

Always know one thing no matter what advice we may give you, your still going to do what you want!

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I don't think this is true for everyone, but for the most part, even when you're in a great relationship you are still attracted to ther people. Usually worse people if it's that good of a relationship you have. Not being attracted to other people, or thinking about them is something in which you have to train yourself. Don't do anything to mess up what you have.

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Someone once stated to me or should I say quoted to me "Every person in this world has a special some one that is made for us. And 9 times out of 10 we let that person slip away from us."

If you truly love this guy don’t be a statistic! You story truly touches me and this guy is a very lucky guy! I only wish that my ex had half the compassion that you do for this guy! Think about it you left him cause of random thoughts and feelings! Key word "Random" meaning not permanent But you have every intention of getting back with him....

Question:
1 Does he know your reason for leaving him?
2 Does he know you plan to get back with him?

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First of all, I'm a nice guy, so don't think I'm a jerk when I say that if you hook up with someone else, I hope this guy leaves you and never turns back. It just wouldn't be fair to him.

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Would it be fair to him to go ahead, knowing full well how many reservations there are, and then finally reaching the breaking point after marriage and children?

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Fantasies don't die easily, but they are just fantasies. Realistically if she is in a good relationship, and still wants to date other men, that desire will not leave no matter who she is with. It isn't a problem with the relationship, it is her mindset. If she needs time, that's one thing but being with all sorts of guys will solve her desires about as much as trying all kinds of drugs will rid one of their desire for drugs. It will get her addicted, and less and less happy.

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Fred wrote:

Question:
1 Does he know your reason for leaving him?
2 Does he know you plan to get back with him?

1)when i left him i wasnt really sure my reason...i thought it was maybe that i just need to get out more on my own...see what it was like to be single and in time grow up and realize how much i hated it. Or thats what i was and still am hoping for. Thats pretty much what i said to him.

2) I've told him i have every intention of asking him to take me back when i'm ready.

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SCoates wrote:

I don't think this is true for everyone, but for the most part, even when you're in a great relationship you are still attracted to ther people. Usually worse people if it's that good of a relationship you have. Not being attracted to other people, or thinking about them is something in which you have to train yourself. Don't do anything to mess up what you have.

How do i trian myself? This is what i have been working on for the last year...things seem to work for a little while, then it all comes rushing back again.

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We can't live our lives for others. It just doesn't work. If you want to explore the world, do it. Regrets come from not following our desires.(within reason)

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SCoates wrote:

Realistically if she is in a good relationship, and still wants to date other men, that desire will not leave no matter who she is with.

I disagree wholeheartedly. I think it is very appropriate to where she is in life, very natural, and very mature of her to recognize the issue.

I felt like that when I was 20, then after the reason(s) for feeling like that were removed, I no longer felt that way. I've been happily monogamous for a dozen years, and have no plans (or inclination) to change that.

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I fell in love with someone once, whom I did not marry. I tried forever to stop loving her, but I just couldn't. Now I am married to someone else. I could still love the first woman if I thought about her, but I simply choose not to, because at this point in my life it would obviously be bad. It seems to me that what you desire would obviously be detremental to you, even though you desire it so strongly. Am I correct? My solution is to forget about it. Think about other things. One mistake I made was in trying not to think about the first girl I was really trying to resolve my thoughts, and consequently only thought of her more. That just isn't an option now that I am married to someone else whom I love. I have the ability to love other people, but the only way I've found to be faithful to my wife is to just not think about it; I know it will do me no good.

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I respect the opposite opinion, and I presume it has it's place. But it sounds to me that in this case she'll end up hurting her self more one way than other.

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SCoates wrote:

If she needs time, that's one thing but being with all sorts of guys will solve her desires about as much as trying all kinds of drugs will rid one of their desire for drugs. It will get her addicted, and less and less happy.

No offence, but from my own modest degree of experiences and the sometimes much more extensive experiences of my friends, that strikes me as utter nonsense. Is it based on personal experience?

I have wandered a little bit, and saw others wander a lot, and in all cases it was a phase that just kindof needed to spend itself. I have not once seen someone who got "addicted" to "being with all sorts of guys" and started doing it progressively more. I know it happens that it kind of solidifies into some self-destructive pattern, in a pathological small number of cases where it usually is tied up with questions of self-esteem, but in the overwhelming majority of times, once you've tried your bunch of guys (gals), you'll quickly come to some realisations about the whole thing that'll have you looking for some steady home base after all.

Thing is, I guess some people can come to these realisations without trying out, but some will only be able to settle down with a sturdy belief that, yes, this is the right choice, once they've seen (explored) the other side of the medal, too - and if they force themselves to too early a choice, it will bite back at them later in life - when consequences may be much more dire, as Sozobe points out.

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Is he older or younger then you?

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SCoates wrote:

I fell in love with someone once, whom I did not marry. I tried forever to stop loving her, but I just couldn't. Now I am married to someone else. I could still love the first woman if I thought about her, but I simply choose not to, because at this point in my life it would obviously be bad. It seems to me that what you desire would obviously be detremental to you, even though you desire it so strongly. Am I correct? My solution is to forget about it. Think about other things. One mistake I made was in trying not to think about the first girl I was really trying to resolve my thoughts, and consequently only thought of her more. That just isn't an option now that I am married to someone else whom I love. I have the ability to love other people, but the only way I've found to be faithful to my wife is to just not think about it; I know it will do me no good.

SCoates, that's sad. I'm sorry you're in that situation.

Respectfully, though, I don't think your example applies. I have a better picture about why you feel the way you do, though.

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I know my example may not apply, but I offer it in case it does. She could easily end up hurting herself, if she leaves someone she cares about, and expects him to stay around as fallback guy. Nobody wants to be a fallback crush.

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Sure. In terms of "expecting" him to be the fallback guy, though, one of the many rational things she has been saying is that if he can't stick around, she understands. She doesn't seem to have any particular expectations of him in that way.

My take on it, from my own experience and from knowledge of many others' experiences, is that once she is thinking this way, it is not fair to anyone -- her or her bf -- to continue in the relationship. She can't be "trained" out of it, and it will just be a source of festering resentment, IMO. One of those positive feedback loops (positive in the sense of increasing, not anything good) -- she is resentful because of what she has given up for him, he is resentful that he is resented for no good reason (she chose to stay with him), she is resentful that she did the "right" thing and yet is being resented, he is resentful that... and the gloom and doom builds and builds until they both want to get far, far away and just be happy.

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desire for hokups while in a loving realtionship

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