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Tue 9 Oct, 2012 12:17 pm
Wow....I can't believe I am putting all this into words, but I feel I need guidance. Let's start with I am 37 years old, married 20 years, we have a 20 year old off in college and a 13 year old. My husband and I have had a very rocky marriage. It all started when I first met him when I was 16, I was CERTAIN he was sleeping with his brothers wife. I kind of just let that go, until it started up again around 2005. I had all the proof I needed except a confession from them. I had voicemails that she'd left him, lies he was caught in, etc. So, this round 2 with him and her I was totally devastated. I cried every day, I begged and pleaded for the truth. I felt the change in our personal relationship, no intimacy, no sex and no affection. I threatened to leave him, but never did. Maybe I was scared financially, also I didn't want my girls in a broken home. We have a really happy family life believe it or not, people would be shocked at what goes on behind closed doors though. Anyway, so I had my first affair with a married co-worker that I became very close with around 2006, it lasted about a year. I really like him, but we both knew it wouldn't go anywhere, we didn't want to destroy our family plus he was dealing with a lot of guilt. The pain with my husband and sister in law still lurked and still consumed my mind almost every day, so I did the unthinkable and I am disgusted with myself about it. I did tell my brother in law about the proof I had on them two and he said he had often wondered too, I let him hear the voicemails etc, and we both cried. Well several month later we had an affair. I am very ashamed, I was so ANGRY and I hated her so much I felt like I would feel like "HAH! I got you back!", I thought I would feel better but I didn't. I did for a while but looking back it did nothing to relieve that pain, it just added my shame that I slept with her husband. Okay, so that's two affairs.....by this time, there is no intimacy with my husband. I missed him, even after all the hurt I missed the intimacy,the kissing etc but it's like it was lost. I suggested counseling and he refuses.
So fast forward about 2 years, I was going out with some coworkers after work, and ended up having a one night stand with a guy a little younger than me, a one night stand and that's all it was and we still remained friends after that until I left that company.
Then, in 2007 I started an emotional affair with another married co-worker. We fooled around, never had sex, he was a good friend and he still is.
2009, I had an affair with another married man that I was close with from work, we started this affair after I left the company and it lasted about 6 months. He would tell me things that made me think he was looking more long term, like he wanted out of his marriage and I wasn't. He actually kind of ended it with me though. We just kinda of stopped talking, I felt kind of dumped with that one and it hurt.
So now, I am lonelier than ever in my marriage, I feel no attraction towards my husband, we have no desire for eachother. He says he's happy but I don't see how that can be, we have sex once a month, sometimes not even that much. I made an account with Ashley Madison (I know, I know), and have met this man and have started an affair. We chatted on IM a lot, on the phone and met once for sex. We are planning again this week. I'm really kind of not feeling like he's totally interested. I mean he says things like, "I only want you"...we goof around a lot, we have fun. He's good looking. He's also a family man, doesn't down his wife, says she's a good woman but the sex just just isn't there for him. He has two small children, he's 43 and much like my story he says all of their family and friends think their life/marriage is perfect, but he needs more.
So, I'm finding myself wanting more from this already. I know he's busy, he has a very demanding job but I feel like when I don't hear from him enough, maybe he's changed his mind, maybe he's having second thoughts. Sounds like I'm insecure, right? Sometimes he'll leave me hanging on a chat and just log out....or he won't answer a question that I want answered. He doesn't pursue talking on the phone too much....things that in my other affairs I had but in this one I want and he doesn't seem to. I realize it's just an affair to him and I'm considering ending it, because I can already see myself getting hurt out of this one. Affairs never end good, but they are so fulfilling at the moment. I sometimes think maybe I should just leave my husband, I'm doing him so wrong and this is making me a habitual cheater. I also blame him for all of the hurt he caused me, of all people to cheat with he picks his brother's wife? Seriously..??? I still, to this day hate family functions with his side of the family. I feel so much anger with that entire situation and maybe it's a copout but I blame a lot of the way I am today because of that. He was my only one I'd ever slept with until I was 30 years old and now it's just gone out of control. Help!!!
@senselessone,
One thing that came into my mind is that you are spending one hell of a lot of your emotional capital and time on having one affair after another.
I do not know what your husband is doing or not doing as he did not post here but no woman or man can have a chance to be in a successful marriage with a room full hell more like a large greyhound bus full of others partners around.
Assuming this is not a someone bored 30 year old male doing some created writing you might wish to try stopping with the other men and try to get back some form of a relationship with your husband and if that does not work or if you do not care to do so then just get a damn divorce.
@BillRM,
Ha, I wish I was a bored 30 year old male making this all up!! And you're right, there is no hope for a marriage to work when of course you have TOO MANY people involved. If you read the post, I HAVE tried with my marriage, suggested counseling, tried until I was freaking blue in the face. Getting a "damn divorce" is much harder than being able to write the words so freely as you did, especially since we have children involved, and when both partners in the marriage have done wrong and one isn't willing to attempt to fix the damage. Thanks for the input though.
PS we need one of the holders of the big red NSFW stamp to stamp this thread or did the stamp already had worn out?
@senselessone,
Line breaks are your friend. Big honkin' paragraphs are hard to read.
But - I think I got what I needed from the first few lines and then some skimming.
You got married when you were a kid and your eldest is as old as your marriage so I am going to assume you initially wed either because you were pregnant or you got pregnant soon afterwards. Neither are a recipe for a happy marriage. Pregnant 16-year-olds often do not do well (there are exceptions of course).
Fast forward to now, you have had affairs and are actively seeking more.
Your kids are older; the eldest is either out of the house or will be soon. The youngest is at a really lousy age for parents getting divorced (13). I dated a guy whose folks called it quits when he was 13; he was unable to commit, even as we dated for a year and a half. But I digress. These are your issues and not my own and not my ex's. But suffice it to say, there are problems with getting a divorce when a child is a tween. You cannot shut your eyes to those.
That having been said, it looks to me like you checked out of your marriage long ago. Why do you hang around? Economics? The kids? Inertia?
Will the world end if you take the plunge and actually separate? At least you'd be considerably more honest about everything, and you'd give your youngest a way to begin processing everything. As it is, things are going to be really, really bad if he (she?) finds out through some means of discovery other than you telling him/her. You really want your 13-year-old to find out by seeing a strange man's car in the driveway, or finding condoms in your purse when he's looking for gum?
@senselessone,
Sorry but no actions of your partner justify your actions and the impression I am getting is that any wrong doing on his part was just a wonderful excused for your behaviors and affairs that you jumped into with one man after another.
You do not have a marriage and seems not to wish to have one or for that matter any serous relationship with any one partner as you seems to be hook on the emotional thrill of having affairs.
@senselessone,
Quote: especially since we have children involved
Using your children is no excuse for not getting a divorce. After all, your kids are 13 and 20. I'm sure they will survive a divorce.
You're sleeping around and your husband is sleeping around (according to you), so what is the problem? If you are not happy, leave him.
Now, if you wish me to give you a blunt answer to the question you asked at the top of the thread (What's wrong with you?), I can do that. You just won't like the answer. And since I try to be kind, I will just keep it to myself.
Very good the red stamp people woke up as we can not have such threads without the red warning label now can we.
@jespah,
My 13 year old is my primary reason for staying in this marriage. My "family" is my top priority. Broken homes/divorces are so hard on kids at this age. I AM selfish, that I won't deny that, but people have needs and when they aren't being met, you tend to either choose to do without or get them one way or the other. My selfishness convinces me I can do this...have my cake (family) and eat it too. Or however that saying goes.
I'll remember line breaks next time...lol.
Thanks for the reply.
@senselessone,
If you family was your top priority instead of the thrill of having affairs you would not be acting as you are.
You could try taking up a hobby that might give you an equal thrill such as sky diving for example.
@senselessone,
Divorces are hard on any child of any age. Do you know what would be worse? A divorce initiated by your husband if AND when he discovers you cheating on him AND the family. Then what do you think your child will think of you as you will be then considered the destroyer of the marriage even if there are extenuating circumstances to the crumbling marriage besides the affairs.
It be best if you end the marriage right now and not admit to the divorce. Use your silence on this aspect to protect your children. If the above stated worse case scenario happens and you are responsible/scapegoated for the divorce in the eyes of your children then you will likely burn ALL bridges you presently have with your children for years if not decades to come.
Good luck with trying to have your proverbial cake (the affairs) and your family too. Don't choke on any proverbial stale crumbs. You just might find that in the end you won't have anyone to give you the proverbial Heimlich maneuver.
to get to the original question...what's wrong with me? Nothing really, you're just a slut.
@tsarstepan,
tsarstepan wrote:
It be best if you end the marriage right now and not admit to the divorce.
I meant to say "not admit to the affairs" in the process of the divorce.
@senselessone,
senselessone wrote:
My 13 year old is my primary reason for staying in this marriage. My "family" is my top priority. Broken homes/divorces are so hard on kids at this age.
Too late. Your kid is already living in a broken home, and she probably understands a great deal more than you're willing to give her credit for. You're not doing your teenaged child any favors by maintaining the facade of a sham marriage. All she's doing right now is learning how to emulate your deceitful behavior. Be honest for a change and set a good example for your daughters by legally getting out of a marriage that you emotionally abandoned years ago.
@blueveinedthrobber,
Quote:to get to the original question...what's wrong with me? Nothing really, you're just a slut.
Exactly where I was going, but I just couldn't bring myself to write it. Good to know at least someone else was thinking it.
To the OP - look, you know this situation is sick. Your husband has been having an affair with a family member for years and you've been subjected to that at family gatherings the whole time. You've been looking for affection outside your marriage for the past few years and you know your marriage is a sham.
What the hell are you still doing there?
A happy broken home is better than a ridiculous farce of a marriage. What is that teaching your children? And what good is it for any of you?
There was a reason your husband went outside the marriage - what was it? Whatever it was, it seems to still persist.
I think you need to move on, lady. Give yourself a chance to have a real, sustaining relationship. I don't think you're a slut; I think you're looking for happiness and I'll tell you one thing - you're not going about it the right way. End this sham and move on.
@Mame,
Quote:You've been looking for affection outside your marriage for the past few years and you know your marriage is a sham.
The marriage is indeed a sham however she seems hardly to be looking for affection given that she is jumping from one bed to another and I am not the only one, at least I do not think so, that think any cheating by her husband was a godsend to her as an excused for her own actions.
She is hooked on the thrill of having affairs. I hear of speed dating but this woman is doing speed affairs.
@BillRM,
Quote:that think any cheating by her husband was a godsend to her as an excused for her own actions.
I, for one, do not think she thinks her husband's cheating was a godsend. I don't think she, or anyone here, knows whether she would have cheated had he not cheated. I get the sense that she was hurt by his actions. But I do think she has convinced herself that her affairs are somehow justified by her husband's affair. Two wrongs never make a right (or so the saying goes.)
@CoastalRat,
Come on I can see perhaps an affair as a paid back for his claim misdeed but not a large greyhound bus full of lovers including the husband. of her husband claim mistress.
That is just a woman having one hell of a good time at least in her opinion using the excuse that her husband had have an affair.
@BillRM,
What does the red NSFW mean?
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