My view is that sometimes men do wake up to themselves, and they need help to sort themselves out...but it is worth considering that his text message may be another manipulative event.
In the text, my main concern is this line I've placed you under a lot of pressure. I see why you left... to get the pressure off
. In saying this, he has distanced himself from his abuse, and failed to take full responsibility for his actions.
I see that I've been too demanding and highly judgmental.
I would consider asking him what he was too judgemental about. The wording of his response will tell you whether he truly recognises what the problem was, and whether or not he takes responsibility for his actions.
Accepting responsibility for his actions holds true for any genuine remorse, and is the foundation of change.
The main show of remorse and true will to change though, is if he will attend counselling (as he won't know how to sufficiently change by himself), and ask for your support throughout it (I'm not talking acceptance of outbursts, but support to change - which will involve support as he rearranges his jealousy to trust, and his conflict management skills, which may be something as simple as him asking you to let him have some alone time while he thinks things through on how to handle or explain an event etc)
Chai - you sound like you actually believe your views.
I think marriage one of the most valuable institutions in the world, and my view is that many of the luckiest people on earth are those that are happily married for life.
That said, the vow of marriage does not overrule safety, and it does not overrule happiness (spending 20 years in an unhappy marriage is idiocy if there's any way out of it for you - at the end of your life, it was your happiness that made it memorable and worthwhile), and it does not overrule self-respect (which is an important part of long term happiness)
Anytime you put up with disrespect from people close to you, you lose some self respect. The more you put up with, the more self-respect you lose (if you do not stand up for your own respect long term, you are essentially saying to yourself 'I deserve this disrespect')
Making claims based on faith, which go against these principles, may lead people into relationships that end up in greater abuse. It may lead people into relationships that end in a lifetime of unhappiness. It's fine to stress the importance of marriage, but please make sure it is balanced by advice that genuinely helps people be safe, happy (long term)...and not living in an abusive relationship.
Being abused (just verbally) through poor conflict management skills is not the same as living in an abusive relationship, which occurs through a lack of self esteem, fear, jealously, and need for control...or through pure nastiness. Of course many who abuse through fear, jealously etc, also possess poor conflict management skills...and this combination falls squarely into the latter category of pure abuse.