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Emotionally Abusive Spouse. What do I do?

 
 
Reply Mon 1 Oct, 2012 04:03 pm
My husband an I have been married for barely two months. When we first started dating he was attentive, sweet, interested in my thoughts, and open minded. He went out of his way to do sweet things for me, and really swept me off of my feet.

Then one day, a few months before our wedding, he said something rude to me. It hurt my feelings but I chalked it up to stress. The wedding was so close and everyone was stressed out. He started becoming hyper obsessed with my past relationships. He destroyed some of my books that referenced countries I'd visited saying that they would remind me of my exes (who were all ethnic). He would say rude things to me about having been intimate with other men before him. He got on my computer, rifled through my files, documents, and history confronting me about anything he found that seemed suspicious. He was sure I was on dating sites, or talking to exes behind his back. After he blamed me he would apologize, coddle me, and treat me well again. Eventually I had to password protect my computer.

This all resulted in a come-to-Jesus meeting with him, his family, and mine... it was determined that he was just too stressed after everything that had happened and from then on until the wedding he functioned like my loving-man again, deeply sorry for the distress he's caused.

After the wedding we had 3 beautiful weeks of marital bliss then BAM. Not only did his previous behavior flare up again it was more frequent and more intense. Everytime we would pass an attractive man, anywhere, he would get aggravated and make a rude or sarcastic comment to me. When I told him that it hurt me he would insist he had only been joking and that I was "too sensitive".

He constantly berates me for my sexual past. I wasn't a virgin when I married him and he had waited for sex until marriage. He knew at the very beginning of our relationship that I had been intimate with other men, and he assured me that it didn't matter because he loved me. Now I'm constantly punished for it. He shames me for having an IUD saying that I got it so that I could "sleep around". He once counted on his fingers, in my face, how many men I had slept with. His views on sexuality became rigid and though he was a pornography watcher for a long time he bashed me constantly for having at one time been interested in "True blood", claiming that I was only interested in the sex scenes. I can't even read romance novels anymore because he thinks I'm using them to replace him.

I felt compelled to have sex with him frequently. If I said "no" he would either become hurt, feel rejected, or get angry. Eventually I stopped feeling any sexual attraction towards him because I always felt so disgusting and uncared for. However, I still remained intimate with him, sometimes participating more than twice a day to keep him happy. Everytime I said "no" he laid on the guilt or the shame.

I told myself I would stay, that we would work through it, that we could because we loved each other. Between his episodes he would treat me like the most important woman in the world. "You're my queen", he would say. He would be that sweet, loving man that I fell in love with and I would feel comfortable again.

The other night I was feeling sick and denied him sex. He acted upset but I'd been advised not to inquire about his feelings. We climbed into bed, turned off the lights, and then he commenced to talk...talk...talk... about how I would have sex with him if he were my "ex" or if he were "this man", and he didn't understand why I had such a sordid sexual history (which I don't). I didn't speak, I let him go on. When I refused to answer his irrational questions he clapped his hands near my ears and said "Hello?" he then commenced to tear the blankets off of me, roll me over and hold me down forcefully so that I would have to listen to him. I struggled and he finally released me and left the room. I was so upset that I got up, got dressed, and was preparing to leave to stay at my parents house for the night.

He intercepted me at our bedroom door, grabbed my arms, and threw me back into the room. He closed the door and snatched my phone away from me so that I couldn't call anyone. He demanded "Where are you going?" when I started to cry he turned and punched the door hard enough to crack the wood all the way through to the other side.

Eventually he told me he would drive me to my parents house. He did, but he kept my keys and in the morning he came to the house. When I heard him coming in I hid in the bathroom. He stopped through the house, woke up my brother and demanded to know where I was. Eventually I had to face him, but with my brother there I felt more comfortable. He acted ashamed and sad. He gave me back my keys but sat outside the house for a long time. Eventually my sister in law picked me up, asked him not to come to her house... he didn't.

Now he's constantly texting me, asking me to work it out with him, saying he'll go to counseling (which he's promised before... but then refuses to saying that he doesn't have a problem). He acts ashamed, sad, and very apologetic. He begs me not to leave.

I think I need to mention, also, that he has threatened to commit suicide numerous times if I ever left him. "I'll just run off a bridge", "I'll set this house on fire with me in it, I can't live without you", "I'd rather be in heaven anyway"... and such.

I'm just worried because things escalated so quickly. He had NEVER hit anything before we got married. Suddenly he was punching walls and doors, and throwing things.. (he threw his wedding ring once). Within weeks he's graduated to forcefully handling me.

I love him. Or, I love the man that he is when he is level emotionally. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid for myself (though he swears he would NEVER hit me and that I'm overreacting about his throwing me back into the bedroom), and I am unsure about our relationship.

Am I being over the top with expecting that he'll eventually become physically abusive? Or is this a valid concern?

Though I love him, isn't it better to remove myself from such a volatile and unpredictable relationship? We've only been married 2 months. Should I give it more time or am I right to suspect that it will never change and seek an annulment?

So sorry for such a long post but I'm desperate for impartial and unbiased advice. Help. I feel destroyed about this on the inside.
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Mon 1 Oct, 2012 04:17 pm
@WynneWynne,
If you give it more time, the wall isn't going to be the only thing he punches.

I think you can tell that these are screaming red flags. Your family has seen his behavior. Stay with them. Don't even go back to your house if you can help it (and if you must, e. g. to get a bank card or clothes or medication or whatever, take your brother with you and try to go when your husband is at work). Ignore his threats of suicide. He is only making them in order to emotionally manipulate you.

Hang in there. You are a lot stronger than you think you are.
0 Replies
 
Diane
 
  3  
Reply Mon 1 Oct, 2012 10:28 pm
@WynneWynne,
I agree with everything Jespah said, just want stress the importance of getting out of the house and the marriage as quickly as possible.

This guy isn't just emotional, he is dangerous and not fit for any relationship. Just make sure that he knows you are serious--don't fall for his 'charming' behavior. It is vital that you remain consistent; don't give him any reason to think that you are starting to weaken or he will never stop trying to get you back.
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Oct, 2012 12:29 am
@WynneWynne,
google 'cycle of domestic violence'
0 Replies
 
WynneWynne
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Oct, 2012 08:35 am
I know what you guys are saying is true. What's so insane is that I wasn't raised to put up with that kind of crap. I stumbled into an emotionally abusive relationship once before quite a few years back but took the initiative and got the heck out of dodge fairly early on before the relationship became too serious.

After that time I told myself I would -never- put up with that... -ever- again. Now I feel like I've fallen into the cycle, you know?

I've moved out of the house and haven't spoken to him or replied to his numerous text messages... I've read so many internet resources on abuse, I've bought books on emotional abuse and how to heal and separate yourself from it and he fits the bill of an abuser in so many ways... but there he is...

The following is a real text-message. The last one he sent me this morning after 3 days of no direct contact.

"I've been foolish. I saw my wits end and realized something... I've placed you under a lot of pressure. I see why you left... to get the pressure off. At first I felt crazy and "everything is lost". I see that I've been too demanding and highly judgmental. Not only with you, but ones that I love. I had to seek God, and bring my life back to order. One thing I am for sure of - Love is patient. I love you; therefore, I will be patient. I see that being a husband means being unselfish. You don't have to call, you don't have to text... I've been a man with child-like expectations. First step is forgiveness... so I ask that you might forgive me."

What's so sad to me and what hurts me deeply is that either this is a contrived message to make me feel guilty for being gone and he's being openly manipulative (which is screwed up) OR he legitimately means every word he says, is truly sorry, and truly believes that he'll never do it again... in this case he has to endure a lot of real pain as well because in his mind he will truly believe that I just gave up on him for something small.

In the past he has often cautioned me to leave him. Demanded that I divorce him because I don't deserve to be treated the way he treats me.

He turns right around to say "I would -never- leave you, no matter what you did. I love you and if you left me I would probably die... but you should leave me and have a happy life."

I KNOW these signs. I SEE the red flags. I understand all of this from an experienced perspective (both of my brother's were also in emotionally and physically abusive relationships)... but I'm frustrated because it's still so DIFFICULT to cut the bonds. There's still this little part of me that's saying "You're his only hope." I wish I could squash that out.

I love him, but I know that it's dangerous for me to continue our relationship. To date he has been both the best and worst man I've ever known.

Any other internet resources or otherwise that you guys might know of... feel free to share. I'm in between insurance right now and can't go to a counselor myself for a while yet, so I'm trying to self educate to bolster my courage and strength in this situation.







Aldistar
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Oct, 2012 11:01 am
Is he on any medication? It sounds like he could have a serious case of bi-polar disorder. Is his job stressful?

I agree that you did the best thing by leaving and it may end up needing to be permanant, but it sounds like he needs a major psychological evaluation. Can his family tell you if he has ever exhibited behaviour like this before? If this is a new developement in his personality it could be caused by any number of physical ailments.

Of course, he could just be a controlling jerk and managed to pull the wool over your eyes for so long, but I try to give the benefit of the doubt.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Tue 2 Oct, 2012 11:09 am
@WynneWynne,
If he really means it, he'll agree with you if you tell him to get help, and he will actually go.

Because that is where the rubber meets the road (I have been typing that a lot lately). If he goes - awesome. There are people who recognize that they have royally screwed up, see they are sick, dangerous, what have you, and do make an effort. Then there are those who are screwing with you. Which is he? Play the therapy card.

Good luck.

You are not worthless. You are not losing your judgment about people. You are going to come through this okay.
0 Replies
 
Diane
 
  2  
Reply Tue 2 Oct, 2012 11:52 am
@WynneWynne,
WynneWynne, here is a link I found on google, making use of Vikorr's suggestion.
http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/

As I said before in another post, don't fall for the charm, it is never real and will never last and it just escalates the problem.
0 Replies
 
Joe Nation
 
  3  
Reply Tue 2 Oct, 2012 02:49 pm
W W

Get out of this relationship.

Otherwise, in five years, you'll have been dead two.

Joe(go now)Nation
0 Replies
 
Chaitukpr
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 2 Oct, 2012 04:36 pm
@WynneWynne,
Hello Wynne,

I read your posts...patiently and repeatedly. I repeat patiently and repeatedly. All that we readers do is just read one side of the event and support.

So, I should be supporting you and asking you to leave him and lead your own life just like every1 out here. I Suppose you are a Christian and made a Covenant before god (sorry - not that you do not know this, but wanted to just share this with you). So what about upholding the promise - for good and bad, in rich and poor, in health and illness we will not leave each other...??

Now, let me come to your part (please note am not supporting him either) - The main problem he is going through is your past and nothing else. I wonder when you both are married for good, he need not have digged your past. Hahahaha, that is what a man is !! is it not? He keeps on remembering everytime he kisses you, comes closer to you that you are used (or) felt by a different man in the past. This causes a rage inside him. This is very tough thing for any male species on this earth to Contain and gulp down while this is different for female species.

May be for this reason, in the past elders used to advise females to stay Virgins until marriage and do not commit any sexual sin (fornication - sex before marriage). Well, those days were best, but practically not applicable now.

Well, the Solution for you is - not to end your marriage...Its just 2 months !!! are you in your senses?

The way he abused you emotionally (which he sure did) when he thought of your sexual past, its the same way he feels love towards you now, after he texted you.

I CAN BET....I REPEAT I CAN BET - He truly loves you....No doubt about it. But (I am adding but), he needs help to overcome your sexual past and all those hindrances. Now, as a wife if you cannot help him (because he gets enraged r sumthin whenever he faces you) please take help of your relatives and help him. I REPEAT HELP YOUR HUSBAND, HELP HIM. What if you go and marry someone else in future, will he treat you nicely?? Can you answer to this Q? Can you guarantee?

There are lots of marriages where women went through Love, Abuse and there was a moment when their male was changed for good and Love blossomed back. All the credit goes to the patience of such loving good wives.
Patience and Endurance is what you need to have.

Please talk to him with smile on your face - "Honey !! I love you, I urge you to please forget my past, I am here to live with you for the rest of my life, and Yes in Christ, I forgive you. I understand your depression and I believe that you will not repeat it. Becos honey you love me as much as I love you". Check out his response. Live with him

Wynne - Its hard for me 2 believe even when your man is coming back to you for forgiveness and with repentance you are not forgiving him and its just 2 months !! Common Wynne...please dont give-in yourself for the advise of this world....every1 says break this marriage...but 1 day for sure you will miss him badly...trust me.

Go back to your flesh....Go back to your man....some how I believe he will take care of you the better way. Ups and Downs are normal in any married life...Be Prayerful and Be patient always. When Kids come, When they play all the wounds will heal looking at them. Trust me.

I am a BIG NO for this marriage to END....BLESS YOU IN CHRIST.


Butrflynet
 
  3  
Reply Tue 2 Oct, 2012 06:08 pm
@Chaitukpr,
Quote:
Go back to your flesh....Go back to your man....some how I believe he will take care of you the better way. Ups and Downs are normal in any married life...Be Prayerful and Be patient always. When Kids come, When they play all the wounds will heal looking at them. Trust me.


Bullshit.

What she has described are not the usual ups and downs of a marriage. Being prayerful and patient while waiting for kids to come and make all the wounds heal is the worst thing anyone could ever want to be inflicted upon a woman or the future child.

Wounds from abuse, verbal or physical, do not heal just by looking at children.

No one should trust your advice in this instance.
Chaitukpr
 
  -4  
Reply Tue 2 Oct, 2012 07:43 pm
@Butrflynet,
@Butrflynet,

For just a moment, it looks its ok to go ahead and live. Any Woman in her married life commonly faces abuse (verbal/physical/emotional) the census themselves say its almost 78%.

Now is the solution to end marriage? Will not all marriages on this earth end in such a case? Yes man by nature is beast and Woman by nature is compared with flower. There is a difference. Even after Wynnes husband is begging for forgiveness and asking for repentance? through God. Should Wynne make her heart hard and move on?

I am myself touched by that sweet msg he posted to Wynne. Any Woman will not end a marriage for 2-3 punches within 2 months, it will only show how impatient she is. I dont think Wynne is like that otherwise she wouldn't have come her for advise.

I am surprised that everyone out here are advising her to end marriage, whats wrong with you all??

@Wynne - I will say onething - Kneel down and open up your heart to Lord and ask him, what to do. Leave your own flesh (husband) and move on, else accept his apologies, forgive him and live him. You Said you still love him, ain't you? Than regretting after leaving, its better go back to him, he is your life, he is your love, you know better than any of us.

We all can only advise you our opinions....but you are the one to decide your future. I Can only Say be mature for you reap what you sow.

Take Care my friend.
0 Replies
 
WynneWynne
 
  5  
Reply Tue 2 Oct, 2012 07:56 pm
@Chaitukpr,
Sir. You are full of lies.

You are in NO WAY a person who lives in God's word if things like "No woman leaves after just 2-3 punches in 2 months"... which, by the way, I reported you on.

What you MAY be is a man (or woman) who twists the words of God to fit his/her own selfish needs.

I ask for you to no longer post on this discussion because you seem to be only out to start a fight and not to give practical advice. You seem to be quite a zealot actually... in such an UNREAL way that I can't help but think you're making things up to cause issues.

Your arguments and suggestions are so irrational that if you continue to post then I will continue to report you.

Chaitukpr
 
  0  
Reply Tue 2 Oct, 2012 11:12 pm
@WynneWynne,
hi Wynne,

Its OK...I am Sorry if I hurt you anywhere. My only focus and advise to you is please do anything to save your marriage. Marriage is more worth than losing a relationship.

I am very Sorry again.

Take Care..
Joe Nation
 
  5  
Reply Wed 3 Oct, 2012 08:23 am
@Chaitukpr,
You're an idiot.

Joe(two or three punches ...jeez)Nation
0 Replies
 
Chaitukpr
 
  0  
Reply Wed 3 Oct, 2012 01:00 pm
@WynneWynne,
I am not God Wynne...I am again very sorry. May be I hurt everyone out here with my remarks specially (2-3 punches thing)....am sorry again.

Wynne you are always free to decide your path. I would say only one thing hold-on for a second, re-think and implement. Remember Lord in everything.

Everyone here....Sorry if I hurt any one.

Take Care.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Wed 3 Oct, 2012 01:46 pm
@Chaitukpr,
Chaitukpr wrote:
Marriage is more worth than losing a relationship.


is marriage worth more than safety and life?
Chaitukpr
 
  0  
Reply Wed 3 Oct, 2012 09:24 pm
@ehBeth,
Dont know Beth...its with the person who went through the abuse (or) if it is life threating...then probably yes life is more valuable.

But if he is really repenting and asking for forgiveness should we still say 'Good Bye', and then your heart says 'You love him'.....shouldn't we give him a chance?

But again, I am not pressing for this....its with Wynne and her decision.

Take Care
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Thu 4 Oct, 2012 12:56 am
@Chaitukpr,
My view is that sometimes men do wake up to themselves, and they need help to sort themselves out...but it is worth considering that his text message may be another manipulative event.

In the text, my main concern is this line I've placed you under a lot of pressure. I see why you left... to get the pressure off . In saying this, he has distanced himself from his abuse, and failed to take full responsibility for his actions.

Quote:
I see that I've been too demanding and highly judgmental.
I would consider asking him what he was too judgemental about. The wording of his response will tell you whether he truly recognises what the problem was, and whether or not he takes responsibility for his actions.

Accepting responsibility for his actions holds true for any genuine remorse, and is the foundation of change.

The main show of remorse and true will to change though, is if he will attend counselling (as he won't know how to sufficiently change by himself), and ask for your support throughout it (I'm not talking acceptance of outbursts, but support to change - which will involve support as he rearranges his jealousy to trust, and his conflict management skills, which may be something as simple as him asking you to let him have some alone time while he thinks things through on how to handle or explain an event etc)
--------------------------------
Chai - you sound like you actually believe your views.

I think marriage one of the most valuable institutions in the world, and my view is that many of the luckiest people on earth are those that are happily married for life.

That said, the vow of marriage does not overrule safety, and it does not overrule happiness (spending 20 years in an unhappy marriage is idiocy if there's any way out of it for you - at the end of your life, it was your happiness that made it memorable and worthwhile), and it does not overrule self-respect (which is an important part of long term happiness)

Anytime you put up with disrespect from people close to you, you lose some self respect. The more you put up with, the more self-respect you lose (if you do not stand up for your own respect long term, you are essentially saying to yourself 'I deserve this disrespect')

Making claims based on faith, which go against these principles, may lead people into relationships that end up in greater abuse. It may lead people into relationships that end in a lifetime of unhappiness. It's fine to stress the importance of marriage, but please make sure it is balanced by advice that genuinely helps people be safe, happy (long term)...and not living in an abusive relationship.

Being abused (just verbally) through poor conflict management skills is not the same as living in an abusive relationship, which occurs through a lack of self esteem, fear, jealously, and need for control...or through pure nastiness. Of course many who abuse through fear, jealously etc, also possess poor conflict management skills...and this combination falls squarely into the latter category of pure abuse.
Chaitukpr
 
  -1  
Reply Thu 4 Oct, 2012 08:56 am
@vikorr,
hi friend,

It looks like you are judging each sentence of his msg and not looking at the broader perspective of what his intent is. Finally, he is 'REPENTING' and that is what you should look at....pleasseeeeeeeeeeee.

Now, coming to staying in marriage happily..yes we do need to be happy in marriage. Its our right, but is not marriage a Covenant? I dont see a reason why Wynne need to leave him even of his genuine repentance.

WHATS WRONG GOING BACK TO HIM AND GIVE HIM A CHANCE !!!

Sorry @wynne if I am hurting you again....its still you and you to decide.

Guys and girls please watch this video if you can -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMyNWVdDjPE

 

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