Sun 29 Feb, 2004 03:25 pm
God Doesn't Like South Australia.
What have we done? Eaten shellfish? Cast our seed upon the ground? WHAT?!
Hoe do I know this, you ask?
Well, of the three Australians killed so far in Iraq II, I KNOW two were South Australians - and I am not altogether sure about the third, she muttered darkly....
Now, we are a small (in population) state in a small (in population) country. We have a teeny (there is a rumour that, after a couple of those nasty "friendly fire" incidents, US soldiers were issued with ripple sole boots - "To avoid stepping on the Australians" - when the American brass mistook descriptions of the size of the contingent for descriptions of the size of the actual soldiers, but I digress...) contingent of soldiers over there, and sundry other folk.
Statistically speaking, very few of these people are likely to be from South Australia - right? It HAS to be god's war, right? Because people like Bush said so... So, how come at least 66 and two thirds percent of the Australians killed have been from South Australia - and not even soldiers! A photographer and a helicopter pilot!
That looks personal.
Connecticut has lost 3 or 4 people, and this is a state that is 5,554 square miles with a population of about 3 million.
Hah! You think you got small!
We have an entire mainland geo-political entity (it is almost a state) with its own Parliament (and a very snazzy Parliament House) and proper laws and everything - all for a population of 250,000.
Well, I say 250,000, but I happen to know that five of them just left for Canberra, because they emailed me. So - all that for 249,995 people.
It is called the Northern Territory - and it used to be run as an adjunct of South Australia.
It is one of those very blokey places - you know - beer is the local currency - men are men and nubile domestic livestock and wild animals are nervous - where Crocodile Dundee was conceived, to thumb his nose at ingenuous Americans, but I digress...
Always had very right wing governments - run as a sort of fiefdom by the Premiers - macho men, all. Anyways - they elected a LEFT-WINGISH government last time!!!!! Run by a WOMAN!!!!
Now, we have had two female premiers before - both times when the ruling party was making its bloody, bowed way to certain electoral annihilation - only inches from the doomed finish line - with senior cabinet ministers desperately competing with each other NOT to be holding the baton when the reigning premier croaked his last, and passed the poisoned chalice...
But, the blokey, bigoted Northern Territory elected a woman for real - and a bonza Sheila (desperately looking at Australian idiomatic dictionary to find these outdated phrases to please my audience - if I have one) she is, too.
First of all are you certain that is the population or the number of ticket holders for the next Australian Open?
Secondly if it's still only "almost a state" what's it an adjunct of now?
Er - without wishing to be 'orrible, if'n they be young, they tend to die less...
The crocodiles try their best, of course - but they mainly just get the tourists..
Thinking Australians have been cowering in fear since the announcement that the US will intervene in Haiti - because we are scared that our Prime Minister, John Howard, will show humiliating eagerness to go too...
He has managed to turn us from the Lucky Country, as we once yclept ourselves, into the Sucky Country....
I can imagine the telephone conversation now.....
White House Secretary: Mr President, it is John Howard.
Secretary: John Howard.
Bush: Who is he?
Secretary: The President of Australia, sir.
Bush: Australia...isn't that part of Old Europe? I don't think we speak to Old Europe, do we?
Secretary: Not AUSTRIA, Sir, AUSTRALIA.
Secretary: Big island in the Pacific, sir.
Bush: Oh, THAT Australia! Jack, how ya going?
Howard: Very well, George..er that is John, by the way.
Bush: Yes, yes, of course, Jim. What can I do for you, Jack?
Howard: John, George, John.
Bush: John George? I thought you were John Howard?
Howard: I am, George.
Bush: Oh, like I said, what can I do for you, Jimmy boy?
Howard: (Sighing resignedly) Well, George, we are wondering if you would like some help with Haiti?
Bush: With Haiti? We got enough people hating us, Jed, without you helpin' 'em! (guffaws)
Howard: No, no, George - I mean, would you like some troops for Haiti - you know, like with Iraq - we'd like to help you in Haiti, too.
Bush: Did you help us in Iraq, Jimmy? Did we shoot any of your boys and gals by mistake - or was that Canadians? (mutters - can't tell these damn little countries apart...)
Howard: There WEREN'T any Canadians in Iraq, George - and you didn't shoot any of us...
Bush: So - Haiti - so, you guys are Spanish speaking, right? That might help...
Howard: No, George, we speak English.
Bush: ENGLISH!? (To someone in the background..."Hey - didja know the damn Aussies speak English? I always thought it was German...")
Howard: So (desperately) George, do you want our help with Haiti?
Bush: Where'd ya say you were from again, Pete?
Howard: Never mind, Bill, never mind...
Daddy has a Harbor Seal
It's going to South Australia
It's looking for dlowan
And it's bringing paraphenalia.
Daddy has a Harbor Seal
They work so well together
Daddy's into chains and stuff
The Seal is into leather.
BBB checking in, lookin around
Just remembering the seal bassin in that alpine zoo in Austria..lia ...
Does Jes know yer bad-mouthin' her like that?
Well, this isn't from Australia, but it is from Australia's own ABC (aka, like its Brit mummy, "Auntie") and is so odd that I felt I had to include it:
"Hunter called as piggish guest found to be terrible boar
A German hunter stabbed a wild boar to death in a stairwell after the beast rammed through the bolted front door of an apartment bloc and stormed up to the sixth floor, a Berlin newspaper reported on Tuesday.
The beast from the local forest sped past a group of children playing outside and into the building in a Berlin suburb, probably in search of food.
Petrified neighbours peered through their spy holes fearing their doors would not hold - and called 36-year-old hunter Conrad Meyer.
"I grabbed him around the neck and then stabbed him square in the heart with my hunting knife," Mr Meyer told the BZ daily newspaper, which showed him in traditional green hunter's hat and camouflage kit dragging the carcass away.
Wild boar often cause havoc in Berlin.
Last April one jumped into bed with an elderly couple and in January a man was hospitalised by a boar when it crashed into his living room."
We do not have wild boar in our cities (although feral pigs are a nuisance in rural areas) but we do have plenty of wild boors, so the story struck home....
You'll find such stories at least once/week in German/Berlin papers, and some (private and public) tv station will show once per week a film on that :wink:
(The here quoted 'BZ' is a more tabloid paper, run a serie on the boars last year.)