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Help Settle an Argument??

Forums: Relationships
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Serene,
Many women who are abused feel in some way that they don't deserve a happy, loving relationship. The fact that you are willing to step away from a very degrading environment says a great deal about you. You are brave. Stay brave. You deserve a healthy, positive life and most importantly your kids deserve to wake up each morning to a house free of fear. You say that he is a good father. He isn't. When he puts you in fear, he puts fear into his children. He is hurting them as much as he is injuring you. Take everyone's advice and get help. You'll need support in the months to come. Bill is right. If he hits you once, he'll hit again.

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Re: Help Settle an Argument??

soserene wrote:

okay...here it goes...
1. Age range (by decade atleast) I'm 24 he's 33

2. Who takes out the garbage? mostly him I help when there is more than he can carry

3. Have you EVER had more than twenty bags stacked outside your back
door? no, unless you count when we moved

4. How many times have you had to change the oil, check it, put brake
fluid in etc.(f)? whenever the sticker says it is due

5. Who does the stuff like.. changes light bulbs(stupid example i know)?both, whoever is the one around when it goes out

6. Does dishes? we take turns but it falls on him more than me

7. Do you feel anxious at all leaving the children in his care (female)? no children, but i would not worry

8. What is the percentage ratio of household chores to each? honestly he does a lot around the house, but i think it all evens out

9. Do you make his plate?(female) or (male) does she make your plate
for you? both, he does most of the cooking and he will make my plate when he does. when i cook or bake i make his plate and give him the best portion

10. Are you employed? Full or part time? significant other?I am full time he has been unemployed since christmas

11. Who has the majority of the control over financial stuff. completely 50/50

12. Who runs the errands? pays bills, deals with landlords, loans etc.I run most of the errands and write out checks to bills

13. Do you trust him to go to the store and get the right thing(female)? definitely, he will even get the *embarrasing girlie* items for me

14. Does he ever offer to go to the store for you (f)?yes especially when I am sick

15. Has he ever even BEEN to the goddamn store? definitely yes

@!

I AM SO STUPID!! I'm sorry I just answered before I finished reading the whole tfread. Still I hope my answers had some kind of positive influence

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Walked into it? I don't think I can agree with that. You may have known he had a violent past but did you go into the relationship knowing that he would definitley hit you? Or just knowing that he had hit women before but had never hit you yet? And the thing about being a good father? I can't agree with that either. "The most important thing a man can do for his children is love their mother." I forget who this quote is from at the moment but it is the truist thing I have ever heard. Children are experts at picking up on the feelings of their parents, if you live in fear of the next moment then so do they, trust me. It is important to get away from this man and keep him from those children. I know someone in a similar case and she ended losing custody of her children to the monster (4 girls) and now he beats them and his excuse is that he has to beat out the parts that are their mother because he can not stand her. Please don't let your guard down!

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1. Age range (by decade atleast)
32-32
2. Who takes out the garbage? I do (f) 90% of the time

3. Have you EVER had more than twenty bags stacked outside your back
door? definitely not

4. How many times have you had to change the oil, check it, put brake
fluid in etc.(f)? let's see we've been together for 13 yrs (not married) neither of us has changed the oil, we both check it pretty equally, brake fluid umm maybe once or twice. How many times have you asked her to? (m)

5. Who does the stuff like.. changes light bulbs(stupid example i know)? I definitely do that 99% of the time (f)

6. Does dishes? For 12 years I did the dishes 95% of the time. Now we have a dishwasher...heaven......I still wash the pots by hand. (f)

7. Do you feel anxious at all leaving the children in his care (female)? or
(male) does she take the kids if she leaves the house? we don't have children

8. What is the percentage ratio of household chores to each? 60(f)-40(m)

9. Do you make his plate?(female) or (male) does she make your plate
for you? plate? I'm assuming dinner? He's a great cook. We do it 50-50

10. Are you employed? Full or part time? significant other? Full time employed plus teaching 12 hours aweek after work and on weekends. He is self employeed and has much mroe free time.

11. Who has the majority of the control over financial stuff. we share it. We pay everything 50-50

12. Who runs the errands? pays bills, deals with landlords, loans etc. He deals with the landlord...I pay bills. we don't share any bank account we each have our own. I pay my own student loan...we just paid off the car

13. Do you trust him to go to the store and get the right thing(female) yep? or
(male) If you go to the store, does she find something to *itch about?

14. Does he ever offer to go to the store for you (f)yes, he loves to go grocery shopping..we love food, we love to cook, we spend hours literally making dinner
Do you ever offer to do ANYTHING nice for her(m)?

15. Has he ever even BEEN to the goddamn store? yes, all the time

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Equalmar, you sound like a young me...

I guess I should add that we never fought about these matters, they just naturally happened from the beginning, to some big degree by natural inclination. Our team behavior of general balance/equality wasn't the result of long hammering out type discussions. We didn't have children either, and I can easily envision dives in work equality happening to people who are sort of evenly distributing to start with - I could see that taking real discussing. Thing is, I think men benefit from attachment to their children, and (usually) the children do, whether or not is 50/50 time allotment for the parents.

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Yep.

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Re: Help Settle an Argument??
(if your answer is "both" please use a percentage)

1. Age range (by decade atleast) 20's

2. Who takes out the garbage? me (in exchange for never having to do dishes)

3. Have you EVER had more than twenty bags stacked outside your back
door? never more than 1

4. How many times have you had to change the oil, check it, put brake
fluid in etc.(f)? How many times have you asked her to? (m) 0

5. Who does the stuff like.. changes light bulbs(stupid example i know)?
both
6. Does dishes?
not me
7. Do you feel anxious at all leaving the children in his care (female)? or
(male) does she take the kids if she leaves the house?
you shouldn't be with someone who can't take care of kids.
8. What is the percentage ratio of household chores to each?
I do about 50 -60 %
9. Do you make his plate?(female) or (male) does she make your plate
for you?
not unless we've cooked a fancy dinner and are doing it to be nice.
10. Are you employed? Full or part time? significant other?
school and freelance work. Full time for the other. School for my roomate.
11. Who has the majority of the control over financial stuff.
We don't share finances
12. Who runs the errands? pays bills, deals with landlords, loans etc.
My roomate - very trustworthy. She is the owner of the house, so it is sort of her domain.
13. Do you trust him to go to the store and get the right thing(female)? or
(male) If you go to the store, does she find something to *itch about?
itch about?
14. Does he ever offer to go to the store for you (f)?
Do you ever offer to do ANYTHING nice for her(m)?
yes
15. Has he ever even BEEN to the goddamn store?
of course

This shouldn't even be an argument. If someone doesn't respect you don't be with them.
Relationships are all about respect. You have to have absolute mutual respect when you are sharing a life and your body with someone.

Especially if you live in a small town - don't settle. The prom king there might be a street beggar in new york city.

Turn away and never look back - no exceptions - if there is violence. If I were you I'd consider moving - I am from Missouri and know how hicksviille it can get. Why don't you get out of there, move to Kansas city or a nice part of St. Louis? You know, the suburbs. You can get the kids (if you have them) a much better education and the quality of living is higher.

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Re: Help Settle an Argument??

soserene wrote:

Why I'm asking is a long story... but in short, I need ya'lls help to settle a little argument... actually it's becoming a big arguement... If you are single, use your last relationship that you lived with someone...
(if your answer is "both" please use a percentage)

1. Age range (by decade atleast)i'm 20, he's 30

2. Who takes out the garbage?he does

3. Have you EVER had more than twenty bags stacked outside your back
door?nope, 5 once(eww)

4. How many times have you had to change the oil, check it, put brake
fluid in etc.(f)? I usually get that done at the gas station.

5. Who does the stuff like.. changes light bulbs(stupid example i know)?Probably him

6. Does dishes?Him

7. Do you feel anxious at all leaving the children in his care (female)No children
8. What is the percentage ratio of household chores to each?he does at least 60%
9. Do you make his plate?(female)
for you?He makes my plate.

10. Are you employed? Full or part time? significant other?I'm part time, he's seasonal.
11. Who has the majority of the control over financial stuff. I do, of course.
12. Who runs the errands? pays bills, deals with landlords, loans etc. I do.
13. Do you trust him to go to the store and get the right thing(female)? No I don't trust him.

14. Does he ever offer to go to the store for you (f)? yes he offers

15. Has he ever even BEEN to the goddamn store?Yes.

Based on answers, I may have to ask some of ya more if you don't mind.

Thanks@!

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Re: Help Settle an Argument??

Portal Star wrote:

(
Turn away and never look back - no exceptions - if there is violence. If I were you I'd consider moving - I am from Missouri and know how hicksviille it can get. Why don't you get out of there, move to Kansas city or a nice part of St. Louis? You know, the suburbs. You can get the kids (if you have them) a much better education and the quality of living is higher.

*GASP* NOOOO way.. I"m scared!!! of Scientologists, four lane highways, diamonds, subways, vampires, beggars and little children who only "pretend" that they like you.... No no no no no no way.

I went to St. Louis once... and had to stop at a part of town that you couldn't use the bathroom in a convenience store.... and it had like a bank teller thing... you tell them what you want and they put in this thing then, it swings to the outside... very scary... omgosh.

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Tell us more...

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Tell us more...

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Re: Help Settle an Argument??

soserene wrote:

Why I'm asking is a long story... but in short, I need ya'lls help to settle a little argument... actually it's becoming a big arguement... If you are single, use your last relationship that you lived with someone...
(if your answer is "both" please use a percentage)

1. Age range (by decade atleast) 27

2. Who takes out the garbage? BOTH OF US

3. Have you EVER had more than twenty bags stacked outside your back
door?
NEVER

4. How many times have you had to change the oil, check it, put brake
fluid in etc.(f)? How many times have you asked her to? (m)

NEVER...my husband always does this

5. Who does the stuff like.. changes light bulbs(stupid example i know)?
I DO (f)

6. Does dishes?
BOTH OF US

7. Do you feel anxious at all leaving the children in his care (female)? or
(male) does she take the kids if she leaves the house?
NO NOT AT ALL...and when I leave the house usually 50% of the time he will watch them for me.

8. What is the percentage ratio of household chores to each?
me=85% him=15%

9. Do you make his plate?(female) or (male) does she make your plate
for you?
HELL NO

10. Are you employed? Full or part time? significant other?
NO I stay at home with the kids because childcare is too expensive....(still working on my masters so we can afford childcare someday...hehehe)

11. Who has the majority of the control over financial stuff.
HE DOES

12. Who runs the errands? pays bills, deals with landlords, loans etc.
I DO

13. Do you trust him to go to the store and get the right thing(female)? or
(male) If you go to the store, does she find something to *itch about?

NO...HE WILL ALWAYS MESS SOMETHING UP!!! AND YES I USUALLY HAVE TO *ITCH ABOUT SOMETHING WHEN HE GETS BACK FROM THE STORE BECAUSE HE NEVER FOLLOWS DIRECTIONS

14. Does he ever offer to go to the store for you (f)?
Do you ever offer to do ANYTHING nice for her(m)?
YES HE DOES

15. Has he ever even BEEN to the goddamn store?
LMAO....YES HE HAS

Based on answers, I may have to ask some of ya more if you don't mind.

Thanks@!

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