Help Settle an Argument??

ohhhooomy. {giggle}

Oh my indeed!

First, standard disclaimer -- I doubt any answers will help settle the argument. Just keep talking, try to come to some sort of a compromise. But I'll give it a shot.

1. Age range (by decade atleast) 33

2. Who takes out the garbage? Usually hubby, sometimes me.

3. Have you EVER had more than twenty bags stacked outside your back
door? NNNNNNNnnoo...

4. How many times have you had to change the oil, check it, put brake
fluid in etc.(f)? How many times have you asked her to? (m) Maybe twice? Never asked. (Didn't start driving until I was 27.)

5. Who does the stuff like.. changes light bulbs(stupid example i know)? Whomever just saw it go out. Probably me more than him.

6. Does dishes? Have a dishwasher -- he usually loads, I usually unload.

7. Do you feel anxious at all leaving the children in his care (female)? or
(male) does she take the kids if she leaves the house? I don't feel anxious, anymore anyway, did for a while when daughter was tiny (she's 3 now.)

8. What is the percentage ratio of household chores to each? Uhh. I dunno. Whatever feels fair. If it doesn't feel fair to one or the other of us, we re-negotiate. Also depends on definition -- how does everyday care of a three-year-old fit in there? (Fixing all meals, cleaning up after all meals, starting art projects, cleaning up after all art projects, etc., etc...)

9. Do you make his plate?(female) or (male) does she make your plate
for you? "Make his plate"? Like, put the food on it? Depends on the food, how rushed we are, any number of things. Probably (sheer guess) 15% I put the food on his plate, 75% we put our food on our own plates, 10% he puts the food on my plate.

10. Are you employed? Full or part time? significant other? I'm a consultant and do a lot of volunteer work, mostly a stay-at-home mom. He works his li'l butt off. 80 hrs +/ wk.

11. Who has the majority of the control over financial stuff. Majority? Control? I guess hubby since I stopped working, but no major decision is made solo. We have separate bank accounts.

12. Who runs the errands? pays bills, deals with landlords, loans etc. I see errands as separate from the second part of your question -- grocery shopping et al. I do a lot of the everyday errands, he tends to do more bill-paying sorts of things.

13. Do you trust him to go to the store and get the right thing(female)? or
(male) If you go to the store, does she find something to *itch about? I trust him.

14. Does he ever offer to go to the store for you (f)?
Do you ever offer to do ANYTHING nice for her(m)? Yes.

15. Has he ever even BEEN to the goddamn store? Hee hee... Good luck, soserene...

**deleted due to it was "against the rules of the bet**
SOrry

I'm reading..... I have only briefly lived with a guy once.

1. Age range (by decade atleast)

Roughly the same as me. (I am 50 - and female, BTW) I am answering for a number of relationships over the years, by the way!

2. Who takes out the garbage?

Last partner, we both did. Previously, with other partners, I did.

3. Have you EVER had more than twenty bags stacked outside your back
door?

NO!

4. How many times have you had to change the oil, check it, put brake
fluid in etc.(f)? How many times have you asked her to? (m)

I always got my car done at the mechanics - except in one relationship, where the fella adored machines, AND used my car as much as I did. I paid the mechanic.

5. Who does the stuff like.. changes light bulbs(stupid example i know)?

Whoever was first person there changed lightbulbs. I admit the fellas changed tap washers and such.

6. Does dishes?

Predominantly, I fear, me. Last relationship, he did more, cos whoever cooked didn't wash, and I cooked more.

7. Do you feel anxious at all leaving the children in his care (female)? or
(male) does she take the kids if she leaves the house?

I don't have kids - but I would never have felt concern about leaving kids with any fella I have loved.

Then again, that is how most women whose kids were abused by partners have felt, too.

Mind you - I work in the area of child abuse, and I often would have seen warning signs that the women whose kids I work with didn't.....

8. What is the percentage ratio of household chores to each?

Last relationship - hmmmmmm - equal, to him slightly more - every other time in my life, I would have done WAAAAAAAAY more.

9. Do you make his plate?(female) or (male) does she make your plate
for you?
Huh? I don't know what that means.

10. Are you employed? Full or part time? significant other?

Full time. Last partner, ditto. Previously, I was always either full-time employed, or full-time student, plus employed. A couple of partners have been unemployed at times.

11. Who has the majority of the control over financial stuff.

Equal. I - except twice - always had more money.

12. Who runs the errands? pays bills, deals with landlords, loans etc.

Equal.

13. Do you trust him to go to the store and get the right thing(female)? or
(male) If you go to the store, does she find something to *itch about?

With the odd little quibble, absolutely I would trust the fella.

14. Does he ever offer to go to the store for you (f)?
Do you ever offer to do ANYTHING nice for her(m)?

Sure.

15. Has he ever even BEEN to the goddamn store?

LOL - of course!

The bet's til midnight... I'm SOOOO winning this bet.

1. Age range (by decade atleast)
I am sixty, my ex husband is fifty

2. Who takes out the garbage?
whoever was standing there when the bag got full.

3. Have you EVER had more than twenty bags stacked outside your back
door?
when we remodeled, but they weren't bags, we rented a big trash container; otherwise nooooooooooooo.

4. How many times have you had to change the oil, check it, put brake
fluid in etc.(f)? How many times have you asked her to? (m)
he checked the oil sometimes; mostly I had fluids checked in my car at the gas station or mechanic's, same with him for his car.

5. Who does the stuff like.. changes light bulbs(stupid example i know)?
whoever is there when it goes out.

6. Does dishes?
whoever didn't cook; I probably cooked, oh, 2/3 of the time.

7. Do you feel anxious at all leaving the children in his care (female)? or
(male) does she take the kids if she leaves the house?
no children

8. What is the percentage ratio of household chores to each?
equal: he would sweep, vacuum; I would dust, we would both do laundry depending on who was working at home. We were married quite a while and who did their work at home switched a couple of times. I did most of the yard work, he built the deck; we both worked on the remodel.

9. Do you make his plate?(female) or (male) does she make your plate
for you?
make his plate? whoever cooked usually served up the plates in the kitchen. If we had guests, which we often did, whoever cooked had the other one helping fix the table and bring the food on platters, etc., opened the wine, keep people talking, which was usually not a problem.

10. Are you employed? Full or part time? significant other?
both worked at least full time, sometimes with school too, though some of that work was done in home office.

11. Who has the majority of the control over financial stuff.
whoever had money (we had separate accounts) at the time paid the bills; this switched back and forth over the years, long story.

12. Who runs the errands? pays bills, deals with landlords, loans etc.
we each ran our own and we often grocery shopped together, for example at Trader Joe's.

13. Do you trust him to go to the store and get the right thing(female)? or
(male) If you go to the store, does she find something to *itch about?
yes, because he was quite competent at shopping, remember, he is a good cook.

14. Does he ever offer to go to the store for you (f)?
Do you ever offer to do ANYTHING nice for her(m)?
Sure.

15. Has he ever even BEEN to the goddamn store?
See above - many times.

We did divorce, but it wasn't about housework!

double post

1. Age range (by decade atleast)- 35

2. Who takes out the garbage?- I did

3. Have you EVER had more than twenty bags stacked outside your back
door?- That is flat out F@@king disgusting.

4. How many times have you had to change the oil, check it, put brake
fluid in etc.(f)? How many times have you asked her to? (m)- Take it to pro

5. Who does the stuff like.. changes light bulbs(stupid example i know)?- I did

6. Does dishes?- Not me

7. Do you feel anxious at all leaving the children in his care (female)? or
(male) does she take the kids if she leaves the house?-Never applied

8. What is the percentage ratio of household chores to each?-90/10 her. If she doesn't like it; I'll hire a cleaning person.

9. Do you make his plate?(female) or (male) does she make your plate
for you?- Yes she did (but she seemed to like it, honest)

10. Are you employed? Full or part time? significant other?'- Me; Full+, her part time

11. Who has the majority of the control over financial stuff.- I pay for all but grocery.

12. Who runs the errands? pays bills, deals with landlords, loans etc.- Bills online, no landlord

13. Do you trust him to go to the store and get the right thing(female)? or
(male) If you go to the store, does she find something to *itch about?- Of course.

14. Does he ever offer to go to the store for you (f)?
Do you ever offer to do ANYTHING nice for her(m)?- Of course.

15. Has he ever even BEEN to the goddamn store?-Of course.

Oh - maybe I misread - I check my own oil and such - always have.

Okay... I win!! This is the deal.. for those that are curious... My.. whatever he is... is always saying that he shouldn't have to do stuff around the house, he works 50 hours a week.. after trying with no results to explain that I work full time too.. AND cook supper AND take care of the kids, AND run the errands and pay the bills.... etc...

Well the other day.. had to get brakes fixed... he says... "I told you to get some brake fluid and put it in..... "then soon mentioned how the kitchen floor needed mopped" Later that night.. I asked him to go get diapers, cuz I had to get supper done before one of the kids had a school function... he was "too tired"

I lost it.. Sick of it.

So, for a week.. I did NOTHING... I've always served his plate and stuff.... he complained every night that I was being ridiculous... I didn't do any housework at all. He proceeded to tell me that if I went to his brothers, or his dads house that I wouldn't find them living like this.. it was a "woman's duty" It is not only respectful. but EXPECTED to have his plate made for him and it was his right ot come home to a clean house...
The trash question.. I am NOT kidding..In trying to make my point, I've been throwing it on the backporch for a good two months... reminding him twice a week to take it to the curb... and he has not moved a single one. He complains if I go to the store, or anywhere else and leave ANY of the three kids here... it's woman's work to take care of the kids. Not only is that BS... EVEN IF I agreed to all that... then it would be a "man's work" to take out the trash.. take care of the vehicle stuff, even if it's taking it ot a mechanic.... and the light bulb thing was petty, I know.. but.. while I was cooking supper and helping daughter with her homework... he comes to tell me that the hallway light needs changed as he passed through to sit his lazy ass on the couch...

So we made a bet.. if I could prove that he was out of line... He would leave...

I win...

Thanks guys!!!!

waitwaitwait, 'he'll leave'?

I don't suppose you'd be interested in a bit of professional counseling?

Lol yes... peacefully and quietly

it's beyond that, but thanks for the advice... I'm a smart young lady with alot to offer.... I've been put down, beat on and taken advantage of too long .... but he said he'd never leave peaceably...

Until now.. if I could prove that he was wrong and I was right... we agreed to find out here....

So let it be written, let it be done!

Re: Help Settle an Argument??
1. Age range (by decade atleast) Late 40s/Early 50s

2. Who takes out the garbage? Usually himself, but if it's more convenient, I do.

3. Have you EVER had more than twenty bags stacked outside your back door? NO! That's disgusting! Oh wait. The day after Christmas. Or when we've been cleaning up the yard.

4. How many times have you had to change the oil, check it, put brake fluid in etc.(f)? Never. He wants to do it himself. But I've taken it to places where they will, if he doesn't have time. How many times have you asked her to? (m)

5. Who does the stuff like.. changes light bulbs(stupid example i know)? He does. He's Mr. Fixit. It's what he lives for.

6. Does dishes? Usually he does. But he doesn't clean the table, countertops and the rest.

7. Do you feel anxious at all leaving the children in his care (female)? Absolutely not! He's a GREAT dad! or (male) does she take the kids if she leaves the house?

8. What is the percentage ratio of household chores to each? We don't keep score.

9. Do you make his plate?(female) or (male) does she make your plate for you? Sometimes I make his plate, sometimes he makes mine.

10. Are you employed? Yes. Full or part time? It varies. significant other? Married.

11. Who has the majority of the control over financial stuff. I do. He can't keep a checkbook or balance a statement. He loves the freedom of not worrying about it, and I love knowing it's all in order.

12. Who runs the errands? pays bills, deals with landlords, loans etc. We both run errands. I pay the bills.

13. Do you trust him to go to the store and get the right thing(female)? Oh yes. He does most of the grocery shopping. or (male) If you go to the store, does she find something to *itch about?

14. Does he ever offer to go to the store for you (f)? Yes. Frequently. Do you ever offer to do ANYTHING nice for her(m)?

15. Has he ever even BEEN to the goddamn store?

Oh, geez! I just read the entire thread! I didn't realize this was so serious! I wouldn't have replied at all if I'd known so much was riding on the answers.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, soserene. I think Osso is right...counseling is definitely called for. Your man seems very tied to outmoded gender roles, and he isn't likely to take your word for it. It will come across much more believably if he hears it from a professional counselor. Preferably a male counselor.

Beaten on?

Not only outmoded.

Wow that sucks. Skip the counselor and get rid of the jerk. I wouldn't wish that on a Steelers fan. :wink: