Help Settle an Argument??

IF I was crying, bill.. you would've just made m day

Sounds, from what you say, as though you are well rid of the jerk, Soserene.

I am sorry for what you have been through - and sorry for the kids - I hope his co-parenting works out, though the relationship did not.

I hope he DOES go peacably - sounds a bit too good to be true after just a bet. Be careful.


ON the lighter side - I HAVE gone on strike about housework before!

I was living with three guys at the time (NOT with all of them in THAT sense, BTW!).

They were, and are, lovely fellas - just bone smegging lazy.

But - they never tried the "it's women's work" crap - and they so couldn't try the "I do the men's stuff" thing either - they agreed it should be shared - we did the roster thing in a million permutations - we did the "I like this bit, I'll do that all the time" thing - we did EVERYTHING.

So I had to leave. It just got to me so badly in the end...sigh.

Soserene - at first I thought making a man leave should be seen as a little more serious than betting on a bunch of strangers opinions. But the I would have said - If he treats you like crap, stop being his maid, pack his shite and tell him to get the fark out. So I suppose I find myself impressed at the same time.


As far as the poll, I'm pretty much like everyone else here except we have a little agreement. He doesn't have to do my laundry because I like the color and size my clothes currently are and he will take out the garbage because I hate doing it. Everything else is even, but I find that I am more and more responsible for paying the bills - which is fine because then I know they're getting paid on time. He's a bit, well, let's call him a procrastinator....

Whoa.

Good for you for being strong, soserene.

Is this the father of your kids, or did he appear more recently?

whoawhoawhoa...back up here. Did soserene say he beats her?! As in actual, physical domestic violence? If that's the case, I suggest she contact a local women's shelter, hire a lawyer and send his ass to JAIL!

I didn't say much about "why" the poll cuz I don't want you guys to think of me any differently, ya know? and thank you for not pitying.. I brought this all upon myself and I knew what I was getting into, I'm not the poor submissive battered woman. I used the word "beaten" too loosely, I suppose. While not making excuses, it's been very few times, and only a backhand or smack, but still.... the worst thing is the fear... the fear that it'll be worse next time... wanting to leave, but being scared that he's out there watching.. waiting.. creepy eh?
He is the father of my last two children, though our first child was conceived as a result of too much tequila, and we never had a relationship up until the last year...
Why?
Because he was in prison for breaking his ex girlfriends jaw...
See? it's my own stupid fault
lol.

Atleast he is a good father.

Soserene, that sounds like some serious sh@t. I feel compelled to tell you something I've believed all my life: There are only 2 kinds of men in this world: Those who are capable of hitting women and those who are not. They never, ever change teams.
Some will tell you that people change, but I don't buy it. There is an inherent evil present in a man who can strike a woman, and although he may fight it; IT CAN NOT BE EXORCISED!
I strongly urge you to seek professional guidance and get out now, before it is too late.

Ps. I also urge you to get out a box of Kleenex, turn up the sound and read THIS.

Wow ...
you have NO idea .....
Her story is the same (cept for the severity)
The reasons...
Her feelings...
even his name...

*gets the chills*

Thank you for sharing with me bill

YES! Thank-you for sharing that with her (((Bill)))

soserene..... I'm sitting here and my heart is beating a mile a minute. I have read this thread all the way through. There is so much I want to say to you. But the most important thing right now.....is please do not let your guard down with him. The chances of him leaving "peacefully" are slim to none since he has already abused you. If he leaves.....he loses his power. His control.

It doesn't matter how often he has abused you. The simple fact is...he has. And because he has......he is capable of so much more then you have even seen yet.

I do not know what state you are from, but I would suggest you seek out the Domestic Violence Coalition in your state. They can help you in so many ways.

As a matter of fact......I believe the site Bill sent you to will have listed resources for all 52 states and also internationally.

There is help out there.

Don't be a silent victim. That's how these guys get away with it.

So ....BE SILENT NO MORE

big hug (((((soserene))) Please do not hesitate to talk to me if you need any help at all. Or just an ear. Anything you want.....I will do my best.

~Brooke

I believe Brooke works for a domestic violence agency if I'm not mistaken, and her reasons for working there are personal.

Could you imagine any idiot who'd smack his gf/wife and think he could get away with it? Especially one as cute as Brooke.

the bottom line in relationships is very simple really;
do you 'want' to be there or not?
if you do (and it doesn't sound very likely in this case) make it work.
if you don't, run do not walk to the 'departure lounge'!

my imput on jobs around the house: No job is specified to a be a man's job or a woman's job. All things need to be done equal, as far as the trash,changing light bulbs, dishes, LAUNDRY. Both of you use it, if it needs to be done then do it, THE ONE WHO SEE'S IT...... Dont leave it for the other to come home to take care of it. It needs to be done... Like I tell my husband you take your clothes off in the back room to jump in the shower,you see a pile of clothes then why not just start a load to help out.(since your right there) I place something in the trash and it falls on the floor because the trash is full then I have to empty it and take it out. Now since i'm cooking dinner and he needs a plate, I'm NOT doing dishes while i cook and he sits on his ass, No you can help me out, by doing them for me to deserve your dinner..... And vice versa on all...

As far as the oil changes well.... Most men know how and want to do that anyway. But if your car needs it ask for help on how!! Get involved.. Dont expect, get dirty together then clean each other up....lol If you know what i mean.. I am a woman that like to work on cars and we take turns, or work together on getting it done..

The best thing to do is comunicate.... If one or the other is overloaded with things to do, then ask for help, or ask him or her to do a job you want done, if they dont want that job, place the chores on the table and pick. And make it fair... example: dinner needs to be cooked, laundry, trash, dishes, and the lights out on the porch..

ask which jobs he would like to do first, let him choose. if all he picks is the trash, say ok how about this, I will cook dinner and do dishes. If you could please do the laundry, take the trash out and change the bulb, after dinner i will help you fold and put away the clothes. Deal? I make his plate and get his drink, if he is cooking I do expect the same treatment. Do to others as you want done to yourself.... I hope this make sence, and i hope it helps.... good luck

Wow! This thread has progressed dramatically.... Soserene - like everyone else said - GET OUT NOW!

I agree and I worry that you might not think it so urgent.

I think it is important to speak with people at a local women's shelter, although that may seem very dramatic, and to an attorney, maybe the attorney first. The background on this is a real warning, not cute, whatever his excuse.

Yes I do work at a Domestic Violence shelter.....just as a volunteer though. I also take abused women into my home on short term basis. Which I won't get into specifics on that.

And thank-you cjhsa for your kind words But there is one thing about Domestic Violence.....it knows NO prejudice.

But women that are being abused can help to stop it.....simply by NOT being silent. Not accepting it as just occasional behavior. Or as something they did THEMSELVES to provoke it. And letting the abuser know that they will see them put in jail.

There are some very wise people on this forum, soserene. And alot of caring hearts.

~Brooke

PS- And as ossobuco said....it IS urgent!

U guys are so supportive, I dont' know what to say... I didnt' mean ya know.. for this thread to turn out like this... but I appreciate it...
Thanks

Serene, I've been there and I know, the first step is always the hardest. You'll be amazed how much your life will change in a short while. Listen to what everyone said above, including the lists. Because they are a fairly accurate idea of what your life is supposed to be like.
You're a smart lady, grab the courage and you'll thank yourself, so will your kids.
My fingers are crossed.

Serene
The father of my son was the same exact way, except the physical abuse was worse. Don't look back.

(((Hugs)))

Damn it. So many asses to kick and so little time. Load the shotguns Gus!

Go get em boys :-D