What is a grandparents role today?

So, what do you think wildflower should do about her situation, soserene?

Perhaps us unfeeling robots think that we ourselves should be responsible for our own children and not expect others (yes, even family) to take on that responsibility. The vast majority of families are very loving, sharing and are happy to help each other. That is a gift not a given. Perhaps sometimes we expect too much and appreciate too little.

There is a difference between "expecting family to take on that responsibility" and playing a role in a child's life.

So when is it EXACTLY that you're child is no longer your concern? 16? 18? after college?

It's my belief, that that never happens. You should ALWAYS do what you can (within reason) for your children.
So.. if you don't do it for your grandchildren, do it for your child... You are ALWAYS supposed to be a role model, someone to look up to.. be someone they can count on.

A gift not a given...??? what? Mothers choose to have children.. it's a given that you will love and care for them and be there for them their ENTIRE life.. not just until you don't want to be bothered.

I say after college, but why is our young son living at home at age 37?

I was referring to the subject of this thread - the role of a grandparent.

If a mother chooses to have a child then SHE is responsible for that child not HER mother. It is a lovely thing for a grandmother to want to assist but it is certainly should not be demanded of her!

In my opinion, parents who have children should be there for them forever. However, when those children then have children of their own, the grandparents are under no obligation to pull up their sleeves and assist with the raising of those children. Any love and care they give is theirs to give freely but no demands or expectations should be forced on them. Yes, they had children (whether a shoddy job was done with their own or not) but isn't it reasonable for the parents to then expect to be finished raising kids when their own move out and start their own families? I am not saying that they wash their hands and everything is all done with. I am saying that their shoulders should be lighter with the children having grown up, moved out and having their own babies - babies whose responsibility is the parents, not the grandparents.

While I know that Wildflower is responsible - I am not saying she is not a good parent but apparently I am having some difficulty explaining - I think a grandparent is not an automatic babysitter. Wildflower would like her mother to be more involved, more helpful, more everything - but the fact is this is not her mothers personality - apparently it never has been. So why get all stressed over it? It's unlikely to change and I find it a useless activity to harbor ill feelings when all that does is eat away at Wildflower and make her less happy. She is, it seems, a better parent than her own mother before her, but is struggling right now with too much on her plate and she is, quite understandably, frustrated. Whether family will be what we want of them, I think we create too much additional stress for ourselves by not letting things go and moving on. Resolving the issue is easier said than done but I hate to see Wildflower seethe like this when I know it's got to be making her feel worse.

*smiles at cicerone*

Eoe- as I recall.. she didn't ask what she should do.... she asked "what is a grandparents role" All through this thread, what I'm hearing is... they don't have a role or a standard, she's selfish for expecting more of her own mother! which, in my opinion is flat out bullshit.

I think she was asking what she should do, even if she never really did, and it looks like she's gotten her answers and taking positive steps forward. So there you go.

You assume you know what she is asking.. now you assume you know her answers?
Instead of speaking for her, maybe you should let her answer for herself....???

Seems to me that she's answered for herself.

Re: What is a grandparents role today?


*edited all but the questions*

OF COURSE the only options are to accept it, or not accept it... that's painfully obvious.. but you can ACCEPT someone or something without necessarily AGREEING, which I am pretty sure is the point she's making. She does not agree with her mother's morals and standards... but she can still accept her because she loves her and she is her mother.

If your sister steals all the time... you can accept her as a person without saying that it's okay to steal.

Absolutely.

I believe that my posts were misunderstood. My original post was about my brother, not me. Both of us have taken full responsibility for our children. Neither of us expect any handouts from anyone. If we expected our parents to take on our responsibility, we wouldn't even bother to have two income families to insure that our children are financially supported. My brother's family and mine both tried very hard to adjust our work schedules so a parent could be able to care for our children. At times, schedules do clash and help is definitely needed.

I left my children alone to fend for themselves because I had no other choice. In order to take full responsibility for my children, I also had to go to work and make sure there was food on the table and a roof over our heads. I lost both job and apartment over this. They weren't mature enough, but old enough to be left alone through a work shift.

I accepted no for an answer from my mother and laid no guilt trip on her at all. My brother doesn't either. While my children were left alone, my parents are retired and live very close. They are financially secure. They have plenty of time on their hands. Why is it asking too much for family help when desperately needed so that you can be a responsible parent? I always appreciated any help I got. I never took my parents for granted. My brother and his wife don't either.

We aren't people to be equated with welfare recipients that think it is a given right that food and shelter be automatically provided for us at the expense of many. Both of us worked for everything we have. Would we get more respect from people if we went on welfare and didn't bother our parents because we didn't have to work for food to feed the family?

Personally speaking, I do feel family obligation, whether it be helping elderly parents, grandparents, or grandchildren. I didn't have to be asked when my 90 year old grandmother called telling me she broke her wrist and wanted to go to the hospital. This was the understatement of the century. She smashed her wrist. I knew immediately it would require surgical repair and she would be in a lot of pain. I took her into my home without being asked.

I even slept with her at night on my fold out couch bed because she was so tanked on Percocet that she was not safe walking without assistance. Her house has too many steps. Her bathroom is on the second floor. My house has a half bath close to the living room and two small, separated steps to get to a car. My home was much safer than hers. I immediately took her home with me after spending the night at her house, with way too many dangerous steps just to get to the bathroom or car.

My mother also refused help with her own mother, leaving me running a nursing home. She reluctantly agreed to take her to doctors appointments, which was the only break I got.

I did the right thing. I helped my ill behaved grandmother because I do love her, no matter how bad she can act. I love my mother also and would do the exact same for her, even though she probably would never do the same for me. I could have not been bothered by family also. My grandmother would have been sent to a nursing home, which would have horrified her. Broken bones heal in time. She wishes to live independently as long as possible at the age of 90. I spared her from a lot of fear and stress by being there with emotional support and helping her through a very difficult time.

My mother is not in the best of health. Her 90 year old mother has fewer problems. I have been there two times in emergency situations that required a 911 call. My mother is diabetic and abused her body for too many years. She has a nonfunctional thyroid and suffers all the long term problems of diabetes, cardiac, circulation, and amputation. I brought my kids to the hospital with me. Sorry kids, but live through it. This is part of life, getting old and your health does leave you. My kids needed to learn compassion and the truth about life. We don't live forever and will have big problems in later years. They did learn. They were there too.

The nurses looked at me like I was insane snuggling up to her in a hospital bed because I was exhausted and she was about to have a lower leg amputation over an infected toe. Someone must have been watching over us. She only had a toe and portion of her foot amputated. Can you imagine the horror of losing your leg? I made sure that I spent every second I could with her, even if the nurses looked at me like I was insane stuffing my way in next to my mother in a hospital bed. She needed someone to help her through this. I was there, with kids. I brought snacks, toys, or anything I thought might keep them entertained. My kids were there too. They learned something very valuable by this experience.

Does this sound like a selfish person who expects without appreciation? If I willingly, without ever being asked, helped my elderly family through fearful issues and stayed with them to the point of exhaustion, why can't my mother watch my brother's kids when there is a conflict in schedule without complaining?

Are we throw aways the second we are in need? No one wants to be bothered to help. No one wants to be in the position of having to ask for help either. It is an inconvenience. What kind of person can really ignore the needs of their children who are trying very hard to make it?

Economics have changed. It is about impossible for the traditional stay at home mother and a man to provide the income necessary to support everyone. Sorry, but most jobs don't pay this much. Women are expected to financially contribute in today's culture. Enable your children to be responsible adults without treating them and grandchildren as a waste of your valuable time. Help your elders when they need it. It is the right thing to do, not a selfish expectation.

You may live to regret the things in life you didn't do a whole lot more than the things you did do. Who could ever regret helping someone in need? You may very well live to see the day you regret being so selfish and self centered that you couldn't find the time to be bothered with your family. If you can't see something wrong with this picture of not helping family in need, you better worry about the day you meet your maker. This is so wrong.

I presume you are speaking to me directly since your post is in response to mine above. Let me tell you something - I have been posting in response to your initial question in which you asked "What is a grandparents role today?" I gave you an opposite opinion to your own. I have no worries about "meeting my maker". I am a loving person who is close with my family and who are you to say I am selfish and self centered - you do not know enough about me because I have only shown you a very specific opinion on a very specific issue here, and you also do not know anything about what I have done or would do for any member of my family. I am not telling you that families should not look out for each other, in fact, in a perfect world we would all do all we could for each other - lovingly. I am simply poking your theory that it should be absolutely expected. Remember free-will is a wonderful thing. I detest that a person is REQUIRED to be something because they are deemed a grandparent. In your case you mother and grandmother had you there when they needed you. Knowing what I do of you, that would be how I imagine you would handle it. You would put aside any disagreements and step up to the plate. But you are asking about why your own mother would not do the same for you (or your brother) and you already know the answer to that. Presumably you inherited your personality traits from your father.

My post was not intended to any singular individual at all. I gave my thoughts about family obligation. No one person is under particular scrutiny for my post at all. Please, don't take anything I said personally. I never intended my views to be perceived as an attack on anyone. I only wished to express my own view is all. We are all entitled to our own views and expression without attacking anyone, which is what I intended.

I hope members can think about my words is all. Please, do the right thing by your family. You wont ever regret it. You may regret not helping when needed in the future and live with guilt. This is all I was trying to say.

I don't know the answer to problems of raising children in a two income family. I don't know the answers to the right choice for elderly family. I only know what I am willing to do, which many would find completely overwhelming and not able to give. This is a very ok thing as long as you are honest about it, not making some stand of independence, when it is clear that all cannot live without help from family and be independent and self sufficient. Either we end up in a nursing home or on welfare if family wont enable responsibility and independent living.

If you can't help, at least be honest and say so. I can and do, even though I know that the same family are not able to help me for their own reasons. I am an RN, a job that many couldn't stomach and I clearly know why. It is all about the ugly in life, which you grow accusom to seeing as a nurse. Most people do not practice medicine and are not exposed to what I have been. It was a complete shock to me, as a new nurse, but very adept as an experienced one.

Are we supposed to expect the same standards from those of other professions and differing psychological ability to deal with problems that are old news to an experienced RN? No way! We all have strength as well as weakness. Many cannot tolerate deterioration of an elder or the responsibility of the younger generation.

My ill behaved grandma, I can't say would not help with family. She cared for her dying husband through cancer to the end. She did everything possible to get him treatment of the time. She started drinking liquor to numb her so that she could do it, but she did everything you can imagine to keep him comfortable, down to changing sheets because cancer apparently went to his brain. This was difficult enough for her to use liquor to tolerate. She hates hospitals to this day. In her day, things were so much different and I understand her fear. She has seen enough, at the age of 90. Medical care wasn't so humane years ago.

He wasn't easy to deal with, but she did care for him until death. My grandmother is old, but strong willed. I can't say that she is well behaved because she isn't. My mother is not psychologically capable of being a strong person. She goes into flips over things that don't merit it and has to be calmed down. It isn't reasonable to have the same expectations of her.

Maybe my grandmother and I can handle things, but my mother can't. My mother flakes out with emotion. She also disappoints me with her bail outs utilizing any means of opting out only because she can't deal with the reality or help and only cause problems. I expect better out of her, but I'm never going to get it. I have a big problem with her dishonesty. Why wont she just say that this is more than she can handle? No, I hear bail outs, like I have heard from members, "It's not my problem!"

My grandmother loved me and I know it. She manipulates and lies. She has not treated my mother well, just with abuse that hurts her. I love them both, no matter what their evils are. Both do have good in them, as we all do. We don't want to acknowledge our own evil, like it doesn't exist. Yeah, right! Tell me another good joke.

None of us are so perfect. It takes a lifetime of striving to be a better person. I strive for that. Other people are complacent and feel that they need no improvement. Well, if you think that, you are mistaken.

I apologize if anyone took my post personally. This is not at all what I intended. Maybe I did use a singular quote. That quote was the voice of many, not anyone in particular. Don't misunderstand my intent. I want to make people think about themselves and love for family is all. I used one quote that spoke for many, but it was never intended for any singular individual. I saw the quote as a broad opinion of current culture, which is why I used it.

I think the grandparent have an obligation to the granchildren as far as making sure they know they are loved. Thats it.

Biologically speaking, the role of grandparents has always been to help raise the grandkids. That's why humans have menopause. Rather than have children until the day they died, leaving orphans, women underwent menopause and helped their children raise their offspring. It was a biological strategy that obviously helped increase human population.

Only three mammals undergo menopause, and the other two are the pilot and killer whales.

I'm 49, and some days I feel like a killer whale, coluber.
Thanks a lot.

I'm not surre if your reply is sarcastic or what, Eva.

To those women who bemoan menopause, imagine what it would be like to be pregnant at 72 and without modern medical care. This is what early humans would have face without menopause.

One major role of the grandparents is the application of wisdom to the young ones. In our youth oriented pop culture, wisdom is lacking, and the grandparents are the one chance that children have to be exposed to it. Don't expect that the kids will get it from their parents—assuming they have wisdom to give—as they are too busy,

Sorry, I thought it'd make you laugh. Bad joke, I guess.

Early humans didn't live as long as we do. Most of them died by 35 or 40 and missed menopause altogether. People were grandparents by 30, sometimes earlier, helping to raise both their grandchildren and their own later children at the same time. That is why people lived communally.

Oh, and please don't make light of menopause and its effect on women. It can be a very difficult transition. Joking about it often helps.

I knew a woman who started going through menopause. Her doctor told her the same thing, that in the distant past women didn't live long enough to go through menopause. If that were true, menopause wouldn't be a fact now. Menopause was a huge factor in the evolution of humans or pre-humans. I don't know when our ancestors first evolved that strategy, but as I said earlier, menopause is rare in mammals.

The reason it worked in humans was because more offspring survived with help from a menopausal grandmother than would have survived if that same woman kept bearing children until the day she died. This was probably because children are take so long to mature.

I got this information from an old article by Jared Diamond, which was published in a Natural History magazine.