What is a grandparents role today?

Wildflower63 - I think that grandparenting today has many approaches, from hands off, to becoming completely involved in each others' lives. The important issue is that whatever style the generations choose, they need to be in agreement with one another, and not do what they do out of duty, guilt, or some perceived obligation.

At thirteen and seventeen, it sounds like you are attempting to frame out a blueprint for living for your kids. YOU have a concept of grandparentling that may or may not be consonant with what your children want. The fact that you are pushing, and worrying, when your children are so young, indicates you have a need to control your children,...............and from what you say, your mother.

I would suggest that if you want any kind of comfortable relationship with both your mother and your kids, MYOB, and stop atttempting to mold people into YOUR idea of how things should be.

This is a very interesting topic, and one that I actually wanted to address the other day...
I had three kids by the time I was twenty.. my first being when I just turned 16... I'm not going to give you any "hard knock life" story and all that, and don't misunderstand, I love my mother with all of my heart.. She is my best friend and I don't know what the hell I'd do without her... but anyway... I've been pretty much on my own since I was 14... my mom moved out, not me, lol, and I didn't really know my father. She paid the bills and stuff for me and my little brother, who was about 10.. but we pretty much handled everything on our own. Every since I was 11 or 12, my mom always told me that when I grew up and had kids, not to expect her to raise them. She stressed it even further when she found out I was sexually active, and on a daily basis when I was pregnant with my first child. I guess.. being impressionable and young, I thought that was normal and that the grandparents who took part in the lives of their grandchildren existed only on television. Now my mom has grown up, lol. She takes them camping every once in a while, and takes them to do the "fun stuff," and we were talking here about a year ago and she was saying how proud she was that I raised my kids on my own, and that she had friends who raised their grandkids more than their parents. To this day... 8 years later, I have asked my mom a grand total of five times to watch my kids... and it was never for recreational reasons.. Only because my job depended on it or something like that, and I had exhausted every other avenue. She did, of course.. even cancelled concert tickets because she knew I wouldn't ask unless I was desperate and she didnt' ever complain or anything... anyway...
When I had my five year old daughter, her paternal grandmother didn't even know of her existence until she was almost a year old, and I had never met her... Needless to say, I was never in a relationship with the father at that point... When she found out, she called all the time, wanting to know if she could have her for the weekend, or to see that since she was on vacation, if i needed a few days to myself, etc... I chalked this up to her feeling like she missed out on the first year of her life.... Well, later down the road, I ended up getting into a relationship with the father, and had another child.... and it still is just amazing to me. That woman would bend over backwards for these kids.. she keeps atleast one weekend a month.. including my oldest daughter, that isn't even blood related to her...
So any of you grandparents out there who thinks that taking the grandkids to an amusement park once a year, or taking them to the state fair, or coming to take them shopping is preferable to consistent contact on a regular basis.... you are wrong. You may be "super grandma" in teh kids' eyes for now, cuz you are always doing the fun stuff... but it doesn't stay that way for long. In another post about what we are going to do when we get old and retire, I stated that I was going to get a cabin in the mountains and surround myself with my grandchildren and teach them to sing and do crafts and stuff.. lol... it probably stems from the fact that my mom doesn't do that for my children, and that's just the way it's supposed to be.

While I respect this opinion, I disagree completely. Only someone who came from a non dysfunctional family wouldn't...... lol

Re: What is a grandparents role today?


I'll keep it simple.

No.

When people decide to have children, they are signing on to take care of those children. No one else is signing on for that job. If grandparents want to be involved, either as caregivers or fun providers, that is their decision to make. If they offer to help, that's very kind, but they're under no obligation to do so.

Yeah.

This also seems to assume that the grandparents are geographically close -- my daughter's grandparents live about 7 hours away (in different directions), and while they visit when they can, the childcare stuff you're talking about isn't an option.

Soserene, thank you for sharing your parenting experience! I bet you did have it a bit rough with your kids! At least you had fair warning. My mom always gave such mixed signals and still does. I am concerned about my brother's family, not my own. My kids are way too old to need a babysitter, maybe an armed guard! lol!!

Personally, I feel an obligation to my kids beyond the age of 18. I don't understand my mother's view. She never worked at all, ever. She retired when my brother and I were no longer her problem. My dad climbed phone poles in his 60's, with much resentment of living in poverty when he retired. My mother is self centered. I have know that all my life.

I don't understand why she feels so put upon by her grandchildren. As I already stated, I know there is no obligation at all on the part of a grandparent, but question what members feel about this.

As it turned out, my parents aren't so impoverished by my father's retirement at all. My mother will spend mass money on gifts for the kids. She has always complained if they didn't visit. My parents have asked for my kids many times to take them somewhere, which I never objected to. She wanted them only on her terms. She even wants my kids to bring my pup over to see her, so she wont be scared of her as an adult dog. Don't ask her to watch kids for a few hours. Suddenly, she is a inconvenienced.

My husband's parents divorced. She is funny, my mother in-law. She had two kids, boy and girl, just as I did. She is horrible with kids. She admits to a preference of having cockroaches instead of kids. She works even after retirement, but has always helped if needed.

My kids were always bored to death because no matter how hard she tried, she just doesn't get kids at all, but does love her grandchildren and did try when we needed someone to watch the kids only with work schedule conflict, not recreation.

She did work and had responsibility when my kids were young, but would care for them if needed. My mom had no responsibility at all, but it wasn't worth asking her because of the constant complaining. My dad cheerfully takes grandchildren and loves to see them, but also has to listen to my mother's complaining, which limits him.

My father in-law is about as lousy with kids as my mother-in law. He is a retired college professor and tries to lecture and educate endlessly. My kids thought it was like a death sentence being sent to my in-laws. I don't criticize them at all. My kids just didn't know any better, people who care and try. They did try, but were lousy with kids, where my parents are great with them, but my mother gets so horrible with parents, not the kids.

My kids always liked going to my parent's house. I can't say the same for my in-laws, no matter how hard they tried. They just never did get kids at all, which isn't their fault. They did try and still do. The Harry Potter toothbrush, as a gift, did my son in at about 15 years old. I laugh at that one! My son never thought it was too funny. At least they tried!

My parents live seven houses down the street! I'm past the point of needing a babysitter, just an armed guard with teens. My brother isn't. My mother will complain if she misses her nap or a trip to Sam's over watching kids for a few hours. She acts like it is destroying her life. I don't get it!

She isn't my babysitting problem anymore and hasn't been for a few years now. She is busy giving my brother and his wife a total headache. She has to have everything on her terms. I wish she would make it clear just what those terms are!

She watched my daughter when I went to college. Now, I wish that I would have put her in day care. It's a debt that can never be paid. Either give willingly or not at all! I think it is wrong of her to watch my daughter and later tell me of all the strings attached. I stopped asking for her help with my kids leaving them alone for a shift biting my nails the whole time. I had no other choice if I wanted to have the bills paid. They were older, but I felt they still needed supervision.

My brother's kids are entirely too young for any option of leaving them alone. They don't ask me because their daughter is horrified of animals, especially dogs. My declawed cat is enough to flip her out. My Lab was too big. She died. I have a Boxer pup that adores everyone, but still horrifies my niece. They don't ever ask me for help because of my pets that I adore. My house isn't exactly childproof because I have teen kids. I wouldn't mind caring for their kids at all, but they object to my pets.

I think my pets are an equal family member and refuse to shut them in the basement begging at the door to get out. My pets aren't used to this type of treatment and I can't do it to them over an irrational fear of animals, which I feel my brother should have not coddled for so many years that an actual phobia has occurred with his daughter over animals. So, they don't bother to ask me, even though I would love to have my niece and nephew.

I don't understand why people make the choices they do about caring for children of family. I don't object at all and would welcome the young ones into my home. Should we make it clear to family just where we stand with watching kids for reasons of necessity? Is my mom as awful as I think she is taking kids when she feels like it and complaining when needed for a few hours? Not to mention the life sentence of debt owed for it. What are the rules as a grandparent or are there any?

I love kids and animals, so I may not be the most understanding person in the world when it comes to this subject. I do feel strong family obligation to do good by the younger generation. Parents of today do need some help considering it takes two incomes to survive, at least I see it that way. Should family feel any obligation?

I think that part of the problem is that parents need to take responsibility for their children. It is one thing to have a reasonable expection for grandma to take the kids in a pinch, or during a limited emergency.

It is reasonable to want the grandparents to take a part in the children's lives, up to the level of THEIR ability and wishes. It is quite another to think that it is a DUTY for the grandparents to assume a significant part of a child's upbringing.

When my son was going through a divorce, and when my son got custody of her, my granddaughter lived with me for a number of summers. I did not do it out of any sense of obligation, but the fact that I loved the child, and wanted to make a rough time easier for my son. I was happy to be able to help. I do not believe that it was an obligation, though.

I am with Phoenix absolutely. Your mothers attitude is neither right nor wrong - it is simply her attitude. When you love somebody you love them as they are and if she is so uncomfortable with caring for grandchildren her feelings are worthy of respect however inconvenient it makes life for you.

Sosorene - are you saying that anyone who doesn't agree with your opinion comes from a dysfunctional family?

I learned at my mother's knee: "Don't spend other people's time or other people's money."

I have no grandchildren of my own and 13 step-grandchildren. I've never minded babysitting when I was asked. I have definite objections to having kids dumped on me on short notice--and by one branch of the family with NO notice.

I also have distinct reservations about watching "grandchildren" who do not send their grandfather birthday cards, Christmas cards or Father's Day cards. Treat your father like a stranger, kids? Well, you can hire a stranger.

So Wildflower, if your mother has been this way all your life, why expect different now? You hurt and disappoint only yourself waiting for adults to behave outside of their norm.

LOL to the contrary as a matter of fact.. I"m saying that my opinion probably doesn't mean a darned thing, since my family is so dysfunctional hehe

Eoe, I guess that I have always expected something better from my mother. There is an abusive relationship between her and her mother, of 90! I have seen it rip her self worth and confidence apart all my life. My mother is an only child who honestly wanted to do better by my brother and I than what was done to her.

Abuse was never mentioned in her day as it is recognized today. Believe it or not, as far back as I can remember, every time my mother stepped out of the house, she called her mother to tell her exactly where she was going and called her the second she got back. Even a kid can see something drastically wrong with this.

Unfortunately for me, I'm the only daughter, who she considers next in line for the same abuse that was put upon her. Not that I haven't explained the difference between respect for elders and abuse so many times to my mother. She just cries is all, but does nothing.

She forgets the fact that she has family beyond her mother, who she will never stop trying to please. The rest of us are out in the cold because she devotes so much energy towards a known abusive relationship, but will not stand up for herself, leaving the rest of the family to suffer the many ills of this.

My mother lies about having my brother's children in her home only because her mother dislikes his wife. What? She didn't do this with my children only because my granny likes my husband more than I do. My brother, unlike me, has a successful marriage.

I fail to understand why my elderly mother lies to her very elderly mother about her own grandchildren. Not mine, but my brother's children. I am a little too old, as my kids are, to have to deal with their screwed up relationship. Unfortunately for my brother, granny doesn't approve of his wife, thus his children.

Absolutely, I expect better from my mother. I have told her many times the difference between abuse and respect for elders. My mother continues the same pattern, which she attempts to put upon me. I don't accept this sort of thing at all.

I guess there is a bit more to the story than what I posted, a sick family relationship.

Wildflower--

Amazing that just tweaking one little loose end can reveal such emotional havoc.

Don't waste your time yearning for the impossible. Your mother is not going to grow wings, win the lottery or sort out her legacy of childhood abuse. Neither is her mother.

Heal yourself, love your kids and anticipate your grandchildren. They may remain twinkles in parental eyes right now, but in ten years your arms could be full--and all your pretties stashed up high for safety.

Good luck.

An therein lies your problem. At her age she is not going to change. IMO what you need to do is let go of the dream of a better relationship with your mother, and just move on. By hanging on to the fantasy of her being the mother that you want her to be, you are allowing her to control you. For your sake, just let it go!

It would seem I am in the opposite situation.

My mother would LOVE for me to have children and move close by so she can dote on them and I continue to work. I am of the opinion that if I were to have my own children that I will be their caretaker and provider. I would not be comfortable with anyone else raising my children. I believe that is first and foremost the parents responsibility - not the grandparents. If I cannot afford to stop working then I will have to take work that enables me to be at home - there are plenty of jobs available and I would do what I have to. If I allowed them, my parents would rush in and offer to do too much. I am lucky I guess, but this makes me want to do it myself all the more.

Besides, I told my mother (when I was 13) that I was never getting married and I never wanted any children. She didn't believe me then, but she does now! She still looks at me with those puppy-dog eyes hoping I'll change my mind and spit out a grandchild for her. I love her but I don't live my life for her and I don't expect her or my dad to be at my beck and call for the rest of my life - even though I know I can rely on them in tough situations. I only have to ask and they would come running.

Wildflower, just for the record, I think it's important to realize that we all stem from dysfunctional families. It just seems to be the nature of the beast.
It's up to you to move passed the hurt and disappointment you feel about your mother. Expecting her to be something or someone that you know she's not is a big waste of your time. Her mother is top dog there and there's nothing you can do about that. In the meantime, don't swing too far to the opposite and smother your own kids, browbeating them about marriage and children. They're still so very young and that's the very last thing that either one of them should be thinking about.
I never had any children and married a man with three grown kids so I anxiously await our first grandchild. But not before my steps are ready. I hope that my role as a grandparent is to love and spoil my grandkids and then send them home for their parents to deal with. You know. The traditional one.
As far as your mother not wanting to take the grands except on her own terms, well, that's really her perogative. She has the right to make that decision and you have the right not to like it. But she doesn't sound nearly like the monster you've tried to make her out to be. You say that your kids liked going to her house? Well how bad can she be?

Thanks everyone for your thoughts on this subject, even if some things I didn't want to hear. I don't guess many of us like the truth too much when it comes to matters close to the heart. I love my mother very much. I don't always like her.

She really can be that bad. She isn't all bad though. She makes the entire family miserable with ill behavior that I thinks she should know better than to act like this. I am talking about too many things to list! She sure would never tolerate her behavior out of me or my brother growing up.

She was always big on right from wrong, but doesn't seem to see it in her own behavior, which does confuse me to death. There are so many things that she does that I see as clearly wrong. Here is the part I hate. She is the one who taught me!!!

I guess that I was looking for an answer to correct a few problems, like the headache she is giving my brother and his wife. From all good advice given to me, I guess that I have to accept her as she is, not how I think she should be, which is what she taught me to be, a decent person. I don't think she lives up, even close, to the standard which she raised me or my brother to.

I desire to control no one, not my mother or kids. I do worry about everyone I care about when I see a problem that is hurting them, like this abusive relationship with her mother. I am not thrilled to see how my brother and wife are treated either.

As far as my kids giving me grandchildren, I would never pressure them into a responsibility, such as being a parent, that they did not choose for themselves. As much as I would love grandchildren in the future, I could never guilt my children into this type of decision. It is far to serious.

Having grandchildren or not is not what I object to at all. It is a matter of right and wrong, ethics, morals, or whatever you want to call it. You don't have to agree with differing life choices of any loved family member. You should respect their choices, as I feel my granny should show some respect to my brother's wife.

I am definitely not above joking and teasing my kids, but they know me. I have a wicked sense of humor. They know the difference when I tell my daughter she is just awful when she carries on about why she doesn't want children. She says babies are gross. They slobber. They make too much noise. They make a huge mess, like she doesn't!! The diaper thing makes her ill. Oh, the list goes on and on with her.

I roll my eyes and tell her she is being just horrible. She knows the difference in tone. When I think she has breached ethics, my tone and what I have to say is very different. My son is convinced that a woman is trying to rob him financially and of his freedom of choice by having children. Try telling these kids that life doesn't really have to be so grim because they decided to have children. Forget it!

I don't have to like it if they both decide to have no children. I will grow fangs if I think they are doing wrong to themselves, another person, or society. I want my kids to be decent people, that's it. I want the same for the rest of my family, but I don't see it out of the person who taught me this, my mother. This isn't a control issue, but a moral one.

I don't understand what the role of a grandparent of today is. I have my own ideas of what I think a participating family member should be. I believe you should help loved ones. I don't believe in enablement of poor behavior or lack of responsibility.

The role of a grandparent is confusing to me. From all input, which I greatly appreciate, I find there are not rules at all. I do have to state a bit of disappointment in that. I feel that family should be an important part of your life that you should be willing to share with the younger generation and help with the needs of your own children who are trying, on their own, to make it with a two income family, which is a necessity today.

Are my expectations of family or people, for that matter too high? If they are, I am bound to be hurt and disappointed. Maybe that is the problem. I don't know.

It is not that it is too high, or too low, it is just that the expectations are yours. Apparently, you don't even consider the feelings and expections of other people, if they don't coincide with yours. IMO you need to understand that different people have different expectations of how things ought to be. You don't have to LIKE other people's views and expectations, but you need to come to grips that other people have the right to live their lives in the manner that they desire.

Wildflower--

Unfortunately there is no Great Rulebook In the Sky with the rules for Situations in Life inscribed in letters of fire. We all muddle along.

Right now, far better that your kids are rebelling by objecting to a possible role as parents rather than rutting around and reproducing immediately.

Has your mother's behavior changed dramatically since you and your brother were children? How old is she? When was her last thorough physical?

You have grasped one of the great secrets of adulthood: No person is loveable 100% of the time. This includes your mother--and by all means, toss me into that group as well.

Tolstoy said that all happy families are the same, but each unhappy family is miserable in its own way. Perhaps you should start taking notes for a three volume, tearjerking saga--even a mini-series?

Good luck.