What is a grandparents role today?

I have a friend who I term as "high maintenance". I am a very laid-back don't care if you forgot my birthday type. She, on the other hand, will have crying jags and tear her hair out if her third cousin twice removed forgets to send her a birthday card and present of at least equal value to that she bought for him on his last birthday. Now I am not saying you are high maintenance but this is an example of how people cannot possibly understand the behaviors of others or the dyfunction within some circles.

I also dated a guy whose mother was living hell. She hated me and treated me like crap, instigating all sorts of arguments, bad feeling, saying nasty things, making her son feel guilty for having any kind of a life where he was not pandering to her every wish. I kept my mouth shut for the longest time, because I loved him, but eventually I told her I felt sorry for her since her life must have been extremely unhappy for her to make everything and everyone around her so miserable. I don't believe anyone had ever spoken to her like that before and she was shocked. She still hated me by the way, but at least I didn't have to put up with her crap any more.

Toss me into the heap of lousy parents as well! I'm sure my kids can describe my every screw up. I have noticed every single screw up with my kids behavior. I always thought it was easier to clean up after small children. I created pigs!! No telling what on earth else I created, but I'm sure I have screwed up a zillion times, but I was never ill intended.

My marriage was a screw up from day one. I refused to believe it. I gave my kids a horrible life that I never wanted to. Well, maybe not horrible, but not what I would ideally wish for them. I wouldn't have had kids at all if I owned a crystal ball. I couldn't offer them what I wanted to, with ignorance of younger days. I'm a complete screw up too and I freely admit this, with a lot of regret.

High maintenance? Maybe. I may mistakenly call this standards. Mine may very well be too high. I feel guilt about the life I have been able to offer my own children. I don't like the way my mother acts. I think she should strive to be a better person, just as she taught my brother and me. I think my husband sucks on both counts, husband and father. He really does, unless you want to live in a big house while he is gone constantly being completely alone ignoring his own kids.

No, I'm not too happy with my family at all. If everyone has such low standards as my mother, her's, and my husband, I am disappointed with humanity. If I am to find obvious ill acts towards others as acceptable, what does that make me? Something I can't live with.

I want out!!

Wow - reading your last post, you sound exactly like my mother did 20 years ago. My parents marriage was screwed up when we were kids and we got the brunt of it. Some nasty stuff went on and I guess I made the decision never to put a child through my own emotional f-ups. 20 years later they are different people - we have looked back and talked honestly about how things have changed.

To be honest I grew up not having the energy to take a lot of **** from people. I am looking for a life that is as stress-free as possible. So, if someone pee's me off, I'll say something immediately. Generally it's like a warning blast and people don't try that crap with me again, but I have had people and situations that were not to my liking or didn't reach my particular standards and while I can bemoan how this pissed me off, if it's not resolved pretty pronto I am not adverse to cutting that person/situation out of my life or moving on. I can't be dragging the weight of the friggin world on my shoulders coz I've got jokes to hear, music to play, shows to watch, foods to sample, friends to meet, gossip to get, and things to learn. Life is too short.

What's up with the icon Eoe? I'm sure you have heard of lousy marriages before. Yes, kids do live through it all and are not scarred by it with a parent who is well intended, key word. They are so much more adaptable than adults.

My mother does suck, by adult standard that I accepted in much younger years. She had optimal circumstance, which most of us don't. My failure as a parent results from my husbands failure to recognize any of us as a part of his life. He puts his check in the bank and don't bother to question him when he regularly shows up at 5am or not at all. He refuses to parent these kids at all. I'm the only one they have ever had.

The brilliance of youth often teaches you some very hard lessons. This is a guy that loves me, but not in a way that I want to be loved. He loves his independence more than he ever loved us, but will foot the bill. Don't say a word to him about his behavior and you get along just fine with him. I only wish I had this knowledge before marrying and having children with him.

Excuse me, but what wife puts up with 5am drunk waltzing in the door? Me. I have to if I want a father for my kids. Already tried the alternative. I did leave. I'm back, so it obviously didn't work out too well for me.

I had a good job. Not just a job actually, but a career. I was charge nurse. I, alone, supervised a inpatient unit at a rehabilitation hospital. I worked second shift. There was no one to answer to, but me. I did a good job, until my son screwed it up for me.

Teens act like someone dropped them on their heads. No telling what I would walk into after work. I was very upset. It cost me my job worrying about it. I was put on mandatory leave of absence to straighten out family problems that my employer felt was a distraction to my work responsibility. I also got evicted within two weeks, because of my son throwing a party at my place when I was working.

No one helped me. Men with their own self interest maybe, but not suitable to leave kids with. I had to leave them alone. Their father and family would have nothing to do with the difficulties of raising teens. I needed help. I didn't get any. It cost me my career and roof over my head. So, I'm back to the exact same lousy marriage I left.

Don't mothers deserve a bit better than complete responsibility while it is understood that fathers are not expected the same, especially when they don't contribute anything? I didn't need his money. I made enough and refused to take some pittance called 'his share', which was nowhere close to giving him the satisfaction. I did need physical help with these kids, which no one would give me.

If my job was not one of such high responsibility, maybe I wouldn't have lost it because of constant kid calls and voiced concerns to co-workers of my worries. If I didn't have this sort of responsibility, I couldn't have supported my kids. I would be paid minimum wage working at McDonald's.

Men have the ultimate excuse. They are men. It is completely ok if they have visitation rights and pay a woman a few bucks. It is social slaughter to do the same as a woman. You are a lousy parent who doesn't want your children, in the exact same situation.

Women of today do carry a much heavier burden than a man ever will. It is acceptable for a man to see his kids on the weekend, but a woman is seen as uncaring. What?

I knew my husband was not emotionally capable of caring for these kids. I knew the house was expensive. I couldn't allow a pittance to make him think he did his share of parenting, when he clearly didn't. I had plenty of money, but he didn't. So, why bother with child support? It was never worth it to me when I could adequately support myself and kids, but not in that big house on the hill that I left my husband with. That is a bit expensive.

Please don't tell me that I am the only woman who has gone through a bad marriage or single parenting!!! The only difference is the fact that I never divorced, which allowed me to take over the family home, which I did only because I had to. My nursing career conflicted with raising teen kids. These kids needed me at home for supervision and guidance. I lost a good job trying to manage both at the same time.

Are there any women of divorce or separation with children that can identify? Don't we need help with our children? We do and should have it willingly, whether by father or grandparents. Anyone who loves family should help when obviously needed. No one helped me and I'm disappointed in those people who claim love for me and my children. This isn't love at all!

Wildflower63- There is no doubt that you have had a difficult time of it, and I undertand your problem. It's your attitude that I feel is self defeating.


You know your relatives, and you understand the deal. I think that if you would focus on the positive, and stop wishing for something that is not going to happen, you will be a much happier person.

I grew up when I realized these truths:

Life is NOT fair

Mother nature is capricious.

Ultimately, there is no justice in the world.

The best helping hand is at the end of my own arm.

IMO, this "victim" mentality of yours is counterproductive. If you would take the emotional energy that you use feeling sorry for yourself, and wishing and hoping for the unobtainable, I think that you would accomplish a lot more, and be happier, to boot!

Yes it appears you have a lousy marriage with a husband who does not pull his weight, but what's all that stuff about not accepting financial support from your husband when you left him and leaving him with the house? You had a good job so you felt you could let him off scott-free? Talk about making him feel less inclined to provide or support you and your kids! A single parent is taking on a huge amount with such a demanding job and two children all by herself. You should have demanded he financially support the children at the very least.

As for the "parent who is well intended" that's bull. Children don't know or even accept the well-intended excuse, that's just a cop-out for not explaining to them why you do and say what you do. I've heard that all my life and I would have understood or even appreciated my parent telling me the REAL reasoning behind why I couldn't stay out all night and drink myself into a stupor. It would have been far more powerful than the "because I say so" or "if you live under my roof you'll do what I say" statements. Don't think your children will appreciate the rules because your intentions are good. They won't understand that you do things for their own good - they are at the age of rebellion, where even the best of parents would tear their own hair out trying to get through to them.

Yes your husband should have been there and shared equally the responsibilities for parenting, but he didn't and that sucks. Others in your and his families are not automatically responsible to step in and help or support as I know you would like them to. The fact is that most families will do so, but that should not be an automatic expectation - instead something to be grateful for. Again, it sucks that your families didn't do so. It does leave you feeling alone in your responsibilities and I can comiserate with the frustrations you must be feeling, but these children are essentially your (and your husbands) responsibility. You chose to have them, you must be prepared to do anything and everything for them, even if it means you must do so with little or no help from others. Your husband, on the other hand, should be ashamed of himself for fooling himself into thinking he is a responsible guy because he put some bread on the table. I'd love to know what he would do if something were to happen to you (God forbid!) and he was left with two children he doesn't really know.

Not sure the intended message was. About not accepting money from my husband, I didn't need it. I had plenty of money. He, I assumed, had his hands full paying for the house and much needed work. What he could afford to give me was not worth taking.

You have to figure, with split ups, there is anger and resentment on both sides. I didn't need money. I needed him to physically help with these kids. He wasn't of any help with either. If I went the legal route, the house would have been put up for sale, which I didn't want. I wanted a separation, not a divorce. He couldn't pay for both.

As far as my wild teen son. I only wish that I could have controlled him. My kids do and always have had rules. I tried everything, the carrot and the stick. Nothing worked. He was far more influenced by a poor choice of friends than anything I had to say.

I'm not demanding. I don't expect anyone to do anything for me. I think we are all guilty of using our own logic with evaluating others. I needed physical help with my kids, not financial. We don't always understand, using our own logic, why people do the things they do. I didn't and still don't understand why family wouldn't help me when I desperately needed it. I would and do help them.

It was common knowledge the problems with my son. I did accept no for an answer and gave no guilt trips, except to their father. I told him he would be an old man with regrets if he didn't spend time with his kids and kept ignoring them. Kids to tend to resent that sort of thing through adulthood.

My son never had my permission or blessing to act as he did. I did try everything I could think of to deal with him. If I can't change a father's mind about seeing his own kids, can you really change a wild teen's mind about their idea of fun? No, most unfortunately, you can't at all. Thankfully, he has calmed down a lot. He still has a ton of friends and always has. This is a bit of a problem living in a ten unit building, especially if your kids starts with a bad crowd.

I spent A LOT of time talking to him about things. Problem, his choice of friends. If they will steal or lie to someone else, they will do the same to you. He found out the hard way. He even dumped every friend he had, which is very difficult for a teen. His is making better choices now, but it took time.

Kids are noisy and don't necessarily see themselves as a problem disrupting people. Of course, I was furious walking into pop cans thrown on the floor. I made him clean it up. I couldn't realistically keep him in or his friends out unless I was home. You can't make rules you aren't able to enforce. He did stay in many times when I didn't have to work and could supervise him.

He wasn't out stealing car stereos. He was a disruption type of problem at home and school. It was all a bunch of social antics, things that disturbed the class and neighbors. Everything was always fun and games. Life was one big party. He didn't take much seriously and to this day has to look the word stress in the dictionary to figure out what it means.

A lot of his antics were pretty funny, but not so funny getting in trouble all the time. I didn't let him know I found the exact same humor in it what he did because he was using such poor judgment, which I repeatedly tried to explain to him. He didn't get it at all. Everything has it's proper place. There was nothing wrong with a lot of his antics. There was always something very wrong with when and where he chose to do it.

I do get a little tired of defending myself over what a wild teen did. I wasn't a lousy parent who didn't care. I never claimed to be perfect either. I did try very hard and still do with both of my kids. Parents are not responsible for stupid choices teens, who think they know it all, make. Kids do have the benefit of parental guidance, but don't always use it and make some grand mistakes. That is not the fault of any parent who tried. I needed physical help with this kid, which no one wanted to give only to be criticized from everyone for problems my son created, not me.

I am having a feeling that I shouldn't have brought this up. If people aren't willing to give freely, then they shouldn't at all, including watching grandchildren.

And why shouldn't you bring this up? You obviously want to talk about it and get other peoples opinions right? Even if those opinions were not exactly what you were looking for.

It's pretty hard for someone else to know what it is really like to be in your shoes. I can only write what I think and from my experiences. I guess I see that there are more single parent families out there these days than ever before, that the stresses on children AND adults are very different from a generation ago. It seems that you really needed the physical help with your children and didn't get it. As for your son, you haven't explained what he did that was so terrible. He sounds like a typical teen to me, but how would I know? I don't have kids. I was a holy terror when I was a kid but never broke the law or did anything I would consider horrifically wrong - not that my mother saw it that way. Anyway, I don't demand the highest of standards from people around me. I am rarely disappointed and I am often pleased and surprised. It's not that my standards are low - it's that I know I can't spare the energy to waste wishing it weren't so.

All in all, wildflower... though I may take flack and I see where the others are coming from... I agree with you all the way still.

not flack really - sos - do you mean that grandparents are obligated to provide a certain amount of assistance/care/time to their grandchildren? I would have thought that it should not be an obligation but a desire. If they desire to do so, good. If they don't desire to do so, then that should be acceptable too.

I remember one set of grandparents who we visited every Sunday for two hours. I don't remember them ever visiting our home, they preferred all their grandchildren to come visit them on a Sunday afternoon where they fed us, let us play with all our cousins, and chatted with our parents.

The other set of grandparents were extremely loving but lived in another country and didn't get to visit a lot. I loved both sets and although they did not get involved very much with us and certainly never babysat or took us when our parents needed to leave us with someone when something urgent came up, I certainly don't feel gypped (sp?). We were usually left with a neighbor or a friend of my parents or one of our aunts/uncles. To be quite honest I think our grandparents wouldn't have been able to keep up with us. Is it really fair to have people in their twilight years (in some cases) have to chase after young things again? It's okay if they are physically and mentally able to do so and if they really want to, but I'd hate to have children and, and in my 70's, be expected by those children to take their kids on a regular basis. Yikes!

I guess, I'm just saying that... I agree with what everyone is saying, just that I think that a desire NOT to do so is.... hmm not really "unacceptable" but sad.

Except on the distance thing... that's understandable.

I'll ALWAYS be here for my kids and their kids, and their kids... that's what life is all about, TO ME... family and the people you love. I think, sometimes people take too "scientific" of an approach to it, that's all.

Without our families and people to love, what's the purpose to go on another day?

I reread your post, Heeven.. I agree with everything you said... My mother is only 42, so I guess I overlook the fact that it's physically impossible for some grandparents That would be an exception as well.

I guess that I shouldn't have brought it up because it is a subject that upsets me, a lot. I see problems in my family that I can't fix. I keep thinking in circles of ways, when obviously from an outsider view, I can't. It isn't always to see that when you are in the middle of it and have strong emotional ties to people.

I'm afraid to tell people anything specific about my son and the problems I have had trying to raise him. Most people don't understand. The jump to the conclusion it is all your fault for, the worst one, not raising your kids and teaching them when they were young and complaining when they get older and are a problem. They think I am permissive with no rules.

None of the criticism I have gotten from so many people is true at all. If anyone truly cares, it is me. The only people I have found that do have young adult kids that have been there. They couldn't solve the same problem with a wild teen either. They tell me that they do calm down, but even adult kids still worry them. To my understanding, it never really is game over when your kid hits 18. You worry about your kids no matter how old they are or how old you are.

I couldn't keep my son in an apartment anymore once I got evicted. The same thing is going to happen no matter where I take him. He is going to find a zillion friends. Teens are loud and disruptive. Then, I get evicted again and again over the same problem that I couldn't solve. On top of that, I got put on mandatory leave of absence because it was felt that I was too distracted because of family problems to perform my job. This happened two weeks from the eviction. It really was game over for me. No one is going to rent to the unemployed.

The only thing I could do is take these kids back home. At least with owned property, no one can throw you out because your kids acts like life is a big party. In a house, the boys don't bother anyone like an apartment. So much for my career! My son put me through enough. My daughter is 13 and I don't want her pulling the same thing.

I never really did get over that one. I lost my job and roof over my head all at once. I still feel like such a failure. Other women are single parents and don't lose their job biting their nails over what they are going to walk into this time. I did. My employer insisted I get counseling for my family because she felt I was too distracted from problems at home to perform my job. I did have problems, big ones.

Like my husband wanted us back here! Sorry, but these kids need someplace to live. Divorce me and at least I will have some money to buy a place of my own. This marriage sucks. I am depressed beyond belief. I never did go back to work to make sure these kids didn't get out of control again. I also paid off 9k of his debt so the creditors would stop calling.

The babysitting issue wasn't about me at all. It was about my brother's children. I know how hard I had it and still am because no one would spend time with these kids. I guess that I would wish the hell I have been through on my worst enemy. I'm not that nice. I don't want my brother and his wife so stressed out with a two income family that something like this will happen to them.

Thank you everyone for your opinions and support. I have decided to put differences aside between my mother and I, much thanks to everyone's input and thoughts. I'm not going to, or at least try very hard, make any judgment calls on her. She is the only mother I have, like her ways or not.

Whether or not I needed help with my kids is very old news now. They are teens of 13 and 17, which require an armed guard, not a babysitter! lol! I'm sure many of us understand how difficult they can be. All of us are not able to deal with this. Maybe I like even teen kids, but my mother is completely lost on this subject.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts and support more than you can imagine. I have decided to accept my mother for her strengths and too many weaknesses. For the last few days, I have called her to see how she is doing. I listened to her and shut my big mouth with any disagreement. I can offer support or suggestion, but nothing more for her.

Maybe I wasn't too fair to her. She wasn't fair to me either as long as she had my brother who looked like and had her personality traits. She never understood me. I just happen to have many of my father's traits, which she doesn't understand. I don't guess anything is all to perfect in life.

It is hard with a parent though. You expect the same unconditional love you have for them, but don't necessarily get it. I don't do that to my kids who are different as day and night, which is why I don't understand why she did it to me, never accepted my father's traits. I am quite like him. A picture of us shocked me. I looked like my father in drag!

My parents are not divorced. My mother does often state a lack of understanding of why my father thinks and does as he is. I am a lot like him, but no carbon copy, which is why she doesn't understand me, but does my brother. I don't resent or feel jealousy towards him at all. I love my brother too.

My kids are so different. They don't even look like the same family with exact same parents, but I accept differences that I don't always identify with. My mother is not capable of the same, but I expect her to do something she obviously isn't capable of. She has hurt me many times my entire life over issues like this, her lack of understanding. If she couldn't understand, it was not acceptable, meaning me. It was only because of inherited traits of my father, who she still questions constantly.

No one would ever accuse her of being an understanding person. She isn't and never was. I know she loves my brother much more than me, but doesn't want to believe it. She doesn't want to see herself as only being able to love one, not the other, which her mother is well known as being and not shy about saying so. Telling her she is like her mother is a grand insult to her, but she really is in so many ways.

I only have two choices, oust her from my life or accept her for who she is, no matter what I see as wrong. I only have one mother. Both of us will be hurt if we don't start accepting each other, no matter what differences. I have decided to accept.

I even started calling her to see how she is for the last few days, every day. I want her to know, no matter what our differences, I do lover her and do care. I accepted a dinner invitation tonight from her. I didn't really want to go, but my parents go out to eat all the time. We actually enjoyed ourselves.

I guess we both learned a lesson. She learned not to push me. I learned not to push her. We are different. If we want any relationship between us we both have to accept that. Maybe this time she will. I hope so. I'm going to make my best effort.

Wildflower63- Good going, gal! One of the most important things that we can learn in life is that it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to change other people. The way to more productive and amiable relationships is to change OUR reactions and behaviors to those people. I think that you are on your way!

Thank you so much for your support. I can't change my feelings. I can change my behavior. I don't see any other answer to the drastic differences between my mother and I. Hopefully, this will work more than a few months without explosion, as usual. Wish me luck!

Wildflower63- Luck has little to do with this. Hard work, empathy and a lot of temper control does. You can do it!

To take care of their children's children.

Wildflower-

Regardless of what everyone here might say...

If it is not her duty to love and support her children,
it is not your duty to have to suck it up and take it. It's great that you are trying ALL avenues to try to resolve this issue with your mother, but if it all doesn't work in the end, it's not your fault. It seems you are stuck in a role reversal, where since she is not the motherly type, you are taking on that role, and I guess... according to what I've read here in this thread, that's not your responsibility. Making amends is not your responsibility, accepting her is not your responsibility. Should you just say "screw it, I'm never talking to her again"? You could... after all, she's just your mother, and the one person you thought you could count on your whole life. No biggie.
It is absolutely absurd to believe that people should not feel obligated to their family. Especially if you've never had much. There are times in my life where I couldn't have gotten by without my family. What is the damn purpose of life??? if not for your family.... If it wasn't for my mother, and my children, and my family, I probably would have given in long ago and laid down and died.
I dont mean to step on anyone's toes, but this thread has really gotten to me. Everyone sounds like a bunch of damn programmed robots.
Can't you people FEEL??????
My legacy will be my children, and my children's children, and god willing their children too.... THAT is my mark on this world......
When I'm long gone, and my children and grandchildren think of me.. what will they think??
That's a question that everyone should consider. If you're not going to invent something, or find a cure for something, or be the god damn president... chances are you will leave this world and nobody is really gonna give a damn.... except your family..
or will they?