Wont go wont let me go

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Hi all,
I'm new round here, I've been sitting on the sidelines and I think that the a2k is doing a very nice job.I hope to be around for quite a while.
Down to business. iv'e been married since 1987 and I think I can work my way through most problems.
This might sound small but it's turning into a big problem.I love to travel but my wife will not go anywhere,most of the time I don't get to bothered. But just after Christmas my step Father died and my Mum is taking a while to get her life back in order. My Mum would like to go and visit family in california(we live in Ireland) and she would like me to go with her.But my wife who is also invited will have none of it.My wife says that she is to frightened to fly,but the truth is,now that she says she can't fly if she did fly it would show that she was wrong. And she has never been wrong about anything,ever.
So not only will my wife not go she is laying down the law about me going.I love my Mum and trip would give her something to look forward to.
I don't know why my wife won't let me go I will be with family,it's not as if I will be out messing around or going places that would worry her.
It' got so bad I wanted to go to marriage guidance but my wife wont go.
Any advice will be gratefully received.Thanks

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Wow, she's sounding pretty unreasonable. Have you asked her why she is against you going? Have you said "I want you to come with me but I understand your fear of flying. I want to support my Mum. You can understand that can't you?"

I would definitely try to find out why she doesn't want you to go. Really, it shouldn't be up to her to decide everything in your lives.

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Thanks Caprice,
She says she just can't cope on her own.But I only want to go for 1 week,Besides her Mum and brother live nearby so she wouldn't be truly alone.
Also I don't think she's afread of flying but now that she has said that she is she can't go back on that.I tried to get her to go on a fear of flying course but she wont go.

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Im never good at this kind of stuff. I always get the wrong answers on relationship quizes, so here goes.

Shes being a bit intractible and , by a sort of passive/aggressive approach, shes laying the law down to you. id push her hand because , this is not a big deal. How are you going to handle the hard things?
buy the plane tickets and show that youve bought one for her, if she refuses to budge, you MUST go. Otherwise, youve set the precedent against any future compromises and joint decisions.

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Marriage is a give and take. It always bugs me when I hear the she/he won't let me because people don't own people. I'm very surprised that she doesn't encourage you to be there for your mom as she would probably be there for hers if she needed her. It sounds to me that your wife is very controlling and you really need to sit down and have a long talk about that. Trying to control other people is never a good thing. Your mother is the one who raised you and I think being there for her if she needs you is the least you could do. Your wife will survive a week without you and it's not like you didn't ask her to go along. I'd go anyway, but that's me. I don't allow anyone to control me.

Good luck to you and welcome to A2K.

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It's nice to care about your Mom, but a married man's partner is his wife, and he's got no business going on a trip with his mother.

Actually....no mother ought to even ask her son to accompany her. Not even for a day-trip. She can travel with a lady-friend. She could even pay someone nice to go with her, if she's afraid to go alone. Or guess what.....she could stay home!!

Sons are not supposed to replace their fathers as companions to their mothers.

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Katya
So, you agree that his wife "shouldn't let him go"?

His mother just lost her husband and feeling she wants to spend a little time with her family, so I can't see anything wrong with that. When my father died, my mother was lost and I'm glad I was able to be there for her when she needed me.

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Is this the only difference of opinion that you and your wife have had in the last 16-17 years?

Has she been jealous and inflexible before about time spent with your family?

Do you and your wife have any children?

I can't imagine saying to my husband, "Do not support your mother." Your mother needs support in early widowhood--and she spent a lot of time being there for you.

Can you make it very clear to her that you feel this trip is important enough to stick to your guns about going?

Good luck.

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Katya my wife was invited as well.It just seems a bit much for her to get in such a temper about the trip.She has met my Americian family when they were here so it's not that they are strangers.
Besides this isn't the first time. Last year I won a prize in work and we were invited to the head office with some other employes,and stay in a good hotel and everything thrown in.
My wife went berserk and demanded that I wasn't to go and that was just 2 nights.In the end I did go, but had do do so on my own,and when I phoned from the hotel all she did was cry and ask me to come home.
Thats why this trip is such a huge issue,it's like she is punishing me for going against her will.But I can't turn my back on my Mother.Besides my wife spends ever Saturday with her Mother and usually one evening as well,so I don't see How one trip should cause so much upset.

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You seem like a sensible fella, Gordy. Without knowing all the ins and outs of your relationship, it does sound as if your wife is being very unreasonable - or perhaps she has some other emotional problems she needs to deal with - either in counselling on her own, or with you.

The thought of even suggesting someone should not take some time to spend with a recently widowed parent is, simply put, disgusting to me. A week with your mother and family is eminently reasonable. As you've indicated, your wife spends a lot of time for her family, so it seems she understands the importance of family - as it applies to her.

Is she afraid she is losing control of you? Her behaviour in regard to your trip of last year sounds quite odd. As I read more of your posts, the more it sounds like she needs some counselling. Does she go to church? Perhaps she could talk to a priest about her problems?

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oh, and welcome!

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yep., as I thought. Im not wrong here. I feel that your wifes behavior is a bit irrational and you may need to seek some assistance from a pro.

Glad to have you aboard, Im trying to keep a2k sexually balanced so that no wimmens start putting up "window treatments" all over the place.

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Farmerman--

Wipe your boots! Now!

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Montana....it's nice that you supported your own Mom when she became a widow, but am I remembering incorrectly that you're a single parent?

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Gordy....it's only normal, that when you describe your wife as being a bit of a looney, people here are going to believe that and recommend she see a headshrinker.

But is she? Has she ever flown or does she truly have a fear of flying?

Do you 2 have children?

And are you the kind of man who can't be trusted to remain faithful, when away from home, thereby giving your wife legitimate cause for concern?

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gordy never described his wife that way katya, youre the first one to say that.

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No we don't have kids,about 6 years ago before we moved to this house and took on a new mortgage and stuff I asked her (not for the first time)if she wanted a family.She turned all sorts of colours(colors!)and I've never brought up the subject again.

Some day I'll tell you what I went through to get a cat!

As for the flying she did fly with her Dad when she was about 12 or so, she says it was a white knuckle ride but her Dad said it was nothing of the sort.

About me being fathfull I'll be 40 next month and haven't been unfathfull yet. Although I'm never out on my own long enough.I would rather mess around with the car than another woman. The point I was making about messing around is that some of the guys in work go a couple of times a year to Thiland, and she has heard about what they get up to.So I realise that could be a real concern.But they don't go with their Mothers(I hope)

She has been to see the head doc and she is on Cipramill 40mg

Thanks everyone for the welcome

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katya8 wrote:

Montana....it's nice that you supported your own Mom when she became a widow, but am I remembering incorrectly that you're a single parent?

I hope you aren't leaping to the assumption I think you are.

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katya8 wrote:

And are you the kind of man who can't be trusted to remain faithful, when away from home, thereby giving your wife legitimate cause for concern?

As if philanderer has to leave town to have an affair. Gimme a break. Rolling Eyes

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Gordy, has your wife been on the medication long enough to be stable on it?

The mention of mums accompanying sons on those much-vaunted trips to Thailand had to make me grin. Very Happy

Sounds like you've been fighting an uphill battle for some time. Hopefully, the medication will help your wife with some of her upset. Truthfully, I wouldn't put off you going on your trip with your mum because of her. I'd hope your wife would eventually see that it was a sign of what a good guy you are.

My next-door neighbour's oldest son died recently. Her married (with two children) son went to the west coast with her for two weeks to settle his brother's estate, and to help his mum say good-bye to her son's friend out there. I know that most of us respected him very much for taking that time to be with his mother, and to support her at this very difficult time.

Interestingly, in terms of katya's comments, there is also a surviving single/no children, brother. He didn't go along with them.

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Wont go wont let me go

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