Please help me check a letter of thanks

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Please help me chech the letter of thanks to make it fluent, natural, and coherent.

May 1, 2012
Dear Lucy
Thank you for your beautiful flowers. They are gorgeous and I really appreciate your kindness. I not only enjoyed your flowers, but also the delicate vase. I shall ever remember this gift as one of the most precious things in my life. I hope to have the opportunity of reciprocating. If you have a time, I hope you can come to my house. I will feel very happy if you have time to make me a call.
I thanks again for your lovely flowers. Please give my kind regards to your family.
Yours truly
Jiang Mengyun

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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 2,566 • Replies: 9

[+3] - sozobe - 05/06/2012The English is pretty good. A few minor edits (the changes are [b]bolded[/b]): Dear Lucy[b],[/b] Thank you for [b]the[/b] beautiful flowers. They are gorgeous and I really appreciate your...

@ziawj2,

The English is pretty good.

A few minor edits (the changes are bolded):

Dear Lucy,

Thank you for the beautiful flowers. They are gorgeous and I really appreciate your kindness. I not only enjoyed the flowers, but also the delicate vase. I shall forever remember this gift as one of the most precious things in my life. I hope to have the opportunity to reciprocate sometime. If you ever have time to visit me, I would be very happy to see you.

Thanks again for your lovely flowers. Please give my kind regards to your family.

Yours truly,
Jiang Mengyun

Do you and Lucy share a common culture? (Chinese, for example?)

If Lucy is Western (American, British, etc.), I'd encourage you to take things down just a notch. It's a bit much to describe a vase with flowers in it as "one of the most precious things in my life," and that might ring false to Lucy. You could say, perhaps, "I shall forever remember your thoughtfulness."

1 Reply

@ziawj2,

I agree with Soz's comments and I'll add that this feels very formal, not something you would write to a friend in a western culture. A more casual version might be something like:

Quote:

Thank you for the beautiful flowers and vase. They are gorgeous and I really appreciate your kindness. Please allow me a chance to reciprocate when you have time. Thanks again and please give my regards to your family.

1 Reply

@engineer,

"this feels very formal, not something you would write to a friend". That's ture. The original is a bit exaggerative.

1 Reply

@ninasen,

ninasen wrote:

"this feels very formal, not something you would write to a friend". That's ture. The original is a bit exaggerative.

I think its fine,
with Soz 's adaptations.

David

0 Replies

@sozobe,

Thank you for you comments. Does "take things down just a notch" mean "make it simple"?
By the way, it is my student's writing. As an English teacher, it's difficult for me to check her writing from the stylistical point of view. Sometimes I felt it strange, but I am not sure, so I submitted it and asked for your suggestion. Thank you!

2 Replies

@ziawj2,

"Take it down a notch" isn't quite "make it simple."

It has more to do with the content than with how it is stated.

For example, I could thank someone for giving me a ride to the airport by saying, "Thanks so much for the ride to the airport, it really saved me a lot of time and effort. I appreciate your willingness to help, you are such a good friend!"

Those sentiments are appropriate for a favor like a ride to the airport.

But this would be inappropriately over-the top: "I do not know how I can ever thank you for your generosity. The drive to the airport was one of the high points of my existence. I took a picture on the way and have printed it out as a poster and have framed it and it is now in my living room where I can look at it daily and honor you and your kindness."

Edit: that's within a Western (American/ British/ Canadian etc.) context. The second thank-you might be appropriate within a Chinese context, I don't know.

1 Reply

@ziawj2,

I also agree with most of Soz's comments, particularly about the gift being "one of the most precious gifts in my life".

Quote:

May 1, 2012
Dear Lucy
Thank you for your beautiful flowers. They are gorgeous and I really appreciate your kindness. I not only enjoyed your flowers, but also the delicate vase. I shall ever remember this gift as one of the most precious things in my life. I hope to have the opportunity of reciprocating. If you have a time, I hope you can come to my house. I will feel very happy if you have time to make me a call.
I thanks again for your lovely flowers. Please give my kind regards to your family.
Yours truly
Jiang Mengyun

I'd suggest the following changes....my changes are in bold.

Thank you for your beautiful flowers. They are gorgeous and I really appreciate your kindness. I not only enjoyed the flowers, but also the delicate vase that held them. Your gift will always be a cherished memory for me. I hope to have the opportunity to reciprocate. If you have the time, it would make me very happy if you could visit me at my home. Thanks again for your lovely flowers. Please give my kind regards to your family.

0 Replies

@ziawj2,

ziawj2 wrote:

Thank you for you comments.

Does "take things down just a notch" mean "make it simple"?

It means: make it less intense.

David

0 Replies

@sozobe,

sozobe wrote:

I took a picture on the way and have printed it out as a poster and have framed it and it is now in my living room where I can look at it daily and honor you and your kindness.

That is classic.

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Please help me check a letter of thanks

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