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Is this paragraph incomprehensible? Would you suggest an edit?

 
 
Reply Tue 21 Jul, 2015 06:45 pm
Today, philosophy departments teach as much math and logic as they could, creating an impression that a "mathematically-inept" student has no future in philosophy. But this isn't surprising at all, given that the overwhelming majority of contemporary philosophers sincerely believe that Philosophy and Mathematics are intimately intertwined.
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Type: Question • Score: 5 • Views: 3,678 • Replies: 3
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Region Philbis
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Jul, 2015 07:12 pm
@tamara123454,

it's good -- i would just change a couple of things...

Today, philosophy departments teach as much math and logic as possible, creating an impression that a mathematically inept student has no future in philosophy. But this isn't surprising at all, given that the overwhelming majority of contemporary philosophers sincerely believe that Philosophy and Mathematics are intimately intertwined.
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moucon
 
  2  
Reply Fri 19 Feb, 2016 05:37 pm
@tamara123454,
Way too wordy (47 words) , and your cases/tenses don't agree. You have to edit for it to be grammatically correct, forget about the content. Starting with verb 'teach' - Present tense(you use 'Today" so it has to be present tense) 'teach' requires CAN (not 'could').

"Today, philosophy departments TEACH as much math and logic as they CAN, creating....

The rest of the paragraph is just wordy, and a bit hyperbolic. If I was editing your copy but trying to retain your 'voice' in a byline, I'd tighten it up to...
----------------- start edit -------
Today, philosophy departments teach as much math and logic as they can, creating an impression that a "mathematically-inept" student has no future in philosophy. This isn't surprising, given that the many contemporary philosophers also believe philosophy and mathematics are intertwined.
----------------end edit -------- [40 words]

Now - a quick lesson in 'tight' writing. Unsupported assertions are a big no-no, and your paragraph is full of them. If you're going to use phrases like .. "overwhelming majority" you'd better be ready with your facts and figures to prove your point . A 'majority' is slightly more than half of something. So what is an "overwhelming" majority? 90%? 52%? How many of these "contemporary philosophers" are there? 12? 12,000? If you don't know, and don't know where to find out - don't try to fudge it with extra words ;-)

If I was editing your paragraph for a local newspaper with no byline to worry about, and no time to track down the metrics, I'd whack it way down to...
----- start edit----------
Contemporary philosophers believe comfort with numbers to be a job requirement, which explains why college philosophy departments often include math and logic in their curriculum.
------ end edit-------
[25 words - +/- half of the original - and nothing that absolutely needs attribution or footnoting ;-) I've indicated it's 'today' (contemporary) and not something in the past - and I've implied a majority (often) without actually having to slog through stats and figures]

Hope this helps you. Remember - fewer words (not more) add clarity.
-and -
Never make an assertion you can't prove.
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cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Fri 19 Feb, 2016 05:45 pm
@tamara123454,
Rather than "mathematically-inept", I would use 'logic.'
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