Dick Cheney receives heart transplant

The statement said Cheney had been on the transplant list for 20 months and did not know the identity of the donor, but doctors had insisted that it be a serial killer, serial rapist, sexual predator, Wall St banker, fellow war criminal or someone of a similar background or the heart would almost certainly be rejected.

Dick Cheney’s Heart Transplant Not Going Exactly As Expected
January 26, 2011.

Surgeons have had great difficulty with fitting former President of Vice Dick Cheney (aka- ‘Tricky Dicky the Second’) with a transplanted heart. Each attempt to put a foreign heart into the open breast of Mr. Cheney has resulted in rejection- not Mr. Cheney’s body rejecting the heart but rather in a show of patriotic, defiant, graft versus host disease sort of way, the heart is rejecting Mr. Cheney.
The latest procedure ended when the most recent heart upon being put into the chest cavity jumped out and ran out of the surgery gallery screaming “AAAGGGGGHHHH!!! ITS ICE COLD IN THERE! ITS DARK AND REALLY CREEPY! LET ME OUT OF HERE! ANYTHING BUT THERE!! AAAAGHHHHH!!!!”.

Similar experiences occurred with other hearts that doctors have attempted to put into the former dictator of Halliburton. Usually the surgical staff had to chase the fleeing heart down the hospital hallways trying to catch it, often ending with the little organ choosing self-destruction rather than implantation into the world-famous torture advocate.

The hearts have been known to jump screaming out of hospital windows, drown themselves in acid baths, impale themselves on surgical knives and poison themselves on hospital cafeteria food. One heart, when cornered by hospital staff, choose to strangle itself with its own aorta rather than be taken. Another, successfully implanted into the most famous legal dictator’s chest, turned purple and withered immediately from the toxic shock.

In a desperate attempt to get a heart for the ailing ex-mini despot, surgeons contacted a Mayan group specializing in the ritual sacrifice of a female virgin that their ancestors had been so famous for in its pre-Columbus history.

For an undisclosed amount from the Cheney Charitable Fund For Saving My Own Ass (CCFFSMOA), the Mayan priests sacrificed a young woman by cutting her still beating heart out on an alter in a religious ceremony and shipped it immediately to America where an emergency procedure installed it.

Unfortunately, having a female heart in the world’s most famous Darth Vader impersonator made the big man more compassionate, feminine and understanding of others, qualities that Mr. Cheney couldn’t abide by and he had it ripped out immediately.

The next plan involved approaching the Great And Powerful Wizard Of Oz for help in getting the former water boarding enthusiast a heart just as he had done with the Tin Man. The Great And Powerful Wizard Of Oz came out, took one look at the former U.S. Treasury money sucker and said, “I’m a wizard not God Almighty who can perform impossible miracles,” and left.

A solution was finally reached when the heart of an Asian Komodo dragon was successfully put into the famous draft dodger’s rib cage. Komodo dragons are, by nature, cold blooded, merciless and ruthlessly aggressive, making the transplant a huge success and leaving the highly acclaimed chicken hawk with a feeling of immense success, satisfaction and a strange sexual longing for a female Komodo.
http://glossynews.com/society/health/201101260448/dick-cheneys-heart-transplant-not-going-exactly-as-expected/

Cheney Receives Heart Transplant; Bush Still on Waiting List for Brain

FALLS CHURCH, VA (The Borowitz Report) – Former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant today, but former President George W. Bush remained on a waiting list for a brain, hospital officials confirmed.

As part of a government contract signed while he was still Vice President, Halliburton performed the reconstruction work on Mr. Cheney’s circulatory system at a cost to taxpayers of $14.2 billion.

The doctor who performed the surgery called the procedure “extremely invasive – just the way the Vice President wanted it.”

A hospital spokesman said that Mr. Cheney was expected to make a full recovery, but that he was “somewhat disoriented” coming out of anesthesia: “When we asked him who the President of the United States was, he said, ‘Is it still me?’”

Minutes later, though, Mr. Cheney was reportedly alert, chatting with his doctors, and shooting people in the face.

Former President Bush made an appearance at the former Vice President’s hospital, hanging a “Mission Accomplished” banner in Mr. Cheney’s room hours before the operation was completed.
http://www.borowitzreport.com/2012/03/25/cheney-receives-heart-transplant-bush-still-on-waiting-list-for-brain/

I wish him a speedy recovery as well.

They don't mention if donor died of a gun shot to face, or not.

Slamming Obamacare, Cheney said Obama has "enacted a program that a great many people are very worried about. And that there's a lot of support out there for the effort to repeal that health care package."

Since the first heart transplant was performed by the South African surgeon Christiian Barnard in 1967, the operation has become common, though it remains an arduous, risky and costly procedure. Most patients stay in the hospital for about a month after surgery, and recent studies estimate that first-year costs for a heart transplant and follow-up care are close to $1 million.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/25/us/politics/dick-cheney-recovering-after-getting-a-new-heart.html?hp

Slamming Obamacare, Cheney said Obama has "enacted a program that a great many people are very worried about. And that there's a lot of support out there for the effort to repeal that health care package."

Since the first heart transplant was performed by the South African surgeon Christiian Barnard in 1967, the operation has become common, though it remains an arduous, risky and costly procedure. Most patients stay in the hospital for about a month after surgery, and recent studies estimate that first-year costs for a heart transplant and follow-up care are close to $1 million.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/25/us/politics/dick-cheney-recovering-after-getting-a-new-heart.html?hp

Maybe this transplant will help Cheney to have a heart, and support universal health care coverage, and higher caps on medical coverage, so others might be able to afford the cost of the life saving surgery, and all of the other care and treatments, that he has had access to.

support obama's USURPATIONS of power,
in defiance of the Constitution that intimidate people to buy insurance against their will.

Yes its true, the man really does have a heart.