I'm 16 and my mothers verbally and sometimes physically abusive. What do I do?

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Hi, I've never really done this before and it feels a little weird and uncomfortable discussing stuff like this on the Internet with people I don't know but I don't know what else to do and I really need some help, so thanks.

Anyway, I'm 16, I'm a junior in high school and I live in Louisiana with my mother. Last summer I tried to commit suicide (overdose) after my mother (who was 15 when she had me) told me that I was 'a stupid bitch' (among other things) and she wished she'd had an abortion. I was in the hospital for a few days then i was transferred to Children's Psychiatric hospital for about a week and they put me on Lexapro and diagnosed me with severe anxiety and major depression. Since then I've been seeing a counselor at my school and we've talked about some stuff but I've been holding all of my anger and hurt inside since I was like 12 years old. I don't know how to open up and let everything out.I've tried but I can't so even though I've started counseling I feel like the depressions getting worse.

Most of this is because of my mother. Yesterday we had an argument about earphones (yeah, seriously) and she claimed they were hers and I was like no they're mine and I told her she had left hers in the car and 'apparently' I had an attitude and she didn't like what I said or how I said it so she just started taking my stuff. She took my cellphone, my earphones, books, etc. and then she was like" I'm sick of you. I can't wait until you get the f*** out of my house " then she was threatening to 'slam my head into the wall' if I get an attitude with her again and she kept calling me a ugly fat bitch and it just went on and on. She uses that insult alot 'ugly fat bitch', when I was about 13, I got really chubby and my mother hated it and called me fat and wanted me to try all these diets and made me run on her treadmil for an hour everyday and I just never really lost the weight until I turned 14 and I got taller, but I was still (and still am) 'fat' in her eyes and now I have an issue with my weight. People say I'm not fat but i know im far from skinny. Im 5'1 and im 135 pounds. I used to be bulimic and a cutter, no one really knows about that. I'm really trying not to go back to that.

Anyway, back to my mother. She's verbally abusive and sometimes she hits me (slaps me in the face/punches me in the back) and a few weeks ago she beat me because I rolled my eyes and talked back to her. She made me go in my room, take off my clothes and she hit me with a belt about 5 or 6 times while I was in my underwear, like I was a 10 year old or something. I told my counselor and she was going to report it but I begged her not to and she didn't but now I'm starting to regret it. I'll be 17 this April and whenever my mother hurts me I just tell myself that in one more year I'll be done with high school and I could go away to college and never come back but I don't think I can wait that long.
I need to get away now or I might not even be alive next year. I can't keep doing this.

So, I guess with all my rambling and whining, what I really need to know is how can I get away from her? What do I do? I have a grandmother that lives close by and I wanna live with her and have her as my legal guardian but I know that that would cause problems between her and my mother and I don't know if my grandma wants to get involved. Any advice or suggestions? Should I just suck it up or run away or what?

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@MiniMe16,

I think your mother suffers from pointless honesty... What is the point of telling the truth to people who do not get it and may never get it... It is hard being a child, and usually harder to be a parent, and the difference is that the anxiety of what lies ahead is usually worse than the regrets we suffer over our pasts... You might try to live up to the universal expectations of children, and try to grow into the roll of a supportive and contributing member of your family... You might look around at all the losers who have **** on and then burned their relationships, and then struggled to live without any support network... You might try to understand that no one will be as forgiving of your nonsense than people in natural relationships with you, such as your mother, though you may find many who will be happy to use you, and abuse you, and to discard you like yesterday's trash... Grow up, and learn to love and forgive, especially yourself...

I see a lot of kids, some times even my own want to complain about how much their lives suck, and it is hard to disagree... All our lives suck, and eating too much is a reaction to anxiety, but it does not work, causes more problems of health and socialization, and very often become the focus of conflict... In fact, you are as likely to be malnourished as some one starving themselves...You are probably starving for affection that people may find difficult to give you because you do not fit their expectations of some one they want to hold...

Speaking as a father, if it were possible to hold children and comfort them as much as they all need it now adays, then it would at least be considered odd or illegal... The wonderful thing about kids is that they are honest about their emotional needs, and in the process of turning them into adults they must be turned into assholes who disregard and deny their own emotions... I do not want that to happen to you, though it likely already has...You do not need a fight with your mother, but to be able to take the good advice she gives without hearing the insult she may also deliver... Do not expect she needs a hug any less than you, or that she has anyone more willing or able than you to deliver one...

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I am surprised that social services have not been called in. Counselors are legally obligated to report parents who abuse children in situations like you have described.

Your mother and you really don't get along. Things are escalating.

Is there a relative or friend you could go live with?

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@PUNKEY,

She is not getting along, like a lot of kids do not get along... She did not suffer abuse as a child... She is getting exactly what she is giving, and she should get counceling and be removed to a home so she can see how good she has it... If her mother did not care, she she could not get angry, and she cares because she still loves...

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@Fido,

I think I understand some of what you're saying, but I'm a little confused about the rest of it.

This is what I got out of it: You think my mom is just a brutally honest parent and that I should suck it up, listen to what shes saying, ignore the insults and beatings and forgive her because shes my mom and shes probably the only person who cares about me? Right?

So, this is normal? All parents treat their kids like **** and we're suppose to just shut up and take it?

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@PUNKEY,

My counselor was going to report it but I begged her not to. I was scared I guess. She gave me the number to Mobile Crisis and told me to call them and/or her if my mother hits me again.

Me and my mother never got along. Ever. This isn't something that just started happening.

There's my grandma but I don't know if she'd let me live with her because it would most likely cause problems between them. I have a friend that lives down the street. Her parents are nice but I'm not sure they'd let me move in or anything. I have an aunt and uncles but my aunt lives in Alabama and both of my uncles live in a different city and my dad was killed 3 years ago.

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It is not unusual for teen girls and their mothers to buck heads.

In fact, it's quite common. (the Chinese symbol for war is two women under the same roof)

But what you describe is a little over the top.

Why don't you just ask your grandparents to stay there just for a week.

Put some space between you and your mom.

Counseling would help. Would she go?

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@PUNKEY,

I'll ask my grandma then talk to my mom about staying with my grandma for a week. I really want to move out though....

I doubt she'd go to counceling. She barely said anything at the family session I had before I left the psychiatric hospital.

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@MiniMe16,

MiniMe16 wrote:

I'll ask my grandma then talk to my mom about staying with my grandma for a week. I really want to move out though....

I doubt she'd go to counceling. She barely said anything at the family session I had before I left the psychiatric hospital.

Left the psychiatric hospital says a lot... Who sprung you and why??? You have no idea how hard it is to raise children, especially when they are abusive, disobediant, and uncooperative... The notion that they are helping some one to help them is not enough to get them off their backsides to help anyone... They can lie, cheat, steal, say anything to get their way, and never follow through with a promise and all the time talk about how bad their lives are... The one kids always pull is the old passive agressive... They say they will do it and don't, they agree and act agreeable until a minor problem turns into a major riot and then ask: What did I do??? You have anger issues...

Doing what frustrates people, and makes them angry when you ought to know what it is by now -is not fair, honest, decent or polite... I will tell you what you are doing... You are blowing off your relationship with your mother who cares enough about you to take care of you and tell you the truth about your behavior... You want to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.. I would say: If you feel froggy, then jump... You seem to have no intention of making your situation work for you at home, and no amount of counceling is going to help that... I had to learn the hard way... I survived; but I also ate out of garbage cans... How far are you willing to go to destroy your relationships???

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@MiniMe16,

Quote:

My counselor was going to report it but I begged her not to. I was scared I guess. She gave me the number to Mobile Crisis and told me to call them and/or her if my mother hits me again.

What were you scared would happen if the counselor reported it?

I think the counselor was wrong not to report what you told her, she was obligated to report it--you are describing child abuse.

I'm not sure you should wait until she hits you again before you report it, her abusive treatment, of various types, seems rather continuous and there is no reason you should go on living with that.

Do you still see a psychiatrist for the Lexapro? If so, go to see that doctor and ask him/her to report how your mother treats you, if you don't want to report her to CPS yourself, although you certainly have the option of calling them yourself.

I think you need to report what is going on so that you feel empowered and not trapped in that situation for another year. I think that will help to lessen your feelings of depression. And your mother needs some external control, like CPS, to keep her from at least physically abusing and threatening you. And she likely would benefit from therapy to help her deal with her feelings toward you and her verbal/emotional abuse, and a court might order such treatment.

If you report the abuse, or someone does it for you, you can request to be legally removed from your home, perhaps to live with your grandmother, or even to go into foster care for a year if there is no option of living with a relative. Either of those alternatives would probably be better than remaining where you are.

One way the effect of emotional abuse is evaluated is by the impact on the child. You've already made a suicide attempt, and you say you feel your current depression is increasing. That's why you have to act in your own best interest, and report what is going on, and how it is affecting you, and stop trying to shield your mother from the legal consequences of her abusive behavior. All that is likely to happen to your mother is that she'll be told to stop physically abusing and threatening you, and possibly ordered to attend parenting classes or go into therapy. But she'll get the message that her mistreatment of you is wrong and unacceptable. And the benefit to you would be to help you legally get out of your house and be placed elsewhere until you go off to college.

You have the legal power to curb your mother's abusive treatment of you, and to alter your current living situation, and I think you should try to use it.

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I see that Fido's posts are getting voted down, but just to say specifically, MiniMe16, he seems to be projecting his own experiences or something... certainly not helpful in your situation!

While teenaged girls and their mothers often clash, yes, what you are describing is way beyond the usual clashes and into something really destructive.

Maybe just talk to your grandma first and see what she has to say. Then go from there.

Sorry you are in this situation.

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@Fido,

Umm... When you say 'who sprung me and why?' Do you mean who made me go to the psychiatric hospital or who let me out?
After I took the pills my mom found me in my room and I was unconscious so she called the ambulance. I went to the hospital and they did some stuff (I don't remember) and then maybe a day later they transferred me to a psych hospital. That's how I got there.

Now, if you meant who let me out of the psych hospital, it was the doctors (duh). Most patients don't stay there for more than a week anyway so after about a week of learning about coping skills, group therapy and 20mg of Lexapro the docs thought I was ready to go home.

And what makes you think I'm abusive or disobedient? What exactly did I say to make you think that? I may be disobedient sometimes and 'talk back' when she's wrong but I never do more than that. When my mom goes of I just sit there and take it. You sure are making alot of assumptions when you obviously don't know what the hell you're talking about.

I have anger issues you say? Umm, ok. Don't know where you got that from either... But maybe you should speak for yourself. You sound far more upset and angry than I do.

And you also said that my mother cares about me and I'm the one who's ruining our relationship. Uh...so... telling your kid you wish you had an abortion when you were pregnant with them, cursing them out and beating and bullying them just because you can is a way to show affection? Wow! Silly me! I'll go home right now, get a belt and beat me mom with it as I tell her how fat she's getting and what an ugly bitch she is so that she knows how much I love her.
Thanks for the advice Fido! You're a big help.

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@MiniMe16,

Good for you, Mimime. You're seeming a lot healthier than you'd indicated. Read carefully what Firefly and Soz wrote.

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Extraordinary spelling, puncuation, vocabulary and writing for a 16 year old.

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@PUNKEY,

Which happens. My 11-year-old writes at that level.

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@MiniMe16,

Minime

Can I ask what happened to your father 3 years ago? And, whether the majority of all of this got worse at that point between you and your Mother?

You reference 13... I am wondering about her coping skills over the death, not that, that is an excuse don't get me wrong.

If you have been cutting, I hope you have stopped that. The rush is only immediate and it's not worth doing, it really only covers up the pain..

You do need to get out of there, it's the only way you will start to be you again and maybe she can heal as well as obviously, she is not coping with life at all.

Having said that, there has to be some love there, she called the ambulance, remember that, so she doesn't wish you were dead at all..

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@sozobe,

sozobe wrote:

I see that Fido's posts are getting voted down, but just to say specifically, MiniMe16, he seems to be projecting his own experiences or something... certainly not helpful in your situation!

While teenaged girls and their mothers often clash, yes, what you are describing is way beyond the usual clashes and into something really destructive.

Maybe just talk to your grandma first and see what she has to say. Then go from there.

Sorry you are in this situation.

What makes you think you are seeing anything like the true facts from this person??? Because she says it??? Young people do not have a good grasp of reality to begin with, or fully developed brains... They often distort events to make themselves look better, and to make others look worse... I do counseling with my own daughter, and this is dbt, and no mean thing to go through and to learn, and without giving specifics, there are a lot of troubled children out there who do not get near the love and attention they require only because they work so hard at the destruction of toxic relationships that may or may not have been toxic before they began deconstructing them...

It is not simply a matter of projection... Every one has more power in their relationships than they will admit... No one loves a victim, so why be one... If you have a relationship with your mother it is a given that it will last as long as both of you live... Why not make it good... Why not determine and decide that you will do all in your power to make it as good as it might be... Granted; that there are a lot of people who will not walk across a side walk to say a kind word for or to their family... Why be one of those??? Find the key to having a good relationship because relating is one of those things one learns with family that applies to all the relationships one may or must maintain in life... Relationships require sacrifice, and compromise... People have to want to make them work, and they do not work without the desire to see them work... She has to want to do her part, and then do it...

Seriously... I have failed at many relationships and some relationships have failed me... If one must leave a relationship behind, then it is essential to travel light, and by that I mean: To know you have done all you can, and then to get on with life without the burden of guilt... Guilt, when people are even capable of feeling it, and some are not, is a crushing weight... Life requires flexibility and speed... We cannot live life looking back with regrets, but must live it forward, and free of guilt at having wasted a good thing...

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@firefly,

I dont really know what I was scared of. Lots of things I guess, I mean, what would happen to my mother if it was reported? Nothing probably, all that would do is piss her off more and make everything worse. Or what if I reported her and they sent me to a group home or foster care where things are worse? Things with my mother (I hate calling her 'mom') are bad now but I'm not stupid enough to think that this is as bad as it could get. Some kids go through way worse with their parents. 'I' could go through way more stuff somewhere else. And if my own mother doesn't give a **** about me, then how could someone else at some foster care or group home? That's what Im scared of I guess. I don't know what to do...

I haven't taken my Lexapro in a couple of months. I have sessions with my counselor every Tuesday from 1-2 pm at school but I have a doctor (not sure if she's a psychiatrist) that I'm supposed to see every month and she prescribes the Lexapro. My mother and grandma weren't taking me to the appointments to see the doctor so I wasn't getting my prescriptions but my counselor called my grandma recently about it and now I have an appointment with my doctor on March 6. I'll talk to the doctor about my mother when I see her. I keep a journal because I have trouble talking during my counseling sessions, so my counselor just reads what I write and we discuss it. I have everything about my mother in there. I'll give it to the doctor so that I dont really have to say anything out loud.

Thank you firefly. Alot of what you said about calling CPS and everything that would happen after that sounds a whole lot easier said than done. I dont know... thats great advice though, thank you. I'll think about everything you said.

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@sozobe,

Thank you.
Yeah Fido has some issues. Like, WTF?

I plan on talking to her today about it. I got out of school a few hours ago and instead of going to my mother's house I took the bus to my grandmas. She's working now but she should be home soon.

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@Ragman,

Thank you. :-)

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I'm 16 and my mothers verbally and sometimes physically abusive. What do I do?

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