I'm 16 and my mothers verbally and sometimes physically abusive. What do I do?

Thank you. I wish my English teacher felt that way,lol.

I looked around this website before I decided to ask for help here. I figured I shouldn't write as if I were texting my friends if I wanted to be taken seriously and I wanted to be sure that people could understand what I was saying so that they could actually help me.

Thanx 4 da complemnt. :-)

Agreeing with Soz and Firefly. Keep letting us know what happens, MiniMe.

My dad was out one night at a club or bar and he was drunk and he got into a fight with some guy he knew from a long time ago (my dad grew up poor and he lived in a bad neighborhood, sold drugs and all kinds of other stuff). Anyway, I guess after the fight the guy called someone and as my dad was leaving the club/bar he was shot twice. My uncle told me everything during the trial (which took about a year). The guy and the other guy he called to shoot my dad got life in prison. I was 13 and my half brother was 2, I think.

Me and my mother never really got along, but I was really really extremely close to my dad and I probably pushed her away a bit after he died. I didn't need her and I didn't want her. I never told her that but she probably felt it. Im not sure if that has anything to do with how things are now though. Her and I were never particularly close, even before my dad died. I always loved my dad more.

My mother and my dad weren't together when he died. My mother was 15 when she had me and my dad was 20. They were never married and my mom broke up with my dad when I was 2 or 3 maybe. They were friends when he died and I know my mother was hurt by it but I'm not sure she had trouble coping.

I stopped cutting about a year ago, then I had started again after a few months and I stopped again after I went to the psych hospital.

I know she loves me. It doesnt feel like it sometimes but I know she does. If she didnt maybe she would've had that abortion 16 1/2 years ago, or maybe she wouldve given me away and she wouldve let me die that night in my room after I took those pills, I was almost dead anyway. I think you can love and hate someone a the same time. She hates how I look and she wishes she had a better daughter. She loves me but she also loves to hurt me. Atleast, that's what I think. I cant read her mind, but that sure is how it seems.

Why do you think that I feel I need to lie to you? What makes you think that I'm trying to impress you or that I care about what you think of me? I'm not here for your approval and I'm not trying to make friends. There's no reason for me to 'try to make myself look better and make others look worse'. I didn't come here saying "my mother does this, this, this and this and I'm just the perfect innocent little 16 year old, isn't my mother just terrible?" I came here and I told you everything I've been through from cutting, to bulimia, to suicide attempts, my father's death, and my mother's abuse (whether you see it as abuse or not) which I 'honestly' feel is making everything else I'm struggling with a whole lot worse, so that I can get advice on what to do from here. All I'm asking for is advice and help so I can figure out what to do. Should I report my mother? Move out? Get sent to a home or foster care? Should I stay and suck it up? Keep getting yelled and cursed at and hit? That's what I want to know, so what the hell are you talking about?

Its really hard to play nice with someone who's treating you like **** Fido, and that's what you're telling me to do. You're acting as if I'm the one who's doing all of this to her. She's not the one getting hurt here, I am. If our relationship 'fails' then I can't see how it would be all of my fault. I don't understand where you're coming from at all. Are you hearing what I'm saying or are you just automatically assuming I'm a problem child based on your past experiences which have absolutely nothing to do with me?

I will, thank you.

Ok, thank you. Bye

Hi MiniMe16,
I am so sorry to hear that. I also have a 16 year old daughter and naturally we sometimes don't see eye to eye, but after we argue, I discuss it with her and 9 times out of 10 she is seeing my point of view and realizes that she was missing some vital information.

It's perfectly natural to disagree with your mother, what's not normal is the
verbal abuse and the physical abuse. Your mother has anger issues and it might be due to her young age, or other factors that influence her to act this
way.

Becoming a mother at 15/16 is certainly not easy and my guess is, your mom
just coped with it very poorly. There is probably also a lot of resentment on her part that her youth was cut short and she had responsibilities for a child while her friends were carefree and partying. Unfortunately, she has made you the scapegoat for her own resentments and anger for mistakes she made in her youth. It certainly isn't your fault, but since your mom hasn't learned to cope with it rationally and she won't take responsibility either until she gets professional help.

The good thing is, that despite your age, you have realized that your mom
is doing all these things because she hasn't learned to cope with her situation. You're seeking help in getting better and you and your counselor should encourage her to seek help as well. It only can help the both of you.
Your mom probably isn't willing at first, she might think that she'll be blamed for everything, but in assuring her that the therapist will help her to cope, might convince her.

You're a strong young lady and I am proud of your coping skills, despite the setbacks you have experienced. For now, just focus on yourself and getting to an emotionally healthy state.

Forget about Fido, he should not give advice to anyone and care more about his own mental abilities.

Hey MiniMe thank you for answering.


I am sorry, for your loss. It's hard losing a parent so young and you must have felt shattered, especially with the bond you two obviously had....

People cope differently with pain.. Sometimes that "quick" fix, seems to be the answer but it's not, honestly..

I think all little girls are their Daddy's little Princess and there just seems to be such a different special bond with a Dad, than their is a Mom. I think Mom's have it tough really. There is that intuition, and experiences as a girl themselves, that they fear for their own child. Usually a Daddy, kind of laughs with you and usually a Mom kind of continually tells you off I don't know why it always seems to be that as a Mom you are the bad guy, but it is. It's funny though, when you are older in your 20's and have your own child, you will see things a little differently. Cause you will be the bad one and your husband will be the good one

I think that your Mother as she classed your Dad as a "friend" also has had and is having a hard time about the death of your Dad and I agree with you, I also think that she knows that you pushed her away and maybe she feels she has no one now? Do you think that maybe if you sat down with her and told her what you told us, that she would open up about how she is feeling? She may be going through just as much pain not just from your Dad's death but with not knowing how to help you through it.. Perhaps that does pain her and she doesn't have the skills to understand and react accordingly.

Sometimes, Mothers also so don't want history repeated. It's possible that she wants better for you than what she chose as to why she says things.. Maybe she thinks she is using reverse physcology and doesn't realise she is pushing you away more and hurting you inside. I don't know sweety all I do know is that deep inside, you also think that she does actually love you and maybe it's time the two of you talked about what happened, how you both have been feeling the last 3 years and where you may go from here...

She has a little 5 year old? As well. Do you get on with his Father? Is he someone also you can converse with?

And, sweet, she doesn't hate the way you look, she is either venting her own feelings or trying to make you the beautiful person you are inside, not every one knows how to go about things...

Tough lives sometimes equates to the thinking of "tough love" but sometimes that backfires to bite them in the bum:)

You know, you have nothing to lose you are almost 17, but sitting down with her and re-reading this thread and putting together a conversation not about how you hate her, or what she says, or does, but about life, and your Dad, and that you know she loves you and how she feels about all that happened.

Having someone you love and the friendship is also about "her daughter's father", so a bit more love than just friends, shot is hard on anyone.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss but it's a big world out there with so much happiness to be had, you have a huge future ahead of you...

Do you have dreams? Goals? What do you want to do in College?

I'm glad you'll be seeing the psychiatrist next week. Showing the psychiatrist your journal, and talking about your mother with her, is a good idea.

I don't think you'd wind up in a group home or in foster care if you do contact CPS. In situations like yours, where you'd be the one requesting the placement, they'd much rather place someone in the care of a relative, like your grandmother. If your grandma is willing to have you live with her, she might look into applying to be a kinship foster parent for you. She'd then receive some money to help cover your expenses, if finances are a concern for her. And it would give your grandma some legal status for your care, and that might benefit both of you. Grandmothers do this sort of thing all the time.

And I doubt CPS would do much with your mother, other than read her the riot act, and inform her of the laws regarding child abuse, both physical and emotional abuse, which might be a good wake-up call for her. When emotional abuse is so severe that it drives a child to a suicide attempt, that's something that both your psychiatrist, and CPS, generally take pretty seriously in terms of trying to relieve the situation for the child, by placing you with your grandma, for instance. And, if your mother didn't take you to your psychiatrist visits so you could get your prescriptions, she's also legally guilty of medical neglect as well. I hope the psychiatrist will be helpful to you in trying to decide what to do. As long as you know you have options, and people who want to help you, you shouldn't feel helpless.

I am truly sorry that your mother seems to make you the scapegoat for her own personal problems. You deserve better. The good part is that you are close to being an adult and you will then be free to shape your own life and to create an environment for yourself which is supportive rather than destructive.

I am glad you have both a counselor and a psychiatrist you can talk to, it's important not to keep your feelings buried. Let me know how it goes with the psychiatrist next week.

Remember MiniMe - most of us have to take Fido off ignore just to vote down its posts. Sometimes it's worth the bother, sometimes not.

Thank you. :-)
I guess I could talk to my counselor this Tuesday and ask her to try to talk my mother into getting therapy too, but I doubt it would work.
Honestly, I really don't care at this point if my mother gets counseling or not. I don't think our relationship can be fixed after all these years of hating each other and I just want to get away from her. She had a bad day at work today I guess and she took it out on me like always, when she's mad she likes to make other people feel bad too. She didn't hit me today though, just yelling and stuff. I'm sick of it.

I talked to my grandma yesterday night about staying with her for a week so I can get away from my mother for a while. She was fine with it so tomorrow after school I'm taking the bus to her house and staying over there for the weekend then I'll call my mother on Sunday night and ask if I can just stay with my grandma for the rest of the week.

good.

Thank you.

I don't think this is about my dad. It'll be 4 years this July. I know that she was hurt when he died and it's was hard for her but I don't think my dads death is still affecting her. I don't think it has much to do with how things are now.

My mother isn't the easiest person to talk to. I doubt we could sit down and have a heart to heart. Plus I have social anxiety and it's really hard for me to talk to people and open up. I'm working on it with my counselor but I don't think I'm making much progress. I've been hold everything in for as long as I can remember.

I'm my mothers only child. My half brother is my dad's son. My little brother is autistic and lives with his mom in Texas. I barely get to see him but I talked to him on the phone last week on his birthday. He doesn't remember me.

No dreams, no goals, not really looking forward to college. Not even sure I want to be here next year. I'm just taking everything one day at time I guess.

Thank you.

Sunday I got permission from my mother to stay with my grandma for the week and it's been great. I love my grandma and I love living with her. It's only been a few days and I'm already feeling better. I'm dreading going back to my mother's this Friday.

I'm a little nervous about seeing my doctor today. I don't usually discuss anything with her. She usually just asks me a few questions, I nod my head yes or no and then 15 mins later I'm out of there. I've got a lot of crap in my journal and my counselors been really cool and understanding about it but I don't know how my doctors going to react. I'm hoping I don't end up back in the psychiatric hospital.

I haven't talked to my grandma about it but I know that if I couldn't live with my mother she wouldn't just let me go to a home or anything. I think she would help out, so I'm not so worried about that any more.

Thank you very much. :-)
I'm seeing my counselor today at 1pm and my doctor right after school. I will let you know how everything goes.

Then don't go back to live with your mother on Friday. Ask your grandmother if you can remain with her--indefinitely, so everyone can see how that goes.

And, if at all possible, ask your grandmother to accompany you when you return to your mother's house--go back on Saturday if your grandmother works during the week. Do this so you and your grandmother can both sit down with your mother and tell her that you both think it''s a better arrangement if you don't live with her right now, at least for the time being. Don't start a fight, don't start blaming your mother, and don't over-react to anything she says, just calmly tell her that you've been struggling with a lot of emotional issues and you need to be in a different place while you try to work these out--and that would also be the truth. Then pack some clothes, and go back to your grandmother's home with her.

Given the amount of conflict between you and your mother, she really shouldn't object that much to your staying with your grandmother, her life will be a little calmer too. But, even if she does object, I think you need your grandmother to run a little interference for you and back you up about staying with her, if that's agreeable to her. I think you do need to get out of your mother's house, at least for a little while, to give yourself a respite from all that stress. I am so glad you've had a few great days with your grandmother, I think you are entitled to many more such days and weeks.

I hope you won't be too nervous when you speak to the psychiatrist. I do think you have to give her some idea of the emotional and physical abuse you're subjected to at home--she has to have some idea of why you're depressed and anxious, what you are reacting to. You won't wind up back in the hospital. In fact, the fact that you went and spent time with your grandmother, shows you are attempting to cope with the situation as well as you can. You are seeing your counselor regularly. You are talking about your problems, even here, so, as long as you aren't doing anything to harm yourself, or seriously thinking about harming yourself, things seem to be on the right track, and you are managing to get yourself some positive sources of support, so you are making good use of your inner strengths.

MiniMe16, look forward to going to college, look forward to an exciting future for yourself. You'll be in more control once you turn 18, and that isn't all that far away. Things aren't great now, but they will get better. And, if you can continue staying with your grandmother, they may get better a little sooner rather than later. Removed from the daily stress of having to deal with your mother, you'll be able to focus better on sorting out your feelings and re-gaining your emotional balance. And, hopefully, that will allow you to enjoy some other aspects of your life.

So, please, MiniMe16, talk with your grandmother about remaining with her, at least for a while. And, if she agrees that you can do that, ask her to go back with you this weekend so you can both talk to your mother. It sounds like you, and probably your mother as well, would both benefit from a little more time apart from each other to give both of you a breather, and I hope your grandmother will agree with that.

If you need to, ask your counselor if you can talk to her twice a week. Draw on all the sources of support available to you, including this thread if you find it helpful. You have people in your corner who are rooting for you--remember that.

How did things go with your counselor and the psychiatrist, MiniMe16?

Just today in Dear Abby:
hotline for Childhelp 800-422-4453

BTW - I find that psychiatrists, because they are MDs, really do very little in the way of counseling and therapy. Instead, they watch the bio-chemical aspect of the child. A psychologist or counselor leading a group of peers would benefit this gal more, IMHO. But first, the medication has to level her out, so help/counseling/ treatment is accepted. Most psychiatrists will refer to the psychologist for long term treatment.