Can life have meaning if your dreams are unattainable?

here's a club that might help you

Yeah that's his calling.

MichaelJ,
there isn't a soul in the world who hasn't experienced a lost love. Sooner or later, we all get over it and move on. You apparently don't! Now, you have two options: either whine from here until eternity and remain a wimp, or
get yourself together, count your losses and move on! Every pot finds its lid and there is also a woman out there that's perfect for you.

No one wants to deal with a whiny wimp though, that is something your mother should have dealt with, a girlfriend/wife deserves an adult relationship.

What do you mean you "didn't really know how to act" when you went to Thanksgiving dinner at Ms. Poppin's parents' house?
How did you act that bothered her or her parents?

How old are you? I figure you must be at least 30. Is there a reason this particular birthday had you feeling depressed?

I think you're a woman firefly, and I think I've offended you.

I'm sorry. You seem like a smart person, and I honestly think women are superior to men. That however doesn't change truths in life. Just because something isn't pleasant doesn't make it less true.

Here's another analogy. I call this the super powers test. I think that the kind of person you REALLY are would come to the forefront if you were granted super powers. If you were Superman and you had these amazing abilities that others didn't how would you use them?

I think ALL women have super powers. They are the most beautiful, intriguing and awe inspiring creatures on the planet. However instead of using these gifts to save babies from burning buildings and stop terrorists, 99.95% of them use their gifts to rob banks and hold the president hostage.

This is what I think about when I think about "big" questions. If humanity has anything redeemable at all, why is it that people do things for the simple reason that they can get away with it? Why not think about whether they should do it in the first place?

It's like the mad scientist who accidentally creates a horrible plague just because science will allow it.

I told you my communication process is stifled right now but I'll answer your questions and give you a bit more information.

First of all there's no way I could ever explain every nuance of the relationship I had with Ms. Poppins. It was a very complex thing (as are most relationships).

Here's the thing about her though, she has far more emotional problems than me!!! By the account of everyone who knows her, and including her own words, she's flipping crazy!! I believe she's an undiagnosed bipolar because of the wild moods shifts she constantly displays. She even punched me in the face one night when she was upset.

When I went to thanksgiving with her I was so worried people wouldn't like me. I'm such a shy person. It takes me forever to warm up to most people. Plus we hadn't been dating for long at this point, AND this was the first woman I'd dated in six years, AND I was living with her! Right away! We never had a chance to have that "normal" amount of space when you're first dating someone.

I was very quiet the entire time at her parents place. I know it's SUPER important to her to have her man be in good with her friends and family and I'm just not good with MOST people period. She'd always beg me to come out drinking with her friends, but when she drinks she gets all moody and picks fights. Most of the time I'd decline because I could predict her mood shift when drinking. The night she punched me, she had been begging me to come out and I finally surrendered. Then she has this wild mood flip because I backed her car out of the driveway the wrong way and punches me in the face!

She's such a beautiful human being. She has so many amazing qualities to her person. Like she has beauty in her "soul", but she's absolutely crazy.

Also I'm not a "needy 13 yr old". If anything my mind is stuck in my 20's because I have so much unfinished business there. I only dated one person my whole 20's!!!! I feel like I missed out! My fiance stole the prime of my life away from me, and if anything that era carries much more weight and pain than even the deaths of my parents.

As far as being a wimp, I've supported myself my entire life without any safety net. I've been homeless, worked my way through college without help, lost all my belongings in a flood and had to start over, and lost AMAZING, irreplaceable people along the way. I've lived more in my short life than most people have by the time they're 3X my age.

The reason this birthday is so depressing is because everyone I know (and most of these people are much younger than I) is married or has kids or whatever. I'm a thinking person. I know life is passing me by. I've seen best friends die, I've seen people lose everything. I know life is short. I know life does include loss, but I didn't want my only memory of TRULY being in love to end in such a horrible way.

I'm running out of time. What if Ms. Poppins was the only shot I ever had at being happy and living my dream?

Ms. Poppins used me. What she did wasn't right. I don't think she ever loved me and I think she knew this but kept lying to me anyway.

She told me that she "needed to have control' in all her relationships. She also cheated on every boyfriend she'd ever had except for (according to her) myself and Jack.

She really loved Jack, and he was a douchbag. But because he was so manipulative and smooth, he was able to keep up with her game playing and keep her on her toes. He'd hit on other girls right in front of her! So when they broke up what better way to "win" and "have control" over him then to date one of his friends!!!

That's why she so badly wanted me to take her to the company Christmas party. She wanted to publicly "win" against Jack.

It's just very, very sick thinking. And it's not right. She knew I hadn't dated anyone in six years. She knew I cared about her very deeply. She knew she didn't love me, yet she used me to win against Jack and make herself feel better.

I lost a friend who I can never replace. Someone who would talk to me about how good looking our kids were gonna be. Someone who I had a connect with that I don't think I'll ever understand completely.

I'm running out of time and if that was the happiest I could ever be, what difference does the rest of life make?

Also I never wanted Ms. Poppins to mother me! I'm more than self sufficient.

I wanted a friend, a lover, and a companion.

I don't think it has meaning even if your dreams ARE attainable.

Michael, one of the things that strike me, is that you are a very intelligent person - your english is very good (it's a difficult language to command), and your expression of ideas are quite articulate...

...that said, your view of life is very skewed. You focus on the negatives, and hold on to the negatives to reinforce to yourself that 'life is this way'...when it simply isn't - it's just one possible aspect of life...and one that ends in depression. You can choose to learn to adopt outlooks that don't lead to depression (although this is very difficult as you will be breaking many, many, mental habits that are quite interlocked. It can be done individually, but usually requires help)

One truism of life is that if you start searching and don't stop, eventually you will find what you are looking for - in (almost) anything.

From there, you can be caring with no strings attached, you can be loving with no strings attached, you can say 'you're beautiful' with no strings attached. You can place greater, and greater importance on people, with no strings attached. It's an endearing place to come from.

At the moment you think Marry Poppins is the end of the line - when she's not. If there were only one girl for each guy, we would never find them in the 6 Billion people (so say, 3 Billion women) on this earth, and the human race would die out. The truth is that there are many women out there compatible with us...and we also have some responsibility to develop our maturity / compatibility / relationship skills / self-esteem / indviduality (which isn't done for others, but for ourselves) etc

Currently you are so focused on pleasing others, that you can't see that it is our unique individuality (that we develop for ourselves) that others are attracted to - not the non-genuine attempts to extract adoration from them - that turns people off. When you want something from them - they can tell, and they don't like it, because your 'nicecess' comes with a hook. Once you do it purely because it's a part of you, and not because you want them to like you, then people start to like you...it's a very different outlook than the one you hold - which is currently ALL outwards, rather than a balance of inwards & outwards.

Your problems will never abate while you think others hold the key to your happiness...they simply do not - you need to be happy within you, and others will simply enhance that (rather than 'give it to you').

This is what relationships are about - others enhancing the happiness we already possess. But without our own happiness we are just a drain on the other, and the relationship will never last.

Learn to look after yourself, to go after what you want, to achieve what you want, to be proud of what you desire, to be proud of your gender & all it entails (i'm guessing you are embarassed by being a man and having sexual desires, and hide this from women)...learn to stand up for yourself, to not let women trample on you, to have a right to make decisions about what the two of you are going to do today, to tell her when she's being rude or disrespectful etc...as well as telling her that she's beautiful, in a way that says 'I don't want anything from you, you are just plain beautiful'...etc

From there you can be caring without strings attached, be loving without strings attached, go after what you want while at the same time not expecting any outcome...being the genuine you - without strings attached

Ie. be yourself, learn to be yourself, learn who you are, practice being yourself (it does take practice), etc.

I am a woman, but I'm not offended by you.

I think your gender stereotypes are just plain absurd. You won't understand a damn thing about yourself, or your relationships, by engaging in such an idiotic line of thought. People, both males and females, are individuals, unique personalties. And you seem to have some problems in all your interpersonal relationships--including those you've had with therapists. This has more to do with you than any of your crazy views regarding gender. You've got to start looking at yourself, and your problems. You continually externalize blame for your difficulties. If you don't knock that off, you'll get nowhere.

For instance, why are you such a shy person, and what makes you so uncomfortable in social situations, like that Thanksgiving dinner? How come you're not interested in other people, and getting to know them? What is your social anxiety all about? Why does it keep you from being just socially friendly, and making polite conversation, with people who've invited you to share dinner with them? Do you realize that if you remain quiet, you put the burden on other people to try to make conversation with you? They have to work to draw you out.
Or they can think you are being rude by remaining so quiet.
Things like that affect your ability to attract or interest women as well. How can you date someone new if conversation is difficult for you? How can you seem self-assured? How can you even flirt?

What on earth do you mean, "My fiance stole the prime of my life away from me"?
Don't you ever stop being the victim and blaming others? You weren't held captive in the relationship--your finance didn't keep you chained in a basement somewhere--you chose to be in that relationship. And why the hell were you in a 6 year engagement? Where did you expect this relationship to go--why didn't you marry her?
Maybe it was safer for you to be in a relationship for that length of time, simply because it spared you the anxiety of having to date different women. And you managed to avoid the commitment of marriage--so you really weren't gung ho about settling down to family life.

And, after that one broke up, because she chose to go looking for more excitement, you went 6 years without dating anyone else.

You have relationship problems, buddy. Cut all the crap about gender and "women"--it's not even a good smokescreen. You've got problems in your relationships with other people--particularly women.

I think you look around, and see friends who are married and have kids, and you realize your own personal problems have prevented you from forming those sorts of adult attachments and commitments. And you haven't exactly been doing much dating or enjoying the single life either--not with 2 girlfriends in what, 12 years?
You know things aren't working out or going well for you. And that's why you need to see a therapist and really try to understand yourself, and all the anxieties that are holding you back socially and interpersonally. You'll never be able to do that if you keep externalizing blame for your problems. You have some rather serious problems that interfere with having a happy life, and decent relationships, particularly with the opposite sex.

Stop the adolescent nonsense about Ms. Poppins being the one true love of your life. It doesn't even sound as if it was a particularly great love affair--it was a nice relationship for you with a person you really liked, who made you feel good, but also a person who really was never head over heels in love with you, and you knew that all along. There was never a future for you with this woman. And, after a while, she likely felt too smothered by your dependency, and your need for her, and she moved on. And you honestly sound more angry about being rejected, than heartbroken.

Your problem isn't Ms. Poppins, so stop re-hashing all the bad things she did to you. Your problem is why it took you 6 years to become involved with a woman--and you weren't even sure you even wanted to get involved with her, according to you, she was the one who pushed the relationship.

And now you're alone again. And that's where you have to start from, preferably with the help of a therapist. You have serious relationship problems.

Our capacity to love is infinite. If you can love one person, you have the capacity to love others. But, are you really sure you are capable of love--real love, where the welfare of the other person is as important to you as your own--and love that isn't being distorted by your fantasies and "dreams" and needs? You might have to work through some other issues in therapy before you can really experience that.

You need to get out and start meeting people, both men and women, who are also closer to your own age. Start working on your shyness, get interested in other people. Learn to feel more comfortable and verbal in social situations--everything improves with practice. All of this will help you to have less anxiety about dating, and it will help to built your self confidence. Read self-help books, to help you feel more socially at ease and learn how to make small talk.

So, stop being so overly dramatic, and self-pitying, and go find yourself a good shrink. You're right, life is short, and your problems are holding you back. So, stop wasting time with all your pseudo-philosophical and gender-stereotype crap, and devote all of that energy to a productive self-analysis with the help of a professional. It's the obstacles and anxieties within yourself that you have to confront, and acknowledge, and deal with, because then you can start getting control over them rather than having them control you. And then your life will have many more options open to you, particularly regarding relationships with women. Your personal problems have you very boxed in right now. Deal with them.
Your coping mechanisms, while protecting you from anxiety, are counter-productive when it comes to healthy, satisfying relationships, or even seeking those out. You have a lot of emotional re-learning to do--and you can do it. Please go back into therapy. Let it be your birthday present to yourself.

And stop getting drunk. That's only going to create another set of problems for you, if it hasn't already.

So, how old are you? 35? 40?

I'm just shy. THAT'S JUST THE WAY I ******* AM. I'm introverted. I'm awkward. I can't help it! Why is me being an introvert something I have to change? Like it's a disease or something. Introverts are fuckin' cool man. Some of the greatest artists in history have been introverts. Extroverts are pompous assholes, how about that?

I know people think I'm rude or stoned or whatever the **** sometimes when they talk to me. Maybe I'm just boring and don't have anything interesting to say?!? Can't I just be boring??? Aren't there any hot boring chicks out there who can relate to a boring guy??? Must I be entertaining all the ******* time?? People think I'm angry when I'm neutral or sad when I'm neutral. Sometimes I'm just neutral!!!

I have nothing to talk about, and most importantly I'm not smooth with my words. I stumble. I don't know why I do, I just do.

I wasn't engaged for six years. I dated her for five. It was for six years after her I didn't date anyone. I met her when I was 21/almost 22. She was 18. We dated utill I was 26 and she was 22, then we got engaged and we were engaged for a year until SHE FUCKED SOMEONE ELSE IN MY APARTMENT WHILE I WAS VISITING MY BEST FRIEND A WEEK BEFORE HE DIED.

She stole my prime years because I wasted all that time with her because I thought we were gonna get married. And then after she opened my chest and pulled my still beating heart out, I had to say goodbye to my best friend without her support in those goddamn horrible following months. She married the very next guy after me just like Ms Poppins.

I would've married her. I had no idea whatsoever that was coming. In fact we took about a month a part the previous summer and after we got back together it was stronger than it had ever been. We had the best year together that year until the very end.

There have been other women that have come and gone in my life in those 12 years. It's just that I only had 2 girlfriends. Two people who I actually connected with. However after what happened with my fiance, there were far less women who'd even give me a chance (probably because that bitch stole 5 years of my youth and zest for life from me). I lived in a very dark state of mind because I felt traumatized and I didn't sleep more than 4 hours a night for a very long time and have pretty tired eyes now because of it, bags under my eyes.


You don't know or have the right to tell me what happened with me and Mary Poppins 'wasn't a particularly great love affair" You weren't there. I wouldn't be so broken hearted just because some cute chick winked at me. We had some great adventures together and twists and thrills. I didn't know that she wasn't 'head over heals in love with me' until the end! It's hard to notice that when a beautiful woman you're LIVING WITH is telling you she LOVES you, spending lots of time with you, talking about future plans, and telling you to try to get her pregnant!

I have every right to be angry about what Mary Poppins did.

My whole youth women were attracted to me. I mean not EVERY woman I met, but I was a good lookin kid. I looked like my dad. My dad was a stud. he was a pilot.

Especially my early twenties/late teens, there were quite a few women that would approach me. However it didn't matter then either because I was so awkward. Some people are just awkward. they might mean well, but it just comes out wrong. I can't help that. I've never liked being the center of attention.


That didn't mean I didn't want women. I was horny as hell!!! I would've thrown down with any or all of them. But I wasn't smooth. It didn't matter how I meant well and tried hard, I just wasn't smooth. If I had been as goodlookin of a kid as I was during those times but had been born female instead I would've been with FAR more people. Because I could've been with anybody I wanted if I was a young, attractive female. I would've had far more relationships. I wouldn't have had to say anything smooth at all. I could've been as boring as I wanted.

Don't ******* tell me I don't know how to put the "welfare of the other person is as important to you as your own". I may have only had two girlfriends but you have NO idea how much hell I went through to bend over backwards for those women. In fact my entire life was rearranged to live with Ms. Poppins. think about it, She was not only my first girlfriend in six years, she was the first person (male or female) I'd lived with in ten years!!!

I don't want to date someone "my own age". My dad was 20 years older than my mom and I thought that was cool. My dad was had so many stories and cool friends and my mom was beautiful and funny. I got my great laugh and dark hair and eyes and smile from my mom.

I didn't get to date other people in my twenties, am I just supposed to date an old lady now?

Plus if I dated someone my own age I'd have to deal with their past. If someone Ms. Poppins age has been with all the men she's been with, I can only imagine someone my age. I've had TWO girlfriends. It was hard enough hearing all of Ms. Poppins stories, including how she had an abortion at 17 and had been promiscuous all through her late teens/early twenties, done crazy stuff. I don't want to be with someone who has double that much of a past. **** that.

Yep, and drinking IS keeping me alive! Screw you. I'm drunk right now, happy? I don't have anyone to spend time with. What the hell else am I supposed to do?

I'm 33 as of last Friday!! Happy??

So the only two women I've ever loved didn't love me back! It was probably just because I'm boring and old and ugly. Are you happy firefly??? If I can ever trick someone into loving me again, I'll probably have to settle for someone who doesn't make me feel as happy or alive or excited as those two did when it was good. Are you happy? I suck, I get it. I'm a failure, a loser.

Just because they didn't love me doesn't diminish what those people meant to me. It doesn't change that I loved them. It doesn't unmake the memories I have of them. So yes I do have the capacity to love someone else. It just appears that I was born into random life circumstances that rendered me unlovable. I know I'm not a real person. That's why fate has never afforded me a real life.

Are you a great artist?

Maybe someday I could be. Or could've been.

Well if you do make it, you should thank your ex. Misery helps the creative process a lot more than happiness. Instead of pouring all your energy into self pity why don't you try doing something creative?

It seems you don’t understand a very basic aspect of life – and that is that we are entirely responsible for our own life, for who we are, and for every decision we make.

Other people contribute to all that, and influence such...but we are ultimately entirely responsible for who we are and what we do and say.

No one else can actually control our mind. We aren't robots that they have a remote control to. We are our only true masters, and we are responsible for 'us'.
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In terms of relationships, you don’t appear to take much responsibility for your part in them. And you don’t appear to care one iota about the many, many things you could do to make yourself more interesting to women : Eg.
- Learn ballroom, or Latin dancing
- Join a volunteer organisation
- Take up photography
- Learn handwriting analysis / palm reading
- Develop passions
- Play sports / get fit
- Go to the gym
- Join a sports club (tennis / squash / racquetball / touch football etc)
- Visit markets (as a hobby)
- Take up hiking (there are clubs that do this too)
- Learn a different language (this is actually very good for your brain too)

These of course are just random ideas, and there are many more that you can do. Other activities, which are more self focused include :
- Start learning how to develop self esteem
- Learn how to stop indulging in self deception
- Learn how to display confidence, including body language, tone, pacing etc (which actually helps in building self esteem)
- Spend quiet time understanding yourself

In other words – you can take responsibility for who you are, and your value in relationships. You can ‘learn to be smoother’, you can learn to be less introverted, you can learn to be more interesting, you can learn to be optimistic, you can learn to be confident, you can learn to be assertive etc.

Just because it takes a great deal longer than 2 seconds to learn, doesn’t mean they all can’t be done
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Coming back to ‘you are entirely responsible for who you are’ – no one is capable of ‘stealing your years’. Only you can choose to view it this way. Others choose to view such events in a different way – so it is not an automatic ‘she stole my years’ – that is purely your choice to view it that way.

Yep. Anger is good & genuine. Indulging in victimhood isn’t.

That’s a fearful way to look at things.

So, when are you going to accept who you are? It’s quite obvious that you don’t like yourself. When are you going to start taking responsibility for your life, and making yourself into someone you like?

It's the only way you'll get out of your rut. And it's actually an enjoyable journey (once you get into it far enough that you can see it actually works, and is worth every moment of it)

Because I have no creative ideas anymore. It's been like this for about those six years. I can't get it back. I used to have great ideas. I know they're there somewhere. But I need new creative outlets too. There's something I could do, that I always wanted to do but it's too expensive. More of that chips have fallen where they lay thinking? Maybe, but it's true.

It doesn't take much money to write a novel. That can be very therapeutic, and does wonders for your self esteem.

You're right, I don't like myself.

I'm too old now though. Some things you just can't do older in life.

What if I died tomorrow? Then all that work wouldn't matter.

But if I live to 35 and get hit by a bus after trying for two years to make myself better, only to still be alone; wouldn't that be sadder than if I'd just spent my time drinking and sleeping away the part of life that I can't drink?

sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays

Go to an A.A. meeting.

If you start taking some responsibility for your life, and the choices you make, you'll be able to climb out of the misery pit you've chosen to put yourself in. You are not the helpless victim of an unkind fate. You've got a lot of personal problems, and you've got the choice of either letting those problems continue to screw up your life, or getting some help and working to change those aspects of yourself, and your life, that are very much within your control to change.

No one is going to suddenly come into your life, wave a wand, and magically make things better for you. Do you want a better life, do you want to feel less miserable? Then get yourself some help and start working on bringing about change. That's something only you can do for yourself. There are people who can help you, but you're the one who has to reach out for help.

Judging by your posts here, you'd rather stay miserable, and angry, and nurse your resentments, than do anything to actually help yourself take charge of your life. You're the one making that choice. If you want to cheat yourself out of the possibility of a better life, you're the only one who will suffer by doing that. If you want to keep dulling the pain with alcohol, which actually makes the pain worse, rather than treat the source of the pain within you, that's your choice. If you don't want to be an active participant in shaping and controlling your own life, that's your choice.

I can't join you in your indulgence in self pity. It's hard to feel sorry for a man who'd rather drown than learn how to swim, particularly when swimming lessons are quite available. It's hard to feel sorry for a man who'd rather starve than learn how to get food, cook it, and feed himself, when he is quite capable of learning those things.

You're the one who has to realize you need help and then get it for yourself. I do think you should go to an A.A. meeting. You have a problem with alcohol abuse, and you can't successfully address your other problems until you take care of that one. I do think you need to see a therapist. You have emotional and personality problems that interfere with the ability to form and maintain successful relationships and that consequently interferes with your ability to satisfy your needs. These problems are within you, and so is the potential to alter them. Stop worrying about "The Meaning of Life" and start giving your life some meaning and direction. Start taking responsibility for your life, and get yourself the help you need so that you can more effectively control your life.

Or, you can do nothing, remain passive, and continue getting drunk and wallowing in self-misery and resentment

The ball is in your court.

Are you saying that Mary Poppins didn't do anything wrong?

Are saying that it's OK for a woman to tell a man that she loves him when she really doesn't? Even if she knows she's going to hurt him very much?

I want to know why women are allowed to use men, why that's OK.

people use people, sure it's shitty, but it happens, move on