@MichaelJ,
MichaelJ, stop trying to make over-generalizations about women and what you think they want. Human relationships are complex interactions of two
individuals and thinking about them in terms of overly simplistic and inaccurate gender stereotypes won't help you in the slightest.
There is no guaranteed happily ever after in romantic relationships, no matter how much in love two people feel at the outset. As much as we might wish for and want those strong emotional bonds to remain firm indefinitely, sometimes they do, but sometimes they don't. Even the best relationships take work, a lot of work, because conflicts are inevitable, needs change, and external events impact lives. Most romantic relationships have a limited shelf life. One out of two marriages ends in divorce. Sometimes our hearts get broken, sometimes we break the hearts of others. Happiness in a relationship does not always last forever. Our lives are shaped by our experiences of attachments and loss.
I did not, at all mean to insult you by describing you as a "needy child". I do think you have deep needs to be cared for and loved, but I think you see yourself in the helpless and dependent position of a child. And, as a child, you were "abandoned" by your parents when they died, and there is no greater loss or emotional trauma a child can suffer. And the loss of a significant relationship, such as the one with your fiancée, or Ms. Poppins, still rocks you to your core, and it leaves you feeling just as hopeless and helpless and anxious and confused as you must have felt when you were 12. And, because of that, you become depressed, and retreat into yourself, and feel you have "zero control" over events. You don't have control over events, and you can't control how others act, but you can control how you react to those things, including how you choose to deal with rejection, and how you address your problems with self esteem.
You've told us how the two important women in your life let you down and betrayed you. And, in both relationships, you either seem to have missed all the signals that something was amiss with your partner, or you just didn't address them, until the other person clearly wanted out. But, in both instances, in talking about these relationships, you don't seem to have gained much insight into yourself or your partners or what was actually going on between the two of you.
Quote:And the more I'd let myself care about her and more importantly LET HER KNOW THAT, the less attracted she became to me.
Has it occurred to you that Ms. Poppins might have experienced your dependency on her, and your need for her, as rather stifling, or even burdensome? You might have made her feel too responsible for your emotional well being, and too responsible for being your emotional caretaker, which is why she might have felt the need for her own psychological space, to be "single for awhile", to find "independence". She might have felt smothered by your needs, and by what you felt were expressions of love, and that just wasn't what she needed at that point in her life. She might have enjoyed the relationship for a time, but her needs might have changed, people aren't static, relationships aren't static. Not all couples live happily ever after. That's life.
Quote:Women are impossible. I will never be the leader of men, rich, outgoing, smooth talker that they require. And they have ALL the control in relationships. They can just pick and choose who they want. They have never ending options available to them.
That's absolute rubbish. You're thinking that way because you feel helpless and sorry for yourself because this woman chose to move on with her life without you. If all women required a, "leader of men, rich, outgoing, smooth talker" most men would be sitting alone, or enjoying each other's company, because very few men fall into that category.
None of us have "never ending options" available to us--all of us appeal to some people more than others. All of us will be a better match with some people rather than others, and that's based on our individual personalities more than anything else. Those rich, smooth-talking, leaders of men aren't all in blissful relationships and living happily ever after either. And women have no more control in a relationship than a man does--relationships have conflicts, people make demands on each other, compromises have to be made, it's a continuous process of give and take--a good relationship has balance, not one person in control. And plenty of women wind up being rejected, or betrayed, by men they loved and trusted. You've never been a woman, so your perspective is rather skewed.
Quote:I was simply born into a life that won't allow a woman in. I have zero control over this. I can't be someone I'm not.
These are very dark days for me. I'm trying very hard to find other meaning in life. It's so, so hard. It was SIX years of being alone before Ms. Poppins. Thinking about having to go that long again to possibly only lose again gives me truly dark thoughts.
It's great that you can love and enjoy women, and that you want a close female companion sharing your life. And stop telling yourself you can't find one. You're afraid of being hurt and rejected again, but that's the risk we all take when we get involved with someone and develop strong feelings for them, and, if we don't make ourselves vulnerable in that way, we don't feel love. You've got to be able to "allow a woman in" if you want to feel love and be loved. You've got to be willing to take a risk--there are no guarantees that the other person will forever be by your side. You take life, and relationships, one day at a time.
Work on your self esteem, and stop telling yourself you don't measure up to other men. If you don't like and accept yourself, why should a woman be attracted to you? So she can bolster your sagging ego? What you have to offer other people is yourself, and you have to like yourself, and believe that what you have to give to others is something of value. You have to believe you are lovable, just for yourself, otherwise you should question the sanity of any person who says they love and care about you.
Stop worrying about "the meaning of life" and start putting some meaning into your life. Set some specific goals for yourself. If you are lonely, how can you improve your social life? What kind of groups or organizations can you join where you can pursue some sort of interest of yours and meet new people at the same time?
If caring about others is important to you, look for some volunteer work you can do, or an organization that works to improve the welfare of others, and donate some time and energy toward a good cause. It's a lot better than moping around feeling sorry for yourself, and it will help you to be the kind of altruistic person you seem to admire.
Anything you can do to meet new people, both men and women, will help to expand your horizons beyond where they are now, and it will increase the chances you'll find a woman you'd like to become involved with. Men have sisters or daughters they can introduce you to, or their girlfriends or wives have female friends looking to meet someone. Believe it or not, women can have a hard time meeting someone too.
And casual dating is fine, the more people you go out with, the more likely it is you'll find that companion you're looking for. And it sounds like you might need to hang out with some people, including women, who are closer to your own age if everyone you know is younger than you are.
Quote:That's thanks to a concept called learned helplessness. I didn't become this way overnight. I've learned over the course of a lifetime that this is simply how life is.
That's not how life is. You are not helpless, and if you've learned to be helpless, or learned to think of yourself as helpless, that's something you've got to work on, probably in therapy, because that's how you'll overcome your depression.
Your relationship with Ms. Poppins wasn't all bad, some parts of it were exactly what you wanted, it just didn't last. But, what was good about that relationship, and the way you felt in that relationship, is what should motivate you to start looking to meet more people and to start dating again. It shouldn't take you another 6 years to find someone whose companionship you enjoy, and where the feeling is mutual, not unless you set unrealistic standards/requirements or you keep your guard so high that no one can penetrate your defenses. There are a great many women out there who are looking for the same things you are in a relationship, and you just have to keep searching until you find them.
Loss in life is inevitable. And the pain of loss is the price we pay for our emotional attachments. But we need those bonds and connections, to enjoy and enrich our lives for as long as they do last, be it for a lifetime, or for a few years, or even for a few months. We need to enjoy them in the present, while we experience them, without worrying about what might come next. We don't get to read the last chapter when we become involved with someone. We don't know how the story will turn out. But, unless we chance that uncertainly, we remain isolated and deprived of closeness.
So, muster up your courage. Put some energy into expanding your social contacts and become involved with groups where you can meet people and form new friendships, both male and female. By doing that, you will increase the probability of finding that companion you want to be with. The alternative is to crawl up into a ball, get drunk, and lick your wounds. And, since that's not making you very happy either, you might as well risk trying something that might bring some pleasure back into your life.
