Can life have meaning if your dreams are unattainable?

Firefly is driving her agenda, as always, she is not trying to help. If she is right about BPD then MJ is at high risk of suicide, which certainly Firefly as someone who knows so much about BPD knows. MJ has already said that he senses that Firefly wants him to off himself, so if she had any of the compassion that she claims she has and "sick" people like me do not then she would have modulated her responses to fit the listener. I think it is pretty clear that what we see here is Firefly's hatred of men swamping what ever compassion and good sense which she might be capable of. The thrill of nailing a guy who has talked negatively about women proves to be too much temptation for her to resist, no matter the likely outcome of her lashing out.

BTW...A few pages back I said that MJ was likely to have a short life, death from suicide or addiction was what I was speaking of....I do not dispute the likelihood of a BPD diagnosis.

EDIT: My wife has BPD, as do very many Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivors. Firefly being the expert that she is knows that recently there has been a lot of talk about how BPD should be considered a severe form of PTSD, that it should not be labeled a mental illness, as it is caused by environmental trauma and is not an organic dysfunction.

I think 'Mental Disorders' are overdiagnosed in general...someone is hopelessly caught in an bad/unhealthy mental cycle...it's a disorder.

Well, such could be viewed as a disorder, but that is in no way helpful (and often it has the reverse effect when the person claims they are a victim of 'such & such disorder' as an excuse to do nothing about it)....so why label it that way?

So, while I think that such labels are, in general, inherently unhelpful - below are links to Mental health disorder tests, and some general mental health tests. I haven't tried all of them.

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

http://similarminds.com/personality_disorder.html

http://www.brainphysics.com/tests.php

http://www.noanxiety.com/tests/

And a general information site :

http://au.reachout.com/find/issues/mental-health-difficulties?gclid=CMKuvKPhuK8CFYVMpgodWFH_hQ

It seems to me more frustration than anything else.

Well - I haven't been paying attention to an agenda - but it's hard to say that she hasn't been trying to help. I could post a couple of pages of suggestions she's made in this thread where she was trying to help....but we both know this already. Even in the last few pages...as I said, frustration seems to creep in, but it doesn't appear that she's not trying to help.
If I remember right - that was a clear misread by Michael.

All points taken.

So, my point is.... We can add or we can keep listening and try.. Personally, I would prefer to keep listening and try... Not add.

First, do no harm.

Vikorr thanks

But, I also personally feel that not everything is scientific.. Geez, I could be a right old nutter myself if I view a few things that I did as a kid.. But, having said that I turned out "normal" if there is such a word.

Finding meaning, acknowledging people are who they are, ridding of hate, and loving yourself is the best medicine in my books.. Text book does not necessarily mean that drugs or locking someone up somewhere is going to cure what they "believe" to be the diagnosis.

When I was in the survivor community (before I was kicked out as a heretic) I was constantly swimming against the tide when I would strongly advise against pathologizing our mates, and I would extend that advise to anyone whom is trying to have a relationship with someone. I dont care what Firefly's credentials are (and she is not going to tell us because she is extremely secretive about who she is and where she comes from), what she did here was highly questionable in judgement because MJ is to her just another A2K member like her, he is not her client.

Hawkeye

Also, with due respect. I am not putting Firefly down, merely felt and feel strongly, that you do not diagnose someone in text book and constantly state it over and over via a Forum when someone such as Michael has remained here for some time and obviously drinks and gets angry.

To me, a Forum is a place to vent, discuss, offer opinions, thoughts and "hope".

I would like Michael to feel that he can trust the people he is conversing with or start to. And, that he can open up and keep talking as he is now doing.. That to me, will do him alot of good. Whilst I appreciate "Therapists" have their place, good old fashioned writing, thinking, talking also has its place. Why? Because sometimes the penny does actually drop... And who better to talk to first off, than a bunch of people you have no real idea who they are.

Advising... Is not an opinion. And, to me it can do more harm than good. If taken to heart as gospil.

That's just my opinion..

Are you a licensed psychologist firefly?

Because I don't think you should be diagnosing people with disorders if you're not.

I've seen multiple psychologists and psychiatrists in my lifetime, and none of them have mentioned a possibility that I could have BPD. The consensus has always been that I suffer from major depressive disorder.

I will say a little bit about my mother. But keep in mind that there isn't a whole lot that anyone can tell me about her that I probably haven't already thought of. I'm already well aware of the impact she's had my life. Unfortunately it's been a largely negative one.

My mother had many great qualities. She was a very beautiful woman, she had a great sense of humor, an infectious laugh, and a kind heart. Unfortunately she was also a very selfish person.

My father was diagnosed with either prostrate or colon cancer (I forget which one). It was a very hard fight for my father. He suffered very greatly through treatment. He was in a great deal of pain throughout the entire ordeal. He spent most of the final months on morphine after the cancer spread throughout other parts of his body. In an effort to stop the cancer from spreading he underwent a surgery which resulted in the doctors fitting him with an ostomy bag. If you're not familiar with what this is, it's a bag that's attached to your body that collects urine. He had to carry around a piss bag attached to him at the end of his life!

I can't express in words how horrible I feel for my father and all he went through while he was dying. He was a very strong willed man, and never complained about his pain to us kids. If you met him during this time you probably wouldn't have even known anything was wrong with him. But he was in a great deal of pain. He fought hard against the cancer, and it was a lengthy fight. I would give anything if I could go back in time and do something, anything to ease his pain. He was brilliant man, and great father. He provided my sister and I with a very comfortable life, and with experiences that most children never get to have.

He was going to teach me how to fly. Did you know that? That's something that never came to pass after he was gone. I could've been a pilot too, just like him.

Because of the surgery that resulted in the ostomy bag, my father lost the use of his penis.

While my father lay sick and dying towards the very end of his life, my mother began an affair with our next door neighbor. She couldn't even wait until my dad was dead and in the ground before she started ******* someone else. I caught her sneaking home one night and confronted her about it. Even at that age, I knew what was going on.

Are you starting to understand while I call women devils?

The first birthday my sister had after my father died (when she was turning 10), my mother didn't show up because she was out on a date. She dated several men during this time period, and oh they were some real winners. My mother was nowhere near as sharp as my father, and she had no idea of how to manage money. She led us into financial ruin, and by the time she died and we sold the house we didn't even get any money from it because it all went towards all the liens placed on it.

My mother was essentially a child, and my sister and I were the adults. We raised ourselves. We did the best we could until she died. I tried to be a father to my sister as best I could. I tried to take care of her. I know sometimes I fucked up, but I tried the best I could. My mother wasn't around during these years. I mean she was sometimes, but mostly she was off with different men.

Do you have any idea the rage that was going through my mind and body the night I came home from visiting best friend while he lay dying in the hospital, and I walked into my apartment to find my fiancee having sex with another man in my bed?

I broke his arm and dislocated his jaw. Spent the night in jail for the first (and only) time in my life. Although I did get into a physical fight with with one of my mother's boyfriends once, almost resulting in charges pressed.

Women are selfish. They are liars, cheaters, devils.

Woman are the root cause of the depression I've experienced throughout my life.

I see plenty of grays in life. You are very wrong on that the claim that I only see things in extremes. Life isn't black and white to me. However what you're failing to recognize is that is that love and hate are very close to each other within the human psyche. I will always love my mother. She's my mother. Because of her I have dimples when I smile, because of her I have an infectious laugh. But I also hate her. I will always hate her.

The benefits of a regular sex life have been widely reported. There are all kinds of health benefits, and psychological benefits. The longest I've gone without sex since I became sexually active was about 3 1/2 years. 3 and a half years during my mid twenties! During the best sexual years of my life! That was taken away from me, and it wasn't from lack of trying! It's going on a full year now since Mary. Do you understand what that does to a person mentally? Women have alienated me, excluded me. Women have rejected me as a person.

Women have the control in life. Women are the enemy, the enemy and the master. They control men.

It's not right.

Women are the root cause of all the psychological problems I have.

Women are evil.

LOL she will not give you any information of any type concerning her background as it is a big dark secret that she had kept for over tens of thousands of postings.

Hun, at 10 or so you "so" look up to your Dad.

I bet you felt proud that he was a pilot. Probably, felt disappointed, angry that you never got that lesson..

This anger, I wish your Mother had taken you to see someone after the death of your Father, did she? It manifests as you point out with what happened when you found your fiance with another guy.... It seems "grounded" somewhat now.

May I ask how your Mother died?

You know people grieve differenty in life... I don't know if your Mother was faithful to your Father during their marriage or if this only occured after he was diagnosed and dying... Some """ people, can't cope with grief... Run around in all directions, some the wrong ones, like you drinking you know?

Like I said, it's your heart that needs to be healed.

Would you consider flying courses NOW, I mean it.. To learn, to sit there next to a pilot, to see what your Father saw, he would be very proud if you did that you know.. It's never too late.

You hate your Mother for what she did to your Father, but the thing is, you don't know really, how close they were towards the end, whether or not she was grieving so bad herself, in the wrong ways, or whether they were just living together for the sake of their children and had fallen out of love.

You have to realise we as people are "individual".. I know marriage means the World to you, but not everyone in life can be or will be or is faithful. Doesn't make them a bad person "inside" just not what you believe in, does that make sense?

I think it's time to stop hating her. Pretty sure that either your Father wouldn't hate her. Once upon a time, he was in love with her, and her him. Like the ladies who grew out of love with you.. Michael, if you have this pain still inside of you, it would show in your relationships. You are not a happy soul, so how can you show so much happiness to one person, if that's the case?

It's time don't you think? To let this all go and find happiness in you and therefore, happiness in a partnership.

I've never cheated. I've walked first.

Not all women do.

Thank you for sharing thus far.. It's appreciated that you are.

How close are you to your sister?

So you are going back to your victim mentallity again I see.

Life influences don't change responsibility. You had a hard time of it. Life hasn't been fair. That doesn't change that you are reponsible for where you are now, and where you go from here. It is you, and only you that is responsible....and you're allowed to have help, and seek help in the direction you choose to go.

But overall, your words remind me of a person who says 'I want a million dollars'...but doesn't actually have the desire to truly work towards it. You just make a noise here and there and say 'see I tried but it's impossible'...while others who truly want the million dollars pick themselves up over & over again until they succeed.

You claim victimhood from the evils of women, which on both counts, is a complete and utter deception.

I recall Dr Phil once hosted a man who had accidentally killed another man, and also hosting the dead mans family. The sister of the dead man said she would never forgive the man who killed her brother. Dr Phil said 'forgiveness isn't about the other person - it's about you'. Our past effects us yes...but we can choose to let go of unhealthy bitterness/attitudes/fears etc, and choose to move in healthy directions

That's rathe sick. They aren't even your enemy - you make them so, so that you won't have to take responsibility for your life...it's that simple. If it's not their fault, then the only responsibility left is you.

Tell me something - how come every other male on this planet isn't as fucked up as you? How come there are men with very high self esteem out there? How come there are men out there who wear the pants in their family?

Also tell me, how come so many women love caringly dominant men? How come so many of them they love 'masculine' men? (and you should know what masculine implies).

The answer is very simple - your theories are plain and simply - wrong.

There are so many examples that so disagree with your jaded viewpoint that it's incredible you can even minutely justify this to yourself. You must desperately want something very badly, in order to even come close to buying these gossamer house beliefs (straw house being too stable a construction for your beliefs about women)

The sad thing is - it often seems that you don't truly want to get better at it. It often seems that you don't truly want to fix yourself up - you combat with everyone because you don't want to admit there is anything wrong with you...oh you make the noises, but do youtruly want to admit you need to develop and grow....because you will fail, and fail again in your current mindstate...and in order to maintain it, you must have an excuse not to change & grow. Why do you need excuses to not change & grow? Why not start making reasons for why you need to change and grow?

Is it that you want to remain that little boy - the one you were when your parents left?...is it that you are still looking for love of that little boy? Does a part of you not want to grow up into an adult man? Is it that before you allow yourself to grow...you want an adult woman to love you for the little boy you were?

If so...I don't know what to offer you...no adult woman should be asked to love a man who insists on being 12 years old. It just doesn't work that way in the big wide world, and nor should it, ever. That is incredibly harsh on the 12 year old, and is also the reality of adulthood.

Of course, I could also be blathering completely of course, but then again...maybe not.

I'm glad you are trying, as you've had many really good posts...but relapses into bullshit aren't helping you.

I was 12 almost 13, not 10.

I told you there's not much that can be said about my mother that I haven't already thought of.

I don't give a flying **** if she had fallen out of love with him or not (and I don't think that was the case anyway, I think it was because she couldn't have sex with him anymore, and how selfish and superficial is that?), she should've at least waited until he was dead out of common courtesy and respect for her children.

I think my father knew right at the end. In fact he said something about it to me (and I'm not going to tell you what). I think it's what finally killed his spirit and his body. Because prior to that he had been fighting hard.

Also she should've been more responsible and been around more for her children. She fucked our lives up royally.

It's obvious that I will never find a 'partnership'.

My sister is my best friend in the world.

Michael.

I am going to tell you a story tomorrow.. About my Husband (separated for 5 years, yet to divorce) finances long story.. And, his hate for Women and why and his Mother who died of Cancer and possibly why and how I could not convince him that all women are not the same.

And, then I am going to answer further to what you wrote.

What I want to say now, is............Thank you.. It's okay to speak, it's okay to share and ask.. and it's okay to have taken you this long to start to speak ok..

And, I want to know as well are you going to do that flying course because I feel that you really, really should.

Sure. You could always become a demoKKKrat and define your dreams down....

vikorr,

I know I carry victim mentality. I've tried to shake it, it won't shake. I've learned through experiences of my life that even with positivity and proactive attitudes I still fail. I am continuing to try, it just wears me down. It tires me... I'm getting too old and set in my thinking and ways.

There are some things I can't forgive. The cuts run too deep. I've tried for my own sake. I can't let go of the anger.

And please don't ever quote doctor Phil to me again. I like you vikorr, but I think Dr. Phil is an abomination.

"I dont care what Firefly's credentials are (and she is not going to tell us because she is extremely secretive about who she is and where she comes from), what she did here was highly questionable in judgement because MJ is to her just another A2K member like her, he is not her client."

I wouldn't be surprised if firefly would wish me dead for 'hating' on her gender.

It's obvious she wants some sort of reaction from me when she speaks. And yes that is questionable, and especially hurtful because at one point I actually respected what she had to say and genuinely thought she was trying to help.

What she doesn't realize is that I'm fairly certain that I will kill myself eventually anyway regardless of what she or anyone else says. I have down spells that I just can't pick myself up from. Even when I try. Eventually I'm just going to want done with it.

....man your problem can be reduced on two fronts that you should work upon and that obviously are deeply inter related...the first being to take a progressive effort of adjustment to standards on which you must physically and psychologically take care of yourself and your needs to regain functionality among social grounds.. while simultaneously the second, goes through recognising you have a chemical depressive unbalance which is feeding a mind set of causal interpretations which is deeply twisted from fact...finally, as you seam an above average intellectually competent person, which equals with at the very least not totally dumb, to realise that it is possible/feasible to make a full recovery from your current situation and achieve your goals instead of wasting it all as a complete looser...

...last but not the least, your views upon women need work...not to say that in some sense what you said is totally wrong, but just that it is so incomplete and twisted that gives you a complete wrong picture on facts...if it is true that on some levels they have advantages in relation to man on others they have disadvantages that bring it all back to balance...women are no more "liars" or "monsters" then man...they just have they or own particular way of going about it...eventually has your life changes for the better, you will learn that there is also no other "being" on this world capable of a more complete and unconditional love then women can...put your **** together, regain some confidence, and mostly remember that attitude is all...now that I think of it Danny Devitto comes to mind as the typical Hollywood 90´s stereotypy on that regard...you are way wrong to not see it...it works !

...just one more advise, learn where your "natural market" stands know yourself...no matter what you do with some genotypes you wont stand a chance from the very 1 minute while with the right one things just become easier by the second...let me give you some very simplified black/white models of what I mean...if you are shy look for someone open spoked extrovert that likes attention...if you are a giver and communicative look for someone willing to listen on which you can play the big daddy...essentially know who you are and you eventually will figure where and how you can "score" without becoming an "actor" and play a role who does not suit you...
...on the last 2 posts is everything you need to take your life around completely...do it ! (and for Christ sake stop winning)

Regarding Dr Phil - yep, so do a lot of people, because he doesn't do what psychologists are meant to do - let people discover the cause of their problems for themself...

...however, in this case the quote I referred to wasn't about diagnosing people & telling what is wrong with them - the girl was very obviously (to everyone) bitter (she even basically said so), and it was about informing her of the effects of bitterness...which effects are common to all humans. In this specific quote - I completely agree with him

Anyone of us can learn things from anyone else...even from people we hate. It has always bemused me that people disregard EVERYTHING a person says as ridiculous, just because they dislike them...there's no logic at all in that (that's not just aimed at you. Billrm has already shown that trait in this thread towards firefly. And a lot of the women in this forum do so towards Hawkeye)


I rearranged your paragraph - because these seem related. The last line about being too old & set in your ways isn't true - though what is true about such things is the more we train ourselves to a way of thinking, the harder it is to change (short of an epiphany). I'm fairly certain this is one of the reasons why people get more extreme in their main character traits as they get older.

What is also true about the mind, and scientists have only recently discovered, is that it keeps forming new attachments until the day we die. We can literally change our minds. It's called neuroplasticity (you can look it up on amazon if you like - plenty of people will give you short summaries of the numerous books out there).

That doesn't mean it's easy for someone in your position - just that it is possible.

Also - regarding the anger...that is something you really need to work through with a psychologist. Anger issues aren't something strangers on a forum can deal with. I'm sure you understand that your anger & victim mentallity are intertwined (though not one & the same). If you aren't a victim, you don't need to be angry at women in general...if you aren't angry at women in general, you don't need to feel so much a victim.
I can see how that would happen.

In regards to trying & failing numerous times. May I suggest that you try interacting with women for yourself?

I know that sounds illogical, because you do need to be interested in them in order to have a relationship...but the point of doing it this way is - you do it purely as a learning exercise - to do so multiple times, and whatever the result, use what you learn, and approach the next woman. Get on dating sites, and see how many dates you can get - purely for the sake of learning as much as you can.

Doing it this way, at least you'll start learning about yourself (which is the most important part), and then about womens likes & dislikes.

If you think this is wrong (learning about yourself as you interact with women)...do you know that what you contribute to a relationship is?

What you contribute to a realtionship is You : who you are - your world - your character - your personality - your richness of life - your determination - your courage - your loyalty - you willpower - your strength - you humour - your ambition etc....if you don't know who you are, and if don't grow, and if you don't generate self belief and self esteem...what you contribute is less than it could be. That is one reason why it is good to grow until the day you die. It's someone anyone of us can do - including you.