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Abusive fiance

 
 
Reply Sat 4 Feb, 2012 08:32 pm
I've been with him for two years and we love each other to death but he just had such a horrible temper. He has gotten physical with me so many times I've lost count, our dogs, OUR CAR, and ruinned places we were staying. I'm very stubborn so I always stay with him when I try to decide to leave him. He says if we just leave this shitty state he'll be better to me, but I find that iffy. I know it's not right for him to be the way he is physically but I love him with all my heart and want things to get better. Am I stupid and does it sound like I should leave him?
 
Rockhead
 
  2  
Reply Sat 4 Feb, 2012 08:34 pm
@Zombie fish turd,
yes.

and you should leave him...
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Sat 4 Feb, 2012 08:36 pm
@Zombie fish turd,
Yes leave him and take the dogs with you, those poor animals cannot defend themselves and being physically abused by such a louse as your boyfriend,
is more than disgusting, it's despicable.

You might love him - gawd knows why - but he certainly doesn't love you.
One never physically attacks the things one loves, that's a myth otherwise.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sat 4 Feb, 2012 08:41 pm
@Zombie fish turd,
Zombie fish turd wrote:

I've been with him for two years and we love each other to death


Sounds like he might just "love" you to death one day.

My ex-husband moved us from state to state to state. More times than I can remember off the top of my head.

Location has nothing to do with it.

He's not just abusive to you, but to animals and inanimate objects as well.

What does that tell you about how he would treat your children?
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Sun 5 Feb, 2012 03:33 am
@Zombie fish turd,
He has gotten physical with me so many times I've lost count, our dogs, OUR CAR, and ruinned places we were staying.

Quote:
I'm very stubborn so I always stay with him when I try to decide to leave him.
Are you sure about this? I'd have doubts that stubborness would be a reason to stay. What, you don't like admitting you made a mistake? You'll take beating upon beating because you don't want to admit to a mistake?

There are many, many reasons why women stay in abusive relationships - none of them have to do with the 'love' their man has for them.

Quote:
He says if we just leave this shitty state he'll be better to me, but I find that iffy
That's not just iffy - it's a complete and utter lie. If you left the state, there would just be some other reason 'justifying' his violence.

Quote:
I know it's not right for him to be the way he is physically but I love him with all my heart and want things to get better.
He makes excuses, plays the victim, and doesn't admit he is an abuser...things will never get better (it is only a very minute percentage who ever stop, and they are the ones that admit that they are abusers and have a problem that they need help with)

Leave him.

edit : ps : your nickname here suggests a very low self esteem, which is the major reason people stay with abusers. The abusers themselves usually do everything they can to keep your self esteem low. Self esteem is essential to happiness, contentment, and seeking to achieve (this last bit being missing when it comes to actually leaving an abuser...hence the difficulty, and also why they do everything they can to keep your self esteem low)
0 Replies
 
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Sun 5 Feb, 2012 03:40 am
@Zombie fish turd,
It is your life, do what you want with it.
0 Replies
 
Zombie fish turd
 
  1  
Reply Sun 5 Feb, 2012 11:24 am
@CalamityJane,
We broke up just last night when he Read this. He got very angry about it and we fought and I ended it. I've got the dog and car with me, but I still love him.
JustBrooke
 
  1  
Reply Sun 5 Feb, 2012 11:25 am
@Zombie fish turd,
Oh boy.

Using your stubbornness as a reason you say with him does not make a whole lot of sense. It seems you are saying that you are too stubborn to give up on the relationship. This is an abusive relationship, not a loving relationship. How about taking some of that stubbornness and using it to your benefit. Try being too stubborn to stay.

He abuses you because he CAN. You are the outlet for his anger. Every single time he lays an abusive hand on you, and you allow it, you are perpetuating his behavior.

It is very difficult and unlikely for most abusers (male or female) to change. I am not saying they cannot, I am just saying it is not an easy or quick process, even if they do decide to get professional help. Is your abuser in any sort of counseling at all?

Why does he say he will probably treat you better if you guys move away? Perhaps he wishes to isolate you from your friends and family? What then? Will you feel safer if/when the abuse continues or perhaps even escalates?

You ask if you should leave. Honestly ask yourself if you even recognize who you are anymore in relation to who you were before you met him.

There is a strengthening exercise you can do that has proven to help build self-esteem and give you some of that power back that is probably escaping you right now. Find a quiet place where you can just lay back and close your eyes. Breathe in and out slowly until you feel your troubles lifting off your shoulders. Keep them eyes closed. Visualize a little girl (the little girl is you). See the trauma in her eyes, which is the same trauma you are going through from the abuse. Pick that sweet little girl up and comfort her. Hug her softly against you. Let her know she is protected and that everything is going to be okay. When you begin to feel her relax, put her down and take her hand. Guide her to a beautiful meadow with flowers and birds and a big blue sky. Play with her. Let her find her innocence. She is beautiful and important and loved. This IS you because you are all of those things. Love her because she is you. She does not deserve to be beaten. Help her to escape back to a life full of the kind of love she deserves. She does not deserve being locked up in your safehouse. Free her. She deserves to love and be loved. Real love. Abuse is not love.

Honey, it was time to leave the first time he hit you and physically hurt you in any way.

It is time to leave when you find yourself walking on eggshells or when you look in the mirror and wonder who is this person that is looking back at you. When he denies the problem and tells you it is your fault, a continuation of the abuse is likely,and it is time to leave. It is time to leave when you find yourself constantly rushing home because you know he will be angry if you do not run your errand in the time he allows you to run it. When you find yourself locked in the bathroom and on the floor crying your eyes out, hiding in the dark and wishing for either one of you to die because you are tired and beaten down, it is past time to leave.

It is time to leave when you find yourself on a message forum asking if you should leave because for 2 years the man you fell in love with is not really that man at all. This is your inner voice talking. Please pay attention to it. Call your local shelter or the National Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.

Good luck. Most men are not abusive. You deserve so much better.
0 Replies
 
JustBrooke
 
  1  
Reply Sun 5 Feb, 2012 11:29 am
@Zombie fish turd,
We cross posted. Good for you. Man oh man, he will likely do everything in his power to try to get you back. It will be like walking on ice for a bit. Stand tall and stay away from him. Call that hotline, please. They can help you so much, and you need them now as much as you did prior to leaving him.

Big hug for you.
Zombie fish turd
 
  1  
Reply Sun 5 Feb, 2012 11:50 am
@JustBrooke,
Thank you. All of you. I realized I have separation issues instead of stubbornness, but that's still no excuse to stay with him. I love myself and know I deserve and can do so much better.
JustBrooke
 
  1  
Reply Sun 5 Feb, 2012 11:56 am
@Zombie fish turd,
Good for you. I am so proud of you. Separation issues are actually very common in abusive relationships.

You sound like a very sweet person. Please do keep loving yourself and do call that hotline number. They understand what you are going through and can be a great source of strength, not to mention they are great to talk to and get things off your chest.

I have been where you are, and there is life on the other side.

Hugs
Below viewing threshold (view)
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sun 5 Feb, 2012 12:05 pm
@hawkeye10,
hawkeye10 wrote:

......what a productive use of a morning.


and what a productive use of Your morning chicken hawk.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  3  
Reply Sun 5 Feb, 2012 01:09 pm
Sometimes people are in love with being in love. Not having someone to love makes them feel incomplete, so they take whatever comes along and call it "love."

A man who beats animals, cars, things and women is WAY too dangerous.

Please try to define what it is that you want from a man, then find a man to fit.

Hint: One big one is gentleness.

(But I fear that might not be exciting enough for you. You may be addicted to this lifestyle and actually are enjoying the chaos and the chase. Your comment that you still "love" him worries me. If anything, you should be registering fear and repulsion.)
0 Replies
 
JustBrooke
 
  4  
Reply Sun 5 Feb, 2012 01:31 pm
@hawkeye10,
hawkeye10 wrote:

Aw isn't that so sweet, Brooke taking the time to tell Turd what she clearly wants to hear......what a productive use of a morning.


Love when you are aggravated because someone does not post your tripe! Laughing



Whatever........... At the end of the day you are still married to your sister.

CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Sun 5 Feb, 2012 01:43 pm
@Zombie fish turd,
I am so glad to hear that, Zombie! In time you'll find someone who deserves you and treats you like you want to be treated.

Trust me, physical violence never translates into love, no matter what these cowards tell you. He should pick on someone his own size and see how far he gets beating up on them, but most of these bullies are just big enough to hit on someone who is physically much weaker, never mind hitting animals.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  4  
Reply Sun 5 Feb, 2012 02:13 pm
@JustBrooke,
JustBrooke wrote:

Whatever........... At the end of the day you are still married to your sister.





Oh....My....God....

Laughing Laughing Laughing

That was wonderful.
0 Replies
 
FBM
 
  1  
Reply Thu 9 Feb, 2012 03:03 am
@Zombie fish turd,
If you stay with him and especially if you marry him, you're tacitly condoning his violence. Once you're reeled in and trapped by marriage vows, it will only get worse. I'm about 99% sure of it. Please get away from this guy. If you're stubborn, use that stubbornness to protect yourself. Make a plan to leave him and stick to it no matter what he says. And he will say just about anything to keep someone who will cooperate with his battering, believe me.

Best of luck!
0 Replies
 
 

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