Ack

sozobe wrote:

I wondered about the college degree/ professional teacher part, Thomas, can't decide. I have written a draft of the letter, signed it [my name], M.Ed, that didn't seem quite right. I don't necessarily want to pull rank.

How about putting the M.Ed into a nice, generic-looking letter head? I think both MS-Word and LaTEX have nicely packaged ones. That way, you can signal your rank without appearing to pull it. The reason I suggested this was because it seemed to me that one big part of the problem was getting them to respect you. I'm usually not a rank pulling type myself, but my experience is that pulling a physicist can work wonders with stubbornly arrogant doctors.

Quote:

I am an educator myself, and understand that difficult decisions often need to be made quickly, especially when dealing with very young children. I would like to help ensure that this situation does not recur. On my part, I will do my best to get in and out of class quickly -- to that end, I have included my contact info at the end of this letter. On your part, I ask that you get my attention and address me clearly and directly if there is a problem, and that you never again take my daughter from my arms without my express permission.

Sounds good to me.

Quote:

I opened with nice stuff about how much she likes class. Do I need to close with something nice, too?

Not necessarily nice, but it can help to close with some kind of optimistic outlook. Something about how their cooperation will help advance a common interest. "This is an unpleasant situation for all of us, but if we work this out, we can make sure together that my very short-tempered and trigger-happy uncle from Sicily won't pay you a visit. Cordially yours, Sozobe Lastname"

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I like your letter Soz. It is very professional, yet has a ring of mama tiger also. Very very nice. I'm not as good at writing 'non mean' letters myself. You inspire me girl!!!! Thomas' suggestion about ending on an optimistic (not necessarily Mary Poppins type of nice) note is a T-riffic one. Go with it :-).

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Tactically speaking, Soz, it might be positive to close with a "good".

It is called sandwiching, and is a good win/win tool.

But not if it makes you sick!!!!!!!

Letter sounds great to me.

I understand about how tough it can be to talk to teachers, and you are soooo right not to have conflict in front of Sozlet.

Hope it goes well.

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Yes, I should sandwich. It is more mature to sandwich. I don't want to sandwich. I will do my best to sandwich. <more gritting of teeth>

Thanks, onyzelle! I used to do this sort of tone professionally, advocacy for deaf people, it comes very naturally to me but I have to tone what comes naturally way down. (Sandwich, mature, sandwich...)

Thomas, how about my short-tempered and trigger-happy German friend...? I do plan to do a standard Word letter, typed, hand-signed, etc.

I talked to my friend the stay-at-home dad today for his take and he was appalled. He said he would have grabbed his kid back, said "Sayonara", and never gone back. His first suggestion was to send a very strongly worded letter to everyone, including superiors. After we talked about it a bit, we both thought that the better idea would be informally going to the superior -- no letter, just in person, without sozlet -- and saying, "This is the situation, do you have any suggestions on how I should best handle it?"

:-?

Next class is tomorrow morning, so would like to decide before then. Slightly more comfortable with the non-yelly letter (sandwiches and all) and post-class follow-up.

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LOL! You could predict my reply - unless you DO wanna take Sozlet out - if you feel your trust has gone - I am a fan (when sane and calm) of the graded response.

But - only YOU (and Sozlet) know the level of the violation, Soz - and hence the level of response really appropriate...

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Here's my current draft, lay it on me:

Quote:

January 28th, 2004

To sozlet's teachers,

Sozlet has been enjoying her class, and is very proud of herself that she is big enough to go to "school". This is a wonderful transition for her from parent-and-tot classes to pre-school, and she is learning a lot of important skills.

Independence is one of those skills, and I was quite dismayed by how the situation was handled when I dropped her off on Monday. sozlet has taken three sessions of classes on her own, including this one, and dropping her off has thus far not been an issue. She has been a bit nervous at times, but positive reinforcement and talking to her have solved these problems. Forcing the issue by taking her out of my arms against her vociferous protest and in the absence of my go-ahead is contradictory to my style of parenting, as well as being disrespectful to me as a parent. I very much appreciate the steps that you have taken in communicating with me, such as getting my attention for the announcement that there would be no class on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and writing down the "homework" assignment on Monday. If you would like some more tips on how to best communicate with me as a deaf person who reads lips, I am happy to provide them. However, acting against my wishes and without effective communication is unacceptable.

I am an educator myself, and understand that difficult decisions often need to be made quickly, especially when dealing with very young children. I would like to help ensure that this situation does not recur. On my part, I will do my best to get in and out of class quickly -- to that end, I have included my contact info at the end of this letter, as standing in line waiting to write that info is what takes the most time. On your part, I ask that you get my attention and address me clearly and directly if there is a problem, and that you never again take my daughter from my arms without my express permission. I trust that the situation was anomalous, and so will not be taking sozlet out of the class at this time she has been enjoying it, and I would like to see her continue to enjoy it.

Thank you very much,

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Good.

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Great!!!!!

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man-u-feek

(magnificent)

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Oh yay, thanks guys. (And onyxelle, don't be surprised if I steal about half of your vocabulary. "Sitch" has come up a few times already. Wink

)

Have it all printed out and ready to go. Lesse what happens.

Have talked to sozlet about school tomorrow, what she would like to wear, what she is looking forward to, etc., she seems fine with it. She said, "and I'm NOT going to cry." I praised her for her bravery, but a little later said that if anything ever happens that she doesn't like, I want her to tell me about it. Anytime, anyone.

Hard to strike that balance between encouraging her to respect and trust adults other than me and letting her know that it is not OK for ANYONE to violate her boundaries, no matter who that person is. :-?

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Great letter, soz!

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Thanks littlek! Your perspective was one I especially wanted.

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"Hard to strike that balance between encouraging her to respect and trust adults other than me and letting her know that it is not OK for ANYONE to violate her boundaries, no matter who that person is."

Ain't that the truth....

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sozobe wrote:

Here's my current draft, lay it on me:

I'm impressed. Very good balance between drawing a line in the sand and striking a constructive note.

You go, girl! Smile

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Good letter.

As for preparing kids for the imperfect world.....sad but necessary and there is no rulebook with 100% effective techniques.

How did "school" go today?

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Well. Could've been better, could've been far, far worse.

I had meticulously planned everything, including an earlier-than-usual bedtime so she was sure to be well-rested. Ya know what they say about the best laid plans... :-?

She was very good last night, not protesting or anything, she just wouldn't fall asleep. Then I had some sort of horrible nausea (which I think wasn't psychosomatic -- was probably due to a new medication) and I kept waking her up. So she was very very tired when I roused her this morning.

I'd still planned in terms of laying out her clothes the night before, etc., and the waking-up-to-ready turnaround time was pretty good. We were out the door mere minutes later than necessary, which I was happy about. Just before we left, The Letter wafted off the counter onto the floor, and found some water. It got a little wet. I dried it off with a paper towel immediately, still quite legible. Sozlet thought I should go print a new one. I said that's a good idea but we don't have time. (Part of this was that I had to do a Go-Back, and it was no longer saved, so not just a matter of opening and printing.) She put her foot down. She got upset. The letter was messy! New one!

So the next several minutes were spent negotiating, in a way I don't usually negotiate (usually more like sozlet, sweetie, it ain't gonna happen. Let's go.) but she was so tired and I didn't want to set off the waterworks now of all times. Those additional minutes, plus getting the car warmed up, meant that we walked in actually late. There goes my moral authority.

However, I hope that my heartfelt "Sorry we're late!!" to the teachers helped with the overall constructive tone of the letter -- see, I make mistakes too. It was only a few minutes late, I saw another parent coming out as we went in. But I HATE being late. Hmph.

Anyway, the good news... walked in, it was cooooold outside and she had been shivering even with all of her penguin layers, I said oooh, isn't it warm in here? She nodded, I handed off letter, hung up coat, put away backpack, teacher held her hand (nicely!! I noticed an extra effort towards niceness!), they walked off toward a game, I left. (No signing out, info in my letter.) Badda boom. Hovered outside of window a bit more, watched, sozlet was fine, telling the teacher what she wanted to play with. (Hmmm, that, no maybe that.)

So, that's good.

Will see how she is when I pick her up. WISH she wasn't so tired. Ah well.

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Good letter.

And lateness, damp letters and the like happen. I don't think they undermine your authority. It's not like you were hours late or that you make a habit of it.

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Waiting not-so-patiently for part 2 of today's story.

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I know, Jes, you're right.

It was fine!

Picked her up, she was deliriously happy to see me (that's always fun) but looked fine, like she hadn't been crying, I went to the teachers and they both said they had read the letter, understood, I did some elbow-touching type "Oh good I'm so glad, she seems like she had a good day today," they (one) said "She was smiling all day, she's such a sweet girl", the other one (grabberwoman) was a little more huffy, though trying not to be, emphasized the part that parents need to leave fast, I said yes, I know, I made a point of that today, are we clear on the other issues? She said yes.

Sozlet got and gave a hug to her friend Bridget, which she always likes, and (this is the most positive development, from my perspective,) wanted to show the teacher (non-grabber) her new hat. That says to me that she's not just putting up with her but likes her.

We talked about what she did today, it was all positive things, and I also watched for about 10 minutes total (right after I dropped her off, and then before I picked her up) and she looked like she was having fun. So I think this hurdle has been cleared, though I'll continue to talk to her about always speaking up if anyone does anything that makes her sad or uncomfortable. (Yep, it's a tough one, dlowan. Explaining things using concrete examples is always best, but what concrete examples? How to avoid making her nervous about real people? Ah, so complicated.)

Thanks again for your feedback, everyone, helped a lot. Smile

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sozobe wrote:

It was fine!

I'm glad to hear that. You did great! Very Happy

<hug>

-- Thomas

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