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My husband took my kids to his ex-wife's house

 
 
lam7608
 
Reply Mon 8 Aug, 2011 01:33 pm
My husband just recently became a grandfather from his daughter with his first wife. His divorce from his first wife was not a nice one to put it mildly. Things over the years have been very rocky with his ex-wife and daughter to a point where he didn't speak to his daughter for almost 3 yeasrs. We have been married now for 15 years and have 2 children. He just recently travelled to the state where his daughter is currently living. His daughter and husband and baby moved in with her mother due to financial reasons so when he visited he took our children to his ex-wife's house without telling me and I found out through a third party after he was already there. I expressed to him that I was very offended and felt that it he was disrepecting me. He thinks there was nothing wrong with him bringing our kids there since him, his ex-wife and his daughter were all in agreement but no one consulted me to see if it was ok with me. I did not go on this trip because I have currently started a new job after having been laid off for over a year and cannot take any time off til October. We have been arguing since his return over this topic and I don't think he sees my point or respects my feelings. I don't know how to get my feelings through to him. Any words of encouragement?
 
sozobe
 
  3  
Reply Mon 8 Aug, 2011 01:49 pm
@lam7608,
Not really, from what you've said so far. Sorry. Was his first wife abusive, or were you otherwise worried about the welfare of your kids?
lam7608
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Aug, 2011 02:14 pm
@sozobe,
Well I had to get an order of protection against her when my daughter was four because she tried to take her out of school amongst other things that have occurred throughout the years. Like I said their divorce was not an amicable one and from what I gather neither was their marriage.
chai2
 
  4  
Reply Mon 8 Aug, 2011 02:23 pm
Unless he was planning on having sex with his first wife while he was visiting, I don't think it's any of your business.

He wanted to see his daughter, regardless of their prior relationship (good for them if they were able to put their differences aside for the sake of your husband meeting his new grandbaby), and it was an opportunity for your children to meet their half-sisters new baby.

While I guess it would have been nice for him to mention to you he was going to visit his new grandchild (and his first I assume), but I can't see why you're angry.

What exactly did you think was going to happen?
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Mon 8 Aug, 2011 02:34 pm
@lam7608,
I think it would only have been considerate to talk to you about this prior to it happening. Actions like this may have been the cause of some of their strife. Their daughter could have brought the new baby to see him and your kids where he was staying, or at a restaurant, or a million other places. If you are sensitive about the ex, he was totally in the wrong and is extremely insensitive to your feelings.
lam7608
 
  2  
Reply Mon 8 Aug, 2011 02:38 pm
@chai2,
My children and I have always had a relationship with their sister even when she wasn't on speaking terms with her father. The question here is not the daughter but my husband's actions. The entire purpose of the trip was to meet the grandbaby but what I'm angry about is the fact that he hid from me where his daughter was living especially after we've had so much problems with his ex-wife. It also wasn't a question about me feeling he was going to sleep with her, I just think that he disrepected my feelings.
0 Replies
 
lam7608
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Aug, 2011 02:41 pm
@Mame,
Thank you Mame. All I asked was why he didn't discuss it with me prior to visiting.
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Aug, 2011 02:51 pm
@lam7608,
Likely he was afraid you'd say no so he thought he'd just do the deed and face your wrath later. That's a coward's way out, I'm afraid. There were other solutions, as I mentioned.
chai2
 
  3  
Reply Mon 8 Aug, 2011 03:17 pm
Why do you feel this was disrespectful?

I don't get that at all.

Why do you think he was "hiding" something?

I was joking about the sleeping with her obviously.
I just don't understand why your panties are in a twist over this.

Does he have to report everything he does to you, where he's going, what he's going to do there, etc?

What was there to "discuss"?
What? You would forbid a grown man going to see his new grandchild, regardless of where the meeting was (as long as it wasn't someplace illegal or immoral)?

Again, what did you think was going to happen that you needed to know where he was going to meet his new grandbaby?

I might ask why weren't you going along to see the baby too?

You didn't break the 2 of them up I assume, so it's not like there's bad blood.

Honey, there's a lot bigger hills to die on.

0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  3  
Reply Tue 9 Aug, 2011 07:44 am
I agree.

The big issue is what will happen NEXT? He already knows you are unhappy with how this visitation was done before,, so what is your suggestion for the future visitations?

How are you going to handle him seeing that grandchild the next time?

Hold yor enemies close, dear. Either create a meeting place that is mutually agrreable to all or he will continue to see that child secretly.

Don't force him have to make a choice.

(PS - I had to put up with an ex at family gatherings for years. When there are kids - and especially grandkids, all egos need to be set aside)
0 Replies
 
Ceili
 
  3  
Reply Tue 9 Aug, 2011 08:58 am
Wait a minute... So, I still don't get the issue.
This man wanted to see his daughter and his grandchild. He wanted to introduced his kids to their nephew. He wasn't going to cheat or rob a bank. With all the trouble this woman's caused him, that was the last place he probably wanted to go. So lets all make an uncomfortable situation worse, eh!
Grow up. Sometimes you have to make an ugly choice to make the right decision. God knows he probably feels like he's between a rock and a hard place, damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. It really doesn't give him a lot of choices. At some point, regardless of all the garbage, there will be times when we all have to suck it up. This strikes me as one of them.
He probably didn't tell you because you are making waaaaaay moooooore of this than you should. This wasn't about you or the ex-wife, this was about his kids, brothers and sisters, and the new grandchild. (as hard as that might be to stomach)
It sounds like these bonding moments have been far removed. Instead of making it difficult, let them have their time. None of the kids, yours or hers, should be punished for past sins - of which very few belong to the kids. Who knows... this could lead to a more harmonious existence, less animosity. Sounds like it's time anyway, after all, the exes kid is all grown up now with a kid of her own.
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  2  
Reply Tue 9 Aug, 2011 02:43 pm
I am with Ceili, she's expressed it perfectly!
When you married your husband 15 years ago, you knew that he had prior
baggage so to speak and you take the good with the bad in cases like this.

He probably did not confide in you because he knows that you make an elephant out of a mole.
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Tue 9 Aug, 2011 04:19 pm
You know, you can Always find something to fight about, if your gunning for an argument.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Aug, 2011 05:27 pm
@CalamityJane,
CalamityJane wrote:

He probably did not confide in you because he knows that you make an elephant out of a mole.


HONEY!!!

It's Mountain Out Of A Molehill

Jes sayin

Signed,

Sweetie
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Aug, 2011 05:43 pm
@Mame,
Hey Babe, lighten up. In Germany they got moles, and, and, what was that other thing? Oh yeah, wienerschnitzel

They always go around sayin' "don't make wienerschnitzel out of that mole."
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Aug, 2011 06:02 pm
@chai2,
I think you got it wrong, honey - it's "Don't make weinerschnitzel out of that Fleischservierplatte"
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Aug, 2011 06:27 pm
@Mame,
I'll give you that one babycakes.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Aug, 2011 06:31 pm
@chai2,
That reminds me of the sopranos....

0 Replies
 
shewolfnm
 
  2  
Reply Tue 9 Aug, 2011 06:45 pm
@lam7608,
lam7608 wrote:

Well I had to get an order of protection against her when my daughter was four because she tried to take her out of school amongst other things that have occurred throughout the years.



Wait a minute.

Did yall MISS that?

Ok, I am siding with the vast majority of ' he needs to meet and be with his kids too'..... but ... if someone were to take bean to another persons house whom I had to have an order of protection against and didnt, at the very LEAST tell me?
Yeah. Sorry. i would be pissed..
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Tue 9 Aug, 2011 07:06 pm
@shewolfnm,
Yeah, I know... that's why I was suggesting he and his kids meet with his Daughter and Her Kid somewhere else, like a restaurant or wherever he was staying.
0 Replies
 
 

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