The one most important thing to know/do to make a marriage work is...

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As I said in RexRed's California gays thread

"Before I got married I was given the advise that the most important skill to learn in marriage is to know what to ignore/forgive and what not to....which was a very good point."

25 years in I dont have anything better...do you?

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Type: Discussion • Score: 6 • Views: 1,720 • Replies: 16

@hawkeye10,

Revel in the differences and build upon the similarities?

Platitudes come a tad too readily to my tongue so I'd go with what works for each couple.

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@laughoutlood,

"Neither seek, nor take, marital advice from a misogynist."

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

learn to laugh at what youd normally take offense to.

I dont know, I just go along with her

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@hawkeye10,

In marriage or relationship, it is best to choose your battles carefully. So that you can win the "war".

1 Reply

@PhoebeKate,

PhoebeKate wrote:

In marriage or relationship, it is best to choose your battles carefully. So that you can win the "war".

Wait, that sounds like terrible advice.

1 Reply

@Gargamel,

Yeah, which leads to -- don't keep score or attempt to "win." Work together towards common goals, compromise on the rest.

And make sure your compliments/ positive interaction greatly outweigh the negative interaction. (I think Tara Parker Pope recommends a 5/1 ratio in her book about marriage, which was surprisingly un-annoying. I usually hate self-helpy type books but this one was interesting.)

1 Reply

@laughoutlood,

Quote:

Platitudes come a tad too readily to my tongue so I'd go with what works for each couple.

I'll bet that you could do better than that if your kid was about to get married and asked for advice on how to make it work......

1 Reply

@LionTamerX,

LionTamerX wrote:

"Neither seek, nor take, marital advice from a misogynist."

that sounds dangerously close to "I only work with people who agree with me", which is a defect that accounts for why America is so splintered and dysfunctional.

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@sozobe,

Quote:

Yeah, which leads to -- don't keep score or attempt to "win." Work together towards common goals, compromise on the rest.

That is common advise these days, which sounds good to those who think that relationship is or should be all about cooperation. Those of us who see relationship as both cooperative and combative however I think are less impressed. Would you want to be with a person who did not challenge you, stretch you? Wouldn't that be like always having sex with a person who is kind, gentile and yielding....AKA boring?

Not for me, I want more out of a relationship, and sex.

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@hawkeye10,

A person can be both challenging and collaborative.

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

Quote:

Would you want to be with a person who did not challenge you, stretch you? Wouldn't that be like always having sex with a person who is kind, gentile and yielding....AKA boring?

Not for me, I want more out of a relationship, and sex.

So we ought to conclude the following from your statement:

1. A kind person cannot challenge you.
2. People's behavior in bed matches exactly their behavior out of bed.
3. A kind person is not to be confused with a generous person, who would likely oblige if you asked him/her to make an effort to be aggressive or "challenging" in bed--only because such behavior would directly contradict #2.
4. The only way to have good sex is to **** shitheads and bitches.

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@sozobe,

sozobe wrote:

A person can be both challenging and collaborative.

not fully, we all set up walls, if our intimate partners will not challenge those walls they tend to stand, and get bigger, to our detriment. Think about how we here at A2K refuse to stick to telling people what they want to hear, how we challenge people and how so many of us have said that we value this about A2K.....same thing going on as is confrontation in intimate relationship.

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@hawkeye10,

That doesn't seem to have much to do with what I said. I agree that some degree of challenge is healthy. I'm saying that challenge and collaboration can exist in the same relationship -- you're setting up a false dichotomy.

(Great posts from Gargamel, I agree.)

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@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10 wrote:

Quote:
Platitudes come a tad too readily to my tongue so I'd go with what works for each couple.
I'll bet that you could do better than that if your kid was about to get married and asked for advice on how to make it work......

That's a bit odd. You're now arguing for the same thing working for every couple.

In that case, we should follow the relationship rules set by Gargamel and his wife. Just because.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Quote:

That's a bit odd. You're now arguing for the same thing working for every couple.

Not at all...I am claiming that there are patterns of behavior which tend to work, so when picking out the one best piece of advice to give all couples one picks the best combination of benefit and universality. If you are an individual it is in your best interest to try first what has worked best for the largest number of other people, the fact that any advise might not work for the recipients does not mean that no advise should be offered. Your assertion taken to its logical end would mean that we should never talk about anything, as there is always a chance that the other persons reality does not match up with ours.

I am willing to entertain the idea that there is no one most important thing to making a marriage work, but I reject the idea that the conversation about what that one thing would be is useless.

0 Replies

The one most important thing to know to make a marriage work is your partner =)

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