DEEPLY CONCERNED

Also, he has pushed, kicked, push his finger in my face and chest all in anger. He told me he hated me. After every fight, he is "filing for divorce" the very next day. I can't take it anymore. I feel myself falling out of love with him.

Did he act this way toward you before you married him?


How do you feel about taking the initiative to file for divorce rather than waiting for him to do it?

I have thought about that. I just feel like I didn't do everything I could to make the marriage work. I have talked about counseling with him. He will not go. It all boils down to his bipolar. He will not take medication for it. He says he has it under control when he obviously doesn't. I am not saying I am a saint, but I just don't know of any other way.

He wasn't this bad before we got married. We had arguments but nothing this bad. He never put his hands on me before we got married.

You didn't answer the first question about whether or not you knew this about his personality before you married him.

He wasn't this bad before we got married. We had arguments but nothing this bad. He never put his hands on me before we got married.

In your first statement you indicate he threw a plate at you, that could have injured you. In the above statement you indicate he has been physically abusive with kicking and pushing. Get out before he kills you. Find a friend or organization which helps abused and battered people. No amount of love will help you when you're laying in the hospital bed with broken bones or worse or are being lowered into a grave.

You're worried that you haven't done everything you could to make this marriage work?

He obviously hasn't done anything to make it work.

He wasn't "this bad" before you married. That means you knew he was bad, just not "this bad"

You can do much better.

This is never going to get better, in fact, it will get worse.

His behavior is escalating in violence.

I wonder why you hesitate in leaving him.

Most people would run like the dickens from someone who treated them like that.

What I meant by he wasn't that bad was...we would have normal fight. We would fight, talk about it and work it out. Now whenever we argue, he shuts me out. He tells me he doesn't want anything to do with me. He never talks about that fights when they are over with. I tell him it is essential to talk them out cause whatever is bothering him will continue to to get him upset. It seems like it's a never ending battle with him.

I'm afraid of leaving. If he is this bad now and I am not doing anything over the limit.. I can't even begin to think how he will be.
I gave him an ultimatum last night. Either he gets back on his bipolar medication or we are done. I can't keep going through this. I know deep down he is a caring individual but his condition is getting inbetween us.

Call a women shelter in your town and they will help you get out.
Do not stay in this marriage!!
Your husband is violent and he has no regard for your feelings nor does he
love you. Don't make excuses for him, even a diagnosis of bipolar does
not give him the right to be violent towards you.

Again, don't make excuses for him - get out now! Call the women shelter at once!

This guy sounds just like my first husband. Within a year of our getting married he did all of the things you have mentioned and pulled a gun on me and pulled the trigger. Thank God the gun jammed................but girl I got out! I am not one to advocate for divorce but if he is this way already after only four months I'd hate to see what he is like in six months or a year. I agree wholeheartedly with the get to a shelter advice.

My first husband was an absolute angel before we got married. That changed two weeks after we married.

Would it be a surprise to you to learn that many people do not fight on a regular basis?
How often, before he was "that bad" were you having "normal" fights?

Many people go for weeks on end, even months without having what you might refer to has a normal fight.

What would your normal fights be about?

Thank goodness I don't sense you are defending him for what he is now, but I pick up that you are leaning toward defending what he used to be like with you.
Having normal fights that occur so often that you can call them normal, well, that's not normal.

So, what is it you want? Do you think something is going to happen that will make him stop?
I wouldn't hold my breath. That isn't going to happen. Even if he does stop, he'll start again. He'll make you promises, then he'll break them, and will keep repeating that cycle.

The only bright spot in all this is that you're not pregnant. Whatever you do, don't get pregnant.

You know the answer to your problem, you know it as well as the rest of us do.

It's good that you know the answer, but bad that you're pretending you don't.

According to this website (and I suggest you read it)... http://helpguide.org/mental/bipolar_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm, there is nothing there that relates violence to bi-polar disorder, so don't assume it's related. Maybe he's just a jerk. Or maybe he has other (mental health) issues.

Either way, who cares what's causing it? What's happening is happening and if you don't like it, then you're free to leave. You don't really need advice; I think you're looking for confirmation. And it seems you've gotten it, so what are you going to do?

That's something I was thinking also.

However, not so much for confirmation, but permission to realize things aren't right, and to do something about it.

You all know me as someone who knows my own mind. I'll tell you, the first man I was married to got me so twisted around, I literally wouldn't know what to order in a restaurant. Once I ordered something, and he told me "You don't like that." I actually sat there for a long time, in deep confusion, wondering why I just ordered something that my appetite was telling me I wanted to eat, but that I couldn't like because he told me otherwise. The problem was that sitting there at that moment I really believed I didn't like it, but that I had made some sort of stupid mistake.

My only stupid mistake was marrying him.

Deeply Concerned, your story about him telling you it was your fault HE cooked his OWN steak incorrectly struck a cord. Again, a restaurant story, he liked his pasta al dente, and claimed that no restaurant where we were living could do it correctly.
I can imagine the utter exhausion you go through, just trying to have one day were every moment isn't a battle to get through.
We went to a restaurant we had been to many times. He always ordered the same thing, spaghetti. I was so tired of what I knew would happen, I said to him. "When you order, just TELL them you want it al dente" Of course he didn't, he just ordered. He got up to go to the restroom, and I quickly called the waitress over. I knew I had to make it quick, because he would have said "What were you talking to her about?" I got it over, and said "His order, the spaghetti? He always complains it's cooked too much. Could you please make sure you tell the cook to make it al dente?" She was young, and apparantly didn't know that term, so I said "You know, not cooked quite as much, tell them to cook it 1 minute less" She looked at me like she had never heard such a thing, and I knew he would be coming back in a few seconds, so I said "Really. Please. Just do this for me, ok?" My tone somehow made her realize I was in a bad way, and she said "ok"

When the food came, he took one bite, threw down his fork with a clatter and said "I can't eat this ****" (I have no doubt that it was not overcooked, he just couldn't say something was good after he made up his mind it wasn't"
That meant I couldn't eat either, because he didn't want to just sit there.
The rest of the night we fought over why he couldn't just tell a waitress how he wanted his food prepared.

If I have any regrets about that time, it's that I didn't wise up 4 months into the marriage, instead taking more like 18 months.

I say all this only to let you know a person can move on, and find much more happiness. There's a lot of happiness out there, just waiting for you.

Cut your loses and move on. He ain't gonna change honey, and it'll only get worse.

Your own words say everything you need to hear being said. Listen to yourself. Your instincts are trying to tell you something.



How bad does it need to get before you believe your inner voice when it tells you that it is bad enough and you should get the heck out of there?

Yeah, the inner voice, the one that many people don't listen to. There's a great book out there called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker that I think everyone should read. Sadly, it details a lot of incidents where people didn't listen to their instincts.

I think that's a great book mame.

Deeply Concerned if you leave, what do you think he's going to do?

You have control whether you answer the phone when he calls.
You have control whether you answer the door.
If you are leaving your home, you look outside carefully, and if you see him, you don't leave, you call the police. If you see him after you leave, you get in your car, lock the door and call the police, and/or drive there.
If you move out, you don't have to tell him where you are going.
If he goes to your place of work and creates a disturbance, the police can be called.
If you leave work, and see he's waiting to follow you, you don't drive home. You drive directly to the police station, pull right up to the door, and go inside.
If you are driving home, you keep your eyes open, and if you see him following you, you do the same thing.

It is totally in your control to choose not to acknowledge his calls, visits, etc.

I do suggest you read the Gift of Fear.
One of the thing the book talks about is stalkers (not saying he is one, but he might be if you leave)
You know how a bully/jerk will pick and pick and pick at you until you finally react? That's what a stalker does, attempting contact after contact until you finally acknowledge him.
As the book says, and I know this is true, if you do not respond by picking up the phone, talking to him, interacting with him for one thousand times, and then you finally pick up the phone you just taught the stalker that ALL HE HAS TO DO IS CALL YOU ONE THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE YOU TALK TO HIM.

You talk to him that one time, then start to ignore him again, he has learned that it's as simple as attempting contact 999 more times before you'll talk to him again.

But, it is totally in your control not to do that. The best you can hope for is that he will find someone else that is easier to get to.

When you do walk out, I wouldn't live with the absolute assumption he is going to cause trouble, although it's important to have a plan if that happens.
It could very well be that he is just a blowhard, and seemed more dangerous when you were trapped in the same home with him.
It could be he's not so tough once you have your own life to control.

There's nothing like the voice of someone who's lived through it. You really wanna play Russian Roulette with your life, hoping that the gun doesn't jam, he can't find a knife in a drawer to use on you, he doesn't strangle you hard enough to kill you, etc. etc. etc.?