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My questions & issues with porn

 
 
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 12:12 am
Let me start by saying I think my questions will be best answered by a man or men, but don't be afraid to say your piece if you're a woman. Ok, here is the situation. My husband likes to watch porn once in a while. I feel very hurt, as I consider this a form of cheating. I have asked if he "pretends" that the skank is performing oral sex on him as he watches her perform oral sex on her porn partner and he says no. He claims that he "sees" me in his mind. I'm not buying it. My theory is this, if he "sees" me then he doesn't need to watch porn. He can close his eyes and see me performing oral sex on him to get the same results. Also, he sadly, says sex can be very stressful with me as he has to worry about me being satisfied, and with porn, there isn't any stress involved. We have a great sex life, though to be fair, I will admit, I can get a bit testy if I am left "hanging" and not satisfied. Sorry, but frustration sometimes outweighs being rational. What it really comes down to is this, I look at porn as cheating-period. Is it true that a man can watch porn and "see" his wife, girlfriend, whatever, while he is watching another woman give oral sex to someone? I hope this lengthy question is okay. Thanks in advance for any responses.
 
mysteryman
 
  2  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 03:49 am
@jane6564,
In my opinion, porn can be used to "spice up" your sex life, but it should not be used to replace your sex life.

Let me ask you a question.
You said your husband "sees" you when he is watching porn. After watching, does he then want sex with you?
Do you do the things that he "sees" you do in his mind while watching porn?

If you dont like oral sex, and he does, then this could be his way of getting what he wants while at the same time not actually getting it.

I dont see the occasional viewing of porn as cheating, as long as it doesnt take over your sex life.
Have you considered sitting down and watching it with him?
maxdancona
 
  2  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 04:09 am
@jane6564,
First of all, porn is not cheating. It is fiction. There is no way that a man will develop an emotional connection with these fictional characters. Having a fantasy is not cheating.

If it were effecting your sex life then you would have a valid complaint. But, if not, what's the problem? As a man, the claim that he sees you when he watches porn is doesn't seems unlikely to me although I suppose it's possible. But this is irrelevant. What he is really saying is that it doesn't mean anything about his relationship with you.

These are fantasies nothing more. They meet a mental/physical need in a way that doesn't hurt you (unless you are wanting more sex from him) and don't require anything from you.

The alternative could be that you give him oral sex whenever he wants. Of course in a real relationship often one partner wants sex more than the other. In these cases, pornography is a perfectly good way to keep both people happy.
0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  0  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 09:19 am
@jane6564,
I agree with the comments so far. This porn stuff is not actually a problem unless it's the only way he can get off. If he's masturbating to it instead of making love to you...for SURE..that can be a problem.

Here's my thought: Guys are wired differently than women. Men are very visual. This visual predisposition 'helps' him. Many women don't need this sort of help, but some men on an occasion more often than not do need this sort of help to get off.
0 Replies
 
Cycloptichorn
 
  4  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 09:27 am
@jane6564,
Do you consider reading a romance novel to be 'cheating?' I doubt it. It's the same thing, though; the use of outside media to stimulate imagination.

Fantasizing about having sex with women is a perfectly natural part of any man's life. I guarantee your husband has been doing so since about age 12, and that didn't change just because you came along.

I can report that pornography, while acting as an initial stimulant, does often indeed lead to amorous thoughts of one's mate. I wouldn't say it exclusively does, but it often does.

Cycloptichorn
0 Replies
 
jane6564
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 10:31 am
@mysteryman,
Thanks for responding, I appreciate it. I guess I should have given more details and been more specific. I LOVE oral sex with him; giving and receiving, and he is NEVER denied it. He never watches porn when I am home and I am not one of those women that play the "withhold sex" games. We have a very active sex life, always have. Additionally, and this is not meant to sound arrogant, but I am by far much more attractive than the women on these videos. So what we have here is my need to understand why he would ever feel the need to watch another woman on a video. He has told me that sex can be very stressful with me as he is always greatly concerned that I am satisfied, and when he watches porn there isn't any stress involved. My issue is quite simple. If he pictures me in his mind giving him oral sex while watching another woman on a video give someone else oral sex, then why the need to watch it at all? Why can't he picture me in his mind (without the porn) and get the same non-stressful orgasm? Now for the crazy question, and I hope no one gets the wrong idea. He has hinted around about making our own video and stated that if he had that, he'd never feel the need to watch porn again because he'd much rather watch me than anyone else. I have no issue with making a video, we just haven't done it; it's sort of been on the list of things to do I guess. I know my theory of porn =cheating is not popular, but, if he has everything at home, and I do mean everything, then I just don't get it. Can anyone explain the stress that he feels when we have sex? I understand it is important to him to satisfy me, and it is important to me too. To be all informative, I admit, there have been a few times that I was left "hanging" and I guess I didn't exactly handle it with much grace or understanding. In fact, I might go so far as to say I was a bit of a bitch about it. Well, there's pretty much everything in a nutshell. (I've copied/pasted my response to each that replied. Thank you.)
parados
 
  4  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 10:56 am
@jane6564,
Being with real person is different from a fantasy. Your husband is trying to tell you that.

Quote:
He has told me that sex can be very stressful with me as he is always greatly concerned that I am satisfied, and when he watches porn there isn't any stress involved.


He feels a need to make sure you are getting what you need which means he can't concentrate on himself. When no one else is involved then he has no distractions.

Your reaction in the past has probably made it more stressful. He doesn't want to leave you hanging which is good but he feels stressed about it, which is bad. Not your fault. Not his fault. But both of you can fix it. My suggestion is that sometimes sex can be about only pleasing one person. Not all the time and not always the same person, but in such a way where all the need and stress to reciprocate is gone.

Eventually, you may learn that sex isn't just about who gets off in the end. Sometimes it's about a long journey with a lot of stops on the way and no one getting off.
Bella Dea
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 11:16 am
Why do you feel threatened by a video?

jane6564
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 11:18 am
@parados,
I know my reaction in the past has been so hurtful, and unforgiving...if I could take it all back I would. Even when I tell him it's ok and to not worry about me, he still feels so guilty, and will continue until his own orgasm is really crappy...hate that alot. But, back to my biggest problem, him watching other women. If he's totally satisfied at home, and is never denied like many men are, then why the need for the porn? Especially since the women are not attractive. Your reply was fantastic though, I appreciate the insight regarding the "long journey", very well written. Thanks.
0 Replies
 
joefromchicago
 
  5  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 11:26 am
@jane6564,
jane6564 wrote:
What it really comes down to is this, I look at porn as cheating-period.

Well then dump his cheating ass. Jeez, if you caught him with his dick in some skank's mouth, instead of beating off to porn, would you immediately rush to post a message on an internet forum asking "Is it true that a man can be getting a blowjob from some whore and 'see' his wife, girlfriend, whatever?" Somehow, I sincerely doubt it.

The fact that you haven't dumped him strongly indicates that you don't equate viewing porn with cheating. In fact, you regard it as a good deal less egregious than actual cheating with an actual woman. So unless you're prepared to end your marriage over your husband's porn habit, you can cut the "cheating" bullshit right now.
jane6564
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 11:27 am
@Bella Dea,
Not threatened....just hurt. We have a HUGE history, like 30 years huge, we met when we were 15. Years ago he left because he "thought" I was cheating on him...it was terrible. I just don't see the reason behind him wanting to watch another woman do whatever to someone else, when he has the real thing at home, always. It definitely puts a damper on my own ego and tends to make me experience a sense of inadequacy. I am not an insecure person, and I do not ever question his feelings, etc. Simply put, why is there a need if his needs are satisfied. I would understand if I were one of the several woman who have lost interest, or a woman that objected to giving oral sex. I guess I feel as though if he has to watch another woman, he must need more than I give...I know, probably a foolish outlook, none the less, it hurts to think he needs more than just me.
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 11:31 am
@jane6564,
I'm not getting you are grasping what some of us are trying to tell you here. It's not cheating, but the hurt for you is still there. You can't see this differently right now. However that doesn't change the possiiblity that it's not cheating and it is not likely to cause him to cheat.
jane6564
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 11:32 am
@joefromchicago,
So angry, Joe. Perhaps a better way to have put it would have been a "form of cheating", is that better? A slight transgression that I equate with being somewhat unfaithful? Regardless, I appreciate your insight.
Bella Dea
 
  2  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 11:36 am
@jane6564,
Because one person (or thing) cannot satisfy every need we ever have.

Yes, he "needs" more than you can give. Every person in the world needs more than just one person can give them. If it wasn't this, it would be something else. You can't fill the space he reserves for his "guy time" with his friends and you don't want to. But for some reason, women just get so hung up on sex.

It's like reading. Or writing. Or singing. Or crafting. Or restoring. Those are things people enjoy that fill a need. People don't HAVE to do any of those things but they enjoy it so they do. Fishing isn't going to fill the desire I have to read. Having sex with you fulfills many needs and desires he has (maybe all), except one. Simple and unstressful release. Masturbation.

Your husband is looking for a release of his own without the pressure of making you happy. That is not wrong. What this says to me is that he loves you enough to want to make you happy when you do have sex. He isn't replacing anything.

This has nothing at all to do with you.


Read that again.


This has nothing at all to do with you.


He doesn't love you less or want you less. Or expect you to be a porn star. He is doing this because it makes him happy on his own time.

If he was masturbating alone without a medium, what do you suppose he would think about? You? Sure, some of the time. The girl down the street? Yeah, some of the time. An actress? Maybe. He's masturbating because it's fast, easy and requires zero commitment on his part. It' 100% guy. Wink

Point is, this is not a problem unless it is cutting into your sex life.
DrewDad
 
  2  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 11:42 am
@jane6564,
His relationship with his right hand predates his relationship with you.
jane6564
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 11:43 am
@Ragman,
I would never in a million years think, or accuse him of cheating with another woman in the flesh...never. Yep, the hurt is still there. He feels inadequate when I am not satisfied, so it would stand to reason that he should appreciate how I feel inadequate based on him watching porn. Again, if he gets everything he needs at home with me, then why the need for the porn? I geuinely want to understand this, as I am not thrilled with the prospect of dragging this around with me for the next 30 years. Granted, if he were "physically" cheating, I'd tell him to kick rocks in a blink. I suppose it's more the idea of him watching other women. Man this is difficult to explain...apparently. Why does he have to "fantasize" about anyone doing anything, I am a very willing participant. Which brings me back to me feeling inadequate. In my mind, if I felt the need to fantasize about another man, then it would be obvious I am not getting what I personally need from him. Is that a better way to explain it? Sorry if I am creating any hostility in anyone, not my intention.
joefromchicago
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 11:44 am
@jane6564,
jane6564 wrote:

So angry, Joe. Perhaps a better way to have put it would have been a "form of cheating", is that better? A slight transgression that I equate with being somewhat unfaithful? Regardless, I appreciate your insight.

"Somewhat unfaithful?" Isn't that like being "somewhat pregnant?"
jane6564
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 11:48 am
@Bella Dea,
Holy Crap!!! You may have just broken through to my very obstinate brain. "Simple and unstressful release".....that's what he says, in a nutshell. You are a genious. I can't say that I am miraculously okay with it, but you certainly have put it into a much different perspective. Yet, I still have that sting of him using other women in his mind, and not just me. I'll have to work on that.
jane6564
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 11:49 am
@DrewDad,
I wouldn't be too sure about that, we lost our virginity to each other.
jane6564
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 11:50 am
@joefromchicago,
Hahaha...touche.
 

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