My questions & issues with porn

I'm pretty sure that women masturbate, too.

Are you suggesting that he never masturbated prior to having intercourse with you?

He was wanking long before losing his virginity.

And I hope that did give you some perspective.

Things would be better between you if you weren't crazy-mad at him for doing it because now he has to hide to do it. Which probably makes it more exciting but is also causing him to do something behind your back, which makes YOU feel insecure and angry.

Perhaps try and watch together some time. You might find that it turns you on too.

DD, I was referring to the "fast, easy and requires zero commitment" part. Hence, the winking smilie.

It looks like it's exactly because he feels inadequate when you're not satisfied that he finds porn enjoyable. It sounds like the dynamic in your relationship is that there is a premium placed on your enjoyment, and he feels a lot of pressure. Pressure is a libido-squelcher for a lot of people.

You pressuring him to satisfy you, and then also pressuring him about porn, equals a double dose of pressure for him.

Porn = no pressure.

I have no problem with your claimed 'obstinancy'. I feel what you are saying and your frustration.

His thoughts are just that...his thoughts. He should have the freedom to think whatever he wants ... otherwise it's a prison. The fantasy and the act of watching porn is not another woman it's JUST his thought and a program. You can't own his mind. You do however have his heart!

You keep referring to these poerno films and has porn thoughts and fantasies in a way as though theyre REALLY another woman. 'He can't be arrested for thinking of robbing a bank...only the deed. Don't 'arrest' him for watching porn. He has different taste than you do.

He has your heart and you have his. That much is clear. Be happy with that and give him permission to fantasize how he wishes. that it freedom.

Jeez, I feel like I'm in the crosshairs of a firing squad....just kidding. Ok, ok, ok, I get it. So porn-good, pressure-bad.

Buuuuttttt, why the need to fantasize about anyone other than me? Wow, did that sound as juvenille and foot-stomping to you as it did to me? Anyway, seriously, if I were not willing to do anything he wanted, if I were not; pat myself on the back, very attractive, or if I were not genuinely interested, then I would understand. However, I am willing, attractive and interested, so what gives? It's not a question of him loving me, or wanting me.

Jane: we are saying offering you this advice with concern and caring for you and your hubby. The difficulty has some of its roots in control and learning to speak another language. You may want to understand his language by trying a bit of an immersion in it. Perhaps one way to understand this is to watch porn with him and keep a hand in it, so to speak

This is NOT about level of attractivness or attraction. However, this could be about less pressure and less guilt,.

How's this idea for a suggestion as an alternative that differs from porn for him? Why not dress up with a wig and maybe even a uniform of some sort? Try some role play. Meet as strangers in a role play script. Stay in character too. Go to a hotel and shack up. The better the acting and refining of the script, the hotter it'll be. That's my suggestion to you both.

Porn ..in and of itself is NEITHER good or bad. It is just there as an outlet for your hubby. I'm still not getting a sense he relies on it or it's out of control. Reactions (or over-reaction) to it can give it more importance or more impact than it deserves.

If only there were something with which a woman could masturbate that was fast, easy, and didn't require a commitment....

*sigh* You're KILLING me here!



I was taking an unfair jab at men.

ABSOLUTELY DONT!!!!!!!!!!!!

While it sounds like a good idea for the two of you, what happens to the video if you ever divorce?
Who gets custody of it?

And what would stop you (or him) from posting that video on the internet somewhere if you ever did divorce?

And would you want him showing it to other people?
How would you stop him.

Thats just my opinion, but I think a video like that could be a real bad idea.

I trust him, and us, completely. He is much too private to ever share it with anyone...ever. But, we haven't done it yet, so perhaps I'll probably chicken out. Thank you for your words of concern, and care. Ya' know, I really just want to say, thank you. It was really quite kind of you to throw some Devil's Advocate thoughts out there for me. Thanks.

I would lean towards the "don't make a video you don't want you mother to see" side.

You just never know.

I just wanted to let all that replied know I have come to terms with my "crazy-mad", and placed things in their proper perspective. I appreciate all the advice and explanations...especially Bella Dea.

test

Good to see you dislike withholding and you are right to feel hurt. The problem however seems that he is still stressed, despite you giving him the freedom he needs.
It will still remain a problem until that is resolved. Even if you make a movie, he still would feel stressed and it could lead to him to asking for more and more things to get around the problem resulting in conflict between him and you.
So try to find out how he can feel relaxed in bed. Perhaps you're spoiling him so well in bed that he constantly feels the need to do something in return.

Men have different sexual needs than women. Seems like he's either very much in love with you to be stressed out about getting you off...either that or you are putting too much pressure on him to get you off. Maybe try finding a way to make the sex less stressful. Try some exagerated 'moans' that will give him more confidence and take the edge off, I'm not saying 'fake it' because I know you want to get yours. Being that you are both each other's first, maybe he's also looking for something new in porn that you guys haven't done yet. If he hasn't asked, then you should ask him what he wants you to do.

Seriously, I've watched a lot of porn in my days and I can honestly say, I've never thought about anyone other than the person I'm with when I'm having sex with them...except one chick because the light coming trough the window made her look like Sherri Oteri (from SNL a few years ago) and I just chuckled a lot when I thought about it. It was one of the reasons we had to break up.