Divorce? Tough it out? what to do...

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I'm 29, and have been with my husband since I was 21. It was definately a rough ride for us. In the beginning of our relationship, we had many issues... mostly him partying, staying out all night, and cheating too in the early days. But I stuck it out because I loved him, and we had so much fun together.

But now that he's grown up a bit, I find that the way I feel for him has changed. Maybe it was all the years I felt disrespected, it just changed the way I feel about him. He says he loves me, but most of the time I feel like he can't be bothered. Never makes plans for our anniversary, no presents on Christmas, or birthdays, or Valentines Day... Eating in restaurants with him has even become boring, and we argue.

We have no children. I want to have children, but I am so hesitant to have his kids because I feel like someday I will make the decision to leave him and I don't want to have kids when I leave.

But strangely enough, he's my best friend. We laugh and the same things, and we have fun together. We travel the world together. We play sport together. We have all the same friends. But while we occasionally have sex, truthfully I just am not sexually attracted to him anymore.

I'm afraid to leave because I wonder if it will mean I will be alone forever. I'm also afraid I'll leave and realize that I've screwed up a relationship with a man who has come to be very loving and supportive of me. I'm afraid of making the wrong decision, and I feel like I'm spending my youth in limbo. It's been so long with my husband I don't think I know how to be alone anymore.

And what kills me most of all is that I have fallen for another man. While I've never committed adultery, I think that I am genuinely in love with him. I just can't figure out if I'm really in love, or if I'm infatuated because the grass is just greener on the other side.

I know that marriage isn't always easy, but honestly, WHY tough it out if you're not really happy? If we have no kids, and no assets, why stay together?

I don't know what to do.

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Okay, my opinion:

First of all, separate the two issues - 1) you are not in love with your husband anymore and 2) you have fallen in love with someone else.

Regarding your husband, from what you've said, maybe it'd be best for both of you to separate and just be best friends. I also question whether he has been 'loving and supportive' - he cheated, he doesn't buy you seasonal gifts, you feel 'disrespected'... you need to figure that out.

Regarding your new flame, I'd seriously just date the guy, if you must, but not have an affair or serious relationship until you've lived on your own a while and have figured out what's what.

Okay, that's my 2 cents.

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@Annabel80,

All right, let's start off by forgetting the other dude. Let's not get into whether he reciprocates your feelings. Recognize that crushes can happen, even to people who are, actually, happily married. That doesn't mean this isn't real -- it just means it's not necessarily super-special. Sorry.

Right now, let's just concentrate on the Annabel80-husband relationship.

I am reading a few main points here:
(1) a lack of interest on your part, possibly also his
(2) you want kids. It's unclear whether he does.
(3) your fear of being alone
(4) you like him as a good friend, and fear you'll screw that up

#1 - if he's also uninterested, there's little point in continuing with the marriage. Get out now and stop wasting his and your time.
#2 - if you want kids and he doesn't, get out now. That should be a dealbreaker for any marriage. It just ain't fair to either party, no matter what happens, and it's not fair to any kids who may come along.
#3 - you're 29. Did you have independent time before marrying? You may find you have far more inner resources than you ever imagined. BTW, people a lot younger, less educated and poorer than you live alone every single day. **** happens, people become widowed and the like, and end up alone. Or they do it by choice. Alone does not have to be a horror show.
#4 - yeah, you'll very likely screw that up. At the absolute minimum, things will change. Divorced people can be good friends but there is no get out of jail free card here. There will be some hurt feelings, at least for a while.

I think you need to communicate. Find out -- does he want kids? Does he want to continue? You can have that discussion (perhaps in a therapist's office) without it being a screaming fight where divorce is threatened.

Clear your head of the other guy, at least for a while, and see what can happen with your marriage. Perhaps it should continue. Perhaps it should end. But don't add unnecessary complications into it right now. Take care of your own house first.

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@Annabel80,

First inform your husband that there is serous problems in the marriage.

As a male he might not even be aware of how unhappy you are. I tell my wife times after times if I do anything to annoy or hurt you to let me know and not to assume that I am aware of a problem in the relationship.

Second, suggestion that you both should enter into married counseling to address those problems.

Third, do not get another man into the mixed until and if you had decided and informed your husband that the marriage is beyond saving.

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@BillRM,

I almost totally agree with Bill on this one - inform your husband.

I had a friend who was ready to divorce her husband, and she had never come right out and told him what she wanted from him. She insisted that 'he should know, I've dropped enough hints'...to which I told her 'men don't work that way - we're thick as two bricks when it comes to hints. You need to tell him straight out' (actually, I told her that she needed to have a fight with him, because that was the only way she was capable of talking outright with him). 2 weeks later she told me it was the best advice I'd ever given her...and one month later she goes "It's backfired on me. Now he's telling me what he really thinks as well."

Seriously - there are many guys out there that think there is nothing wrong when in reality, their marriage is about to fall apart.

Btw, you may want to have a chat to your husband about him settling into a comfort zone and taking you, and your love, for granted.

Relationships aren't a stagnant thing that can just sit there and live. Any relationship that is not growing, is dying (even if only slowly).

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Yes, this is a tough one. You have some time involved with this guy, so it's important that you really have a good vision of the situation.

Just because a guy is not into holidays is not reason to dump him.

You say he's your best friend, but the magic is gone in the bedroom. When and how did that happen?

Don't let this other guy distract you. You need to really think about this.

Regret is a bad thing to live with . . .

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Divorce? Tough it out? what to do...

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