making friends

You should be more concerned about whether people like you. If people like us, it's easier to like them. Sounds like the people you meet may get a negative vibe from you and reflect it back. Maybe you piss them off by making cleverdick comments like this?



Sounds like you may need to do one or more of these: (a) see a psychiatrist (b) get over yourself (c) grow up.

are you saying that that comment wasn't justified?

what do you do to learn about them/their activities/their interests?

Do you feel like maintaining relationships is a chore...like you have to work at it? Would you keep your acquaintances if they would allow you to duck out for a few months and return without excuses?

I learn about them through conversation, but I don't particularly care to know about them...

part of the reason why I don't like the people I know, is because I feel they cannot provide for me, and I know how self-centred that sounds, but its what I feel. I need to be around people whom I respect, and I don't really respect the people I know, I don't dislike them but I just don't care about them.

this might boil down to the fact that I am not good at expressing how I feel adequately, and I don't have anyone who I can just go to and talk to.

I don't feel like I have any real relationships with people, so, so far a maintenance is concerned, I don't really take part in that, I just happen to be related to a few people through secondary school, and then there are some people I know from college. Although I know that my friends would listen to me, I don't like the idea of talking to them, I don't like the idea of talking to anyone, because it just means that your vulnerable, weak etc.

I want to get over all this bullshit, but I just don't know where to begin.

Here you are, talking yer head off about how you dont like talking yer head off with people you dont want to deal with yet the concept of being a hermit disagrees with you. ? Me too.

I've always found that most people are interesting, even deserving respect if you actually listen to them. You never know what they'll say, if ya, you know sit down and have a conversation with them.

Well, I hope I'm not wasting your time - so tell me if you get tired of my line of conversation...

You DO have relationships...with those people you mentioned, but it seems like those are quite surface relationships right now, because you don't like making yourself vulnerable to people by divulging more personal aspects of who you are. Is that accurate?

So, you are stuck at the friendly acquaintance level?

How does talking to someone make you weak? I don't understand.

well, maybe thats one of the joys of the internet, I can tell you about what I don't like telling you, without hesitation. you, the anonymous you.

your right, even with the people whom I have known the longest, I struggle to be open with them.

a big part of this, or a major contributing factor, is that I'm gay, and I struggle to tell people that I am. I feel incredibly insecure about it, and I sometimes hate myself for being insecure about it.

Well, there you go!! Is there a support group you can join, where you can develop comfort with that aspect of who you are? I think that's a great place to start.

Meanwhile, we are some nutty gay lovin people here (most of us). Hopefully some time here can give you some strength to take your show on the road.

You can do this.

Sounds like you're stuck in a defensive crouch. (If they don't matter to you, they can't hurt you.)

Can I ask how old you are?

Hi EP, I have two thoughts in relation to different aspects of what you are going through :

1. Did you know that making yourself vulnerable is a sign of strength, rather than weakness? Most people fear being vulnerable, so hiding from fear is easier than facing up to it with your head held high (hence it requires strength). Learning to accept and embrace the parts of you that make you feel vulnerable becomes a strength of character.

I used to face this - fear of being vulnerable, of trusting, of being hurt...and I had a similar problem as you, in that there were many people I was sort of friendly with, but very few I had true friendships with (and those that I did have were usually through circumstance rather than purposefulness on my part)...very few that I was open with.

For me it was that bad that I struggled to feel any true emotions - most times I would do things without ever knowing what it was I felt. I grew up with that, until at about 18years old I began wondering what was wrong with me - not that other people really told me there was something wrong, but I knew within myself there was something wrong. I took the long way - working it out myself....working it out involved getting to know who I was, and what my fears were, and working through and past those fears until they no longer held any power to drain me. It was very much like learning to walk, only (I would say) much more difficult for me. But the prize at the end of the day is worth it.

By the way, feeling 'drained' around people (which I used to feel all the time), is caused by internal 'fights' between your fears and your desire to talk to and connect with people (which your fears don't want to ever let you do) - ie. it's not people that drain you, but the internal emotional conflict that does.

2. Feeling that they can't 'provide for you'. Genetically, that's a female trait. I've often noticed with lesbians that so many of them look manly, while many gay guys behave in a feminine manner. To me it makes sense that genetics play a part (as people have claimed for so long) and that those genetics involve gender crossovers. So probably it's not too surprising that you feel that way, but I think you may in part be suffering from misconstrued perspectives. There are other things that people of both sexes can provide, including : warmth, love, friendship, care, compassion, shared laughter, memories, trust, listenning, positiveness, happiness, variety, anger, respect, understanding, different perspectives, insight. connection, bonding, similarity, differences etc.

I am 22 years old.

Thanks. Still in college, or graduated?

Have you had a serious romantic relationship yet?

What sort of environment are you in -- how big of a deal is it that you're gay?

(Sorry for all the questions, the answers have a bearing on what advice I give...)

I'm back in college.

I've never had a serious romantic relationship.

It's not a big deal that I am gay, inasmuch as no one that I tell is going to reject me, but I simply struggle to tell people.

Why do you struggle then, do you think?