Could he be telling the truth?

Call his bluff. Tell him you love him and want to keep your marriage and family together. Tell him it is up to him to prove to you that you can trust him. How he does it is not your problem. If having to get rid of the cell phone and "have no life" is the only way he can control himself, then that is what he needs to do.

If he decides to get rid of the cell phone, warn him that if you find out he has purchased another cell phone and is having the bill sent somewhere else, or catch him in another lie about women, that it will be the last straw.

Set the boundaries and stick to them. Don't make any more excuses and accept no further lies from him. It is his responsibility to demonstrate you can trust him again. Tell him you want to be an active participate in the reviewing of bills each month. Set a date six months and then a year from now to re-evaluate how things are going.

Find some activities the two of you can do together, perhaps a weekly family night to spend time with the kids or to have a date night, even if it is just dinner at home and a DVD.

Well, it sorta depends on how willing she is to be a single pare t to two small children. Bluff-calling and ultimatums can come back to bite you in the ass.

Hey CL, I'm really sorry to hear this. I know how much you wanted a family and everyone looked so happy in the wedding photos you posted. However, if someone has the strong desire to cheat they will usually find a way. I think our instincts tend to be correct about these things and your husband's actions sure point to a guilty verdict. I think you do have to decide what you want to put up with. You can't make a person behave themselves if they don't want to. I don't think counseling is the answer because people have to want to change. He's not going to suddenly be a faithful husband and father because someone tells him he should, and my guess is he is not mature enough or ready to commit to a family life. I think he likes having his cake and cheesecake too. Now you have to decide if you are willing to put up with this cheat because he is paying the bills or do you want to separate from him, collect child support and try to raise your kids with him out of the house. I especially feel bad for the kids, they know when mom and dad are not happy. It will set an example for them either way, so I think you have to be careful how you and your husband treat this situation, especially when they are around. I do think you should try and find some emotional support either within your family (mother, sister, cousin???) or find a counselor just for you to gain different perspectives and options. I hope it all works out for the best no matter what you decide.

Write the bitch. Let her know that you know she exists. Why should he have all the fun texting. Make a game out of it.
Then yes get counseling. I've been where you are, sadly. I don't recommend it to anyone.

Thank you everyone for your replies and support...

I am truly not sure where I will go from here. On one side, I could follow my instinct and think he is just good at pretending to be innocent... on the other side, he may be truthful and it may just look bad

He is a wonderful father and a very affectionate husband... usually cheaters become aloof... I sometimes wonder if he has a problem.... as odd as it sounds, I have a feeling he connects with different girls for emotional involvement and never takes it further... which to me still is not fair

At this time I have to be that girl, the girl that checks his cell phone for each text. Since he deletes every text, call and email he gets the second he gets it, I have asked him to refrain and let me get the phone first... if he has nothing to hide and she texts him about nothing unusual, then it may shed a different light on the situation.

I hope for my sake and my childrens sake that he is being truthful. If, however, I do find he has been unfaithful, I will not hesitate to leave him. I just need solid proof for me to do so without the wonder.

So for the next few days, weeks or months... however long it takes, I shall be watching him... ugh I hate this!

Ha! Maybe I should invite her out for my bday next week... she is just a friend... right?!? :-)

don't count on it

That's your proof. I could walk over to my husband right now and take his phone from him and scroll through all his calls and text messages. I could go into the history of our email (even on our backups) and look at every email he has sent and responded to. He wouldn't care or try to stop me. He would only get annoyed if I reminded him he hasn't called his mother in a while. Once the trust is gone in a relationship it is very hard to get it back.

As someone who has more he friends than she friends I can tell you that it's possible that he's being truthful. It's also possible that he's feeling emotionally disconnected from you, particularly if, like most mothers of two small children, your energies are tied up with taking care of the kids. I've been on both sides of this situation and I know that it's possible for things to work out.

It's possible that he's talking to the girls because they don't put any demands on him. I don't mean that to infer that you're a demanding wife, just that maybe he's talking to them to escape the reality of his responsibilities.

I too have many friends of the opposite sex, but I never text them almost everyday all day...

I devote all my time to work, my kids and him. I never go out anymore. I try to give him his space and he goes out each week to play darts with the guys. I try to not call or text during this time... if I do text him, it usually takes him an 30 minutes to 2 hours to reply, stating his phone was on the table and he did not hear it..

I always believed him, until I saw the phone bill... I saw my ignored text and the entire time he was texting this girl every 1-5 minutes, back and forth..

right now wish I was that demanding wife... it might be a little easier..

At this current time, he is upset with me because I have explained to him why I cannot believe him... and he is watching the football game, half paying attention to me and half thinking everything is ok... which is what he tends to do, sweep every issue under the rug...

I am just at my breaking point I think

My great uncle kept a mistress for years. She was at many family BBQ's, weddings, birthdays etc. I was in my teens before I knew she was more than my uncle's secretary. My great aunt was no fool, she knew, but she was raised at a time when women put up with such things. She was willing to share the man if it meant she got to keep the lifestyle. She had a big house with a pool to entertain her friends, a huge diamond on her finger, the title of "Mrs.", and her two sons went to Yale because of his salary and connections. Both women dressed like widows when he died. What I'm trying to say is that bringing her closer into your world will not make her go away.

I know you are. Hugs!

Oh god, I was kidding about inviting her out! ha

Besides, I pay all my own bills, he just pays for the cell phone :-)

Thanks... my grandmother would say "and this too shall pass"

Right now my children come first, so if that means he sleeps in the guest room until I can figure things out, then so be it... at least I get the comfortable bed I guess :-)

Oh sweetie.

Him going over the calls with you makes me wonder if, deep down, he wanted you to find out/figure it out. What that means, I have no idea (do I look like Freud?). Guilt? Or no guilt? Helfino.

I do know you're hurting, and this is a rough position to be in.

Hang in there -- we're here when you need us.

I wish I had something useful to say, but I don't.
I feel really bad for you and I hope you can work this thing out.
You are a strong woman -- you've proved that.
Stay strong.

I worry about the kids.

They are being raised by a distracted, unhappy mother who does not trust her husband and wants him to sleep in the guest room. There must be thick tension in the house. Kids pick this up.

And it sounds like Daddy just a big kid, not a real father. Certainly not a husband.

I was married to an SOB for 13 years, had three kids. I can't believe I lived with such knots in my stomach and hear-ache for all those years. My three kids (now adults) DO have small issues that I can relate back to what was happening in the home and with me, as the primary person in their lives.

Later, I was angry at myself for taking all the crap and for living like that. We divorced, then single for 4 years, then married the love of my life for 25 years.

It is wonderful to feel totally loved, trusted and to be trusting of your spouse.

You don't know what you are missing.

Get this sorted out - ASAP.

Exactly my feelings on the issue. I feel sorry for you, but I can't really say anything more than what has been said already.

Hope it works out for ya.

(((((((Hug)))))))))))))

Havn't read the other answers, but here's mine.

Uhmmmmmmmm!!! ..seems you are in denial about that blatant proof you bring youself. That which is carved in stone to me, is blurry and with great uncertainty for you.

Get rid of that bastard!

Hello, sweetheart. I'm really sorry that you're having to live through this. I did want to give you my opinion on a couple of points.

1. Staying together for the sake of the children is not the thing to do. I thought the same thing: A good parent should sacrifice happiness to keep a family under the same roof. A mom and a dad at home is best for children... The sacrifice shows selflessness and character. I was wrong. If you stay and continue to try, let it be only because you love him and in your quiet moments, you know you are willing to slog through some hard stuff on the chance that you and he may emerge successful.

The marriage relationship should be the foundation of the home. If it is broken, everyone suffers.

My own children, who adored me and their dad told me after he passed away that they had both privately wished I'd divorced him years ago. An unhappy marriage makes an unhappy environment for children and turns their parents into unnatural, embittered people; sad deviated caricatures of who they would've and should've been.

If there is a strong skeleton of love or a potentially good relationship under all this bad behavior that might be saved - and if you are willing to go through the long, frightening process of re-establishing trust - then do. It will take years and perfectly responsible behavior from your husband. If your heart knows he's not accepting this challenge gladly and honestly, and is driven by duress, instead of love for you, then please go.

2. I think he refuses counseling because he's got you accepting what he knows most therapists would advise you not to accept.

3. I would do this:

In a friendly, cooperative spirit and relaxing environment - meet with him with the purpose of deciding together what is going to become of your marriage.

Previous to meeting, write down what you need to stay in the relationship. (ie, no emotional relationships with women outside the marriage, complete transparency of bank records, phone records, you can pick up his phone or look over his shoulder any time with no recriminations...) What will you need to rebuild trust in him?

Share the list with him. Tell him if he can't or won't do it, you understand. You can work with him to shield the kids from a rancorous divorce and he can be free to live as he chooses, just not with you.

I think when a partner "cheats" (you may not think he did; I do) he owes the offended partner increased transparency while she re-establishes trust. If he wants the relationship more than his dalliances, he'll give it gladly. If not, he'll argue about it.

4. Spend a little time or money and have his Tuesday night dart game confirmed.

It's scary to make a change like this. For many people, the security of a bad marriage is preferable to the insecurity of striking out on your own. Plus, he may be thinking of the exorbitant child support he'll be saddled with for the next 18 years...and wanting to keep you pacified while having his fun on the side. Don't live that life, darling.

Good luck. Go slow, but resolutely.

Big virtual hug to you. You will be ok.