My husband thinks I am not beautiful.

Wow, will you look at that.

An example of how posters treat me - it's an ego thing.

completely agree

it has to do with the guilt

I know this is an old post but I just stumbled on it and would like to comment. My husband has just revealed to me that he had an emotional affair with one woman then told me that it was not just her but 24 other women that he was infactuated with over a forty year time span. I asked him why he doesn't give me that kind of attention ever and he told me he can't because they are beautiful and I am not.

That sounds nasty - I'm sorry this happened. What are you and your husband doing to address this issue (if I may ask)?

Hi Samantha, you came onto this site asking for advice, well here it is. Number 1. forget her. At some point in the past we've all been shat upon from a great height, you get in the shower and then move on. Your husband has to do the same. You have to help him by being fun, tantalising, exciting and adventurous, nothing to do with beauty - if you think you look lovely then that's all that matters. You also need to be demanding - high maintenance! If you're both putting 100% into the marriage, he'll be thanking his ex-mate for taking that bitch off his hands lol!

If you find it's just you putting 100% in, you have to wonder if you're floggin a dead horse here.

Good luck

I didn't mention that he told me he would trash me (smear me) to get more attention from women. I went to a counsellor hoping to get marriage counselling for both of us but after a year and a half of him just counselling me he said that my husband has a narcissist personalty disorder with sociopath and psycopath tendencies. He said he could not counsel us because there is no relationship to counsel. That my relationship never existed and my husband never loved me only himself. He taught me all the tactics this type of person uses' which were all right on, so that in living with him he can't hurt me so much. He told me I should leave the relationship or I will regret it later.I am 60 years old gave my heart and soul to my family. I can't believe this is happening.

This behavior is new and you saw no sign of it for many decades of being married to the man before this?

Could be he have develop some underlining medical condition such as the very early beginning of dementia?

It might be worthwhile to have his physical health check out.

Good luck.........

His physical health is fine. I suspected he was having an affair only one time 35 years ago. He has often exhibited narsisstic traits which I thought were normal but confusing to me such as manipulating, lying, gas-lighting, twisting things around, changing the story and mental and verbal abuse. I have just come to understand all this through therapy. He has been doing this for many years but it is a subtle abuse which is probably why I thought it as normal. My counsellor told me he is very good at duping me and many people who are in a situation such as me don't realize it. I told him that I had felt something was wrong in our marriage but could not put a finger on it and that is when he told me all this. That was almost three years ago. When he told me I started to cry and he told me to shut up and quit being such a baby. He said look I didn't go out with you because you were beautiful, He said get over it, it was all in the past. Then went on to say proudly that he was quite popular with the women. He said since my heart attack ten years ago he has been good and decided then he would make things up to me. I think he may have had a woman at our house last month when I stayed at my girlfriends.

He sounds insensitive at best, and that's sugarcoating it.

You don't have to continue on if you don't want to. 60 is not the end of life by any stretch of the imagination.

Thank you for replying.
I am new at online discussion groups and now realize I should have put this up as a new post. He is not as verbally or mentally abusive these past few years like he used to be, it is just that it is hard to live with what I know now. Feeling second best is one thing but 25th best is another.