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How do you deal with snarky comments about your kids?

 
 
DrewDad
 
Reply Fri 3 Dec, 2010 01:12 pm
Two days in a row now, while dropping off Yaya at school, the person assisting with loading and unloading kids has made snarky comments.

First, she commented on Yaya having glasses that matched her outfit. (We buy her glasses from Zenni Optical, which means we can get five pairs for what one pair would cost us at the mall shop.) Then she turned to T and said that we were going to be "in trouble" because Yaya is "all girl."

And, no, it wasn't all in good fun. Very flat affect, like she was jealous or angry or irritated.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 25 • Views: 5,468 • Replies: 74

 
Setanta
 
  2  
Reply Fri 3 Dec, 2010 01:14 pm
I'd say, ignore the old sour-puss. Anyone who is attempting to belittle your children must already have noticed their excellence, and can't let it pass in silence. Of course, it could be that she's just a terminal bitch.
0 Replies
 
Setanta
 
  2  
Reply Fri 3 Dec, 2010 01:15 pm
By the way, if your children notice, it might be a good opportunity to teach them that such remarks are beneath contempt, and should, therefore, be beneath their notice.
0 Replies
 
Phoenix32890
 
  4  
Reply Fri 3 Dec, 2010 01:20 pm
@DrewDad,
I would watch that bitch. I am wondering if she is saying those things to you, is she saying inappropriate things to the kids when you are not around?

I would gently bring up the subject with your kids. Without alarming them, try to determine if anything inappropriate is going on.

I don't know how old your children are, but repeated, unkind words by an adult can have a lasting emotional effect on little kids.
0 Replies
 
sozobe
 
  2  
Reply Fri 3 Dec, 2010 01:21 pm
@DrewDad,
Ooof.

She probably thought she was being cute.

I do think Set makes a good point about the example thing... let it go, maybe with a sharp look, swallow the annoyance, and then vent here!

If it's truly insulting (I see why you took umbrage but it was kind of subtle), then I'd go ahead and defend my kid I think. Calmly of course.
Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Fri 3 Dec, 2010 01:33 pm
@sozobe,
Quote:
If it's truly insulting (I see why you took umbrage but it was kind of subtle), then I'd go ahead and defend my kid I think. Calmly of course.


Sorry Soz, but I disagree. I think that it is important to teach your children that it is not necessary to defend a cruel remark. I might look at the woman and say, "Excuse me, but did I hear you correctly?", or something like that. She is trying to back Drew Dad into a wall, and IMO he needs to throw the ball back in her lap.

sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Fri 3 Dec, 2010 01:36 pm
@Phoenix32890,
Well, that's what I'd call defending. Not just letting it pass.

Really depends on the situation.
0 Replies
 
DrewDad
 
  1  
Reply Fri 3 Dec, 2010 01:39 pm
@DrewDad,
Forgot to add the second snarky comment....

There was a food wrapper on the floor of the van when Yaya got out another day. The same person said, "Lunch. Yum." Very flat, again.

T confronted her about that one. She said something to the effect of, "well, we have three small kids, and sometimes things fall on the floor."

The person replied, "I have three small kids, too."

Whatever the hell that means. Things never spill in her car? WTF?
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Fri 3 Dec, 2010 01:45 pm
@DrewDad,
I think T handled that appropriately.

I really, really hate that kind of passive-aggressive snark. But it really seems designed to get an outsized reaction ("what, I made an innocent comment and then they went ballistic for no reason at all").

What her comment meant btw was "I am superior to you." In a passive-aggressive way. How she gets her jollies I guess.

You can get momentary satisfaction from jabbing back but really in those situations I've found it best to just limit contact if at all possible. (Is it possible?)

Btw both of those jabs seem to be more at you than at Yaya (well except for "all girl," which is a weird jab). She seems to enjoy thinking that she's better than you as a parent because her car is cleaner and because she's more frugal, or something (though I agree re: Zenni glasses).

I'd be more prone to defense if it's a jab at my kid rather than at my parenting (though I don't enjoy the latter one bit either).
engineer
 
  6  
Reply Fri 3 Dec, 2010 02:27 pm
@sozobe,
My thought is that this is someone who always feels the need to say something, but really doesn't have the social skills to pull it off. If she's opening car doors for an hour a day, she might just like to keep up some kind of banter to alleviate the boredom. Of course, you are there to read all the other signs, so if you feel there is malice, there's probably something to it. I guess the question is whether the malice is personal or if she just hates her life.
Golden Rule
 
  1  
Reply Fri 3 Dec, 2010 02:52 pm
@engineer,
I was thinking the same thing....

I was also curious if this person would be the one caring for OP's child during the day? I would be nervous about passive aggressive in public = aggressive in private.... YKWIM?
DrewDad
 
  1  
Reply Fri 3 Dec, 2010 03:25 pm
@Golden Rule,
Not a direct-care person, but I think it's the school counselor.

I could be wrong; I'm not exactly sure what her job function is.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Fri 3 Dec, 2010 03:26 pm
Some people just have a flat affective.
No personality. No tact. No sense of humor.

Time to teach your child to have compassion. We don't know what's going on in her life for her to be like she it.

Pity this woman and give a kind remark back. And smile, smile, smile.

0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  3  
Reply Fri 3 Dec, 2010 04:09 pm
@DrewDad,
I don't think you or T ought to jab back

but

I also don't think I would smile about it - probably I would say something like "excuse me, did you say something?" to get her to repeat it... and then guage the reaction and follow it up after that

I would be concerned about how this person may make snarky or derogatory comments to your daughter without you around. If it were a parent of another child, what comments may the person's child make to your daughter.

If it's a school counsellor - well, bang out of order and I think I would need to address it.

I don't think smiling through it when your kids are there is reasonable - if she wears her stupid head out in public, perhaps she needs to be called on it - making remarks about a food wrapper on the car floor is just... plain nasty in my opinion, unnecessary... and... why? Why make a comment like that? Nasty!
Green Witch
 
  2  
Reply Fri 3 Dec, 2010 06:55 pm
People with this kind of attitude should not be working around children. I think you should at least say something like "could you please explain why you made that comment" or "I think that is not an appropriate comment under the circumstances". Let her know you are unhappy with her behavior around your girls. If she wants to be cranky at the public she should go get a job at Linkat's Dunkin Donuts or the Burger King where Dirtydozen22 used to work.
Finn dAbuzz
 
  1  
Reply Fri 3 Dec, 2010 10:58 pm
@Phoenix32890,
Phoenix32890 wrote:

Quote:
If it's truly insulting (I see why you took umbrage but it was kind of subtle), then I'd go ahead and defend my kid I think. Calmly of course.


Sorry Soz, but I disagree. I think that it is important to teach your children that it is not necessary to defend a cruel remark. I might look at the woman and say, "Excuse me, but did I hear you correctly?", or something like that. She is trying to back Drew Dad into a wall, and IMO he needs to throw the ball back in her lap.





I agree.

She can be confronted without aggression.

Doing so probably won't register as a direct lesson with the kids, but not everything we teach our children does.

You never know, maybe she does think she is being benignly amusing.

At the very least, it will likely shut her up in the future.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  3  
Reply Sat 4 Dec, 2010 07:19 am
DrewDad-
This is a real teachable moment for you and your kids.

They are going to run into this kind of person throughout their entire life. You won't be around. Give them the skills to handle it.

I'd suggest that you ignore the snide remarks, get in the car and say, "Boy, I wonder what's going on with Ms. X? I heard some really rude things from her this week. She probably doesn't even think about how other people feel when she says them. I wonder what's going on with her? She must not be very happy person, or tired."

Wait for your kids to respond. Do they feel the same way?

They may be hearing things differently than you are. It may be no big deal for them. But at least they will hear you not responding to rudeness.


0 Replies
 
Ionus
 
  4  
Reply Sat 4 Dec, 2010 09:01 am
@DrewDad,
Quote:
How do you deal with snarky comments about your kids?
I unhook them from the chain and say "Boys ! Kill! "
0 Replies
 
aidan
 
  2  
Reply Sat 4 Dec, 2010 12:12 pm
@DrewDad,
Quote:
First, she commented on Yaya having glasses that matched her outfit. (We buy her glasses from Zenni Optical, which means we can get five pairs for what one pair would cost us at the mall shop.) Then she turned to T and said that we were going to be "in trouble" because Yaya is "all girl."


So what did she say about your daughter's glasses? Did she say, 'Oh that's cute - her glasses match her outfit?' Because I don't find that particularly snarky - and I have to say, having a daughter who is 'all girl' that I don't particularly find that a snarky comment or insult either.

But no matter how much the glasses cost, do you really want to teach your kid that it's important for her to have something as functional as glasses match her outfit?

That's just my own question because I happen to have a sister who loves clothes and she loved shopping for and dressing her daughter who was three years older than mine, so when we'd get the hand-me-downs of every item including shoes in every available color - it was lovely for me and my daughter as we didn't have to buy a thing.

But that little girl (the daughter of the shop-a-holic), has grown up to be a shop-a-holic herself. She has to have every item in every color - just like her mom taught her.
And with something like glasses - I understand it even less. I mean glasses last for years and years and years (the lenses) so why teach your kid that she has to have five different colored frames (no matter how cheap they are) that she'll soon outgrow? Just to be fashionable? In preschool?

I know when I got my glasses, my parents made sure I chose carefully knowing that I was going to have to wear them for years until my head grew or my prescription changed.
I think that's a good lesson to learn actually - much moreso than feeling that my glasses have to match my outfit - WHAT?
That's a new one on me.

I wouldn't make a snarky comment in front of your daughter - but I'd be quietly shaking my head and wondering - wait - a four year old has to have glasses to match her outfits?
Where are we heading with that?
Finn dAbuzz
 
  5  
Reply Sat 4 Dec, 2010 12:28 pm
@aidan,
Well, that was pretty snarky.
 

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