Getting married next year, Still have feelings for an old flame

I suspect I do not have to tell you that you are, as they say, playing with fire.

And it's not too much of a limb for me to go out on to deduce that you have not told your partner anything -- or at least not everything.

I have old flames on Facebook (a few are still single, or single again), and even one where the breakup was not a thing either of us had wanted but the difference is -- I ain't having these feelings. I am telling you this not to toot my own horn but rather to point out: these kinds of circumstances can happen and, in fact, they may not be rare at all. And certainly getting cold feet before getting married (particularly to someone you have been with so long that the thrill may be gone or wearing off) is not atypical.

It does not mean you have to act on anything. It does not mean you have to obsess about anything.

If you are tired of your partner and do not wish to wed, that is one thing, and that should be wholly independent of the deal (whether there really is one or not) with the old flame. E. g. if Suzy is the old flame and Mary is your current squeeze, any issues you have with Mary have to be Suzy-independent. Did your issues with Mary predate those your getting reaquainted with Suzy? Or did they surface because of Suzy?

You have children and they are minors, so Mary will never be truly out of your life, whether or not you and Suzy ride off into the sunset together. You need to work out custody and payments and whatnot. You cannot just shed Mary and expect to have everything be hunky dory with your kids. You don't say whether Suzy is married, has any children, etc. Perhaps those complications exist for her as well. So then it's is Suzy's husband, and her children, who are in this mix as well.

That's a lotta people to be involved in this.

Anyway, I'm rambling.

Bottom line:

• this is trouble.
  
• cold feet are normal and people can have all sorts of weird thoughts before a long-anticipated wedding. This does not necessarily mean that the wedding should be called off.
  
• clean your own house first (e. g. end things with Mary, if that's what you truly desire) before making a new one (e. g. taking up with Suzy).
  
• recognize that your children, and Mary, will be involved no matter what. Not only do their feelings matter here, but so do their economic needs. Your kids need to be fed, housed and schooled no matter what. Mary needs to have a home no matter what and will undoubtedly have at least shared responsibility for the children. It will suck a lot more if she is constantly angry with you about how things ended versus a more amicable split -- and your children will bear the brunt of those ill feelings.
  
• recognize that this is not the first time that Facebook has stirred up this kinda stuff, and it won't be the last.
  
• Suzy has changed, and so have you. You have not remained in a time capsule, fresh and young, and neither has she. Your memories of a decade ago (and hers) are probably nowhere near being accurate, even if the two of you confirm them.
  
• Finally, think about what it will be like to start from scratch and be lonely, in case the whole Suzy thing never takes off. For that is a very real possibility as well. How will you live? How will your children?

Me, I wouldn't risk it. Have I been in touch with flames? Absolutely, there are very few who I truly would not be friends with now. But risk my marriage for 'em? Yeesh, no. Things end for a reason.

Things are getting stale?
Take a look at that and try to see it with a clear vision. What's going on with YOU to make you think things are "stale"?

Jespah makes good points, too.
In any case, you don't have to act NOW just because there's some conflict in your mind. By "acting" I mean jumping into a relationship.

@ Jespah

What a good reply, thank you.

You are right, I know I am playing with fire, this is why I have done nothing. Nor have I spoken with anyone.

I know an awful lot about the old flame, we speak daily. She is married but is in a similar position with regard to the current relationship situation, probably because they too have been together 10 years.

Its hugely selfish, I know that, but we are all human and we all have urges and feelings we cannot control. I guess its how we act upon these that define us. My children are my primary concern, without them I make my choice and I take my chance, either way. I know this will not be a clean break (if indeed I make any decision), and I know I risk an awful lot. If I were without kids, would I do it? Yes, I think I would.

Truth be told I don't know what to do, but your comment "you do not have to act on anything" rings very true.

Thanks again

@Punkey,

Again, thank you. If I am honest both replies on my post are things I already know. There underlying problems with my fiancee, We both know this, yet neither of us have tried overly hard to fix them. Its almost a getting married as its expected of us (at least in my mind). That looks very harsh in font on a screen.

Maybe its clarification I need, I don't know. In any event, thank you for taking the time to respond.

Hi Bob, thanks for responding (sometimes people just come here, spill their guts and jet). Welcome to A2K.

Of course the daily talking is not helping things. It's just poking at that fire, and adding gasoline.

You say that the problems seem to be on both sides in your current relationship, and no one's taking the initiative. Would you, if there were no Suzy (sorry for the fake names, but it does keep it straight in my head, thanks for indulging me)? E. g. would you go to counseling, or on vacation or hell even try new positions in order to spice things up (no need to get graphic, just a suggestion here)?

People do lots of things in order to keep a relationship working and going. Sometimes those things work. Sometimes, not so much. Would you be okay without trying everything you could? Would your kids be okay with that (er, they don't have to hear about positions, either )?

I'll put it this way. If you were my father, and I thought you were not doing everything in your power to stay with Mom, I think I would be waaay more devastated about a divorce than if at least you'd tried. Know what I'm sayin'? Tried and failed? Hey, **** happens. But not trying? That would hurt so much more but hell, maybe that's just me.

Thanks for the Welcome! I don;t quite understand the spill the guts & jet mentality, no-one can understand the facts based on one posting, no matter how well written!

I know the daily talking isn't wise. I guess I can liken it to an addiction, I know I shouldn't do it, I know its not helping matters, But I can't stop myself. Maybe I should have added an issue with self-control on the original post!

I think you are absolutely right. If there were no Suzy, I don't think we would take the initiative, no. I think we would be letting things fester as we always have until they come out in a blazing argument which is no good for anyone. We both (Mary, wasn't it?!) know we do this, and we both find it tough to talk about this, probably says something about our relationship. Counseling is a no-no, the others are a posibility.

You are though absolutely on the money about the trying. I think thats what I needed to hear.

Go fer it (er, no specifics on the positions).

Gawd I am in a mood this morning.

Taking my husband to lunch today, so I really do have to jet for a few hours.

Best of luck to you.

Hi Bob, welcome to AK.

Jes has provided lots of great feedback/advice.

The only <little> suggestion I'd add is to try and spend a bit of time each day remembering what originally attracted you to your current partner. I know that a few minutes of that kind of thinking can bring a smile to my face - because that is still there.

It seems your history is repeating yourself. Ten years ago you allowed a friend to break up a relationship and now you are doing the same again, ten years later.

I don't think this has anything to do with your current partner or your old flame. Doing some work on yourself might help clarify things for you.

How many years and children will it take for a renewed relationship with your old flame to become "stale?"

Bob - YOU are not ready to get married.

There will always be "old" flames reappearing - and 'new ' flames that you just haven't met yet coming along.

I suggest a little honesty to the mother of your children and ask for some time so you can resolve this period of indecision.

Your financee may or may not wait for you. You could possibly end up with another "old flame"

Love that word! Is it a person that you marry for money?

It’s not easy to let go of strong feelings for someone, especially if you found out that the break-up wasn’t necessary. It comes down to how much you love the people that count on you.